Was I abused?

[bushymcbush]

When I was just turned 12, I camped out in the back garden one night with a friend. A boy of 17 - nearly 18 - (lets call him A) who lived nearby came to the tent with alcohol and stayed for hours. He got into my sleeping bag with me. I was thrilled that he was paying me so much attention - I'd known him all my life and he had always seemed very aloof and grown-up in my eyes. He'd never paid me any attention before. I let him kiss me. I let him touch my (tiny) breasts. At some point he took my hand and put it on his erect penis. I can't remember if he asked my permission for this - I do remember feeling very shocked.

A few months later, I suddenly decided to tell a tale to my parents that I had been raped by a stranger the night I had camped out. I knew it wasn't true but I didn't know why I was saying it. I just felt desperate for someone to notice me. I think I wanted to feel their love and protection again.

Whether I was reacting to what A did or not, i'm not sure, because by this time he was regularly visiting me late at night on his way home from the pub. He would throw a little bit of gravel at my bedroom window to wake me and I would sneak out to meet him in an outbuilding at the bottom of the garden. He would do the same sort of things as in the tent. He swore me to secrecy. I thought I was in love with him. I told no-one.

(My parents took me to the doctor, who examined me, found I was a virgin and told them I'd made the rape story up. Nothing was said about it again.)

This went on for 3 years. I lost my virginity to him when I was 14. I never actually got a sexual thrill from any of it. But I did think I was in love with him so I did consent to all of it. He ended it when I started talking about getting dressed up and going to the pub with him now I looked older. I remember well how much that suggestion freaked him out. I was devastated.

We did have a 'proper' relationship a couple of years later, when I was 16 and he was 21. No secrecy this time. I ended it after a few months because A turned out to be a bit of a useless boyfriend and I wanted to go out with another boy.

It's bothering me lately (not the first time - it rears its head from time to time) and I need some outside perspective because I haven't really talked to anyone in RL about it. Was this abuse? Did it start that way and turn into something else? Or was it just inappropriate and ill advised? Or completely normal?

Totally agree with oikopolis and Nyac. Although you say you didn't feel in danger you also didn't have the confidence to stop it. Classic grooming. Make you vulnerable (alcohol and isolating) flattery, gradual and every so often.

12 yr old girls do not go around saying they are raped for no reason and I am quite shocked your parents left it there. Also shocked that the doctor who examined you and declared you a virgin. What is this the middle ages? Examining a girl who may gave been abused?? Declaring her a virgin - how the fuck did he know that then?? I think you have been let down on a lot of fronts tbh .

"I haven't got the balls to say it to him"

Have you considered assertiveness training? TBH, even if you had a "standard" relationship with your dad, would it be right for him to say that? That would (to me) be terrible FIL interference, just as your DH's mum telling you what you should be doing to make him happy would probably make you feel quite defensive.

21 you're right again - it isn't my dad's place to tell dh how to live his life. But this is a side issue. I'm trying to get my head around what happened with A.

So if I do accept it was abuse - does that mean that he raped me when I was 14 and he was 19 (almost 20)? I had no sexual response but I let him do it. I know he wouldn't have done it if I'd said no. Was that rape?

According to the law it would probably be classed as "unlawful sexual intercourse" because he was an adult and you were under 16. I would consider what happened to you to be rape, because you were going along with someone much older than you who was taking advantage of your naivite. A normal, kind man would have recognised that you were too young and that you weren't really participating. This man must have seen that you were getting little or nothing from being with him and yet he continued, purely for his own benefit. That to me would constitute rape.

