Did your parents divorce when you were between age 5 and 18?

[marykat2004]

The reason I'm asking is that I really don't know anyone who wasn't really damaged by their parents' divorces.

My parents stayed together for the children. We stayed at the same school, in the same house, in the same town. My parents fought all the time but they wanted us to have a stable environment. And so we did.

Nowadays it seems everyone just splits up because they are bored, or not passionately in love any more.

Did your parents divorce when you were a child? Do you think it was a good thing? DO you wish they had made more effort to stay together for your stability?

I ask because I am seriously thinking about splitting up but I can't justify my own 'happiness' at the sacrifice of a child having 2 parents to live with. I couldn't be 'happy' knowing I had brought so much misery to DH and DD.

I read your thread yesterday. I dont think your daughters life has any benefit from having her father in it full time at the moment. Parents who fight all the time are not creating a stable environment for a child, they are just raising a child in a war zone of arguments, which does not help any kid see how a good relationship should be.

Happy parents are a lot more likely to have a happy child. It doesnt matter if they are divorced, children adapt to the situation, and having divorced parents is more common than ever these days, not a stigma.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and it did me huge amounts of damage. But not the divorce itself, more how my father treated us afterwards - he never had time for us again.

So I don't think it's the act of divorce that damages children, it's whether they are made to feel as loved and wanted as possible by both parents afterwards.

For what it's worth, I don't think staying together for the sake of the children is a better option. Children need to see happy, loving parents. Anything less is going to give them a skewed idea of what a marriage looks like and damage them in other ways.

I don't wish my parents had stayed together. I would have hated to find out later they had sacrificed their own happiness for me, and I would feel very guilty about that. When my dad tried to come back, my brother and I asked my mum to chuck him out again!

My parents split when I was 8 and DB was 5. It was messy and horrible and we were distraught for years.

That said, they were miserable together. They argued all the time and even though they didn't do it in front of us it was obvious and they couldn't hide it. I think if they'd stayed together things may well have been just as horrible for us.

And now DF is married to someone who he is very happy with and DM is perfectly happy having the house to herself and not having to contend with my Dad.

I'm glad they split when they did as it gave them both a chance to be happy again, which in turn makes my brother and I happy.

Let me add that I don't fight with my husband, I had 2 relationships before this where we fought, and the reason I stayed with this one was because we don't fight. We don't scream, we don't argue. I just quietly resent his irresponsibility, his laziness and his illness (which he can't help). . And he probably hates some things about me but I don't know what they are.

So it's not like DD is witnessing loads of screaming matches.

My parents shouted but were never physically violent with us or each other.

for me its a kind of hierarchy

1. Crucial; stable home enviroment where live in parent is secure and loving
2. Important; both parents (and other involved adults) parent consistently (so now big discrepencies over boundaries etc) and without involving children in any conflict, both parents are very invloved in all aspects of childs life
3. nice but not really important parents demonstrate how to be in a loving and commited relationship

My parents divorced and yes i was a bit damaged but this was because problems in 2) and not 3).

My parents divorced when I was about 16 and - hand on heart - it did not and has not affected me in any way.

It was a totally amicable split and they are still very good friends now (they buy each other presents and will often spend Christmas/other family occasions together - even though my mother has been happily re-married for over thirty years) - I think this is probably the reason why it didn't trouble me or my brother.

They drifted apart really - there were never blazing rows or other unpleasantness. They were always fair and equal partners - they both worked full-time and shared all household tasks. My mother had simply found someone else through work - when she told my father, his reaction was to reach for the property section of the newspaper!

I enjoyed having two 'homes' to spend time in; I never favoured one parent over the other and enjoy a close and affectionate relationship with them both now (they are in their 80s).

With hindsight and an adult perspective, I can see that their relationship had run its course and they both wanted different things out of life. I'm not sure if there had been any 'staying together for the children' much before this point - we enjoyed family holidays right up to the point that they split. I just think that they were, and still are, two extremely laid-back and even-tempered people.

I do realise that this is rarely the norm - and that I was very lucky. I have had long and extremely happy marriage so far myself (special anniversary this year ) and learnt a lot about tolerance and sharing from my parents' examples.

