Did your parents divorce when you were between age 5 and 18?

[marykat2004]

The reason I'm asking is that I really don't know anyone who wasn't really damaged by their parents' divorces.

My parents stayed together for the children. We stayed at the same school, in the same house, in the same town. My parents fought all the time but they wanted us to have a stable environment. And so we did.

Nowadays it seems everyone just splits up because they are bored, or not passionately in love any more.

Did your parents divorce when you were a child? Do you think it was a good thing? DO you wish they had made more effort to stay together for your stability?

I ask because I am seriously thinking about splitting up but I can't justify my own 'happiness' at the sacrifice of a child having 2 parents to live with. I couldn't be 'happy' knowing I had brought so much misery to DH and DD.

My parents divorced when I was 13, my brothers were 9 and 7. One of my earliest memories is walking round the streets in the rain where we lived with my mum pushing my newborn baby brother in his pram, and looking up at my mum and seeing tears streaming down her face. I didn't know why she was so upset, but I knew it had something to do with my father. Turns out she'd just found out that my father had been shagging her best friend while she was pregnant with my brother. That theme continued for another 9 years, each affair affecting me more and more deeply, until one day I told my mother that I really hated my father and that gave her the strength to do what she should have done years before and throw him out.

I wish more than anything that she'd booted him out years before, but I totally understand why she didn't, he was a controlling manipulative charmer and she was surrounded by people who told her that 'good Catholics don't get divorced, you just put up with it'. Because she stuck with him, my brothers and I spent years witnessing the aftermath of his affairs, and his controlling behaviour towards my mother and us.

I haven't seen my father for almost 20 years (through my own choice), and my brothers have also severed contact with him. I definitely have issues to do with my parents' divorce, but I don't let it overshadow my life and I wouldn't say it's affected my relationships with men either. My mother remarried a lovely man who is worth a million of my father. My brothers on the other hand I think have been more affected by the divorce than I was, but I think my dad never really loved them anyway and he didn't make much effort with contact after they separated, and it's that that has caused them the most upset, the fact that he couldn't be bothered to maintain a relationship with them.

Once my parents were divorced, things were a lot harder in many ways - mainly financial - but me and my brothers had an infinitely happier home life than we ever did when our parents were together.

That sums it up Chub.

Divorce per se may not be detrimental to the child/ren but pursuing ones own happiness before and after divorce at the total expense of your children's probably will be.

My parents' split when I was young, caused me to have a rotten childhood but I can't say it would have been any better if they had stayed together although as neither of them were monsters I think things could have been worked out between them with good therapy.

Examples of what caused me a lot of pain:

parents living a long way apart, sometimes in different countries, meaning that I had to travel at weekends/holidays and could not follow any regular persuits that would have happened on a weekend and missed birthday parties etc to the extent that I lost my friends.

guilt of wanting to choose friends over seeing non resident parent once I got to teens.

parents not communicating about where I was, presuming I was with the other, which means I was often just out getting into trouble.

Step parents not wanting the bother of step kids.

Older step siblings who bullied me.

Thank you for all your responses. It is fascinating how many of you do not seem damaged by your parents' splits. I know my niece certainly has been bitter for all of her life since the break of her parents when she was in her teens (she is 32 now.)

(I am working through answers as I've been offline doing bedtime routine for a couple of hours.. )

@Procrastinating (and others) - that is a problem I see all around me, the step parents. Maybe not the actual break up but the new relationships. Sometimes a new love seems to take over one's love for one's children. I have even seen a mother move to a new country to be with a new partner, leaving a child behind for monthly visits. That has been hell for al involved.

I do also know examples of couples who have split but live in the same town with new partners and all are happy. there are now stepsiblings on both sides and they are all one big happy family. But I think that's a bit rare..

Interesting that some people are saying the divorce didn't damage them but the aftermath did. As if the divorce didn't lead to the aftermath?

When I look at our situation, I know beyond a doubt that my H will not live more than a few years if we split up. Without me as jail warden, he would be free to fraternise with any scum he likes, drink and maybe even take up drugs, who knows. He was never a druggie before, and despite being in a band with a junkie, his drug of choice was always alcohol. But without me he would be a total mess. I am fairly sure that if we hadn't met he would even be dead by now (he is 50.). Every time he has been to hospital it has been because I've taken him or called the ambulance. He would never take that initiative. (early on, mental health and 3 times for heart failure, the last 2 after stopping drinking for 2.5 years).