What do you think?

bushy there's a reason statutory rape exists in criminal law codes.

rape happens when the victim doesn't consent. and in law, a child of 14 can't consent to sexual activity because they are in a weak psychological and social position in comparison to the aggressor. the law acknowledges that a 14-year-old simply doesn't typically have the social skills to choose and negotiate safe sexual encounters. so it attempts to protect them by criminalizing people who prey on them.

the law also acknowledges clearly that children are highly vulnerable to grooming, for this reason. and that grooming is, in itself, violent and violating to the child. so it criminalises grooming too.

violence isn't just physical intimidation. i have been there, i understand the pain of wanting to be loved/made to feel special by the abuser, and acquiescing in hope of that outcome. that is violence. that is grooming. it's a crime and it wounds the victim just as much as the physical crime... because it creates the illusion that the victim is culpable for her own violation. believing that you are guilty destroys something inside you, it is IMO the cruelest part of the crime.

your abuser may not have acknowledged to himself that he was committing crimes against you... but you know what... paedophiles don't. they typically construct an elaborate fantasy that justifies their actions as OK because their victims "are sexual beings from birth", they are "just letting them be sexual in a safe way", "there was no violence", etc. etc. ad nauseaum.

but that doesn't make the crime OK, or not a crime. it's still rape, it's still morally reprehensible and destructive. no psychologist is going to agree with a paedophile's justifications... because they intimately acquainted with the kind of damage this kind of rape causes.

you were groomed and raped in your childhood, during a time when your identity was forming and you were learning how to be safe in the world. he changed the course of your life through his crimes, he deformed your identity in a way that still affects you. he is a criminal and you were the victim of his crimes.

your parents let you down.

i am very sorry that all this happened to you.
and i really know how you feel, i know that's cold comfort but i feel compelled to tell you you're not alone.

I would go so far as to say every time you yearn for your dad to step in/stand up for you, it's your 12 year old self willing her Dad to stop the abuse.

Your parents did let you down. They may well be nice - lovely even. But they are weak - they were weak then and they are still weak because they care what their neighbours think more than your feelings.

I don't personally think this is a side issue, I think your parents' inadequate response is all part of the hurt, confusion and damage you've sustained.

Maybe they didn't have the emotional intelligence or courage to actually explore why their daughter 'falsely' cried rape. It makes me feel very emotional to think of you, a child, saying you were raped because that was the only way you could cry out for help at that time. You couldn't possibly process the feelings your abuser inflicted on you at that age. You knew you hadn't been raped (at that point) but you knew it felt very wrong. You wanted help to stop it.

As for man A, he groomed you. He knew you were twelve, a pre teen^. Any and every right thinking 17 year old knows that's wrong. You were barely out of primary school, he was practically an adult.

And in the eyes of the law, and in my eyes, yes he raped you when you were 14.

I had something similar happen to me though i never touched him. He was 3 years older than me and it started when i was 11. It went on for a few years and i thought it was because he loved me. Everyone knew i was besotted with him but didnt know what was going on. Then he started going out with my babysitter. It didn't stop and eventually i told her in a roundabout way (got someone else to) and gave her the cards and letters he'd given.me. Didn't make a difference. It stopped for a while but then he started trying to do it again. I believe they're married with daughters now. Everyone thinks he's a lovely bloke and never took seriously what happened between us but i know he's tried it on with other friends since.

I didn't even fancy him - looking back i was flattered and vunerable - he made me feel wanted when my parents didn't.

For a long time i used to come into regular contact with hime until i distanced myself from our mutual friends.

I agree with ProudnScary. I think you want your dad to stop the way you feel in your marriage now. He had his chance to stop what you were going through at the time and he didn't do it. You need your dad still and you need him to act on your behalf.

I know you said it would be a different thread, but how do your feelings about what happened then equate to your feelings about your husband? Do you feel you have to live a life you don't want to live? Do you feel coerced in any way at all? Do you feel the whole marriage is about him, rather than both of you?

Ok. I think I'm getting it now. Feeling very very . like I've lost something I can never get back. Can't quite shake the feeling that if id had the gumption I could have stopped it myself.

If I had a twelve year old daughter who told you this, in confidence, bushy, then would you tell her she could stop it herself, or would you think that she was an incredibly vulnerable girl who needed a really strong adult to take care of her and make everything alright?

