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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my H cheating? Please help!

71 replies

SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 12:20

I have been married for 5 years and have a 3 years old DS. We moved to the UK 1.5 years back following H's transfer within his organisation. H works in international sales and tours 3-4 days a week. I am a SAHM right now.

For a long time now I am feeling disconnected with H. Nothing specific, just a gut feeling that something is off. Around the same time I found myself lurking on relationship threads on mumsnet.

Today morning, while searching something on his laptop, I came across several searches he made while in Brussels looking for prostitutes, strip clubs and massage parlours near his hotel. I confronted him and he dismissed me by saying that he was simply curious and it doesn't mean anything. He also blamed me for being interfering and wrecking his relaxed Sunday morning.

He says that it is just a regular guys thing and there is nothing unusual about him seeking this information.

H spends a disproportionate time watching online porn, even I would say, at the expense of our normal sex life. We have had several bitter arguments about this and he knows my views on this, but continues nevertheless.

Even on the eve of our anniversary (we had booked into a resort), when I was trying to have a special time with him, he sat away and continued to fiddle with his laptop.

He also has this habit of compulsively lying and can be very manipulative and sneaky when he wants to be. Every argument we have ends up in me apologising and making up even if I am the one who has been offended.

Please advise what I should do now? How do I establish whether he has been having sex with prostitues? Is my marriage over. I don't have any close friends and family in England and there is no one I can turn to.

Right now I am shaking all over and can't stop crying. And my H is in the other room accusing me of being melodramatic and spoiling our family time.

I just feel so alone. I don't even have enough money to book tickets and go back to my parent's home which is in another country. Please help!!!

OP posts:

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 13:04

there are different attitudes towards porn searchsquad- what is important is how you feel about porn

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 13:05

but no, my stbxh didnt/doesnt watch porn

Original poster

SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 13:05

No I am not British. And neither is my H. And if my marriage ends, I think I will have to back to my home country where I have better chances of getting a job.

Not sure about my parent's reactions and support TBH. I would be an outcast in my community if I got divorced - very tabboo and looked down upon.

And we haven't been using condoms.

OP posts:

Charbon · 13/05/2012 13:07

No my husband doesn't use porn and neither do I, but unfortunately lots of women are brainwashed into thinking that it's normal male behaviour and do they put up with it, despite the impact it is having on their relationships.

As you've found, it deprives you of a sex life and often leads a partner seeking real-life encounters with other women.

But to be honest, those behaviours are one of so many that you describe in your posts that would prevent me ever staying with a man like this.

I wouldn't go near Relate incidentally, but would support the suggestion that you get some private counselling with a therapist who understands abusive behaviour in relationships and who will support you in the decisions you need to make.

Charbon · 13/05/2012 13:08

so they put up with it.

Leverette · 13/05/2012 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 13:08

I have access to money, just that there isn't enough in my account. But I do have access to H's online accounts and credit cards.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 13:09

If i were you I would go to the STD clinic and insist on condoms (if you are even going to have sex with him)

if he were British, then I dont think it is as simple as you going back to your country with the dcs-he would have to agree i think

Is he the same nationality as you?

AutumnSummers · 13/05/2012 13:11

Is there anything you can do to get citizenship here? I am so sorry about all of this. It seems that your Husband is fully aware of the damage a divorce would do you and seems to think that this entitles him to walk over ou because you're in no position to challenge him.

This is heartbreaking.

Original poster

SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 13:12

We are both non British and of the same nationality. Just to think I was thinking of ttc our second child soon. Can not even contemplate that now.

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 13/05/2012 13:12

I would find a local solicitor (you can probably get a free initial consultation so there isn't a financial record). He can advise you how your rights here may be affected by your nationality. If you can separate and sue for divorce here you will probably get a better deal.
Sorry to worry you but mention of prostitutes is a big red flag. If he wants to continue sex with you, insist he uses condoms.

RandomMess · 13/05/2012 13:12

No that amount of is NOT normal

Sallyingforth · 13/05/2012 13:14

Crossposted with your last note. TTC is a big nono if you are not sure of his health status.

JustFab · 13/05/2012 13:14

My dh doesn't watch porn either.

It doesn't really matter if anyone looks down on you fro being divorced. They are being idiots if they do and not friends. You have done nothing wrong. I wonder if those who think you are crap for divorcing would love to do the same but daren't because of preceived predjucies.

Charbon · 13/05/2012 13:16

Does the community you belong to also frown on men paying for sex, using porn and abusing their partners? Wouldn't your own family frown on this behaviour and support you in getting away from it?

If not, although it would be much better for you to have support, try to see that it doesn't matter what other people think. They don't have to live in this marriage and their children don't have to be parented by this man.

arthriticfingers · 13/05/2012 13:24

No! Neither is thinking that actually looking into exploiting prostitutes, who are already in a vulnerable place.

Original poster

SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 13:25

Going to go and feed DS his lunch now. Thanks for all your support and advice. It is invaluable.

I am going to have to do some serious thinking and contemplate on what I really want to do.

I just feel torn and shaken by the fact that my marriage is so hollow and that everything may change now. I don't know if I am strong enough to walk away from my familiar, comfortable albeit unhappy life with H...