Well, there is no consistency, because H is always saying he is going to do something and then not doing it. This really pissed me off a few weeks ago. He had told DD he would do this and that with her while I was going to see friends for a couple of hours on a Sunday, but he didn't wake up so I had to take her with me. I was so angry because her disapointment was obvious. DD and I had made a cake, and my friends were happy for me to bring her. I usually do things with DD all weekend every weekend anyway. But then H said he would do something with her that day. I was surprised he said that, but then when he let her down I was really upset about it. In the end DD had a good time with my friends, I know nice people who are quite ok to have kids around, they have dogs she plays with. But that's not the point. I can't stand the inconsistency.

There is no way to split without causing some damage to your children IMO. I have learned this over the last 11 months of being separated. But you can limit the extent of that damage if both of you put the kids first in a split. I chose to enrol my daughter on a counselling program at her school and it really helped her come to terms with everything. Reassurance continuously that both parents still love the children and don't hate each other. I try to reinforce the positives with my children such as having the best of both worlds with a house to stay in town and one to stay in the country. It's not all been plain sailing but I feel fairly confident that whilst there is no doubt the split has affected them to some degree, the damage isn't huge and certainly much less than I believe there would have been with the terrible fights and misery of when ex and I were still together.

My own patents split when I was 2 and although I was too young to remember they were not amicable and the effect of their split hit me in my teens when my mum reappeared on the scenes. Had things been done differently I doubt the damage would have been so huge.

My dad and step mum fought like cat and dog. It was not a fun childhood.

So ultimately I know you are worried about the damage a split would cause but compare it against the damage caused by staying together. Children deserve a happy, calm, respectful home.

My parents divorced when my youngest brother was 18. So they poisoned my childhood with the way they treated each other. Aged 11 I told one of his brothers how I didn't understand why they didn't just go their own ways as they were making everyone including themselves just miserable. Totally shattered their image of respectability to "the outside world" yet they still persisted with the sham. Family totally splintered / no-one speaks to anyone else now. We all retreated into our own worlds / lives to deal with homelife. Quite sad really.

(father's brothers that is)

My parents told me they were splitting when I was 14. I was devastated at the time - there had been no shouting and screaming, they had just grown apart - and in my self-absorbed teenage world I hadn't seen it coming. But by the time my mum actually moved out, several months later, I had got used to the idea and I honestly don't think it did me any long term damage.

But it was amicable, so I can't speak for kids whose parents are always fighting.

Mine divorced when I was 12/13 ish. My elder brother was 16/17 and my younger brother 9/10.

My parents divorce was very messy and nasty, as was the custody battle, but I never wished that they would stay together. They hated each other and we hated living with them like that.

I have had some issues relating to the divorces since then, but nothing major. I know that i'd have had more issues had they stayed together.

Yes, I would say I am quite damaged by it because

1. My mum did not want a divorce (my dad left her for ow) and she became depressed and alcoholic. Although I had an older brother, he went to University soon after the divorce, so I was basically left living alone with a depressed parent for 7 or 8 years

1. My dad went on to marry and have three more children (the eldest born when I was 16) and neglected his relationship with me pretty badly.

1. For most of my young adulthood I had no support or interest from either parent, who were basically too tied up in themselves.

My mother is still traumatised by being left for ow, nearly 40 years later! My dad has passed away and we never had a really close relationship which is something I regret, especially when I see how fantastically close he was to my 3 younger half siblings.

I think if you can have an amicable divorce and both parents are genuinely involved and interested in the children then it need not be traumatic for the dc.

We are not fighting, but there would be no relationship with her dad if we split. He does zero cleaning, would not even bathe if I didn't force him to. He doesn't clean up spills in the kitchen, and would very likely start drinking heavily again if he lived alone. Well, actually, with his health problems he would probably have to go into some sort of supported housing, if he could get a place. Not somewhere a kid would go stay. So, she would rarely, if ever, see him. But I don't know if she feels like he loves her now, as he sleeps most of the time and often lets her down.

My parents split when I was 12. I was devastated but apart from the initial shock that is entirely because my father has acted like an utter cunt from the day he left a nite propped against the kettle to this. I haven't seen him since I was 16 and consider him dead.

What's the illness he has?

Nowadays it seems everyone just splits up because they are bored, or not passionately in love any more.

But then you are considering splitting because he is responsible and ill. Not sure which is better.

