Did your parents divorce when you were between age 5 and 18?

[marykat2004]

The reason I'm asking is that I really don't know anyone who wasn't really damaged by their parents' divorces.

My parents stayed together for the children. We stayed at the same school, in the same house, in the same town. My parents fought all the time but they wanted us to have a stable environment. And so we did.

Nowadays it seems everyone just splits up because they are bored, or not passionately in love any more.

Did your parents divorce when you were a child? Do you think it was a good thing? DO you wish they had made more effort to stay together for your stability?

I ask because I am seriously thinking about splitting up but I can't justify my own 'happiness' at the sacrifice of a child having 2 parents to live with. I couldn't be 'happy' knowing I had brought so much misery to DH and DD.

I think this is a sensible list from witch. It is not the separation that causes the damage to children but how parents act there after.

The phrase putting the children first seems to be accepted but often not acted on. We see it often on MN, parents separating and then quickly dating again and introducing new partners.

1. Crucial; stable home enviroment where live in parent is secure and loving
2. Important; both parents (and other involved adults) parent consistently (so now big discrepencies over boundaries etc) and without involving children in any conflict, both parents are very invloved in all aspects of childs life
3. nice but not really important; parents demonstrate how to be in a loving and commited relationship

Staying together for the kids might mean they don't have two homes or a broken family. You might never argue. You might be civil. But you are settling. It would kill me to see my girls settle for anything less than happy. The children might not be miserable or damaged, but they are still getting life lessons on how a relationship works.

So if I was miserable, yes it would break my heart to break my family up, I would still strive for happiness. Selfish maybe but I would not want the same for my kids.

My mum and dad split when I was 8, I genuinly never saw it coming as they never argued in front of us, then they tried to get back and it was awful, you could feel then tension.
My dad thought I was old enough to understand and 20 years on has realised I was still so young.
I am not damaged in anyway, It definetly changed me but for the better, Dad would never have let me do much but without him I gained independence, we have a good relationship now. If I could turn back the clock I would have changed mum not having pined for him for so long. She is an inspiration and we all adore her. Even though we never saw the fights we were so much happier when they split.

Have you given him an ultimatum, and laid it on the line what he has to do to change and what will happen if he doesn't? Would you do that? Would you support counselling/therapy/whatever if that was available? Do you think you could love him again if he did get a grip?

Mine split when I was 10 and yes, it was messy and horrible - and especially traumatic because my mother, DB and I moved to another country (the UK) afterwards so I didn't see much of my father for some years afterwards - although we had a very good adult relationship. I do still think it was better than the alternativem though - which was a tense, unhappy house.

And my older DCs went through my split with their father when they were 6 and 8 - again, obviously hard but so much better because their father and I stayed friends, and maintained some sort of a civil relationship. He's always been a fully equal parent. WIth them - DD was affected more than DS1, who emerged pretty much unscathed. You can achieve a lot with damage limitation - never slag off your ex to your kids, do whatever you can to stay civil, if that's possible, make contact easy and stress free.

I don't know your particular situation OP but I'm going to be honest.

Mine split when I was about 11. It was shite. It definitely damaged me. And it wasn't even 'that bad'. I went into step family and I was very unhappy. With a stepmum who put her own dc first. I felt like a lodger in what should have been my own home, it caused bad anxiety problems. I could go on and on.

In my opinion, it sometimes it is better to stay in a stale and passionless relationship, even a sometimes unhappy one, for the kids!

When I read bald statements such 'your children will be better off in a situation where you, their mother, are happy'. How does anybody possibly know that, how can any poster on here state that? Especially given that all situations and children are different. No-one is perfect and your next partner and ex's partner will not be perfect either. What you going to do then, uproot the kids again because you 'deserve to be happy'?

I full accept that I don't know if I would have been unhappy if they'd stayed together. They did argue a lot but all I know is the pre divorce was better than post.

Of course no-one should be deeply unhappy and if you are then you have to do what you've got to do. I agree it's all about how the divorce is handled and I wasn't told all the basics like 'it's not your fault' 'we still love you' which might have helped a wee bit!

