Not sure what to do now

[Lemongoo]

I have name changed for this, but will probably delete thread after a while,a s dh knows I am on here a lot, and would not like me posting personal info, despite the name change!
I don't know what to do, and haven't spoken to anybody in rl apart from dh about this.
It has become clear he wants to leave. He said so. He first said so a couple of weeks ago, but I think he must have felt guilty, because last week he implied that we would give it another shot. I assumed this was the case until yesterday, when he announced again that he did not want to be married any more, he does not like being responsible for me and my happiness, he needs to get out of the small town we live in as he hates it.
I thought this might be coming, he has been doing a lot of staying out drinking until 4/5am turning his phone off, knowing I am waiting for him (the last time I spoke to him at 11pm, he said he would finish his drink and come home with a bag of chips for us, he turned of his phone and went to a mutual friends house and rolled in at 4.45 - when I was up waiting for him. I tried to ignore and sleep, but I can't. I get all worked up)
We argue a bit. Money is tight whilst he re-trains and I am at home with dc. We may have grown apart a little, because we are both busy, but I was sure we could get back on track, but he has no desire to.
It makes me feel so sad. EVerything I thought my life would be has ended. All the things I was looking forward to have turned to shit. Even family walks seem empty and incomplete.
The real thing that is getting to me is he still wants to live here until he has retrained (one more year), he still wants to come on family days out (I said I would get a smaller car and he kicked up a fuss about wanting to come out for family days out still) and he still wants to come on holidays. He still calls me darling. DH says this is because it is a hard habit to break.
How do I procede from here? How am I supposed to get over him, when most of the time he acts as though nothing has happened apart from the odd massive row/tears adn him reminding me that he wants to leave.
WHat about the dc? Poor things. How are we supposed to tell them.
Do we tell them all the time he is still at home?
Sorry - it is such a long rant. I have probably missed loads of stuff out, I am just emptying my brain. I feel like its going to explode. I jsut feel so sad.

Sorry OP but it's blatantly obvious he's having an affair and the likely candidate is the 'frenemy' woman you mentioned.

You need to live separately and he needs to see the children elsewhere. It's not your problem where, that's his issue to sort out. He can take them out for the day and if it rains, go to a cafe or sit in the car. It sounds like they are all old enough to know what's going on and you mustn't lie to them because you'll lose your own integrity as their parent.

Do not let him guilt trip you. This is his decision!

No.

You know and the kids know you won't make it difficult for him to see them and that's all you need to know. It matters not what he thinks at all. Stand firm on that and insist it's out of the house. It confuses kids and makes the boundaries extremely blurred when separated parents play families in what was the family home. He takes them out or to the place he eventually gets.

It's got FA to do with his mum or anything else he says. He's having an affair and that's the only thing that is propelling him to leave.

This man wants you to keep the home fires burning and your legs open while he pursues a second life elsewhere

whan all falls into place with OW/he finishes his studies he will dump you from a great height

all the guilt trips he is laying on you are to maintain the status quo because it suits him (for now)

you are doing right to take control, and of course he is going to kick back against it as you are spoiling his plans

I imagine come Monday night I will be on here sobbing regardless of how much of a git he is being about it.
I will try and insist he takes the kids elsewhere, might be tough for a little while though. We will see.
What if I want to go out? Does he come and babysit in the house? I might never go out again if not!
Tbh I think he is also really confused, but not really caring about how it affects me. I would be really surprised if he is having an affair - but I suppose everyone is surprised when their oh's have an affair. I will kill him if he has (not really, but that is one thing there is no coming back from as far as I am concerned, and he knows it)
Oh God, the poor kids :(

He probably doesn't know what he wants.
Make it clear you are not kicking him out, you are simply helping him to do what he says he wants to do.
If he doesn't want to leave, then that is something to work on. How will it work out for you?
Be very clear about what YOU want from a split or if you stay together. Be rational and logical about it. Write things down.

ah, then if he knows that infidelity is an absolute dealbreaker for you, he isn't going to come clean is he, and he will move heaven and earth not to let you find out and paint him as the bad guy

he will try to keep his options open in case this "single life" he is re-enacting isn't quite as sweet as he thought it would be (it won't be, btw)

don't be the Little Lady waiting at home while he "gets it out of his system", the time for that was before he committed to having dc

He started all this so tough if he feels you ae forcing his hand or any of the other shit he is spouting. I can't see any redeeming features about this man and you will be so so so so so much better without him. Of course it will hurt for quite a while but each day is a day closer to FREEDOM!

He sounds really immature too, talking about bloody facebook statuses. His priority should be his wife and kids not on line buddies.

If you want to go out and it's not practical for him to have the kids where he is staying overnight, then get a babysitter if necessary. Your husband's not one of those - he's a childcarer and a parent just like you.

Because infidelity is a deal-breaker for you, you're refusing to see the obvious aren't you? Because if you admit it to yourself, you know you'll have to follow through with the promise you've always made to yourself about it being a deal-breaker. Putting your head in the sand about this though doesn't make it any less true that he's having an affair. He's not confused, he's unfaithful.

