Not sure what to do now

[Lemongoo]

I have name changed for this, but will probably delete thread after a while,a s dh knows I am on here a lot, and would not like me posting personal info, despite the name change!
I don't know what to do, and haven't spoken to anybody in rl apart from dh about this.
It has become clear he wants to leave. He said so. He first said so a couple of weeks ago, but I think he must have felt guilty, because last week he implied that we would give it another shot. I assumed this was the case until yesterday, when he announced again that he did not want to be married any more, he does not like being responsible for me and my happiness, he needs to get out of the small town we live in as he hates it.
I thought this might be coming, he has been doing a lot of staying out drinking until 4/5am turning his phone off, knowing I am waiting for him (the last time I spoke to him at 11pm, he said he would finish his drink and come home with a bag of chips for us, he turned of his phone and went to a mutual friends house and rolled in at 4.45 - when I was up waiting for him. I tried to ignore and sleep, but I can't. I get all worked up)
We argue a bit. Money is tight whilst he re-trains and I am at home with dc. We may have grown apart a little, because we are both busy, but I was sure we could get back on track, but he has no desire to.
It makes me feel so sad. EVerything I thought my life would be has ended. All the things I was looking forward to have turned to shit. Even family walks seem empty and incomplete.
The real thing that is getting to me is he still wants to live here until he has retrained (one more year), he still wants to come on family days out (I said I would get a smaller car and he kicked up a fuss about wanting to come out for family days out still) and he still wants to come on holidays. He still calls me darling. DH says this is because it is a hard habit to break.
How do I procede from here? How am I supposed to get over him, when most of the time he acts as though nothing has happened apart from the odd massive row/tears adn him reminding me that he wants to leave.
WHat about the dc? Poor things. How are we supposed to tell them.
Do we tell them all the time he is still at home?
Sorry - it is such a long rant. I have probably missed loads of stuff out, I am just emptying my brain. I feel like its going to explode. I jsut feel so sad.

He's shagging somone else and wants to have his cake and eat it. He either wants to be part of a happy family with you or he doesn't. It's that simple.
So sorry pure going throguh this but you need to get angry

Oh dear! So sorry you are going through this.
The first thing I would say is take back control of this.
He has got no right to treat you like this. He can't say he wants out but still wants to live with you? If he wants out of your marriage then he needs to leave. Why should you cook and clean for him and do his dirty washing if you aren't together?
Tell him if he wants to split he needs to sort out somewhere to live, you need to sort out finances and you need to be given the chance to get your head round it all and move on.
It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it.
Don't let him.
I hate to be the one to ask this - but do you think there may be someone else?

SPB - X posts - but you used less words!!!

X post but we are both saying exactly rthe same thing! Op its so clear when you're not stuck in the middle of it all.

Oh stop it, no you stop it etc etc :)

He sounds just like DP, a complete selfish pig! He says it's our relationship that isn't working, but the truth is, if you don't invest in a relationship it won't work. I'm trying to give him an incentive to try by a) being happy in myself b) making sure I feel attractive c) making sure DP is taking his equal share of responsibility when it comes to the children.
He is being a misery and will no doubt be a misery without you, you have the power to make yourself happy. Work out how to use him wanting to split to your advantage e.g. getting a day off at the weekend.
If you did split make sure he knows he'd be responsible for his children 50% of the time. I bet he thinks he can do as he pleases and then have a bit of fun on the odd weekend. How nice for him! Let him know this will not be the case.
If there is a chance you might get back together try to be logical and blase about arrangements with him. Don't expect him to be loving towards you, you will be disappointed - it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just doesn't feel in love at the minute and thinks that's how he'll always feel. The moment you start to feel happier in yourself he will realise what an idiot he's been.

At least that's my tactic with DP just now. Working to a point, family events help.

He says he has no interest in other women, as I have done his head in. He wouldn't want another wife/girlfriend/whatever

everytime I feel a bit sad, he moans that I am turning it into being about me.

He sounds vile! He is treating you with absolutely no respect and you are letting him! You should be the one booting him out the door.
Your life won't be over - it will be better by the sound of it.

I used to be very feisty. I sound a bit pathetic now, don't I

No you sound sad and downtrodden. Understandably :(

Well it sounds to me that he'll have to forgo the training for now and get a job so he can help support your children. He has moved the goalposts, yet he expects to be able to carry on as before? What a prize jerk.

As for being scathing about cheating behaviour, it always amazes me that those people spouting about it being immoral, ie making a very loud noise about their dislike of it, are often cheats themselves. Generalisation I know, but still, be careful.

It sounds from the tone of your posts that although you are tired of living like this, you still want it to work? But it doesn't sound like it's up to you-it sounds like he thinks he can do as he pleases and you will let him. Is he right? If he is, things will never change and you will have this headfuck forever.

You need to grab a bit of the power back. You gave up your job for this unreliable entitled fool!

If he wants to leave, let him. Go and see a solicitor quickly, so you are fully informed about your rights.

I don't let him do whatever he wants exactly. I let him know when I don't like something. I also expect to be able to do stuff that I want to do (and although I do sometimes it is surprising how often my plans fall through, yet his do not. His often require that he stays at a friends house over night too, a luxury I never have).
Anyway, I want him to want to be in with me watching films or whatever, I don't want to have him at home wishing he was doing something else. I thought I was quite generous with not moaning about his whereabouts. Everytime he goes out he is home at least 2 hours later than he says. Has been known to not come home at all. Most week he stays over night at his brothers one night. His brother has a health condition, so dh likes to check in on him. Dh puts the drinking binges down to the death of his mother and difficult childhood.

Weirdly he has arranged some friends to come over for supper tonight. It's going to be weird.

