Should I forgive him?

[abc123d]

Ok, here is the story. Two weeks ago on Saturday I was waiting with my children for DH to wake up and go with us to the supermarket to buy food. I woke up early and was already feeling quite sleepy. I wanted to go to the shop during the day and not in the evening because of my studies which I had to do in the evenings. My DH knows that I cannot study during the night. He goes to bed very late but then he can sleep for 12 hours and with me it is just 6-7 hours and I have to wake up. He works and often has to go to bed around 1am but then he does not start his work at 9am. He always has long weekends even when the kids were babies. He would never say to me: you stay in bed and I go and take care of the kids. So when he had his breakfast at around 2pm I asked pmhim when we could go to the shop. He said that we would go later after 5pm. I told him that we needed to go to the shop earlier because of my studies. Anyway, he was watching TV, then went to check news on the Internet. Then to the loo and then he took a shower. I was not in a best mood because of predmenstrual tensions. Nevertheless I was not shouting at him, no nagging. At last after 4pm we decided to drive to the shops. In the car he switched one of the songs he liked a bit too loud. I turned it a bit down. He turned it back and burked at me. I told him that I was tired that evertime it had to be his way. It is true, everytime it has to be his way. He was very angry with me. So he told me that he was going to one shop on his own and that I had to go to the supermarket with children to do the shopping. We went to the supermarket and did the shopping. As we were going to pay for the food my DH came over and started to add some food simply throwing it to the rest of the food. The shop assistant noticed it. I told me DH to behave properly (the shop assistant did not hear it). Then he was gone. I was waiting for him to come and help us. As I was going to pay for the food I had noticed that he was sitting on a bench in 10 meters from us. I felt disgusted. He led us to the car and was sitting there while I was unloading the food. At home I also unloaded the food. I told him that his behaviour was unreasonable, mean and disgusting. We talk now but I do not feel like having sex with him or even having a cuddle. A few nights ago he wanted me to cuddle him (to come closer to him) and I said "no". He asked why and I just said: "what do you mean, why". I feel really hurt by his actions as this shows his respect to me. He did not say "sorry". I do not know what to do. The other day when he tried to give me kind of hug I did not respond to it. He asked why I was still holding it against him. ANother thing that he told me that nothing wrong had happened when we were shopping alone because many mums do it. But this not about shopping alone it is about his actions and that he was sitting and waiting for me. I should have just left his part of the food and did not pay for it. He would have done it, I know. Sorry for such a long story.

Oh cow u r do funny u have cheered up an otherwise crap day.

Captain I can multitask!! I have advised op.

u r v welcome

I have also advised op!!

Havnt read last few pages but I disagree with practically everyone on this thread?!
You both have behaved ridiculously!

• you need to have a talk with him about the sleep in thing. It is not fair on you and he needs to know how you feel!

• why do you not go during the week when he is at work? Would save alot of drama! I don't see why you have to wait for him.

• why could you not tell him you had a headach when turning the music down instead of having a pathetic fight over it?

*by telling him to behave you treated him as a child! How embrresing, the fact thy the lady didn't hear is irrelevant.

*he went and t on a seat? What was he ment to do? Stand there and watch you pay?

*him not helping you pack the food was just rude and you should of asked him to help. (altho he shouldn't need asking!)

• him not helping unpack? Again rude and you jar a right to be peeved!

• what do you think ignoring his hugs etc is going to prove? He is trying to move on and show you he loves you. And your sulking over something that wa partly your fault?!

In one of your posts I see you want to take revenge?! WTF

Your staying with him only for a visa?!

Do you resent him because you stayed home with the kids?

You both need to grow up and stop acting like children! It is not fair on the actually kids!!

If you are not happy do something about it but do nt keep leading the miserable petty lifestyle

Actually if u read the thread end to end u havnt said anything new.

And many of us called them childish and were concerned about the kids.

Read the comments.

I feel really sorry for you - it's horrible to live with a man who goes out to work and does nothing else, especially one who is disrespectful towards you.

You don't say where you are from, but there are organisations which exist specifically to help/advise immigrants. You might find some useful help there. No woman should have to live with a horrible partner because she is scared to leave him, for fear of being thrown out of the country. If nothing else, they will be able to tell you how to get residency in your own right.

Bide your time - get as much information and help as possible, from the experts in visa applications. I also think you should talk to women's aid.

I'm in two minds over this OP. On the one hand he seems a controlling piece of nastiness; on the other there is a huge amount you could be doing.

1. Sort out legal side of your visa situation. The Home Office is actually quite helpful. Find out if you are permitted to stay in the UK with your dc as they are now at school - I have a feeling that you are.

1. When our dc were tiny and my dh worked and I didn't, I did the shopping, the cooking, the childcare, the school stuff, the packed lunches because that way my job and it meant the weekends were more free for fun stuff. Although he behaved badly at the supermarket, I don't quite understand why he had to go. Why didn't you go earlier on and leave him with the dc - oh car I suppose.

1. Get a part time job - even if it's only taking in ironing or cleaning when your dc are at school - then at least you have some financial independence.

