Please help, is my marriage over?

[HoneyNutLoop]

I've been married for nearly 9 years.
We have two children, 6 and 3 1/2.
We live overseas in an expat unfriendly country.
It's always been hard, very hard.
I've stuck it through.
I don't want my babies to loose their daddy, I want my marriage to work but I have no idea what to do next :(

We have a lot of pressures right now. Well we always have.

When we first got married he was overseas studying, I was in uk...we had fun, he made me laugh. He was kind and he made me feel valued.

Then he got a job in London, I was still in Manchester, we made it work by me driving to London most weekends, he was too tired to come up north...I got sick of it, I wanted a real relationship, was about to call it off but found out I was pregnant...

He relocated to manc, bought a small house, baby came, it was hard but we were happy (mostly).

We were struggling financially, he wanted to relocate to Saudi, I didn't, but we did. Said we'd try it for 6 months. Meant living with his fam, it was meant to be tempory but it wasn't and it was hell.

3 months overseas and I fell pregnant again, it was hard...made finances tougher...I couldn't work...ended up staying with his fam for nearly 3 years, was hell, but then I got a job and got us out. Noone speaks now, it was that bad.

Now I work, he works, the house is linked to my job, if I leave my job we loose the house. My job is hell, added responsibilities, no extra pay, no recognition from management. I want to leave, I have done for over a year, but I feel stuck.

He wants me to leave but won't help find a solution, instead he just screams at me to quit and says he doesn't want to discuss my job because it stresses him out too much. I need a friend.

Saudi is lonely, I can't drive so lots falls on him, he works long hours, he is tired. However he has friends he has relative freedom, I have no outlet. A miserable job, few friends, no freedom, I feel trapped.

I have never said no to him, I have always wanted to support him in fulfilling his dreams for fear that he will resent me....but it feels that in doing that he has taken more and more and I have been lost...now I hate to say it but I resent him.

In an effort to change our situation he set up a business in the uk in jan, the plan was for me to stay in Saudi alone for 2 years...yes I know, but I wanted to support the dream and if that was what it took...anyway it collapsed, he's back working here.

He's stressed he's tired, but so am I. He is never home and when he is he is screaming at me and the kids or asleep.

He does try, he loves the kids, but his anger, it's disproportionate and do hard to listen to, it's tiring and scary, and I just want peace.

I don't feel like he's my friend anymore, I feel bullied...it seems like the only time he is kind is when he wants sex, and that's direct and to the point and I feel groped...sex for me is emotional. I can't be screamed at, unsupported, watch my kids be screamed at, then put out. Then he gets mad and sulky that there's no sex and it all gets worse.

I have no idea what to do next, should I quit my job? Can I trust him to follow through on the promises of finding a house, should I just cut my losses and head home?

I have no family in the uk, my mum died when I was young and it's a mess. I feel so alone. I feel like I have given him everything and now I am the enemy.

He blames everyone and everything for our situation, I just want to make the most of what it is...

My kids see the arguements, he said to my son the other day that he was going to divorce mummy. It's not right.

I have no idea what to do anymore...should I just shut my mouth and take it? I did for years but that turned me into a doormat but when I fight back and say what I think it just gets worse.

I know he loves the kids, I know he is frustrated, I know he tries, but the anger...it's exhausting...he's lovely to his friends, always there for them...just wish he would be there for us too.

I don't want my marriage to be over but I think it might be, I have no idea what to do next...

Sorry that's so long isn't it?!

Wow. There is a lot going on! Of you quit your job, can you afford to get somewhere else to live on his wage? Or will you have to move back in with his family. Or not if they aren't speaking to you!

Will you be able to get another job? Do you want to stay out there?

It doesn't sound like you don't like him, I might be wrong, more like you have found yourself in a situation where you don't know where to turn. Do you want to be with him?

Can you build on your friendships so that you can have more fun/freedom. I sometimes find it quite hard work.

Shit, I have to go and get dd from a birthday party!

When you say his family are in Saudi, is that because that's where he's from? Because that could make it difficult if you want to leave with your children.

I think that point is very relevant to any advice anyone can give you.

Do you think all of the marriage problems stem from the fact that you are not happy in Saudi and he feels that you complain all the time and blame him for making you go there? If he is going to go to the UK to start a business why would he leave you behind for 2 years if you are the one who doesn't want to be in Saudi in the first place?

Wow, you are in a pickle aren't you. Can you get some legal advice as to what would happen if you did separate/divorce?

It sounds like you're in a very abusive relationship, so to me it's a no-brainer to end it. It's just a case of how you do it to minimise damage to your children, and also to make sure that you don't get stuck in a situation where someone else (DH, his family or the Saudi government) has control over you and the DCs that wouldn't be acceptable in this country.

