So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

You should be very proud of yourself,you are doing marvelously.

And very organised indeed.

You are showing great control over this nasty situation.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It's great to hear you are still going on the holiday.

Good luck with the talk later. Remember as others have said already you are not to blame for his choices. Keep strong x

You are doing brilliantly.

Re. tonight, there is a school of thought that says that in this kind of meeting, you will ALWAYS get more information the less you say. Start responding or worse, arguing and the conversation will derail.

So, be cool, calm, pretty silent, taking in what he says with a neutral expression. He'll says more than he intended to out of nerves and to fill the silences... And it's also a good approach as this afternoon you don't have to worry about preparing speeches or what to do!

Thank you GoPoldark, that's good advice. Kind of what I'd planned too - I want to keep communication open but it's up to DP to do the work, so if he wants to talk, he can talk. He knows I've got nothing else to say on the subject.

DS is back. He had a good time with DP and seems happy. Phew! DP was 10 mins early too - he is clearly on best behaviour.

Yes that is good advice.

I'd be dying to ask what he was thinking bringing her back to your house though. I wonder did he want to get caught or was it just the thrill of risky behaviour?

Hope you get to go away with your mum, i'm sure he'll want to go with you when you tell him though.

All the best to you - once again you are handling this brilliantly.

He 'll have reasons why he did what he did. They are not, however, excuses. He could have had exactly the same reasons but chosen to act very differently ie like a mature adult through discusion. He chose to act like a selfish child instead. That was his choice and the only 'excuses' for that lie in HIS personality issues.

You are doing so well.

I'd be using the phrase "You could have chosen to..." and using silence as GoPoldark says.

FWIW putting a new marriage back together is very tough indeed - far more than I thought. I'm not sure I could wholeheartedly recommend trying it - and we're one of the couples that IS doing well.

Well, it's over. He came round to say that he did it because he was unhappy and couldn't see a future with me. He thinks we should focus on what's best for DS. Well duh.
I feel oddly relieved. Numb, definitely but there's a lot of stuff I don't have to worry about now (can I trust him again? Do we have a future? etc) I can focus energy on dealing with this situation but it's somehow become less messy. I suspect it may hit be at some point but for now, I kind of feel OK. All those questions about where the relationship was going wrong are irrelevant. It's over.
And I feel that I can tell people the truth without worrying about what happens when we get back together. Is it crazy that I hope at some point we can maintain a friendly relationship for DS's sake? Or is that just shock talking again?

So, I hope to see a solicitor on Tues. Or if not, at some point next week and we'll start the ball rolling. I guess we have to sit down with DS together and talk to him. Maybe next weekend.

Oh by the way, I said practically nothing, just let him talk. I was tempted again to tell him how devastated I am but actually, it's not his business anymore.

Oh Folk

You sound like you're coping amazingly.

I kept telling my husband how much I loved him and how devastated I was and how I would do anything to make it right again. Didnt make a shred of difference. He had already emotionally detached himself from me and didnt really care about my feelings any more. So you are right, dont tell him how you feel, dont give him the satisfaction. I thought it would make him feel bad, guilty, upset etc. But it just seemed to annoy him......

I'm sure you will find a way to have a good relationship in the future for the sake of your ds. It might be painful but I believe it's certainly possible.

for the loss of your relationship folk. It prbobably will hit you some time soon, but you are right that at least you know where to go from here, rather than wondering what the future will be.

Bornto

Just found your thread and wanted to post to say that I am SO sorry for what has happened to you and your DS and also to say that you sound amazing-I am astounded by how strong you are being and (dare I say it) proud of you!

I have no advice to give, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your DS.

Hugs and best wishes to you both (and all the other brave, brave women on this thread)

Borntofolk your strength is inspiring. Good luck with telling ds and look forward to you holiday

At least you know - it had all the trademarks of someone who had already checked out, but did not have the guts to tell you face to face and in a kind way. I said it all along he wanted to get caught to speed up the process. You might look back one day and thank you lucky stars that DS needed his mum that day he felt under the weather, sometimes fate steps and I think it did they day you went home with DS and caught him at it in your bed.

At lease you can now prepare for your new life and I am SURE lots of us here will tell you all the plusses of being single and free. At this time it might be too much to take, but hold you head up very high and be proud you did absolutley nothing but make it work and you always without your knowledge had one hand tied behind your back becuase your partner had his own selfish agenda, and did not have the moral fibre to tell you how he had been feeling..... he will say no doubt I felt like this for a long time.

