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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do i deal with this?

19 replies

SleepyDopeyGrumpy · 10/05/2012 21:09

Dp has a best friend who he hangs out with at his place every Thursday evening.

This best friend is female.

This best friend used to be intimate with him on a F* buddy basis as recently as the end of last year.

I have not met this best friend nor has any move been made to make that happen.

Dp swears nothing would happen with Bf while he is in a relationship with me (recent) but i have a hard time trusting people and when he is with her my mind goes mad with jealousy, especially is he isn't texting me regularly.

How do i get a grip? I dont want to fuck this relationship up but there are mental issues with him which could make impulsive behaviour happen with regards to said friend despite his protests that it wouldn't, i sincerely believe him that he wouldn't do it in his right mind but who knows?

Everything apart from this is great and im not about to demand he stops seeing her as i know if it came down to that he would not choose me as i am only a new partner but i wouldn't expect to have to ask someone to do that either. he doesn't seem to understand why all of this bothers me and i dont know what to do any more i feel like its going to drive me insane :-(

OP posts:

KlickKlackknobsac · 10/05/2012 21:13

Of course you feel threatened.
Its weird.
Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed.
Why can't you be her firend as well if its just 'friends?'
No- not worth it- ask him to stop seeing her or include - if not its better to be single.

KlickKlackknobsac · 10/05/2012 21:13

*or include you.

sandyboots · 10/05/2012 21:15

oh dear are you sure this relationship is what you want OP?
it doesn't sound like it's making you feel valued/cherished
how long have you been seeing him?

squeakytoy · 10/05/2012 21:17

Sounds odd to me.. and I wouldnt put up with it either.

Someone in the throes of a new relationship would not be hooking up with a (allegedly former) fuck buddy.... best friend .. um yeah right...

I have no problems with males have female mates, or females having male mates, but if it is your best friend, you introduce them to your partner.

Annielove · 10/05/2012 21:18

I think it will drive you insane eventually, i think maybe you should explain to Bf that it bothers you and that you would like to meet her at some point. The trouble is if you ever row you will think he will go running to her. Really hard one. Or you could accept the situation at present but let him know that any hint he is messing about it's over. I don't know any women that wouldn't struggle with this one !!!

Original poster

SleepyDopeyGrumpy · 10/05/2012 21:20

Ive been seeing him a month.
She is his best friend part of his support network regarding the mental health issues i mentioned and its hard for me to include myself as its always a Thursday and i find it hard to get to his place and back so that would be an issue. Not to mention if i included myself then he would think i definitely dont trust him which i really want to do. Ahhh its so hard :-S

OP posts:

KlickKlackknobsac · 10/05/2012 21:20

If you are upset, tell him why- its pure jealousy and very natural esp considering they were F**kbuddies.
If he cannot understand this and change, then he can't care too much about your feelings.
Honestly- just ask him if you can come along. If SHE doesn't want you there then that says a lot.
I would understand if he was seeing a male friend- you wouldn't want to go and would be bored.
We all understand how you feel.
What about his mental issues- is he schizophrenic (trying to understand what would cause him to shag someone when not ih right mind apart from being a bloke tosser)

Original poster

SleepyDopeyGrumpy · 10/05/2012 21:23

He has Borderline Personality Disorder and impulsiveness is a symptom of that but he swears he has never acted out sexually with it.

Its not like i can go over every week and sit with them im sure they wouldn't like it because they must talk about private things that include me too but how much space am i supposed to give them without being taken for a fool?

OP posts:

Bumblefeck · 10/05/2012 21:23

There is nothing odd having a BF of the opposite sex, even one you have slept with in the past IMO

However, if you are feeling excluded then you need to tell him. Have you met any of his other friends yet? If he is keeping you away from her specifically then I would say you have a problem.

Tell him that you want to meet his best friend, as she is obviously a big part of his life, see what his reaction is and go from there

KlickKlackknobsac · 10/05/2012 21:23

Of course you don't trust him- he is seeing his fuckbuddy- by definition a no string attached sexual relationship that can presumably be 'reingnited' at any time as 'they are not in a relationship'.

Why was she a fuckbuddy and you're not? That is the only possible chink of light in all of this.
Its completely normal not to trust him- you have been seeing him less than 6 months? Its takes a while to earn trust.

KlickKlackknobsac · 10/05/2012 21:26

Something my mum said- 'to keep a relationship alive you have to be best friends as well as lovers and workmates'

He needs to be talking to you.
My mum and Dad have been married 60 years and my Dad has been in a whellchair for the last 20 of that.

Original poster

SleepyDopeyGrumpy · 10/05/2012 21:27

i have already said i would like to meet her but he just says he will mention it to her. I looked at her profile once to see what she looked like and then when i mentioned it to him and he told her she blocked me so i couldn't view it again which to me stinks of possessiveness as it had pictures of him all over it.

I think Thats what im majorly afraid of. She has known him for a long time and he belongs to her more than me and if she doesn't want me in the middle of them then he wont want to upset her and risk his support network like that. Its all fucked up :-(

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 10/05/2012 21:27

He's not your 'P' yet OP. You've been together but a few weeks. It's not surprising you haven't met all his friends yet. How many dates have you been on? 10?

Now is not the time to start panicking. Relax a bit.

CurrySpice · 10/05/2012 21:29

Why does he need to be confiding only in the OP Klick? They have only been an item for 4 weeks. Give the guy a chance!! They hardly know each other yet!!

KlickKlackknobsac · 10/05/2012 21:30

Fair point too curry- but I would be the same. He is mad to tell you she blocked you.
Ask why she was fbuddy and you're not. She was mentally ill too?

Xales · 10/05/2012 21:30

Blimey

If you are in this state over 4 weeks I think you need to knock it on the head and walk away.

Original poster

SleepyDopeyGrumpy · 10/05/2012 21:32

I know it seems like such a short time and it is. The whole relationship has been really intense and it feels like a lot longer but this is why im asking these questions today because it is the one thing stopping me from thinking that this could lead somewhere.

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 10/05/2012 21:35

Yes. Intense. That's the word. You need to lighten up a bit I think OP. It is incredibly early days

TBH if I were a long time friend and I found out a girlfriend of a fortnight that I had never met had stalked looked me up on FB, I'd be a bit freaked. Maybe she blocked you because she has personal stuff on there that she doesn't want complete strangers everyone seeing.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/05/2012 21:46

How do you deal with this?

You do some hard soul-searching to work out why you are so passionately attached in a relationship that is making you miserable only 4 weeks in, with a man who does not care about your feelings or consider them important.

Why, Sleepy?
Why is it OK for your feelings to be trampled on like this?

Why is it so intense so soon?
Why is your main concern only four weeks in about wanting to know that this could lead somewhere?
Why the intense attachment to a man so clearly unavailable and lacking in empathy?

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