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Original poster

Is my H cheating? Please help!

71 replies

SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 12:20

I have been married for 5 years and have a 3 years old DS. We moved to the UK 1.5 years back following H's transfer within his organisation. H works in international sales and tours 3-4 days a week. I am a SAHM right now.

For a long time now I am feeling disconnected with H. Nothing specific, just a gut feeling that something is off. Around the same time I found myself lurking on relationship threads on mumsnet.

Today morning, while searching something on his laptop, I came across several searches he made while in Brussels looking for prostitutes, strip clubs and massage parlours near his hotel. I confronted him and he dismissed me by saying that he was simply curious and it doesn't mean anything. He also blamed me for being interfering and wrecking his relaxed Sunday morning.

He says that it is just a regular guys thing and there is nothing unusual about him seeking this information.

H spends a disproportionate time watching online porn, even I would say, at the expense of our normal sex life. We have had several bitter arguments about this and he knows my views on this, but continues nevertheless.

Even on the eve of our anniversary (we had booked into a resort), when I was trying to have a special time with him, he sat away and continued to fiddle with his laptop.

He also has this habit of compulsively lying and can be very manipulative and sneaky when he wants to be. Every argument we have ends up in me apologising and making up even if I am the one who has been offended.

Please advise what I should do now? How do I establish whether he has been having sex with prostitues? Is my marriage over. I don't have any close friends and family in England and there is no one I can turn to.

Right now I am shaking all over and can't stop crying. And my H is in the other room accusing me of being melodramatic and spoiling our family time.

I just feel so alone. I don't even have enough money to book tickets and go back to my parent's home which is in another country. Please help!!!

OP posts:
Shmumty · 13/05/2012 12:27

I don't know whether he has been cheating but it seems clear that he is emotionally blackmailing you by telling you that you are spoiling his Sunday morning. You are not. You are trying to keep your family together and you are trying to work on your marriage that you know not in a very good state. Don't let him tell you otherwise, this is typical bullying behaviour. Virtual hugs... you'll get a lot of good advise here from the regulars, stay tuned.

Squitten · 13/05/2012 12:27

If I were you, yes my marriage would be over.

Not because of the possible prostitutes, not because of the porn - but because he sounds like a nasty man

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:27

i dont have much advice but will hold your hand until someone better comes along

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:28

Ahh...here they are!

catsareevil · 13/05/2012 12:29

I'm not sure if it makes any difference whether he has actually had sex with a prostitute.
Is the situation that you are in tolerable, regardless of what he does when away?

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:29

do you want to go home? even if it is just for a break with family support? can your parents pay? do you not have access to your dhs money/do you have joint bank account?

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:30

i dont think it is normal for men to look up prostitutes near their hotel, just out of interest btw Hmm

QueenofPlaids · 13/05/2012 12:33

I don't think searching for prostitutes is normal behaviour. It doesn't necessarily mean he used the information I suppose (giving the benefit of the doubt), but surely must've been contemplating it at least or else why search?

To be honest though, the fact he's openly prioritising watching porn when he knows it's making you unhappy would be a huge red flag for me.

From your OP he's bring extremely dismissive of your concerns so I doubt you'll get a straight answer from him.

Also re: 'his' family time. Have you pointed out to him that his excessive porn habit (addiction?) and online behaviour is also wrecking your relaxing family time or is he the only one who's entitled to that?

ImperialBlether · 13/05/2012 12:34

Do you want to stay with him? I wouldn't in your position as he sounds vile, to be perfectly frank, but you have to make your own decision. If you don't, then I'd take advantage of his next trip abroad to go away yourself. I'm assuming you're not from the UK - do you want to return to the country your parents are living in?

ImperialBlether · 13/05/2012 12:35

Do you have any access to his online accounts? From what you say it sounds as though he controls the finances altogether.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 12:35

My marriage would be over for several reasons you have described in your post

CaptainHetty · 13/05/2012 12:36

Didn't like being caught out, so tries to make you feel bad for mentioning it. He sounds like a pillock, to put it mildly.