Good luck amazing lady. x

(((hug))) well done, you are doing so, so well. FWIW I think you will definitely get there on the friendly relationship for your DS sake bit. They key thing is wanting to, and you clearly put your DS first and want the best for him, and have all along.

In my (depressingly similar) situation, I've found it much simpler than I expected to WRT dealing with stuff for my DS sake. I'm about 18 weeks down the line now. It's been hard, and I'm by no means 'there' yet in the sense that I still hurt, I still cry and I still panic over silly things. But it's been easier than I thought to simply not contact or respond to my STBXH about anything other than our DS (and DC2-on-the-way). When it comes to the kids, we have agreed to present a united front... which is only possible right now because I want to. If you want to, you will do it. I believe you can.

And in the end it's worth it, because they say the best revenge is to live a happy life. The sordid fact of this betrayal is beneath you, as you move on to happier times just being dignified and getting on with life will say so much more than being resentful and angry possibly could. I think you're doing amazingly - keep on keeping on x

Hi Bornto so sorry but at least you know where you stand .. You are coping really well but be prepared for the days where you will feel the rug has been pulled from under your feet .. And keep posting.. This board has been my saviour xx

If you want to, you will do it. I believe you can.

Thank you. That means so, so much. Honestly, just knowing people (amazing strong women!) believe in me is helping me through this so much.

He's a coward, at the end of the day. He's so scared of conflict that he's prepared to sacrifice a relationship for the sake of avoiding a row.

I am relieved that he's done it now because this could have dragged on for months with him saying he's working on things and us having counselling, only for him to turn round and say he's had enough. So I'm glad it's happened now and I can look forward.

Mum's staying with me tonight. DS was up a few times last night with a stomach upset and I'm worried that he will be again tonight. I am so knackered and stressed that I'm worried I might suddenly lose it in the middle of the night.

I am walking out of this thing with my head held high. I did not give up when things got tough. I was honest and respectful and put DS's needs above everything else.

Can someone just please tell me I can be a single parent? I've lived with DP since I was 23 and he was (is?) a hands on Dad. Please tell me I can cope.

Being a single parent can be great, actually. It's quite liberating in many ways. You absolutely can do it. You'll excel.

Of course you can cope, I told you you are an amazing lady! You may some days have to dig deep for reserves of energy, and e to may now have rely on yourself for things that you did not even realise or know you could do, but put to the test, you will pass with flying colours.

If people offer to help - take them up on it - if you don't know how to do something ask - people like to be asked and needed. You might like to find a local support group for single parents. You will find a way, and what you don't know or need help with just come on to MN for some answers.

Take one step at a time, and don't worry about things that may never even happen. If you can go through life with the dignity and strength you have shown since you walked in on him and her in your house, in your bedroom, then you have some inner strength that will see you through. You will always look back on these last few days and be able to remind yourself that in your darkest hour, you coped and you acted wisely and that quality will never leave you. TRULY AMAZING LADY!!

You will be a fab single mum. You will get into a new routine and it will become easier.

Btw your mum sounds great and a good support for you. She and your son will help you thru this.

Good luck and wishing you a bright and happy future xx

You can do it

Wha is the alternative ?

I am really sorry, love, but he has told you clearly where you stand. As much as you don't want to hear this, many men will keep their partners hanging on for something that could never be.

Take your strength in your two hands and move on. You are a grown woman. You can do this, why ever could you not ?

You can do this. You really can!

You have shown so much strength already.

I felt a great weight lifted when I came to the place where I no longer had to worry about getting over my stbxh infidelity. And feel great comfort in knowing I did everything I could to make things work. But it was never going to work.

I was a single parent to my dd for 4 years from the age of 19 and it was a really liberating time for me. I never thought I would be here again though,but I am now 4 weeks to being a single parent to 3 dc and I am and doing just fine.

You sound like you have support from family. Let them help you.

You will be ok. Onwards and upwards. You have had a massive upheaval in your life. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to grieve.

Take care xxx

I think you will be an ace single parent!

All the very best wishes for your new future happiness.

Yes you can. You are doing it so well already, keeping your head screwed on good and tight and your heart where it belongs.