Should I forgive him?

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Ok, here is the story. Two weeks ago on Saturday I was waiting with my children for DH to wake up and go with us to the supermarket to buy food. I woke up early and was already feeling quite sleepy. I wanted to go to the shop during the day and not in the evening because of my studies which I had to do in the evenings. My DH knows that I cannot study during the night. He goes to bed very late but then he can sleep for 12 hours and with me it is just 6-7 hours and I have to wake up. He works and often has to go to bed around 1am but then he does not start his work at 9am. He always has long weekends even when the kids were babies. He would never say to me: you stay in bed and I go and take care of the kids. So when he had his breakfast at around 2pm I asked pmhim when we could go to the shop. He said that we would go later after 5pm. I told him that we needed to go to the shop earlier because of my studies. Anyway, he was watching TV, then went to check news on the Internet. Then to the loo and then he took a shower. I was not in a best mood because of predmenstrual tensions. Nevertheless I was not shouting at him, no nagging. At last after 4pm we decided to drive to the shops. In the car he switched one of the songs he liked a bit too loud. I turned it a bit down. He turned it back and burked at me. I told him that I was tired that evertime it had to be his way. It is true, everytime it has to be his way. He was very angry with me. So he told me that he was going to one shop on his own and that I had to go to the supermarket with children to do the shopping. We went to the supermarket and did the shopping. As we were going to pay for the food my DH came over and started to add some food simply throwing it to the rest of the food. The shop assistant noticed it. I told me DH to behave properly (the shop assistant did not hear it). Then he was gone. I was waiting for him to come and help us. As I was going to pay for the food I had noticed that he was sitting on a bench in 10 meters from us. I felt disgusted. He led us to the car and was sitting there while I was unloading the food. At home I also unloaded the food. I told him that his behaviour was unreasonable, mean and disgusting. We talk now but I do not feel like having sex with him or even having a cuddle. A few nights ago he wanted me to cuddle him (to come closer to him) and I said "no". He asked why and I just said: "what do you mean, why". I feel really hurt by his actions as this shows his respect to me. He did not say "sorry". I do not know what to do. The other day when he tried to give me kind of hug I did not respond to it. He asked why I was still holding it against him. ANother thing that he told me that nothing wrong had happened when we were shopping alone because many mums do it. But this not about shopping alone it is about his actions and that he was sitting and waiting for me. I should have just left his part of the food and did not pay for it. He would have done it, I know. Sorry for such a long story.

I would suggest looking for a part time job. If he is at home in a morning, he can do the school run and childcare. They are his kids as much as they are yours.

Last Saturday I heard my Dh talking to his parents that we would be going shopping in two hours. That was already late and we needed some food. He knews this things but he has a habbit of going shopping when it is convenient to him. I asked my kids to dress up and we decided to go to the shop on our own (it is a different supermarket). The kids said we should tell him we were going to the playgound. So went to the supermarket and then he came after us within 30 min and we all went to our favourite supermarket.

He will not do shopping on his own. He will only do shopping on his own if one of our children is not well and thus it means I have to stay at home.

Of course, I will have to forgive him but I want him to understand that being mean to his wife is not nice.

When I am ill (e.g. flue) life goes on like before expcept that I am more tired. When he is unwell (e.g. even a sore throat) then it is drama. He has to lie in bed and may even miss a day of work and would expect me to give him this and that and this pisses me off (excuse me). He thinks that he feels worse when he is unwell than me but the thing is that if I do not cook food for children when I am unwell he will not.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time OP and there are clearly issues with your DH that you can't or won't tAckle so you maybe need to focus on what you can do to make your life better.

Can you drive? If so you can go to the supermarket after you DH gets up and just leave the kids with him. And give on line shopping another go - its a really help for many of us.

And why do you need to do the washing in the evening? Can you not be doing washing throughout the day and week - I've not picked up on how old your DCs are but I'm guessing they Are per school.

And when it comes to study time - just do it - do it earlier and leave the dishes to DH.

If you can't change how he behaves you can change how you do - just don't do some of the things you think you have to - his ironing perhaps?- to carve out more time for your studies.

Why "Of course I'll have to forgive him"?

I don't think she drip fed at all, especially taking into account that English is not her first language. I surmised everything from the first post.

He sounds like a selfish, controlling arsehole and I don't know how to advise you . Mine was like this and I threw him out but I see you can't do that because of the visa situation.

Your Dh sounds very entitled doesn't he?
He gets to lie in bed all day saturday yet you are made to do all the shopping and childcare whilst he throws food onto belt like a spoilt brat & then decides to leave u to it whilst he sits on a bench.

He sounds very childish, you need to have a proper chat with him about his responsibilities as a father and get him to help you out more.
You being unemployed doesn't come into this as he would probably behave the same way even if you were working.
My DH used to be like your DH but i have since put my foot down with him & told him i shall no longer be putting up with his child like behaviour & if he wishes to continue to get out my house.
It worked and now he helps me much more when he is not at work but if he starts slipping again he will be aware his actions will not be tolerated.

Totally agree with yourfanjo. Forget about the petty little details of you did this so I did that. All that makes it sound like just another marital bicker, fairly understandable with you both working hard and having kids around. Focus on the bigger issues of whether the marriage is actually working, how trapped / exploited you feel. Try to find a non-judgemental way into talking about this. With him. Don't let it descend into crap about who turned the music down etc. It won't help your cause.

And regarding your original question - yes, you should forgive him. Don't escalate this particular (fairly non-)situation. Deal with what really matters.

I suggest you either opt for NO substitutes when ordering online, or look at the list carefully on delivery and ask them to take back the items you are not happy with. They will then refund you the money. But overall I think an online shop would be a lot easier.