I think the vast majority of abuse survivors feel that way bushy. It's hard to accept that you really had little or no control over what happened, it's easier in a way to feel like you did have control but you failed to use it. The fact is, he was an adult who targeted a young naive girl. You did try to stop it by telling your parents that you were raped but they didn't pick up what you were trying to say and in not listening to you they inadvertently sent you the message that they weren't concerned about you. The odds were really stacked against you. You were not to blame for what happened.

Not ready to answer the questions about my marriage yet. Too much to process right now.

What else should my parents have done when they knew I hadn't been raped as I claimed?

By the way, the doctor examined me and I guess he found my hymen intact.

They should have asked you why you claimed to have been raped. I would be utterly shocked if a daughter of mine said such a thing to me, and I would automatically think something wasn't right. I wouldn't just bring her to the doctor and then drop it. Plus they should have noticed that something was going on when you were seeing A for three years.

I used to sneak out of the house without my parents' knowledge. They didn't know I was seeing him. Nobody knew.

For a 12 year old to be able to sneak out of the house without her parents' consent the parents have to be quite disengaged IMO. I know that might sound harsh, but that's the way it seems to me. They might not have known, fair enough, but the fact you said you were raped should have alerted them that something was going on. Did they ever try to talk to you about it?

And if they had asked me why I had claimed to have been raped, I don't know how I would've answered them. I did not know why I'd said it - I know now, but I honestly hadn't made the connection then.

I know now that I did want them to protect me and stop this from happening. But I didn't get it then.

I remember feeling excited as I sneaked out of the house but I also remember an unacknowledged fear and dislike. Part of me hated the dark and the cold and the humiliation and how young and insignificant he often made me feel. Part of me longed to stay in the light and warmth and safety of my home even as I was voluntarily sneaking out.

No they never talked to me about it.

The way it seems to me is that your parents really failed you. Is that fair to say?

I don't know. I hadn't thought so before today.

When I was 12 I thought I was quite grown up. I had an unhappy home life. I and friends grew up fast. I had engaged in some sexual activity, drank alcohol and smoked fags at 12. But although I was doing these things, I was not remotely able to process or deal with grown up issues. Even though I wasn't abused, I put myself in vulnerable, dangerous situations and 'got off' with boys I didn't even like, to feel wanted. Actually I was full of self loathing and thought of myself as a 'slag' .

Was that 'my fault'? No I didn't have enough guidance, positive attention, love, security and boundaries from my parents.

What I'm try to say is I understand your confused feelings that maybe you were responsible, you could have stopped it. Well you couldn't because you really did not understand what was going on. How on earth could you have? You weren't protected.

What are you thinking bushy? How are you doing?

I'm doing ok. I am seeing things more clearly than I was. I'm not sure whether I should do something like talk to someone in RL. I don't really want to tbh. I just need to get things straight in my head for now. I really appreciate being able to talk about it on here. Much easier behind the anonymity of the Internet.

I think two things have hit me hard since starting this thread. Firstly, that I was raped. That has honestly never occurred to me before. Secondly, that my parents didn't do the right thing by me. Someone upthread said they sounded 'detached'. That rings true. And it's hard to swallow because I do rather hero worship them and they have done a lot for me - practically and financially at least. But detached emotionally.

It's a lot to deal with. In time, if you feel up to it, counselling might help a lot. Do feel free to join the thread I mentioned if you think it might help.

I had to come to terms with the reality that my parents should have protected me but didn't. To be honest, for me, that was worse in a lot of ways than the abuse I suffered. I can at least tell myself that my abuser was an evil man and that I can forget about him. But I was always convinced that my parents did their best for me. It was horrible thing to have to face the fact that they completely failed me, totally and utterly. But, for me, facing that was the turning point in my really starting to take control of my life. When I was severely depressed my psychiatric nurse made me see that I had twisted myself in knots my entire life trying to get my parents to show me love, and to start taking care of me. In a way a lot of the way I acted when I was depressed was about pushing them to see what it would take to make them react. They never reacted. I had to let go of them, and the idea that I had that they were good parents and just accept that they brought me up but they didn't care for me. To be honest, I still haven't fully come to terms with that, but I am getting there.

Please do talk more here if you feel it will help.