Affair or not (I have the same opinion as most other posters) right now this man is not your friend.

Whatever you do remember he will do what he wants without care or thought for you (and from the sounds of it the DC despite his protestations).

Don't trust him.

Get down to the CAB first thing Monday and find out if you are entitled to anything. I don't think you are going to get much in the way of money for the children as he is not working. Sort out a bank account for yourself and the bills etc that you are responsible for. Don't trust him not to cancel any and stop paying them.

Don't back down on him moving out. If he refuses to go remember you are by his stating no longer a couple. So you no longer do couple things for him. No washing clothes/cooking cleaning/shopping.

Good luck.

OP you shouldn't have to fight with someone to stay married. We all have our ups and downs but this is way way beyond that.

There needs to be consequences to his actions. He is not behaving like a husband. You deserve to be cherished.

I am sure it all feels overwhelming right now and you have been together a long time so you can't imagine yourself without him. Maybe you will get obver this patch but maybe you wont.
You need to get some advice from CAB.
And if asking him to leave feels like too much to handle tell yourself that you just need a couple of weeks without living with him to get your head straight and take it from there. Good luck xx

You need to work on your self-esteem and take some control back. He says he doesn't want a relationship with you, so kick him out and get control back. The relationship does not sound like it is worth saving. You deserve so so so much better than being a doormat who is being emotionally abused by an arse you are supporting.

For what it is worth, my XH changed jobs lots, tried various degrees, spent lots of time out till 2,3,4 am when he promised he would be back early. Was aggressive when he came home, and in the morning when he was woken up by the kids. He was a functional alcoholic who just had a (reasonably well-hidden) hangover in the morning. So his 'affair'/primary relationship was with lady-booze. And he too had all sorts of reasons and excuses for drinking, his upbringing, his mother, stress at work, wanting to be young and carefree, bosses not understanding how brilliant he was. I wanted the relationship to work and put myself and the children through far too much for too long, and taking control back and telling him to leave was the best decision I have ever made. And I left the marriage, having been a SAHM, with nothing but the kids. But I like myself again, quite a bit, and I have the chance of a good future. And he was not worth it.

You are not forcing his hand - he had already put this action into motion with his selfish behaviour, followed by telling you he wanted to split.

What did he expect really? For you to carry on as before until he was ready to bugger off? This is his doing and he could have called a halt to it anytime he wanted to - but he didn't because he didn't want to.

Daffy that's such a good post.

Lemon, I agree with everyone else and nothing's changed my earlier views. I just wanted to say-don't feel daft for coming back on here,crying or no(hope you're not though). Lean on us if it helps. My best mate lives four hours from me so I feel your pain

Hope things are OK.
Just remember to stay calm (especially in front of the kids). Does your DC1 not have sats next week? Not a major issue, just tell her next weekend not this perhaps.
Remember to tell them (DC) that Daddy still loves them- he needs to do that too- and he needs to start putting them first.
If he starts slagging you off to them- then that is the time to get very strict with him.
He has basically told you its over- you are simply responding to this. If he changes his mind he needs to completely recommit under your rules. (I think this sounds very unlikely).
But you are protecting yourself and your DC- your marriage/ rela sounds like quite a bad example to be setting for them- as he has all the power and you have none.

Stay strong, be clear about what you want and do not be drawn into arguments. Stick to your guns- and if things get nasty then do not hesitate to call the police. He needs to be shown boundaries.
Good luck

Thanks for all your advice.
I am getting the thread deleted now, as I have given away some info and people will recognise me from rl if they read it!

Get him out ASAP. What a total and utter git. OP you need to get your self respect back, this 'man' is using you.

I separated from stbxh in July last year. I also have 4dc and whilst it hasn't all been plain sailing they have flourished since. They still see stbxh regularly and what they have got is a happy mother. You won't believe the difference just you being happy makes to your children. Your children will be okay. You, however, won't be. Every minute this person stays around you, your self esteem and respect will drop and drop.

Ask yourself, would you want your children to stay in such a relationship? You need to stay strong, insist he moves out, no sex, no nothing. You do not feel guilty about his training. He has made his choice, it's not your fault.

Good luck Lemon. There's lots of wise mnetters here if you want to come back. We're all thinking of you x

Good luck lemon

Good luck Lemon!!!

Hi Lemon, just read the thread.

I know everything seems really hard just now, but him leaving today is going to be one of those bad things that turns out to be a good thing in the long run. I think you'll be able to see things a lot more clearly over time, that the "life together" you're mourning isn't your life at all. I mean, 40 more years of being treated like dog dirt? That isn't a marriage, that's an emotionally abusive and damaging relationship. And it's just as bad for the kids as it is for you. You, he, and your children will be much happier when he goes. Really.

Feel free to come back and post on here, your ex-H does not get to say who you talk to!

Good luck x