I really do not want him to give up his training. It is his dream, he has made it most of the way through and is great at what he does. If is means he has to live here, so be it, but I am SURE there MUST be a way for him to move out. Rents are stupid 'round here though.

I feel really guilty writing it all down here. Dh would be most upset if he found out I was talking about him like this.

Perhaps I am projecting , but everything you describe about his behaviour-the late nights, the staying over, turning off his phone, and doing all of this knowing you are expecting him back, plus the still having sex, well that was my dp when he cheated on me. I didn't want to believe it, but it was true.

Listen to your gut, you say it's surprising how often your plans fall through, yet his do not. Damn right they don't-his plans are more important to him than you and the children.

As for his dreams, you are too kind-what about your dreams that he's currently stamping all over?

My alarm bells are ringing for you!!!
Could it be that he has met someone else or someone else has shown interest in him and although he hasn't done anything physical yet, the thought is there.
He doesn't agree with affairs, so by ending your marriage it will leave him a 'single man', therefore leaving him with a clear conscience. He has paved the way for him to carry on his training, keeping you on the back burner, while still being able to go about being 'single'.
Apologies if I am sounding cynical and I don't want to put ideas in your head, but I have seen this scenario so many times.

Why would you feel any sense of disloyalty to someone who treats you so utterly disrespectfully? That sentiment to my mind speaks of someone who has a controlling partner.

With respect to his accommodation-it is not your concern. He is an adult and can sort his mess out for himself. You will have enough to deal with.

His expectation of just living together but split is unreasonable. It is also controlling. Don't be used.

This man has really eroded your sense of worth by the sound of it.

He sounds like he has arrested development.

Have to pop off now as I have some bits to do in town before I pick the dc up from school. Will have a think whilst I am out about all the points raised.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. WIll be back on later.

He wants to have his cake & eat it! He wants to live there, have sex with you & have family days out but kind of be officially "separated" so he doesn't have to play by the rules of family life & go out all night like an 18 year old! I think you have to take control & say NO! He leaves, you get 100% housing & council tax benefit for your rented house plus income support &/or maintenance depending on if he's earning anything. He can sod off & be a student or whatever he wants. Plus you can have lovely rests during the weekends when he has the DCs during his contact! Don't let him string you along love & make you ill with not knowing where you stand!

Just wanted to say I feel for you, and I can sympathise with the feeling of being stuck: children and no job and small chance of employment is a head bender! If he leaves, you will have help with rent at least.
It is very hard when they don't want to leave though, as with little money one cannot just go off with the children and rent somewhere new. If you can convince him to move out you will be fine in that respect.

just spotted midwife99's post. Everything she says!
And don't feel guilty about airing your thoughts. It's allowed.

"I really do not want him to give up his training. It is his dream, he has made it most of the way through and is great at what he does."
What are your dreams? is he equally as supportive? Because unless he is going to discover time travel or a cure for cancer and you believe sacrificing your own happiness for the greater good is worthwhile, then this is all about him!

Yes, I agree with midwife99. This halfway relationship is no good for anyone. He knows you don't want it to end, he wants to be around so he can see the kids/get laid/have his dinner cooked/finish his course but he can do what he wants the rest of the time as you are no longer a couple? You do not need to feel bad for posting on here. You need support, it isn't disloyal.

He may not be having an affair, he's just not considering you at all. He is the one with the problem, you need to decide what you want.

If he leaves, what is the best case scenario for you?

Work out how a split could end happily for you so you have the freedom to show him the door - staying at his brothers would be the obvious short term solution. It also leaves the door open when he sees the error of his ways.

He is having a wobble, you need to stay strong in the face of it, not be drawn under by it. If you can agree that his feelings are valid, but not shared by you, but in the meantime work out how to be the best parents you can be he may start to change his position. He cannot act like a single man with no responsibilities even if he does leave.

For me, I am telling DP that he can leave, but when he does he will be responsible for the children 3 days and nights a week - one of the days and nights at the weekend. This will allow me to work on those days so I get myself back a bit and also give me nights off to do as I please - implication to meet someone else, I'm not saying that though as not really interested, I'll let him think what he likes. Think how lovely it would be though to go swimming weekly or join a zumba class or see friends.
Telling our children 4 and 2 years would be awful, but we aren't there yet so best not to think about it, let him do that.
At the minute I'm about to have a baby so will be on maternity for 9 months. During that time I'll be unpaid childminder on 2 of his 3 days from 9 - 6 so he'll have to get up to do the school run and I'll get a weekend day with just the baby (when will he get to see his new born I wonder?).

How long does his training last? It gives a good deadline for you e.g. stay at his brothers 'til he finishes, but he must be able to have the children over or look after them in your home while you are somewhere else (having fun/part time job?).

Do you have any wise friends to talk to? People who know you both and want the best for both of you? Can you arrange to see a relate counsellor?

Ahhhh, the old "I'm not interested in other women" line.

He's read the How to Shag Around For Dummies manual. Bless.

OP- trust me, he is interested in other women.

He's doing the textbook stay-go-stay-go talk to grind you down. He may eventually end the shagging around. He may not. But I doubt he's out drinking till 5am with his workmates.

4 dc
early 30's
retraining (at college?)
We all know how incredibly hard it is to look after 4dc (or even just 2dc)
He needs to know that he will have to do his share- 3 days a week as harecare says, and contribute financially to you all.

I guess the contrast between 'college' and your lives seems vast.

He will hugely regret this with 4dc. But you cannot decide for him. Explain all the options to him, tell him to leave and live with his db and then start to rebuild your life.

Do not continue being his 'mum' while he shits all over you.

How are you doing OP?