Was anyone else bullied at school?

[theamazonstar]

Sorry for such a miserable topic on a Friday night but I have to get this off my chest.

I had a miserable time at high school. I was horribly bullied and ended up with bulimia and severe depression. I contemplated suicide too. As soon as I could I left for uni and I was much happier there but still very slow to trust people. I've recently moved back to my home town for family and work reasons, and I've run into a few of my classmates. I can't talk to them, even of they didn't bully me. I start shivering and gibbering and I bloody hate it- I'm not the person I was back then but seeing someone brings it all back. Is this normal?

Help :(

[KisMittzAteALLThePies]

LeQueen whilst bullying has had a profound effect on me, you are describing how I am becoming.

People will get close, because I let them. I have a 'ripples' image in my head, and I am now in a position to choose who gets to the centre of the ripples.

[roguepixie]

strawberry, truly I think that my gastric problems have been directly caused by my internalising what I went through at school. If I can't avoid confrontation I notice that my stomach goes into spasms and I have some unpleasant side effects. Stress has an immediate effect on me as well - if I suspect confrontation is on its way my blood pressure leaps and I can feel my stomach spasming ... it's horrible and adds to the fact that I feel like a complete and utter failure.

Most of the time I can keep a lid on things and am quite the actress - putting a face on and smiling through it but it comes at a price and I often feel like I am adrift and anchorless.

[underthevalley]

Father (feel like in confessional with that) 
I can tell you that I bullied the girls I could because it was something I could control. (and this is not an excuse but I spent my childhood basically being emotional abused at home) bullying those girls gave me control over something. 
I could tell you that I fell in with the 'wrong crowd' and was rebelling against my mum and step-dad. 
On one level those girls represented a part in me that I hated - they were proper Afrikaners (I'm SA) and represented everything I hated about that. They were quiet and timid (the opposite of me) and were scared of me. In a way they made it easier. 
They didn't do anything to me but made it easy in a way - they were 'different' in whatever way - academically, a hobby whatever. But they were also towing the line of what was expected at the same time. 
They didn't do anything to me. No one ever stood up to me or called me out on it. 
I can't tell you what to tell your daughter but maybe it would have been different if someone called me out on it. 
Something did stop me. In the March just after I turned 17. My best friend was killed. It was a turning point. 
Now that doesn't happen to everyone (i certainly hope it doesn't) but it served as the shock I needed to get my act together. 

Basically I suppose I'm trying to say that in the mess that was my home life bullying those girls who were just quiet or sensitive or different gave me control and power over something. And the combination of home and the fact none of those girls ever said 'so what?' and no teacher ever dragged me in gave me the view that I could carry on. 

[FatherDougalMcGuire]

It's interesting that that was the way you went with it lightvalley, because for me the EA at home mean't I was MORE vulnerable to bullying. Basically because my SD bullied me I think i felt I had to do as I was told be everyone, or that if I just worked hard at being super nice, let go of all I was, of all my rights as a person that somehow that would make my SD and the bullies nice to me, that they might like or love me. I didn't like myself because I was taught I was unlikeable, or that my attempts at being likeable were useless. now of course I realise all that is bullshit and I am actually a fun, nice person to be with.

Actually for me the bullying stopped the day I physically picked the ringleader up by her throat and screamed in her face that I would f**ing kill her if she ever touched me again. I had been so timid and tearful at every encounter up to that point that I think she actually believed me. Although I didn't become any more popular, and was a loner at school and college, at least the physical amd emotional abuse stopped from that point. I'm not proud of myself for resorting to physical violence, but something in me just turned and I wasn't prepared to take any more shit.

I'm sorry that your lost your friend, although not sorry for you that it meant you became a nicer person. It must have been earth shattering for you. X

[FatherDougalMcGuire]

Lequeen, the way you describe yourself reminds me hugely of a friend of mine. I spent quite a while trying to get closer to her at one stage and was gently but firmly rebuffed a number of times, you have helped me understand why and respect those boundaries, but also to realise it was not actually a rejection of me, so thank you for your explanation.

This thread is helping me loads actually, thank you so much Amazonstar for starting it.

[KisMittzAteALLThePies]

I think underthevalley, and I usually avoid simplistic generalisations, that the 'abused' split into two categories, those that will be repeatedly 'abused (from bullying to other types of abuse), and those that grow and learn to mimic the behaviour they have been subjected to.

