Should I forgive him?

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Ok, here is the story. Two weeks ago on Saturday I was waiting with my children for DH to wake up and go with us to the supermarket to buy food. I woke up early and was already feeling quite sleepy. I wanted to go to the shop during the day and not in the evening because of my studies which I had to do in the evenings. My DH knows that I cannot study during the night. He goes to bed very late but then he can sleep for 12 hours and with me it is just 6-7 hours and I have to wake up. He works and often has to go to bed around 1am but then he does not start his work at 9am. He always has long weekends even when the kids were babies. He would never say to me: you stay in bed and I go and take care of the kids. So when he had his breakfast at around 2pm I asked pmhim when we could go to the shop. He said that we would go later after 5pm. I told him that we needed to go to the shop earlier because of my studies. Anyway, he was watching TV, then went to check news on the Internet. Then to the loo and then he took a shower. I was not in a best mood because of predmenstrual tensions. Nevertheless I was not shouting at him, no nagging. At last after 4pm we decided to drive to the shops. In the car he switched one of the songs he liked a bit too loud. I turned it a bit down. He turned it back and burked at me. I told him that I was tired that evertime it had to be his way. It is true, everytime it has to be his way. He was very angry with me. So he told me that he was going to one shop on his own and that I had to go to the supermarket with children to do the shopping. We went to the supermarket and did the shopping. As we were going to pay for the food my DH came over and started to add some food simply throwing it to the rest of the food. The shop assistant noticed it. I told me DH to behave properly (the shop assistant did not hear it). Then he was gone. I was waiting for him to come and help us. As I was going to pay for the food I had noticed that he was sitting on a bench in 10 meters from us. I felt disgusted. He led us to the car and was sitting there while I was unloading the food. At home I also unloaded the food. I told him that his behaviour was unreasonable, mean and disgusting. We talk now but I do not feel like having sex with him or even having a cuddle. A few nights ago he wanted me to cuddle him (to come closer to him) and I said "no". He asked why and I just said: "what do you mean, why". I feel really hurt by his actions as this shows his respect to me. He did not say "sorry". I do not know what to do. The other day when he tried to give me kind of hug I did not respond to it. He asked why I was still holding it against him. ANother thing that he told me that nothing wrong had happened when we were shopping alone because many mums do it. But this not about shopping alone it is about his actions and that he was sitting and waiting for me. I should have just left his part of the food and did not pay for it. He would have done it, I know. Sorry for such a long story.

You both sound quite childish to be honest.

He lays in bed all day because he can...that's because you've been accommodating his behaviour by looking after the kids while he does it.

I agree with everything Kayano said (lazy typer here!)

He sulked in the supermarket...you're sulking at home.

But in the midst of all this sulking and passive agressive shit, are your children. Most kids don't relish the thought of a trip to the supermarket anyway, but I imagine yours relish it less so if Mum and Dad are going to behave this way.

Kayano - the OP could possibly still be upset because depsite explaining the problem to him, he hasn't apologised.

She may also be quite fed up at the one sided approach to childcare that's coming across here.

Maybe he wants her to apologise too for talking to him like a child and treating him like one WRT the music?

It really does sound like 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other to me.

It could all have been avoided if she'd made sure he got up at a decent hour and left the kids with him....then went shopping on her own (if neither want to do it online)

If he refused to get up, just pop the kids in the bedroom with him and go.

Ok, here is the story. Two weeks ago on Saturday I was waiting with my children for DH to wake up and go with us to the supermarket to buy food. I woke up early and was already feeling quite sleepy. I wanted to go to the shop during the day and not in the evening because of my studies which I had to do in the evenings. My DH knows that I cannot study during the night.

He goes to bed very late but then he can sleep for 12 hours and with me it is just 6-7 hours and I have to wake up. He works and often has to go to bed around 1am but then he does not start his work at 9am. He always has long weekends even when the kids were babies. He would never say to me: you stay in bed and I go and take care of the kids.

So when he had his breakfast at around 2pm I asked him when we could go to the shop. He said that we would go later after 5pm. I told him that we needed to go to the shop earlier because of my studies. Anyway, he was watching TV, then went to check news on the Internet. Then to the loo and then he took a shower. I was not in a best mood because of predmenstrual tensions. Nevertheless I was not shouting at him, no nagging. At last after 4pm we decided to drive to the shops. In the car he switched one of the songs he liked a bit too loud. I turned it a bit down. He turned it back and barked at me.

