When I was just turned 12, I camped out in the back garden one night with a friend. A boy of 17 - nearly 18 - (lets call him A) who lived nearby came to the tent with alcohol and stayed for hours. He got into my sleeping bag with me. I was thrilled that he was paying me so much attention - I'd known him all my life and he had always seemed very aloof and grown-up in my eyes. He'd never paid me any attention before. I let him kiss me. I let him touch my (tiny) breasts. At some point he took my hand and put it on his erect penis. I can't remember if he asked my permission for this - I do remember feeling very shocked.
A few months later, I suddenly decided to tell a tale to my parents that I had been raped by a stranger the night I had camped out. I knew it wasn't true but I didn't know why I was saying it. I just felt desperate for someone to notice me. I think I wanted to feel their love and protection again.
Whether I was reacting to what A did or not, i'm not sure, because by this time he was regularly visiting me late at night on his way home from the pub. He would throw a little bit of gravel at my bedroom window to wake me and I would sneak out to meet him in an outbuilding at the bottom of the garden. He would do the same sort of things as in the tent. He swore me to secrecy. I thought I was in love with him. I told no-one.
(My parents took me to the doctor, who examined me, found I was a virgin and told them I'd made the rape story up. Nothing was said about it again.)
This went on for 3 years. I lost my virginity to him when I was 14. I never actually got a sexual thrill from any of it. But I did think I was in love with him so I did consent to all of it. He ended it when I started talking about getting dressed up and going to the pub with him now I looked older. I remember well how much that suggestion freaked him out. I was devastated.
We did have a 'proper' relationship a couple of years later, when I was 16 and he was 21. No secrecy this time. I ended it after a few months because A turned out to be a bit of a useless boyfriend and I wanted to go out with another boy.
It's bothering me lately (not the first time - it rears its head from time to time) and I need some outside perspective because I haven't really talked to anyone in RL about it. Was this abuse? Did it start that way and turn into something else? Or was it just inappropriate and ill advised? Or completely normal?