OP posts:

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 13:30

I have just done it...it is hard and i am wobbley

but if i can do it..you can

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 14:51

No, my husband doesn't use porn. Neither do I.

Some men do though, in small quantities that don't impact on their relationships. Hopefully they grow out of it when they settle into a respectful relationship and/or have families of their own. And the stuff they see in porn doesn't leak out into their RL relationships

This is not the case with your H...he has an obsession that is unhealthy and, frankly, sick.

the thing is, it isn't compulsory that you put up with it. If it is a dealbreaker for you (and it would be for me, coupled with all his other shocking behaviour towards you) then you don't have to justify it to yourself, nor to any one else

just because other women have no problem living with a selfish pornhound, doesn't mean you have to...those women are not happy, and nether are you

Paid sites probably mean he is going further than simply watching other people have sex, I am afraid. There is so much free porn on the web these days, no-one needs to "pay" unless they are paying for other services such as webcams and to make contact with "like minded people" or arrange encounters for illicit sex

I think there is very much more you need to discover about your H, and when you do, it is going to be devastating for you

you have posted before about this issue, haven't you

dondon33 · 13/05/2012 15:52

I would try and find out as much info as you can SS so that you have as many facts as possible, even if it hurts. I agree with anyfucker about the paid sites and that there will be much more for you to find out - sorry.

With an XP I got the names of the sites he was using (webcam,dating,porn) of course he denied before I turned detective devious bitch lol

Check his history, his bank statements if he subscribes, also his E-mails, You really need access to his E-mail to do this- go the sites you find- if you can't access using any passwords that you know he uses then click on the "forgot password" they send you a new one to his registered E-mail and bingo your in to see if/who he has contacted etc...print out anything that you find so that when you confront him and he denies it you have the proof. I know it's sneaky, invasion of privacy but in your situation what he is doing to you is much worse and you're not likely to find out otherwise.
Good luck

p.s.. Jestes w Polski? If yes, it was the "today morning" that made me think so, my DP uses it exactly the same way :)

QueenofPlaids · 13/05/2012 15:55

There are differing attitudes to porn and I am aware some couples watc it together (not my thing, but up to them).

I doubt even those who do that, or who are not bothered by their partner's occasional porn use would think it was normal to be hiding in the loo watching porn.

It really does sound like he has a problem, but that's not your problem. He's checked out of your relationship and is taking you for granted, as well as potentially putting you at risk if he did visit prostitutes.

You deserve better and unless he has a major wake-up call, it doesn't sound like you're going to get it in this relationship.

Servalan · 13/05/2012 16:41

From the information you give it sounds to me like sex addiction (please bear in mind I'm not an expert here - just that I know a few people who are self-confessed sex addicts - and much of what you're describing sounds like behaviour I have talked about with them). Sex addicts are often scared of intimacy and real-life emotional connection. Engaging with porn sites to the detriment of opportunities to interact with a loving real-life partner seems to be in keeping with this.

It is not something that you can sort out for him though unfortunately - he needs to own up to the problem and face it before he can tackle it, and it doesn't sound as if he is anywhere near doing that.

From what you say, he sounds manipulative and cruel. I really feel for you. I don't know whether he has been sleeping with prostitutes or whether it was just curiosity. Either scenario could be the case. I don't think that searching for prostitutes near his hotel is common male behaviour (at least I hope it's not!)

Lots of men use porn and there are differing views about how acceptable porn is, but it does sound as if he is spending a disproportionate amount of time looking at it, and since it is having a direct impact on you and your family life, it is a very real concern. However much he dismisses it, it is something you have every right to be upset about.

Look after yourself

Original poster

SearchSquad · 13/05/2012 19:56

You all were correct. After only minutes of snooping on his laptop, I have found that he is registered on an adult friend finder website. I feel sick already and do not wish to uncover any more sordid details (and getting hold of his laptop is also tricky). I just want to turn back time and go back to when I did not know any of this.

And all this is when I consider myself to be a fairly attractive woman with a healthy sexual appetite. I am not a prude and I have been open to sexual experimentation within the boundaries of a loving relationship. The only thing I ever objected to was porn because I found it distasteful, though I have no objections to a well directed love making scene in a movie.

I really can't figure out what more he wanted out of me that he had to turn to all of this.

OP posts:

GoPoldark · 13/05/2012 20:04

First thing, 'your H's online accounts' are YOUR accounts too. You are married with a child which YOU STAY HOME WITH so that he can go out and earn the family money. It's as much yours as his.

So my first intention would be to, when/if you leave, to transfer exactly half of what is in all of them into your account.

Secondly -

No, it isn't normal to look up prostitutes, much less use them - it is foul and disgusting

No, it isn't normal to be dependant on porn

And it isn't particularly nice to be a nasty piece of work who manipulates and bullies his wife into accepting his shitty behaviour.

I'd leave, he sounds horrid. Remember what I said about the money...

MadAboutHotChoc · 13/05/2012 20:05

Please remember its not your fault or about what you are not giving him.

Men like him have issues that they think can be resolved by doing those vile things.

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