I told him that I was tired that every time it had to be his way. It is true, every time it has to be his way. He was very angry with me. So he told me that he was going to one shop on his own and that I had to go to the supermarket with children to do the shopping.

We went to the supermarket and did the shopping. As we were going to pay for the food my DH came over and started to add some food simply throwing it to the rest of the food. The shop assistant noticed it. I told my DH to behave properly (the shop assistant did not hear it). Then he was gone. I was waiting for him to come and help us. As I was going to pay for the food I had noticed that he was sitting on a bench in 10 meters from us. I felt disgusted.

He led us to the car and was sitting there while I was unloading the food. At home I also unloaded the food. I told him that his behaviour was unreasonable, mean and disgusting. We talk now but I do not feel like having sex with him or even having a cuddle.

A few nights ago he wanted me to cuddle him (to come closer to him) and I said "no". He asked why and I just said: "what do you mean, why". I feel really hurt by his actions as this shows his respect to me. He did not say "sorry". I do not know what to do. The other day when he tried to give me kind of hug I did not respond to it. He asked why I was still holding it against him.

Another thing that he told me that nothing wrong had happened when we were shopping alone because many mums do it. But this not about shopping alone it is about his actions and that he was sitting and waiting for me. I should have just left his part of the food and did not pay for it. He would have done it, I know. Sorry for such a long story.

Maybe he wants her to apologise too for talking to him like a child and treating him like one WRT the music?

I have to say, I am not entirely sure where the OP has talked to him like a child? As far as I can see, he put loud music on and the OP turned it down, his reaction was to turn it back up and bark at the OP?

She 'told' her husband to "behave properly"...that's not how you talk to an adult imo.

And her turning the music down was passive aggressive, given that they'd already fallen out with each other.

Of course he was going to turn it back up and bark at her.

I just feel sorry for the kids to be honest...the whole thing sounds very childish indeed.

You also need to stop sulking. Please don't be as bad as him. This won't change without some effort.
Are you able to read up about co-dependency (six monkeys is absolutely right when she says: don't live through him) and assertiveness?

Once you set the ground rules and communicate in a clearer and more respectful way, but that stands no nonsense, your life would get so much better.

I am only saying this because I wish I had got this a lot sooner. This bitching and whining and silence ends really badly, - and you are still living through him, dependent on him, relying on him (to do what you wan't/need).

Here is a challenge: learn to drive. Really, learn to drive. Don't tell us why you can't learn to drive, go off and do it. So what if it/£££ means it takes 5 years. Start it now.

Do the shopping without having to take company and stop telling a grown man to "behave properly" as if you're his mother and I'm sure you'll get on a lot better.

Sorted!

*And her turning the music down was passive aggressive, given that they'd already fallen out with each other.

Of course he was going to turn it back up and bark at her.*

They hadn't fallen out before the music was turned down...it's childish to say "of course he'd react like that". Would you? I wouldn't!

She 'told' her husband to "behave properly"...that's not how you talk to an adult imo.

I don't blame her one bit as that's what he was behaving like at this point. In fact, right from the OTT reaction to turning down music.

Your post was a bit hard to read, but it sounds like you don't feel your husband helps you out enough.

Don't keep your anger inside only to display as passive aggressive actions like not cuddling. Sit him down for a serious talk in which you tell him you need a bit more help because you are feeling overwhelmed. Tell him exactly what you would like him to do to help (like get up on the weekends to help with kids). If you don't clearly state what the situation is he might not fully understand why you are upset and how his laziness is hurting you.

And as others suggested, consider grocery shopping online :)

I am gob-smacked when people actually started saying 'leave him!'.

WTF?????

He is her husband and the father of her children. Yes, he has behaved like a twat on this occasion, but Come On!! We all have days where we do not behave how we wish. So the OP follows your advise to "leave him" and leaves her DH, divides up their life together, suffers considerable financial loss as a result of the divorce, separates her children from their father, and Why? Because he behaved like a dick one Saturday morning. Unbelievable.

As an aside, I am so baffled by people who go shopping with their partners. I online shop, but before then I would relish the time alone!

men can do the shopping, my df gets up and out to the supermarket on a saturday morning 8am to avoid the busy periods and I take ds to the park - on a sunday if we're not busy he gets up with ds so I can have a lie in (ds sleeps badly so I am usually up 3 or 4 or more times a night so df cuts me some slack bless him)

op - decide what you are prepared to put up with and set boundries. It should be a partnership where you work together

also - do you love him/want the relationship to work as it doesn't sound like you do at the moment - would couples counselling help?