I guess people - or dare I say women - really change when they have children. the man who may have once been a fun partner suddenly seems like a loser in the face of the realities and responsibilities of life. Yes, DD was planned, but I don't think we thought it through. Before his heart trouble DH did do a lot of childcare while I worked. But after my redundancy he did less and less. Then he got ill.

I really do not want to see my daughter with someone like that. I want her to have a partner who works, for a start. And no, of course I would not want to see her unhappy. But even men who work, they can still be awful, abusive, controlling. I really can't think of a man who isn't in some way a total nightmare to live with. Sorry. I guess I only know dickheads.

(sorry this is getting long...)

I guess the people who survived divorce unscathed had 2 functioning parents. I'm not entirely sure I'm functioning any more, and DH certainly isn't and wouldn't be if we split. I think one of the things that stopped me leaving 5 years ago was that it wouldn't be a case of him having DD at weekends or sharing the care - it would be on my own, full stop. And no family nearby.

My DH's drinking stopped after the first heart failure. But he seems to have taken it up again since his father died 6 months ago. Taken it up only occassionally; I was not aware as it only happened when I was out of town (until last weekend). I have requested it be nipped in the bu. No way can I go through some of the incidents we used to go through. he can not have 'just one'. It is zero tolerance, that is what I am saying. BUt even when not drinking, he has let DD down a lot. Saying he would do stuff with her and then just staying in bed. It makes me so angry. I have to explain he is illl blah blah blah. She just worked out the other week that he gets DLA; she asked "Do you get money for being sick?" and I was horrified, I do not want her to see that as a lifestyle choice. I desperately want to be back in work myself, I worked all my life since I was 16 while studying. Not that it is his choice, he really is too ill to work.

Ok I am going to stop waffling now.. but thank you all for your answers. it is not an easy decision for anyone to make.

My parents divorced when I was about 13. They were unhappy for as long as I can remember and I grew up watching a couple who never EVER kissed, hugged or really had anything to do with each other. My Dad earned the money and lived very seperately to us, never taking much of an interest. He was very focused on his family and did put them before us in many ways. My Mum was a SAHM so was heavily involved in our lives but her time with my Dad made her bitter and hostile. There were no horrible events but the general day-to-day life of my entire childhood was pretty shit. As Irish Catholics, divorce was very taboo in both families but my Mum eventually got sick of it and divorced him. My Dad left the country and now lives back in Ireland.

The fallout was bad in the family - my GPs never forgave my Mum for divorcing my Dad and it caused a lot of friction for a while afterwards but that subsided. My Mum went off the rails a bit though. I think she felt the need to grasp what she believed she had been missing out on and she also hated being alone for the first time EVER in her life and she immediately replaced my Dad with a total loser who married her (further familial shock/horror) and then literally disappeared 5 years later, leaving my Mum up to her eyes in debt that she's still paying off now. She discovered that he was in France and he recently died so she's now a widow. New boyfriend on the go...

One positive that did come out of it was an utter change in my and my brother's relationship with my Dad. Being in another country meant that we all had to make a better effort to stay in touch and we talk now more than we ever did when living under the same roof. Now that I have kids of my own, I take them to visit my Dad annually and have regained contact with all my Irish cousins.

I REALLY wish my parents had divorced sooner. Their lack of any kind of normal contact within a relationship really impacted on my own behaviour and I've had to learn how to function "normally" within a marriage. I really resent my parents for not equipping me properly for my own life. The impact of the divorce was so much less than the impact of an abnormal upbringing.

I think you have to teach your children the value of being happy people themselves and their best example will be you.

Given my experiences, the main thing I have done with my separation for my DC is to make sure that we come to them, i.e. they do not have to trail about after wherever their parents are. I have not involved a step family. I have made sure they have stability of sorts, although we have actually lived in a few countries but I got them into situations where they met other "international" kids so they had some sort of peer group, I made sure that things like school concerts and friends' birthdays were never missed for visits to the non resident parent.

Only read the OP not the rest of the thread, but I grew up with parents who were very unhappy and they didn't divorce until I was at university. I wish my mother had left sooner, growing up in a house with adults who are miserable is a shitty experience. I would never want to put DD through that.

It didn't do me any harm. My parents split up when I was 14. Thank GOD they did.

For as long as I remembered they never seemed very fond of each other, never wore wedding rings or mentioned their anniversary. I do remember yelling at them during one argument " Just get DIVORCED!!". It seemed pointless them being together.