1. Once you have sorted out your legal rights in the UK and got some independence decide whether you want to stay with him and whether you like him enough to - if not set out your stall and live differently probably separately.

1. Be very clear about where yours and the dc's passports are and if you really don't like him enough to do any of the above then go home to your family. Life here can't be better than there if you are as miserable as you sound.

Thank you for your comments.

I am from Europe but cultures and family upbringings in Europe differ.

I would be happy to sit down and talk through our issues but how can I make him to do it? He behaves as he knows all the answers. I even tried to write to him but he would not read. He thinks that a relationshop can work like that.

We usually do shopping together at weekends and he knows that I prefer to do it during the day because I want to have evening time for myself or for both us. At the end of the day it is me who will wake up early the next morning. The kids love shopping too, it makes them excited. Many shops close after 5 or 6pm. Also, the children are still little and need to go to bed early.
But most of the time DH has to make things difficult by inventing some tasks or watching formula 1 and then saying he needs to finish some work. Man lives with excuses.

He is working a lot even in the evenings (it has been like that for a few months already, not always) and when he comes home from work he would eat and then continue his work. I do understand this but this should make him more considerate to what I do. He does not tell me directly you have to do this or that but the way he tells it I can see that he epxects certain things. Although he asked me where was his packed lunched on Monday and I said sorry.
When he is working I make sure the kids do not disturb him. When I was working on my assignments he was switching the TV on and did not play with children so I could get on with my work. Well, my studies do not bring money but that is why I am studying.

As for not sleeping with him because he wanted to move on I do not think I should have. He always tries to move on after insulting me. He should understand that I am his wife and this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

In the shop he was throwing food on the conveyer do some of you really think that I should have just watched his silly childish behaviour. I doubt he was offended by me asking him not to do it. In the end he asked me what was the problem with shopping on my own as I did it before. This was a different situation. One of our children who is 3 (another is 6) started moving around the place and it was hard to keep an eye on him and also pack the shopping. DH though was sitting and waiting for me to finish the shopping instead of coming over and helping with kids. I always help him when we are shopping even if he has not behaved his best. The kids did not do anything to him but yet this was his revenge. He moved to the car on his own, not even helping with kids, sat and waited for me to unload. That was mean. At home he ate dinner which I made. Why did he not cook it for himself?
I am frustrated with myself that I am not able to make him respect me more. But then I see how he talks to his parents sometimes yet I know he loves them. I do not accept the way he talks to them. He thinks that he can behave with me the same way but I do not like it.
So I need to change myself otherwise our relationship will not work. I hope when I find a job things will change for better although the respect should not be earned this way.

I accept suggestions for books :)

marriedinwhite

What will happen if I go home to my parents? I will not be thinking of taking my children with me as this is unfair on them and my husband. I want to be with my children and I am sure my husband would not want me to take them away from him. Although he is not a type of a father who would spend lots of time with them playing he still loves them dearly. I know that he loves them a lot.

abc, if you are from Europe, then why do you need a visa to stay here? (Are you from outside of the EU?)

If you returned to your home country then the fair and right thing would be to take the dc with you - you are their mother and more to the point, you are one who does everything to look after them. Most courts would agree that custody should be with the primary carer, although regular contact with their dad would be very important too.

I don't think you need to change yourself - it is your right to be treated with kindness and respect by your partner. I think, in your position, I would stop giving my husband all his own way. Tell the lazy fucker to get up in the morning - people with young children have no business sleeping the day away. Don't cook for him, if he has been rude - make food for you and the dc and let him sort himself out. You must demand respect, if he will not give it freely to you.

If he left you, he would have to pay child support. I think you do need to look into getting your own independent right to stay here, but tbh, I think I would tell him that things must change or you will be returning home and taking the dc with you. It is not more fair for them to stay with him - they need you more than they need him, because you are their primary carer.

karmabeliever, indeed I am not from the EU. I want to be with my children here. I have spent here a number of years and I accept England as my 2nd home (like adoptive parents). We do not receive benefits but it does not matter. I like the people and the country. Many foreigners come to England because of financial benefits but in my case I came here to study and met my DH also here. I want our relationship to work for us (me and my DH) and our children. I think my DH forgets that I am his wife and not his mum and in no way I am playing to be his mum. His mum would agree with everything to what he says.

Sorry it's proving so difficult for you. Hope things get better soon

I suppose practically - the only thing you can do is talk to him. If he won't listen, then keep trying.

Or stop doing things for him - if he wants to know where his lunchbox is, tell him you were too busy making the dc lunch, tell him to make his own. Then keep doing that until he makes himself it all the time.

Tell him to do the washing up when you are doing bedtimes, or give him the option - washing up or bedtime, which would you like to do?

Stop doing everything.

Hi there,

Just to let you know, we've moved this one to Relationships.

Thanks
MNHQ

Hmmm.

Well I think yabu but u think otherwise so nothing more to say. Goodluck

Thanks everyone. I wanted to see your views as I do not talk about my DH to my parents or my siblings. The less they know the better.