Having just read your final post, I am wondering whether Lundy Bancroft's book called Why Does he do That is worth a read for you. It may actually be extremely helpful.

He certainly sounds like he rules the roost. Is this standard in his family upbringing? You do need to find a way to communicate and not behave in such a passive aggressive manner. Or are you afraid of him and his reaction if you did?

I think you need to go back to basics. Have you just taken on more and more responsibilities as your family has grown. It sounds as though he is behaving like an unpleasant CEO rather than a DH..

Cross posted with a lot of you now. So it's not your last post OP, but one further down, that rang alarm bells and made me suggest Lundy Bancroft's book.

Goodness me, u both sound absolutely ridiculous! He turns up music loudly you sulk he sulks!! What on earth do u both think u r teaching your poor children.

All this is very petty, some people men and women are selfish, u need to stop 'telling him' when to shop etc as you sound like his mother and he is behaving like your child.

Fuck off to the supermarket by yourself. He will have to look after the kids if you arnt there !!! He's the dad ffs. Stop pandering to him.

How are the pair of u going to cope in a real crisis.

He's not really contributing anything is he?

I would be tempted to give him a wake up call - a "what do I get out of this because honestly my life would be easier if you weren't in it".

If that doesn't wake him up then its his loss really isn't it? You would actually be better off without him as at least then you would have some control...

If I order food online he would be telling me off for wasting money because a number of times delivery peole brought us products which were not very good

Ah ok.

It rings alarm bells of a huge kind to me that she said she would be "told off for wasting money" because the substituted products were not very good.

the body I suggest you read the entire thread properly.

Why "Of course I'll have to forgive him"?

I think because we need to live together.
I have tried to talk to him but he is not really opened to talks. He is not that type of a person who would listen to you or try to understand you when you are feeling not well. This year I told him that after the birth of our first son I was not feeling very well. I think I had postnatal depression which lasted for more than two years. I told him that I needed more help and that I was very tired. I tried to tell him to help me but he did not help much or did not listen. There are always excuses. I even told his mum but she did not tell him anything. I thought she would ask him to help me more but she did not because she did not want to make her son against her. He is her only child.

So, when I told him about my depression and that I had bad thoughts, he kind of laughed and said I should have read less online press. That was so selfish. This person can be really selfish and I see how he talks to his parents. They would do anything for him which is all right but when I lost lots of weight after giving birth to my first son they did nothing. Even my friend was telling my husband to show me to a GP.

I know that I have to do something before I start hating him completely. I hate his disrespect to me. One problem is that he is not a good listener. He would not sit down and talk through.

Thank you everyone for reading my post. Sorry for mess up, no paragraphs.
But some of you can probably understand me why a lack of help from the side of my DH can make me a miserable person (not always) and I do not want to be one. He tells me that I got wrinkles on my forehead because of my anger. I am not always angry. I am an optimistic person and I do not take revenges like him.

I sometimes have headackes and it makes me frawn. Also, my skin got worse after having children and after fitting a coil. He knows this but was it not mean to say this things to me about my wrinkles? Now he behaves like nothing has happened.

Thanks for the book. I shall have a look at it.

Thanks itsapublicforum,

I have but u must admit first post did sound childish In extreme.

He surely sounds like a spoilt brat but seems to have the upper hand due to the visa and maybe cultural issues. Can u or will you leave him if he doesn't improve?

It certainly sounds like you have a sexist, entitled, childish, controlling twat on your hands there OP and I don't think anything you have written is silly.

I understood everything you said in your post considering English is not your first language.

Please read the book that's been suggested, I'm sure a lot of it will make sense to you.

Are there ways that you can become a bit more independent here? As stated you can't make Mr Sexist Pig do what is right, all you can do is change your behaviour.

Time to earn a bit of money for yourself here OP, and become more assertice. How long do you have left to study? Can this be deferred for a while until you build up a bit of a stash?

"assertive" of course

It rings alarm bells of a huge kind to me that she said she would be "told off for wasting money" because the substituted products were not very good.

OP didnt specify substituted products, she said "brought us products which were not very good", and whilst I am not condoning all of his behaviour, I can see the point here. We do not do online shopping, as I prefer to actually select my own fresh foods, rather than have short dated, bruised, or crap looking stuff delivered.

He sounds pretty horrid, it would drive me mad dealing with moodiness like that all the time, and not helping you load the boot etc is just rude.

Tell the paragraph police to fuck off btw, don't apologise for your English. Bloody sick of self-appointed writing critics, how many languages do they speak/write?

I am almost done with my studies and awaiting the results. In the meantime I will be looking for a job. A part-time job would be great otherwise I will become a nervewreck.

I know that I need to do something because even the kids become lazy. They expect me to do things and often my DH would encourage them of not doing something independently. I would tell him that he is not helping me by doing that but that is like saying to a wall.

My DH is an only child. His parents are wonderful parents and they would do everything for him. He had a wonderful childhood. Nevertheless, he sometimes reminds me of my father who expected my mum to do everything and she did not have guts to leave him.

I am not afraid of expressing my opinion to my DH but taking into consideration his unreasonable revenges I need to be smart. I want to be with my children at the end of the day.

He has told me disgusting things a number of times which are very painful to hear. Then he would tell me he did not mean them. But words/actions can be very hurtful and can stay in your mind for a long time.

The only thing that I am worried about is that he will not try to change. Can you change a grown up man if he does not want to? Probably not.

When his parents are over here he becomes like a child although 40-years-old. That is not even funny. They serve him and I see their looks because I do not do it. I think the way he behaves is part of growing up.

"squeakytoy*, exactly. Although I suspect Waitrose would provide a good service but we cannot afford it. There were times when we did order from Waitrose.