Not sure what to do now

[Lemongoo]

I have name changed for this, but will probably delete thread after a while,a s dh knows I am on here a lot, and would not like me posting personal info, despite the name change!
I don't know what to do, and haven't spoken to anybody in rl apart from dh about this.
It has become clear he wants to leave. He said so. He first said so a couple of weeks ago, but I think he must have felt guilty, because last week he implied that we would give it another shot. I assumed this was the case until yesterday, when he announced again that he did not want to be married any more, he does not like being responsible for me and my happiness, he needs to get out of the small town we live in as he hates it.
I thought this might be coming, he has been doing a lot of staying out drinking until 4/5am turning his phone off, knowing I am waiting for him (the last time I spoke to him at 11pm, he said he would finish his drink and come home with a bag of chips for us, he turned of his phone and went to a mutual friends house and rolled in at 4.45 - when I was up waiting for him. I tried to ignore and sleep, but I can't. I get all worked up)
We argue a bit. Money is tight whilst he re-trains and I am at home with dc. We may have grown apart a little, because we are both busy, but I was sure we could get back on track, but he has no desire to.
It makes me feel so sad. EVerything I thought my life would be has ended. All the things I was looking forward to have turned to shit. Even family walks seem empty and incomplete.
The real thing that is getting to me is he still wants to live here until he has retrained (one more year), he still wants to come on family days out (I said I would get a smaller car and he kicked up a fuss about wanting to come out for family days out still) and he still wants to come on holidays. He still calls me darling. DH says this is because it is a hard habit to break.
How do I procede from here? How am I supposed to get over him, when most of the time he acts as though nothing has happened apart from the odd massive row/tears adn him reminding me that he wants to leave.
WHat about the dc? Poor things. How are we supposed to tell them.
Do we tell them all the time he is still at home?
Sorry - it is such a long rant. I have probably missed loads of stuff out, I am just emptying my brain. I feel like its going to explode. I jsut feel so sad.

I totally agree - he is with a woman, or women. Mine wasn't the type to look at other women, would have bet my life on that one! Few months of treating me like dirt, I tell him to leave, then I find out he has profiles on websites looking for sex and also has new girlfriend.

Get rid and get your feisty self back - best thing I ever did. Finally saw him for what he is.

I hope you're ok today Lemon

"I feel really guilty writing it all down here. Dh would be most upset if he found out I was talking about him like this"

Well then let him be upset. He withdrew the right to dictate who you seek support from, or how, when he started behaving like a dick and treating you like a surly teenager treats his mother.

As others have said, he needs to leave. Where he goes is NOT your concern. If he can't afford to rent somewhere big enough to be comfortable, well tough. He has made his choice, now make him live it.

You know, you deserve respect. And consideration, care and just basic kindness. I know you love him, I know you want him to stay, but stop for a moment and think about YOU. What is he bringing to your life right now? Anxiety? Sadness? A sense of not being enough? There is nothing here for you but misery. If he wants to go, he goes. You keep your tears and hurt to yourself, and remain calm and civil in your dealings with him. Protect yourself from future hurts now. Take care.

He absolutely needs to move out, and you need him to do so so you can start living again, this is awful. Stop having sex with him, stop doing his washing/ironing/cooking, stop lying on the floor so he can have a good trample on you. At the moment, he's getting all the benefits of a relationship without giving you anything, and what is he up to til 4am?

Don't worry you are left behind in your 30's with 4 kids, the point is you will have the children around you and a great relationship with them, he'll be doing who knows what.

I would not wait for him to finish his training, that's something you invested in together as a couple, he wants out, then let him out into the big wide world. It might be less appealing once the truth of how little money and how hard work it will all be hits him.

You will manage. I know it must feel very scary to look in to a future where you manage 4 DC on your own, but you are so much more capable than you think you are. This will be his loss, not yours. This is his choice, make him live with it. You don't deserve to be treated with such contempt.

Ultimately it's up to you but if he says he wants to end marriage then he has to leave! It might mean a few months of him not having DCs overnight until he's sorted but he's not looking after them now is he? In fact he's upsetting them! If you could look at the long term picture - no more being treated like this & chuck him out I think you'd be happier in the long run. You'll also be surprised how many people offer to help you when he's gone & are happy to babysit so you can go out. Don't rely on him to do it as he is busy being a man child.

Regardless of whether he is cheating, he using you to build his new life, do he can then fuck off and leave you . I am so sorry. I would tell him that as he doesn't want to be married anymore he needs to move out so that you are in a position to claim the housing benefit, tax credits etc to enable you to retrain/get back to work and build your new life for you and your DC

But none of this is your doing. You can't make him put his DC first. But you can make sure that they are loved and secure and can therefore cope with whatever selfish shitty behaviour he throws their way in the future. Forget fair. Fair will drive you mad. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable. So now look out for you and yours. You can and will be happy again. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You deserve to be adored. Fuck him and his twattish 'needs'. Let him go. It will only mean that you are closer to what you deserve.

Tell him to go to his brother's house or one of his precious friends houses to live until he can sort himself a flat/bedsit/caravan out to live in. Don't ask him, tell him.

You really have to toughen up with him. He is using you for his convenience whilst he lives the life of a single 20 year old. Don't ask him again to leave - pack his stuff and put it outside the door, or take it to his brothers or a friends.

Consider this. If you don't take action now, this situation will get worse and worse over the coming year and you will get more and more ground down with it. Your children will know that something is wrong and will be confused and unhappy. Picture yourself putting up with a further years worth of this, and worse, behaviour from him, with him jumping ship at the end of it when it is convenient for him to do so.