I couldn't possibly say your H is cheating from what you've said, but if you've found enough to make you feel uneasy then as your husband he should be ready and willing to do anything to alleviate those fears, not make you feel like a melodramatic idiot for broaching the subject.

I don't believe searching for prostitutes is normal male behaviour for a man in a relationship, and if my partner had been doing so he'd be in more shit than you can shake a stick at.

Original poster
SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 12:37

bejeezus, that is my argument as well. Why would you seek such specific information (searching for prostitues near hotel's address) unless you had something in mind?

The situatiuon has become increasingly intolerable for me over the months. I just feel worthless and disconnected and very alone.

But every time I think of doing something drastic, I think about my DS and our finances and think maybe this is a phase that will pass.

I do have access to H's credit cards and online accounts but if I did use it to buy tickets etc. he will know.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 12:39

I think you should use that access to his accounts to find proof of dodgy behaviour

If, as it seems, you are willing to tolerate being treated like a piece of shit to keep your marriage together, hopefully if you find some tangible proof of cheating that will be the impetus for you to get shut of him

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:40

does it matter if he does know?

get packed-buy them last minute?

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:41

the longer you feel worthless disconnected and alone the harder you will find it to do something about it

JustFab · 13/05/2012 12:42

Well, my husband isn't a "regular" guy but he has never felt the need to look up prostitutes or massage palours. I am starting to think that it isn't so much the initial problem that is the issue but how your husband deals with it when you question him about it.

Only you can decide if your mnarriage is over but it doesn't sound a loving place to be at the moment.

fiventhree · 13/05/2012 12:46

I hope you get shut of him too.

A liar
A manipulator
Someone who disrespects you sexually
Someone who has checked out of your relationship
Someone who doesnt know how to apologise or take your hurt seriously
A likely user of prostitutes with very dodgy sexual tendencies.
Someone who does not want to change and doesnt even see the need to be ashamed of it, truth be told

If you get rid, then you will feel a whole heap better before long, and come to see that living with this kind of crap makes you feel worthless, and that it is nothing inherent in yourself.

Original poster
SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 12:47

Hmm... I think I will go through this accounts. But he carries company cash advances, several credit cards etc. so it is going to be a tough task.

Does anyone have any experience with Relate? There is one center close to my house. Will it help in any way in bringing issues out in the open?

I am not thinking straight right now and at this point, I don't think I would want to spend a minute more with my H.

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 13/05/2012 12:48

The fact that he thinks looking up prostitutes is 'normal' behaviour would concern me in itself - because it's not normal at all, no matter what he says

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 12:56

I wouldn't consider joint counselling with this man. He will use the sessions to continue to lie and manipulate you. Joint counselling would only work if he took full responsibilty for his wrong doing. Please don't go to Relate.

What I would recommend is individual counselling for you Not to equip you to live like this, but to equip you to understand that you deserve much, much better than this horrible relationship and this horrible man

ImperialBlether · 13/05/2012 12:58

You realise that if you break up with him you will immediately become better off? He might manipulate you into accepting he has complete control over the family's finances, but that's not how it works if you split up.

Are you British, OP? You say your parents live away - would you want to return? Is your husband from the same country as you?

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:59

OP are you using condoms? you should, if you cant be sure he isnt using prostitutes

Original poster
SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 13:00

Do your husbands watch porn? My H would often in the past want me to watch porn along with him.

But after a few times, I found it icky and very off putting. Not sexy at all.

And he has become increasingly obsessed with it, staying away at bed time in the living room watching porn, staying in the loo for 30-40 mins etc. Regular paid memberships in porn sites.

Is watching this much porn normal?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/05/2012 13:00

How come you have no access to money etc?

That is odd in itself unless as a couple you are financially struggling so there isn't any IYSWIM