My mum found out my dad had had an affair with her best friend when I was 6. They decided to stay together for the sake of me and my brother who was 3 at the time. It was absolute hell. They fought like cat and dog, my dad had other affairs, it has effected me deeply and has overshadowed my relationships. They eventually divorced when I was 28. I wish the hell they'd done it when I was 6. I know every case is different, and people should do what they feel is right for them, but unless you can keep up a facade of a warm loving home whilst living with a partner you'd rather not be with then I personally think its better not to stay together for the children. Kids notice things you'd never imagine they would. And it will effect their concepts of love and relationships. I, in turn, left my husband 6 years ago after our marriage broke down. Speaking to my children who were 9, 12 and 13 at the time, they are much happier for this, even if they don't live with their dad any more.

My parents should have but didn't in order to provide a stable life for us DC.
I ended up as the eldest playing ref for many years and still am to some extent their now somewhere between just living together for the practicalities and because both of them are scared they will be lonely.
It's horrid as a grown DD I want to shake them and want them to be happy! If you are truly not happy and you handle separating in the right way it will be better long term.... I'm not messed up by parents sticking together however its hard to watch the 2 people you adore knock each other down through out your life

My parents split up when I was 19 - so just outside your profile - but i was eldest of four kids. Hasn't affected me I don't think -I think it was (broadly) very amicable & they have always preserved a sense of family (eg we always have Christmas all together, whenever we come to stay my dad will come & camp out at my mums etc) My parents now live very close together (same village) although when he moved out he lived a few miles away. Always had the younger two for weekends etc. I suspect it was very tough on my brother (eldest child left at home, got dragged into some politics, esp around money) but none of us seem scared tbh. My dad buys my mum big presents at Christmas & birthdays because they got divorced at a stage where she didn't get any of his pension, so she gets her part of his pension in ipads & flatscreen tvs

My parents split up when I was 8 when my mother decided she could no longer cope with his affairs.

The divorce was not particularly amicable but I do not think it has damaged me in any way. It showed me that you do not have to put up with a miserable existance with somebody that does not respect you.

My dbro was affected but that was more to do with my fathers appalling treatment of him than the divorce.

IMO you also have to consider what sort of relationship you are modelling for your children and what sort of behaviours you are normalising for them.

My parents divorced when I was 11 and, like Talc, I can honestly say that I didn't mind at all. It was an amicable divorce, both my parents behaved very well, reassured me and my sister that they still loved us, and carried on living very close so that we could still see lots of both of them.

I am aware this isn't the norm but I think that if both parents treat their children's wellbeing as the priority then it makes the whole thing much easier for children to deal with. Having said that, my younger sister dealt with the whole thing much worse than I did and had to leave school for a while, but I don't think she would say now that it did any lasting damage.

The picture you paint of this poor girls home life is dismal. You clearly are so unhappy.

You need to think about what kind of life you are modelling for her.

Don't allow him and his issues to imprison you and your daughter. If he can control his drinking now, he can control it on his own. If he needs supported housing, then so be it. He clearly doesn't care about anyone or anything, and certainly not the happiness and wellbeing of his family.

You are not his carer, nor his mother, you are not owned by him. By staying you are teaching your DD what to accept. Imagine how your heart would feel if you saw HER in your position in the future.

Your child could be damaged beyond repair watching such a tragedy play out around her, you are potentially setting her up for an abusive relationship. If she learns this victimhood so early in life, she has NO chance of recognising a toxic relationship.

You have to show her that people make choices. that to bath, to help, to parent, to clean, and to be a good and caring person are all personal choices. You have a right to be happy and an obligation to making your DD's life the best it can be.

You and she can and will be perfectly happy living away from this man. Perhaps it's what her father needs; a kick in that arse of his, you and DD leaving so that he can see how he needs to shape up.

My parents divorced when I was 6. It was awful, never got any better and it is still a mess. My father is essentialy a nice person who did his best (my mother left him for another man), there was no arguing.

My mother left for the excitement of it and all that passionately in love business, her new relationship didn't take long to go wrong but she stuck with that one to the detrement of us all.

In my experience the worst bit was the new partners. Myself and my sister were in the way in both houses and I don't feel that I have parents - they have never been interested or supportive, just wrapped up in their own relationships.

My parents separated and then divorced when I was 11/12. My mum left my dad for another man who despite having a load of money turned out to be an alcoholic, violent man.

So the divorce itself didn't, IMO, affect me significantly - but the way in which my mother poisoned us against our father, denied us contact with him and then made our lives miserable for the next 6 years until I went to university did.

I think it is better to have 2 separated, happy parents than stay together "for the children" and subject them to bad atmospheres, fights, sulks, moods, misery and a great example of what a relationship shouldn't be like.