And it's amazing what some women on this board have done for others - helping them to leave destructive relationships. I'm in awe of how some posters pick up on and understand abusive patterns and help the OP out of the situation.

But I get so upset sometimes, thinking 'NO!!' you do NOT know that it will be better for the children when the situation is merely unhappy - and possibly temporarily at that.

My parents started to have huge problems when I was about 9/10 and the house was full of screaming and shouting arguments, my mum down stairs crying my dad upstairs in a horrible mood refusing to talk to anyone even me.

They eventually split up 3 years later and for years I wished they'd do it sooner. Even as a child you know when you walk into a room and there's an atmosphere and you hear the hushed arguments.

It did effect me for a few years, my dad lost complete interest with me and we spoke once every few weeks which gradually moved into months, things are abit better now as we get along fine but just not often enough, he was never bothered to spend time with me, take me out or do anything like that and my mum got very depressed and blamed the world and me for her life going wrong which caused us to have a bad relationship for a few years but as she got stronger and happier so did our relationship and now were as close as ever.

And im not damaged now, just wish they split sooner

My parents divorced when I was 18. I'm the oldest of four. The divorce had a greater effect on me, I would say, because my Mum used me as a confidante. The other three were so used to the silences that they didn't notice anything.

It was a pretty horrific time and despite my Mum being happily remarried she rarely has a good word to say about my Dad. She even asked me at the time to watch him in case he tried to kill himself.

My Dad has behaved brilliantly and never says a bad word about Mum. We are all a lot closer to him as he is happy now and has a relationship with us on his terms rather than as my Mum sees fit. She is lovely but let's her views on my Dad cloud things.

I wish they had split sooner, to be honest, there was no affection in the house and I honestly can't see why they were ever together, despite four planned children.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my brother was 8. They had never fought in front of us, just grew apart, and we were really surprised when they told us they were splitting up. However they handled it brilliantly and we were totally reassured that they both loved us and we never felt it was our fault. They had a few years of not having much contact with each other but we went to Dad's every weekend; eventually we all went on a family holiday with lots of other families one Xmas so we could all spend it together and my mum and step mum got on really well and now they are all incredibly good friends. We do lots of family stuff together and I think they see more of each other than I see of them (I live 4 hours away, they live in the same area). They both truly put the children first. So while we were really happy pre-divorce, we were also not damaged by divorce, I would say, and our step mum has been a wonderful addition to our lives. DB and I are both happily married and looking set for the long term.

My parents divorced when I was 7. My mother was physically abusive to us. It wasn't as bad when he was there as she wouldn't do it in front of him. So in that sense yes it was worse for us when they split.

But the physical abuse was so bad that it was all about that, nothing whatsoever about the impact of the divorce. That was small fry.

Not much use to your thread I'm afraid!

my parents split when i was 13-15 (it was drawn out and messy basically)

and it was a massive, massive relief when it finally happened. even though we had to live in a one-room flat for a year, and had no money, it was just a huge relief and things got better from there.

my mother had tried to "stay together for the children" from the time i was around 5/6 years old, and it was the shittest idea in history IMO. if they had split up earlier, it would have been easier, and my sister in particular would have suffered less (when i was very little, their marriage was happy; whereas she was born into a shit situation and it screwed her up so much)

My mum finally divorced my dad when I was about 11.
He was an alcoholic, and I had been begging her to do it for at least 2 years.

It was such a relief when he was finally gone. There was no abuse (and I adored him as a small child, which made it so hard to see him love the alcohol more than me) but it felt like we were constantly on a knife-edge, waiting for him to come home in a terrible state, etc.

I am only just really coming to terms with it now, as once divorced, my mother made it clear that the matter was never to be spoken about again.

My parents divorced when I was 8. It was a violent sudden separation and quick divorce followed by years of arguing between both parents.

I wasn't really bothered about the divorce to be honest, I didn't care, it didn't really make any difference to anything.

The decade of having to look after my mum while she drank her way into a depression she never climbed out of (she's in hospital now after another suicide attempt) probably damaged me more. That and being completely abandoned by my dad to do said looking after.