Savoy, thanks so much for replying. Hope dd enjoyed the party :)

To be honest, right now I'm not so fond of him and haven't been for a while. I still love him, but more the he, he was, and the he he is with the kids on a good day! Seems like such a long time since we laughed :(

There's issues with me quitting, visa's, money, housing...this place is bloody complicated.

Theoretically we could afford a place, but the fear is his procrastination, that's what happened before and why we were stuck for so long...I can live in one room to keep us together (for the kids) but he has an expectation of a standard of living that if he can't attain he seems to give up. I wish he'd just live in the real world, and be happy for what we have.

I am so tired of threats and control, I want to work at it but I can't do that alone.

I have friends, a few, it's tough here, can't just get in car and see folk. Feels like everything relies on him...sure i could book a limo, but the cost, and well I feel like I should save money. The friends I do have have alot they want to say to my husband, but well they know he won't listen!

Quite a lot of what you said was very similar to ex and me.

Except I am living in my own country in Europe. Not Saudi...
And he had no friends and didn't work

As it was, at some point I was becoming more detached because I was really falling out of love with him.
He became violent when his pressure, sulking, etc stopped working.

I couldn't bring myself to leave the first time, only the second.

This brings me to the advice part.
Be very careful on what you want to do.
You know you are in a very vulnerable position.

He might not care that much for the children, but his mother will.

Plus the law there and effective practices, and the fact that you have no family, will make it very difficult to protect you.

If you think it's over and nothing can be done, make sure you get yourself and the children to the uk or even another country first.

Of course it could all be circumstances, but he was already showing his selfishness when you were dating, and he managed to get you in his country. Where he wanted you. For a reason.

Perhaps I am being pessimistic, but can you and the children afford the risk?

His anger is not even only directed at you but at the children too.

Can you tell him that you want to go back to the uk for a holiday and then stay there?

It's a fecking nightmare being abroad and then wanting to go back as its just not that easy. Do you have any friends you could stay with in the uk while you get in your feet. Or could you start applying for jobs from there?

Guys thank you, you raise very relevant concerns about the kids...he's not Saudi, but he is Arab (ish) he considers himself a brit. He's got British and Egyptian nationality, born in uk, moved to ksa at 4, back to uk for boarding school, uni etc...I really don't think he would try to take the kids, he loves them and he knows they need mummy, to be honest, I think it is the location and the situation that's making us both crazy.
Is it abusive? Sometimes I feel it is, sometimes I think it's the situation and the amount of stress.

Hilly, maybe I do complain too much but I don't try to and it has to be said he complains more...he is constantly ranting about this place, which is so tiring to hear when I feel like he brought us here. He hates it too and wants out...the reason why he asked me to stay was visa's this place has crazy legislature, you have to pay to come in (normal), pay to leave (not so normal! And be sponsored...the work visa comes with a lot of red tape...he wanted me to stay so if things don't work out back home it's easier for him to get back in, he was gonna be 6 months uk six months ksa, year 1, then uk till he got deposit for house then I'd go back...it was a ludicrous idea especially as i was alteady miserable, and didn't work out, he was gutted...I didn't want to let te team down which is why I agreed.
Lueji...I'm sorry you've had such a hard time...I don't honestly think he wanted to get me here, it was what he thought was right for his career at the time...there is no manipulation to get me away fro
My homeland or anything like that...6 months ago he wanted me to be happy, but this year it's gone from hard to harder...I think he feels useless, but he's taking it out on the wrong people.
I feel useless too, I want to support him but I need to be supported too and right now it feels like he's either avoiding me or screaming at me then blowing up at the kids.
He's always been a hot head, and sometimes the things he says or the way he reacts to me and the kids I think that's it, line way crossed, but then I always chicken out...I want it to work for the kids, I want it to work for me but I have no idea how to make him happy, other than to shut up and keep everyone quiet.

Bloody hell Honey, I'd be complaining too if I were you!! Your life sounds so miserable and hard - that is horribly unfair and you shouldn't have to live like this.

Your dh sounds pretty awful - I'm sorry, I don't mean to make things worse.

He shouts at you and kids to the point where you are walking on eggshells and desperately trying to please him and not anger him, everything but everything is for him and about him, he does not seem to notice or care about the deep level of unhappiness you are feeling.

I agree with others to be very careful about your next move.

I would absolutley get legal advice asap.

Proudnscary...thank you...but that's the thing, I genuinely don't know anymore if he does care or not...I know he would like to be able to provide better and take the pressure off me, but life is what it is...I could deal better if I felt appreciated for what I do, what I've sacrificed, instead of being the enemy and the outlet for his frustrations...part of me feels like he cares but he's frustrated and doesn't know what to do...but then the other part feels that he doesn't care at all, cos if he did it wouldn't be me making excuses and forgiving and forgetting all the time...he would see what the years have done to me, and why I have let it happen ( for his dreams and the kids) and he would stop and say thank you, listen and care and support instead of screaming and storming off...be there for me and work at the relationship instead of aleays being in a meeting, on an errand or supporting friends who 'need' him, maybe I ask too much if him, he does work hard.