Get yourself along to Citizen's Advice for some help/advice.

he's a fucking bully. He has got you exactly where he wants you and he now believes he can do no wrong.

And you know, there's never going to be a "right time" for all this to happen. It's bad timing all the time when children are involved. But the sooner you get something sorted, the quicker the children will regain stability. -They won't see or hear their father demeaning their mother in front of them, upsetting them as well as you. Mavis is right about his new life too-he thinks he's entitled to do what he wants. What you want, and the DC come a very poor second/third.

when mine left my daughter was hardly upset - she just told me she was relieved to not having him being nasty to both me and her. We are so much happier and calmer now. I never saw how much his insidious and abusive behaviour ground me down and caused us such upset until after he had gone.

fergoose did your daughter have a better relationship with her father after he had left you?

Is telling the dc that he is needs to be closer to work for the summer just prolonging things? I like that it is left open if we sort things out - but it also feels like it would take longer to start again. It is likely that I will want to tell other people the real reason why he is not here, but I wouldn't want the dc to find out from somebody else that what they think is happening is wrong!

He is good with the kids mostly - a little short tempered, but good at doing stuff like swimming and football with them. He certainly manages to get them to stay in bed at bedtime, unlike me - bedtimes can drag on forever when i do them. He never wants to get up in the morning with them though. Ever.

I think telling the kids that Daddy is 'working away' only works when they are very small.
Your DD is in year 6 so I'm guessing she is about 10 or 11. She will be aware of the problems and won't buy the working away line one bit. She will know she is being lied to.
I would be as honest as possible. Say Mummy and Daddy aren't getting on and Daddy is going to move out for a while.

I can't believe he told you to shut your face and called you stupid in front of your DS - did he even apologise? Don't let your dc grow up thinking this is how to speak to your partner.
He has to move out. Whether it is permanent or not you can't carry on like this. He will grind you down and take away all your confidence and self esteem.

Lemongoo - she refuses to see him at the moment. She is 15 though so decision is entirely hers. Not sure how he will ever repair the damage he has done to her to be honest, it worries me greatly.

What is the real reason for him leaving?
Is it because you're not getting on? Or is it simply that he is being a selfish twat who wants to be unburdened from responsibility? If it is the latter then you need to make sure he knows he still has responsibilities.
Does he say that it's you he's leaving not the kids? If so he will HAVE to find his living arrangements to ensure he has equal custody in fairness to him and them (of course he probably doesn't want this, but don't let him play the card that it's the relationship when truly it's him wanting to be unburdened).
Don't call him at work to arrange things, wait 'til he's home.
Decide what you need from him while he is in the house and sit down to work out some rules.
Make it clear (if it's true) that you still love him and want to work things out and that will continue to be the case unless he steps over the line - has sex with someone else. For the sake of the children you must work out some rules for living together/apart e.g. being civil, keeping sensible hours, splitting childcare. If he wants to leave you cannot make him stay, but that doesn't mean everything has to be on his terms.
Ultimately do you want the relationship to work or not?

This limbo will only improve, I think, if you really give him a shock and really kick butt.

Because he's basically low-level bullying here, he's setting things up so that he gets to do what he wants, you take on the responsibility, but the BAD things about his decision (e.g. his course being difficult) are arranged so he doesn't feel the pinch.

You've hit the nail on the head - he gets the fun bits that he wants, the carefree life, but gets shielded from the negatives of splitting.

That's actually no good for him either really because he's not seeing a realistic picture of what life will be like long-term for him.

From what you've said - 'shut your face' - REALLY?! - I don't think he'd be very amenable to meeting you halfway on anything, so you need to hit back. Out til 4.30 am? Who is named on the tenancy? i would:

1. Pack his bags and throw him out.
2. Make arrangements for him to take the children out at fixed times, if he can't have them overnight, at times which suit YOU.
3. Start making sure that he knows that you are moving on just as quickly and unnervingly as him!

Anything less, and he'll completely rip you off, financially, emotionally, practically. He sounds a shit.

When I say throw him out, I really mean that - pack him some bags while at work, take them to his brothers, chain on door that night. You DO WHAT YOU WANT - just like he is. You know, the husband that you don't have the right to tell not to be out til 4.30 am with other women. I don't think that husband has a leg to stand on re complaining that you've decided you don't want him in your home any more and so you're locking him out. I mean, it doesn't seem that he's there that much...

And don't you dare accept any blame for his behaviour. I got all the classics, not loved me for years, only stayed for children, I am a bully, etc. I got the promise that he may come back if he falls in love with me again, there isn't anyone else and there never has been. So out of character I thought he was having a breakdown and was scared for him. Was all out and out lies. So please do not believe one word this man tells you now - it is time for you to think of yourself and your children only.

If he wants to leave be assured he has been planning this for weeks or months while he decides what to do, you have to hurry up and get up to speed and get him out.

He sounds like he's taking advantage of your good nature, OP, if it's over then it should be over now, not in a years time when he's finished his training and sorted himself out for his new life at your expense, misery and inconvenience.

If it's not over, and he's willing to give it a go out of respect for you and your children, then maybe insist on some counselling to get to the bottom of the issues.

I think if you were to take a hard line with him, it might shock him into seeing the reality of what he's doing and where's he taking this.

He already has a precedent for leaving and coming back, you sound very forgiving and in many ways, as someone else alluded, he's like a spoilt little boy who is forgiven by you even when he behaves very poorly but you're not his mother and he should respect you more. You may not have his respect at the moment because you're putting up with his crap behaviour.