When they split up Dad had his new house a couple of miles away in the same town, me and my sister had the keys to his house and he had an 'open door' policy. No silly weekends or rota with him as we could stay whenever we fancied. 2 christmases, happier parents who eventually re-married people they did seem to like. Dad got a kitten to make sure me and my sister always went to stay .

They never made a song and dance out of it and (hardly) bitched about each other. Dad was a bit of shit with maintenance for a while and I do wonder if there was any overlap with other relationships but nothing damaging.

Mine divorced when I was 7 and it turned my world upside down. I think I might have been Ok though were it not for my stepfather, with whom I had a horrible relationship. He was manipulative, jealous and highly emotionally abusive. it's taken me years and a loving and patient DH for me to realise that these were his issues and not my fault. His abuse has tainted every friendship and relationship I have ever had before DH. i had a lot of very EA boyfriends growing up because he (SD) taught me that my role in life was to walk on eggshells and take the blame for everything. Luckily now, at Nearly 40 I am beginning to recover myself and my confidence.

If you do split, then please, be very aware of the effects that a third party can have on your kids.

Marykat you do not actually have that power over your h to keep him alive.
You don't now what will happen if you and dd leave him for a better more pleasant life.
Only thing for sure is it would be his choice .

He lets dd down and you down too often.
Yet you think that you literally have power of life or death over him.
You don't you really don't.

He might try to do something to persuade you but you have to let go of your responsibility towards. Him when he gives nothing back to you and dd.
He is an adult.
He is not your child.
His illness is not caused or cured by you.

Yes dla is for chronically Ill people. nothing wrong with telling dd that.
But Sick or not letting her down is not on.

Let go of him.
Move on . His health is his to deal with .
That he drinks when you not there ? Tough. His choice .

He would be a mess without you ? Well his choice.

But what could you be without him?

Interesting thread which has really made me think. My parents separated when I was 7, fairly soon after my mum's attempted suicide. My father was an alcoholic. I remember them fighting, even physical (though she was the violent one), but no-one would have guessed it from the outside.

The aftermath of the separation (and later divorce) was awful. I felt angry with my mum for kicking my dad out and angry with my dad for abandoning me to my mum, who then took her anger out on us. My parents could have written the book on how not to divorce.

My father was totally unreliable and really dropped contact when I was around 13. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive.

I have always felt that I was very damaged by my parents separation but it is impossible to know whether that damage is greater or less than the damage that would have been caused if they'd stayed together.

I do know that I stayed in my own marriage for years longer to try to avoid the same damage being done to my children. We have tried to maintain a good relationship and the children see lots of their dad. I have overcompensated massively to try to reduce the impact of the separation on them.

And yet they still feel much as I did. They all, in their own way, feel that the separation is their fault. They have become less secure, more angry and more challenging to live with. They need the boundaries to be stronger than ever at a time when I find it hard to come down hard on them, given what they have been through, and given what I am dealing with on a personal level. My divorce has forced me to deal with my childhood (with the help of an excellent counsellor) but still brings challenges on a daily basis, 2.5 years on. However, it is increasingly obvious that ex does not put the DCs first and, while he has them to stay, he's not really 'available' to them. This causes huge distress to DD who feels unable to articulate her anger to him as, I believe, she doesn't want to risk outright rejection.

So, to summarise where I currently am. Children are very damaged by feeling rejected. There is a lot of rejection around separation. Inevitably children can feel rejected and responsible for that separation. If both parents work hard at showing children that they are not rejected and that the separation is not their fault, children will find ways to accommodate the separation. The less the parents are able to do that, the more the impact and damage the separation will have on the children.

My parents divorced when I was 17. Honestly it didn't effect me in the slightest but that's probably because I'd already left home. (Now my mum confiding in me about her new boyfriend {now her DP of 16 years} when she hadn't even left my dad yet, hell yeah that effected me)!

It had a profound effect on my sister who was 13 at the time. But that is more to do with the fact that my mum pretty much just went AWOL from having any kind of relationship with my sister for about 2 years afterwards. bitch It has effected my sister's self esteem, her choice in men (has always managed to pick complete twats) and a lot of her life decisions. It's also effected our relationship as siblings as she seems to resent me for not living at home during the divorce and going through the same thing she did.

I'm glad my parents split up. They didn't get on brilliantly and argued a fair bit. I could see very quickly that it was better for everyone. Might sound a bit mean but I never understood/understand kids that care about it a lot, why does it matter as long as you still see both your parents, you get used to it quick and u get double xmas presents lol! Why anyone would stay in a relationship for the kids is beyond me, in what way would it benefit the kids? To be around two unhappy parents.