My parents split when I was eight and it was messy and awful. But thank god they did,because both my mum and I were much happier without my dad. I know if she had stayed he would have ruined both our lives, as it turned out I went on to have a good relationship with him as an adult when he couldn't control me. And my mum remarried very happily.

My adult children tell me they wish I'd divorced their father sooner.

They were late teens when it happened.

I had been staying to prop him up - sounds a bit similar to you. I feared his 'decline' following the divorce. He did 'decline' both in terms of finances (he was hugely irresponsible) and health (had a nervous breakdown). I did not wish that for him BUT I'm glad I wasn't with him. I'd spent yrs staving those events off to the detriment of my own health and wealth.

He is recovering.

I'm free to be a good mum. I spend money wisely and sensibly - we're not rich but don't lurch from crisis to crisis. We do family things instead of pandering to a man who's choice of Sunday activity was to have a can of Stella in his hand and say we'll go out later........
But later never came.

Sadly, my parents never got divorced.

Even if there are no screaming fights etc, the silences and passive agressiveness and general negative atmosphere does as much damage.

My parents divorced when i was ten. It was very very messy, we were encouraged to take sides (daddy locked out by mum. Mum saying 'don't let him in', Dad saying 'don't listen to your mum let me' in etc)

It was very traumatic and has blighted my life. I have grown up suffering depression, and mum's new man had 'roving hands' which I still receive counselling for. Neither parent is in a better position regarding partners or finances.

None of us have fulfilled our potential in school, careers etc due to a lack of cohesive parental pushing and caring. I found it very difficult to be a loving mother and negotiate a relationship. I have had to study these things and learn from others. It has been a lot of work.

Divorce sucks. And a lot of people today don't give their marriages two minutes before they cry divorce. A lot of people who divorce are blinkered about the true effects on their children's self-esteem etc. That's why I absolutely HATE to see so many people throw in the towel on their marriages for flimsy reasons.

My parents split when I was 11 and my sister was 9. No, I don't think it's done either of us any harm. If anything, my relationship with my father improved after he moved out (I'd always been close to mum) - mostly because both of them were a lot less miserable after the divorce.

I know that my parents love me - both of them - and so does my sister. I also knew that they didn't love each other long before they eventually went their separate ways. Maybe my experience would have been different if my mum and dad had ever tried to poison us against the other one, had called each other names, etc. They didn't. We had family Christmas dinners every year and both my parents were present at every important event in our lives.

My parents spilt up when I was 9, got back together again and then split up again (finally) when I was 17. Any damage incurred (and there's a fair amount) is/was caused by them staying together the first time, and by my Dad being a twunt. I still wish they'd just stayed apart - it would have been healthier for everyone.

I don't think anyone would choose to be divorced. You don't marry planning your divorce.

I was chatting with my 18 yr old this weekend about the desire (mine) to be part of a family unit with the father of my children. Despite that desire my divorce was still the right thing to do. She agreed. It's a really tough decision. Divorce is usually damaging. No way to pretend it isn't. What you are balancing is how damaging the life you have prior to divorce is vs the life after.

Making life after divorce 'good' and avoiding pitfalls of bitterness/involving DC in fights etc is really important

So in summary, divorce isn't damaging. Self absorbed parents forgetting they are parents while they deal with their emotional baggage or fuck about are damaging.

Spot on, chub.

Exactly Chub. Divorce won't make a poor parent, good. It may make life harder ...or easier. Neither marriage nor divorce is a cure for all.

My parents split before I was 5, then split with their next partners when I was between the ages you say, as ere my younger half-siblings (who therefore had their parents split in that age group).

I honestly do not think it did any of us any harm. The reason is that the divorces were unbelievably civilised, with all parties remaining on extremely good terms and never ever bad-mouthing one another under any circumstances. In fact I only ever found out about 'the dirt' (and there was a lot of it) when I was an adult (and my father had been dead for years).

It can be done, it just requires leaving the kids well out of any disagreements and, I now realise, a supreme ability to bite your tongue.