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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friends dh has cheated on her. Wwyd?

20 replies

Giraffebag · 10/05/2012 12:53

friends dh has form shall we say.

Been caught for def once by friend but has many more question marks hanging over his head.

He has cheated on her again, know this 100% as the other male involved ( threesome!) let it slip.

I know people will say it's not my business, I KNOW this but she is pg (was pg when he cheated and still pg) so there is the added risk of sti to the baby as well as her.

Wwyd? I wish I could not know this but to late now! Would you want your friend to tell you? How would you feel if you were not told but found out at a later date your friend knew?

What a mess, I care deeply for her and don't know what to do!

OP posts:

fabulousdarling · 10/05/2012 12:54

I'd expect any friend of mine to tell me. Come what may.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/05/2012 13:18

If she's a good friend then you probably ought to tell her. However, if she's already let it go once, don't be surprised if you get a hostile reaction.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 10/05/2012 13:21

I'd want to know.

notoriginal · 10/05/2012 13:24

I'd let her partner know you and and give him the opportunity to come clean. If he doesn't then I would tell her. Adds to the pain knowing friends knew and never told you.

QueenieLovesEels · 10/05/2012 13:26

Is there any way you could ask this other man to confirm it to her so she can't go into denial?

The fact she is pregnant and both her and her unborn child could be put at risk by this man's behaviour would probably tip the balance for me.

You could start the conversation by asking her if they have an open relationship and go from there.

Bucharest · 10/05/2012 13:26

Tell her. What she chooses to do with the info is up to her.

bleedingheart · 10/05/2012 13:33

I would tell her but expect that she might not believe me or might push me away. I couldn't keep this from her, especially as she might be at risk of an STI. I don't envy you :(

Original poster

Giraffebag · 10/05/2012 15:40

What are the risks most likely when pg if you catch a STD? I know the obvious ones like HIV but that is not very common. Could chlamydia etc be any harm? Do you even get tested for that when pg?

Sorry for all the questions, I just think I am letting my anger take over a bit and even though I would want to know I am 99.9% sure she would forgive him so what's the point of causing her all this pain ( unless there is a serious risk to baby)

OP posts:

ChaoticismyLife · 10/05/2012 18:44

I'd want to know. I'd also question a friendship if I found out a friend knew and hadn't told me.

Wrt STI and pregnancy this site may help.

I got it by googling, someone else may be able to help more from a knowledge pov.

PillarBoxRedRoses · 10/05/2012 18:56

Chlamydia can be incredibly harmful.

I would urge you to tell her H that if he doesn't tell her, you will. I might be in 2 minds about it myself if she were not pregnant, but there is a very real and serious risk to an unborn child here.

gafhyb · 10/05/2012 19:09

I would want to know, and therefore, I'd tell.

oikopolis · 10/05/2012 19:15

syphilis can seriously harm babies en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syphilis#Congenital

oikopolis · 10/05/2012 19:17

and the clap can cause neonatal eye infection en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ophthalmia_neonatorum

basically you really have to tell her.
this isn't even an affair, it's group sexual activity and therefore even more high risk than the average sexual encounter

poor woman.

fabulousdarling · 10/05/2012 19:34

Sometimes the truth hurts. That doesn't mean you shouldn't tell someone the truth. And the truth in your friends case is that she's living with a downright dirty cheat for a husband, who uses her pregnancy as green light to shag other women a la carte. He doesn't give a damn about possible repercussions to his unborn child.

Your friend forgave him in the past. Give her a chance to right that mistake and find another decent man. She has the right to make a choice even if she makes the wrong one a second time.

And if she cuts you off, or takes it out on you, your conscience is clear and I guarantee that one day she'll see that you were looking out for her.

If you don't say anything, it means you're willing to stand back and watch your friend being disrespected not just by her husband but other people. Would you tell your friend if you heard there were other people spreading untrue rumours about her behind her back? Probably yes. Same principle applies.

Having said all that it will take courage to say anything. I would find it pretty daunting a prospect too.

DialsMavis · 10/05/2012 20:40

She has to know, it might ruin your friendship (hopefully not). but if you care about her then you should tell her. Normally I would agree with giving the H a chance to tell her, but he sounds fucking awful. My ex cheated on me when DS was a young baby (numerous times as it turned out), I have never really forgiven the people who knew but didn't tell me. I don't hate them or anything, it was years ago, but they did cease to be close friends

Mobly · 10/05/2012 20:44

I would 100% Certain tell her... No matter how awkward & upsetting. Just tell her you love her & care about her & this us what you have heard. Then offer her support.

I would be gutted if I were in her shoes & you didn't tell me.

SarkyWench · 10/05/2012 20:49

Tell her.

But be really careful to only ever say exactly what you know for certain (eg X has said to me that Y happened)

Your role is just to pass on the info that you have and then help her deal with it.

That way if she chooses to not believe what the other person has said you can still be there to support her.

dondon33 · 10/05/2012 21:15

I'd tell the husband that you know and you will tell her if he doesn't. I wouldn't mention the fact you are worried about STI's as the lying, pathetic excuse for a man will probably try to convince you he definitely used protection and other bollox to stop you or delay telling her. It's not a great time to do it but she needs to know asap for the baby.
It's possible you will be the bad guy and could lose her friendship but at least you know you done the right thing.
I don't envy you Giraffe, good luck.

oikopolis · 10/05/2012 21:19

tbh i wouldn't talk to the husband at all.

he's not going to be honest with her. he'll lie about contraception etc in order to minimise the fallout for himself. he just will, it's what people like this do.

this is actually an emergency situation because of the baby OP. every time your friend has sex with her H after he's had this encounter, she's unknowingly putting her baby at more and more risk of an STI.

she needs to know asap and i wouldn't rely on Mr Knobhead to tell her. i think you need to do it, and fast tbh.

BlooMoon · 11/05/2012 09:37

Horrible horrible situation. Your poor friend.

My H also put our unborn child at risk of an STI.

Google "ophthalmia neonatorum" and then you will know why you have to tell her. If you really really can't bear to tell her yourself, find out who her midwife is.

Good luck

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