Sorry for not posting in paragraphs. English is not my first language so I am very sorry if it does not sound right.
Both of us are foreigners. I met my DH when both of us were sudents here in England. I worked for two years after finishing my studies then got married and we have had two children. I have not been working properly for about 6 years. That is why I am doing online studies to be able to find a job and gain some independence, as well as helping the family with finances. I am also on a dependant visa which means I cannot simply leave him. At the end of the day our children were born here. Now we are all dependant on my DH. I know why he behaves like that because he earns money. He is the main visa holder. He says that he loves me but his actions sometimes are very mean and I should just pay him in revenge and I cannot because I am afraid of his revenge.
I do understand that he is working very hard but I am also doing my part of the job which is for free. He never cooks, he is hardly doing washing up, never vacuums or doing general cleaning, does not check our older DS' homework and many other things. He goes to work and comes from work. Weekends is the time when we spend time together and even then he has to work or watch Formula 1.
One salary is just enough for us and that is why I need to work too. We do not receive financial help for children as we are not eligible for it. If I order food online he would be telling me off for wasting money because a number of times delivery peole brought us products which were not very good.
One part of me does not want to stay with him and another part wants. He can be a very nice person but he can also show his mean side. Why do some husbands have to behave this way if their wives are dependent on them? Do they not understand that we are doing our job too?
Also, he expects me to prepare him packed lunches. In the morning I wake up, prepare older kid to school, feed both children, prepare packed lunches for school and for DH. I know he is working very hard for all of us but other husbands also work hard and have more time for their children and also have more respect to what their wives do at home.

Do the shopping without having to take company and stop telling a grown man to "behave properly" as if you're his mother and I'm sure you'll get on a lot better.

Oh yes, don't worry about his behaviour at all, it's all YOUR fault.

I cant understand why, in the two hours OP sat waiting around, she didnt write a shopping list, wave him off at 5pm and get on with her studies..

This really reads like a pair of bickering teenagers, not two grown adults who are supposedly setting an example to their kids.

Squeakytoy Good post

It really sounds childish. From both sides. you are both as bad as eachother.

I cant understand why, in the two hours OP sat waiting around, she didnt write a shopping list, wave him off at 5pm and get on with her studies..

Because he's a chauvinistic arsehole who obviously thinks his wife should do all the housework and childcare, not to mention shopping, while he watches F1 or sleeps.

Kayano, he knew that I was feeling tired. I also had a headache. He turned the music on loud on a purpose. The kids also shouted to turn the music down.

He started throwing food on the conveyer and this was embarassing. It was in the shop and not at home where he can show his tantrums. That was also done on a purpose. I told him to not to do it. He was just squashing food, what I was supposed to do?

He does wants me to behave his way most of the times.
I do not sleep till 1pm-2pm during the weekends. I have no weekends and have never had since having children. i always have to get up with them and go downstairs and prepare food for them and he will not do it because he will be sleeping.

I can do a bit of studies in the evenings after 9pm. My head is not working very well after 11 pm so I have to make sure that I have thise time for studies. If we go to the supermarket after 5 or 6pm then we come come after 7mp. Who is going to cook the dinnner? I cook and make sure the kids eat; they brush teeth, othr things and we go to bed and read a book. It takes time and often I want to fall asleep too but I have to force myself and go downstairs because I need to wash all the dirty dishes and then study.

Bloody hell OP

In view of the massive drip feed, I still think shopping online is your best bet...even if they do bring a few products you don't like.

I don't think the op spounds childish at all.
Its infuriating to live with someone who does their paid job and thats all. No help with the children, lie ins when they want it,time to themselves when they want it.
Its miserable, he isn't acting as though he's part of a family, he needs to get involved with the boring stuff too, shopping, cleaning etc.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that.

have you told him you are not happy?

Why don't you just talk to each other?
I'm going to be honest, the turning up and down the music, telling him to behave, him chucking food, not sitting near each other, it sounds like an argument my 13&14 yo DCs have.

Have you told him he doesn't do enough in the house?
Have you told him its not right that you get up with DCs every single morning and he needs to take responsibility maybe just at weekends if he goes to work early?

I still think shopping online is your best bet...even if they do bring a few products you don't like.

OP has said she can't afford online shopping hasn't she?

No she said....

If I order food online he would be telling me off for wasting money because a number of times delivery peole brought us products which were not very good