As an adult, I have always recognised that and felt a sadness for 'bullies'. Because as easy as it is to state that we are all equally capable of being responsible for our actions, I think some people find it harder to recognise what they are doing as wrong, because it is the emotional language they have learned, so feels 'right'.

I would have to say of each of the people that had a part in bullying me, I hope they have had a point in life where they had an insight into their own behaviour and how it impacts on others.... I would also have to say, I have no wish on any level to have them in my life.
That is not a condemnation of your admission, and I admire you for making it, I think in many ways, you were as let down by the adults in your life, as were the children who you expressed your own unhappiness on...

[MamaMaiasaura]

strawberry I was promisicous and lots of horrible bfriends. Any nice ones I dumped or cheated on then dumped. I'd binge drink, self harm and took some illegal drugs. I hated the world. Then settled and all came back with PND and that my sister was abused by him and possibly me and other sisters too. All went bad again, but after a few years and cbt I got through it. Now 20 years on, I feel sad for the good memories but then like I shouldn't because of the CSA. My mother and eldest sister removed his gravestone. That was hard too. Now I've 3 amazing kids and lovely hubby who's known me from my dark days as a friend.

[marshmallowpies]

In terms of my experience of bullies being troubled themselves - two of the women who bullied me in the workplace had, it was pretty clear to me, eating disorders, and I later discovered, both also had fairly traumatic issues in their family backgrounds.

Don't recall anything similar with female bullies at school- they all seemed untouchable to me, the most popular, pretty girls at school who were always surrounded by friends and hangers-on, all seemed to be 'golden' people & you couldn't imagine anything bad happening to them ever, they were the sort of people who seemed naturally fortunate and without any big challenges or difficulties in their lives.

Of course that is probably not true at all, they were probably just as screwed up and damaged as I was, but that's how it looked to me from outside the 'golden circle'.

[NotGeoffVader]

I was bullied in secondary school - physically and mentally by one individual.
The worst incident was during a lesson when they walked past my desk with a big heavy book (A3 kind of size) and deliberately slammed it down on my head. Oh and during games when I was deliberately tripped up and hit with netball/hockey stick etc. Always managed to be out of teacher's eyeline when it happened. And I was too timid to stand up to this person or to report it.

This continued for a year or so.

Then, when we were leaving school (aged around 16) this person that had caused me all the misery came up to me and apologised - said they didn't know why they had done it - they had no reason to dislike me.

I spent some happy years in further education after that, and haven't had any contact with this person since. In fact now, I can't even remember their name.
Perhaps I am fortunate in having a bad memory in some respects as I tend to blank out bad stuff to an extent?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

LeQueen, I really identify with what you've just said and actually feel that I'm becoming that way myself these days.

I used to be very much a people-pleaser; kind of like a jack of all trades but master of none, that's the best way I can describe it. Tons of 'friends' but no friends, as I attracted people that treated me badly as my self esteem was very low and I just accepted any old treatment.

I've had counselling for the past 2 years and these days my inner circle is tiny too and I have really stopped caring for the most part about what people think of me and if they like me or not. I used to want to be in every in crowd, part of every group, part of every night out and these days I find I enjoy my own company more and more. I also am finding that I have no time these days for needy friends, whereas I think I used to thrive on having needy friends. As soon as someone gets needy they are relagated to the 'acquaintances' section of my life and kept at arm's length.

As I mentioned earlier in the thread, I have even gone so far now as to 'ditch' my so-called best friend because after weighing up the last 25 years and some of her recent behaviour, she isn't a friend really, just an arse that pretends to be a friend and who doesn't care about me at all. She chose one of our schoolfriends to be her bridesmaid and godmother to her child and only invited me to the evening part of her wedding, all the time claiming to be my 'best mate'. Hmmm, I don't think so.