When I read your post Marykat you sounded just so desperately sad, like you're trapped in a life you can't see a way out of. There IS a way out, your responsibilities for your DD come way above those for your DH, who is a grown man. It's one thing being ill, but it's another to routinely let your DD down, and in the process let you down too but not being a proper parent. Parenthood should be a partnership, and it doesn't sound like your DH is playing his part. You sound like you really want your DD to grow up with good role models in a happy home environment, and I commend you for that.

'I guess the people who survived divorce unscathed had 2 functioning parents' - not true in my case. I had one fuckwit parent who punished my mother for throwing him out by withholding maintenance, and turning his back on not just her but her kids too (ie us!), and one functioning parent who mustered every reserve of strength she had within her to leave the man she'd been with since she was 16, who had controlled her and made her life a misery, and bring us up alone. She worked her arse off to keep us all going, and my admiration for her in doing that goes beyond words. If my mother could do it, I honestly believe you can - if that's what you really want.

It doesn't sound like your DH is a shit in the true sense of the word, he sounds like a man that used to be a great DH and a great DF and has lost his way. I guess the question is, do you think there's any hope for him? Can he change? If he can't, what do you think would be better for your DD, to grow up in a happy home with one parent, or a miserable one with two?

I was four, so a bit younger. The damage that was done was due to my father just not bothering to keep in touch much, leaving my mum struggling and us children feeling very rejected. But on the other hand, he was and is a difficult, selfish person, so who knows what damage I would have suffered had he been more involved in my upbringing.

People who have met someone else and think that the grass is greener use the "happy parents equal happy children" argument to justify their decision to leave, ime. The children don't usually thank them for it. There is a lot of self-deception before a separation about the level of communication that there will be afterwards, when in reality it is incredibly difficult and doesn't usually work out well.

But your situation is different I think op and the negatives in your current situation quite large.

My parents split when I was 5 ( as I started school). Hand on heart it has done me no damage.

They kept it all very amicable, which must have been difficult at times. They are both great people though just not meant to be together.

It is interesting. My parents fought like cats and dogs when they were together. Yet still I preferred life with them together, rather than life with them apart. When my parents split up, divorce was on the increase, but not as common as it is today, and I felt it removed me from my friends and other kids, made me fell different and somehow less worthy than them.

I sometimes wonder what the point of it was, as both parents went on to get other partners who weren't necessarily any better for them. The issues that had made them separate simply transferred to the new relationships and in time these broke down too, with my mother making a very bad choice (out of loneliness and abandonment issues).

My father started another family almost straight away, and to this day his finances are dire as a result of maintaining two families and paying for yet another separation.

One thing that often happens with divorce is that the children keep things to themselves in a bid not to upset their parents any further. I kept a lot of things secret.

Overall, I would say the over-riding feeling I think changed for me was a feeling of safety. After the divorce I felt vulnerable and not quite safe. Everything I had placed trust in as a child shifted monumentally and I never saw the world quite the same way again.

It really takes work to reassure the children that both parents will always be there for them come what may. My parents were quite rubbish at that - although I don't blame them anymore.

Yes to a lot of the common sense on here.

2 happy parents who are separated are far better to be around than two unhappy parents who are together

mine separated when I was 11, it was really hard for us, we were drawn into the drama and it defined my teens and my childhood. looking back I was told far more than i should have been (e.g about affairs etc) and the worst was trying to make mum feel better - she was depressed - when I couldnt and not knowing what to do.
Yet it was and is still so much better that they split. if only they had managed it more thoughtfully. God my mother bitched endlessly about my father, she had cause- but we really didn't need to hear it all our lives, i didn't know what to do with it all. totally manipulated.

I think if you let the child be a child and get out and set up a happier life than you have now, they will learn positive things about adult relationships.

My parents split when I was 10/11. My sister was 5/6.

Yes, it was awful, and confusing, and I wanted us to be a family again.

But - it was a million times better than sitting at the top of the stairs, listening to them arguing, and wondering if it was my fault

My dad moved out and lived with my grandmother until my mother found somewhere else to live. The only thing I remember about that was the argument they had over who got the fridge (and this was an amicable divorce - they went through the same solicitor!)

The most important thing I remember about my parent's divorce is that both of them were happier afterwards - both of them looked like they were "free".

They bitch about each other now, but I'm 25 so I can tell them to shut up.

I hope you see the reasoning behind my bolding there, OP.