I have no money, no family appart from a retired step dad, my friends have kids and their own probs, no space for three extra's...I have no choice but to believe he cares and make this work. I can stay with my step dad but would still be reliant on husband for money. Why oh why do I keep putting myself in these situations, and now kids too...I'm an idiot! I'm letting myself and my babies down.

Honey that is an awful situation to be in :(
Which city are you in? Are you living in an expat friendly compound? Do you speak any Arabic at all? Sorry for all the questions, but different cities have very different 'cultural norms' & I think that feeling isolated is compounding your situation. If you are in a city that has a large expat community you can be part of, it may help...

Fwiw, I think you best bet is to:

1. establish WHY he is so upset all the time
2. Make him realize that he is taking it out on you and the kids
3. remind him that you are a team & can sort things out but you have to do it together

I wish you all the luck in the world!

and I don't think you ask too much of your DH, you're working hard too! It sounds like time to sit down and have a calm discussion with him...good luck & I agree with everyone else who suggested that you get legal advice...speak to the British embassy/consulate...they are bound to have some form of legal advice service for cases like yours...

Oh bloody hell the old 'but he works so hard'.

Listen, I work incredibly hard in a stressful but well paid job.

Does that make me scream at my dh and dc? No. Do I think my dh should pander to my every mood because I am tired? No. Do I think because I earn the bucks, he should be eternally grateful and put up and shut up? NO WAY.

Your dh's attitudes and behaviour is fucked up.

What would happen if you went out for dinner or whatever and you told him how you feel? Do you think he would listen, really listen and really care?

are fucked up (my grammar is clearly fucked up too!)

Well said Proudnscary!

Whatever you decide to do, I would quietly open your own bank account and start making payments into it from your wage...the.idea being that you build up a nest egg to support you if you want to leave.
If you want to leave you can make it happen.
Think of your and your children's future happiness.... will you and them be happy of you carry on living in this situation?

Proudnscary your name suits you :) well said...fab, thanks for the good advise!

If we went to dinner and discussed the situation, no, you're right he wouldn't listen...he never listens, he's always right...he listens for a while, then back we go...

I phoned him, told him I would resign, that's what he wants, I thought he'd be happy but no, no support, no promises we'll even try to make it work...maybe it's a mistake, if I resign I have to leave the country, the kids don't, they're on his visa and can't leave without his permission...am I making a mistake? I don't know...I don't think that's his plan...he said last week that we'll try to transfer visa's and I'll try to get another job...but now when you are all telling me to get legal advice I'm starting to get paranoid...maybe I should speak to the embassy first. But if I don't resign things will be worse...he loves his kids I can't imagine he'd take them off me...does he hate me that much or is this just stress?

Honey, I'd speak to the embasssy before you resign...stress does funny things to people, so I can't comment on it being the reason for his behaviour or not. However, I wouldn't make a move like resigning until you have a fully formulated plan(how long you have until u need to leave, will he be coming with you, etc). It's not paranoid to want to stay with your DC and take all the steps necessary to make sure that happens...

Get the kids on your visa, or whatever paperwork you need to be able to bring them with you if you leave, please do not leave them

I would NEVER leave my kids, everything I have done has been try and give them a stable family life, some of it has blown up in my face, but all I have done and all I do is for them.

I can't transfer them onto my visa, that are always on dads here... I cant imagine he would take them from me, he knows they need mum, besides he wouldn't know where to start with them lol! But you know what I have always done that, trusted people then ended up being bitten because of it, and I can't take that risk with my babies...

I have tried to call embassy this afternoon but no answer, guess its a morning job...I have not yet resigned, I have called my s. dad to check I can stay there, he's fine. I have also tried to find out fro
Husband what it is he wants but he's in a meeting, and says its not a good time to talk, guess that means its over, easy to say its okay right, not so easy to say yup, I can't be bothered anymore!

I'm sick of crying, sick of being sad, sick of being weak...I just want some happiness and stability for kids and I.

It does seem a complicated situation and as others said, do not resign without a plan or leave the children.
Do take legal advice.
Do nothing in a rush.

What is the situation with the ILs? Who is not speaking to whom?
Did you leave their house because you wanted to, or was he fully on board?

He says he wants to to resign, but he gives no alternative. Would that mean you leaving the country?
Or just moving back to ILs?
I may be wrong, but that sounds like a plan...

He may well have wanted to fall in line with the woman's traditional role and his family may be putting pressure on him.

Please do not assume that he thinks the children should not be without their mum.
So far you have been doing everything he wants. What will happen when you stop?

You will have to be very strong until you are in a surer footing.
Hugs.

Embassies are always morning jobs, call them every twenty minutes from the second they open until u get through...In the meanwhile, please don't think you are weak..you are doing the best you can for you and your family...it will be interesting to hear what he says when he gets back home from work...my thoughts are with you...