[CapuccinoCannoliLover]

I last looked at this thread yesterday afternoon and to see so how many more posts have been added and in general since theamazonstar started this thread........well, it makes me realise just how rife bullying was and is. I didn't really elaborate on my posts how bullying had an effect after school, but just to reaffirm what others have said; I still hate walking into public places e.g. Restaurants, pubs, by myself, I sometimes suffer from panic attacks, I still pick my looks to shreds, if anyone looks at me whilst talking to me (apart from my best friend, DH and family) then my face flushes. Before I met DH, I was single for ages as I felt unattractive and worthless. If schools/teachers keep sweeping this under the carpet, nothing will change, especially when the bullies have good grades, are well-spoken and teacher's pets. 3littlefrogs, I agree, I think it would be great if these posts could be put into a book and compulsory for teachers to read. In my head, I always think I would love to be able to tell my tormentors exactly what I wanted if I ran into them, but in reality I think I would go red, feel sick and run off. Its annoying because mostly I feel angry about it all. I think people who say 'its all part of school', 'get a grip' or 'don't be a victim' were probably bullies, or egged on bullies themselves and they know it. Alot of us were happy until we went to the school where it started so go figure and two fingers up to those comments.

[TangerinePuppet]

this thread is a bit of an eye opener eh LeQueen?

[cleas]

I was bullied too. Verbally mainly but from different areas and times and for different reasons (which led me to believe I just attracted bullies). The worse bullying I had though was from people who were meant to be friends. I can't tell you how many times now (after thinking about it a lot) I wish I had moved on to other friends - it seems obvious now but it I guess I was cleverly controlled somehow. Where do kids learn this type of control??
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread. It has really helped to explain a lot of my behaviour as an adult and why I do the things I do

[FatherDougalMcGuire]

Tangerine puppet, following some from one thread to another and bringing up comments they have made there could just as easily be construed as perpetuating the same behaviour you seem to be accusing Lequeen of...

[FatherDougalMcGuire]

ESP as I imagine you'd be gratified with us all saying 'oh yeah Lequeen, you caaaaa'

[TangerinePuppet]

Just sayin like

[FatherDougalMcGuire]

You're not though, you are trying to use this thread to make a point that you failed to make on another. And this is a valid and valued thread. if you have a problem with Lequeen perhaps you could approach her about it in a PM?

[scottishmummy]

inappropriate to drag a gripe or grudge across threads
esp a bully thread
as indeed the act of dragging something up, traipsing it across another thread..well do i need to spell it out?

[TangerinePuppet]

Fair enough. I apologise.

FWIW I was VERY badly bullied at school for years and years. From junior school right through to age 14 when I was moved due to the severity of the problem. It followed me home, I self harmed and overdosed many times.

I survived it, but am left with a legacy of not being able to trust easily and feeling unworthy of love.

OK, so the thread link was in bad form. I wasn't on it, but lurked and as someone who's been terribly badly bullied I was very hurt by many of the comments therein. Just confused I guess - are certain posters emapthetic of bullying or not? There are some abhorrent threads on this site you got admit.

[scottishmummy]

i am sorry it had such a catastrophic impact
this thread is uncomfortable reading

[FatherDougalMcGuire]

Tangerine, I'm sorry you were bullied, it can make you very sensitive to situations where you think it might happen elsewhere. I personally don't see it happening on MN. There is the occasional cattiness that exists everywhere in life tbh, but not targeted, measured, calculated bullying of one person by lots of others accross several threads.

Have you thought about counselling to help with your feelings of unworthiness? I've had counselling for something completely seperate to the bullying i suffered and it helped me deal with a lot of angst in several areas. I can highly recommend it if you can find a councillor you get on with. I hope you find some peace of mind.

[quirrelquarrel]

If you try to ignore them, they never give up. If you stick up for yourself they don't give up. If someone sticks up for you they don't give up. Why does the victim always have to do something- not the bully- he should be bloody hauled into the headteacher's office and ask over and over, why they'd do this kind of thing, have their head examined, what's wrong with them...it's like these people have never been shocked or impressed by anything in their life. They're so blase.

[Hullygully]

yy quirrel

[TheLightPassenger]

absolutely quirrel. if you ignore them, you just get pushed to the point where you do eventually snap.

[Sarcalogos]

Absolutely, and the reason that advice is endlessly offered is because it's free.

The problem with bullies is that they are not happy, stable, well adjusted people. They need treatment for their behaviour, or in a few cases locking up because they are genuinely a danger to those around them. This is unpalatable when dealing with children, it requires specialist intervention and it is not cheap. Therefore it is easier and cheaper to teach the bullied strategies for how to deal with it.

The majority of bullies would benefit from hard, constant and consitant discipline and monitoring. This is difficult, time consuming and not cheap.