Pregnant with DC2 but DP really angry towards my DD1 from previous relationship

[Tellie]

I don't know where to start but really need some advice. i have a wonderful DD who is 12 almost 13 from a previous relationship. I'm expecting DC2 with DP but he has become agresive and unreasnable IMO towards myself and DD1.

my DD is a good girl. does well at school, is mature and polite (most of the time) and is moving into teenage years well. her room is messy and she can eat us out of house and home but i see this as normal behavour. she helps out around the house (prehaps not to my standard but she does try)

My DP has some OCD issues... our home looks like a show home and god help us if anything is left lying around. he has started to become resentful towards my DD. he's constantly shouting at me about it, i came home tonight and he has gone mental because DD bed is unmade and she has left makeup laying around in her room.

the other week he smashed up our bedroom and flatscreen TV because the washing had not been done!!

i really don't know how to cope with this. he has never hurt me but he scares me, i'm 13 weeks pg and i'm terrified of how he will react when the baby is born.

how long have you been together?
And your house is certainly not going to be a showhome once the baby comes - he does know that doesnt he. Babies means mess, and smalls, and dirty nappies and vomit on the nice clean carpet.
This isnt good, not good at all.

His behaviour is abusive and must be terrifying. A normal man would be making his pregnant partner feel as loved and secure as possible. He would want to protect her and help as much as possible. Not insist that the house be spotless and punish her by flying into a rage and smashing things up! And your daughter at the age needs privacy, not some monster inspecting the state of her dressing table FFS!
This will only get worse. Your Dd will grow up thinking this is what a marriage looks like. Do you want her to look for/accept a man like this when her turn comes to choose a partner?

Babies are by their very nature, smelly, messy, noisy and toddlers, by their nature, leave an untidy trail.

Babies/toddlers and small children are not meant to live in a show home! Show homes do not have toys!

No bed is left unmade in a show home, and no make up is on display in a show home bedroom.

OMG OP how can you expect your poor darling dc to live life like in a show home when your dp acts more like an angry estate agent than a loving, fun loving, caring dad?!

Op what sort of male influences have you had in your life? I fear they can't be good because good daddies/partners want a happy family life and contribute towards making one. Think of your dd and make sure she has a good male role model in her life fgs.

You are not being a good mother I'm afraid to say because you've introduced a man into your home who goes in your teenage dd's bedroom without permission.

OMG OP why the hell are you allowing this?????

Why was DP in your DD's room anyway at 12 she should be allowed privacy and space and yes she should be responsible for keeping her room decently clean and tidy but ffs no bed made bit of make up out is not a big deal.
Is money really more important than your children, my mum finally left my abusive father( abuse directed at us kids) with 3 DD's aged 14,11, and 6.We took what we could carry and never looked back, yes we didn't get many holidays or brand name clothes but we were SAFE, fed clothed, housed and LOVED
If you stay with this man i dread to ythink how worse it'll get once there's a baby about too

Twotum,

My responses are underneath your comments:-

"He doesn't shout at my daugter or even kick off when she is at home. Its me who gets the backlash for her behavour when she is out. My DD has no clue that this is going on, and loves DP very much".

Of course she knows that something is amiss, do not kid yourself otherwise that she does not know. He shouts at you and she sees all too clearly how unhappy you are in the aftermath of his actions. It shows in how you act and behave at home when he is around. You walk on eggshells. She is picking up on all this poisonous atmosphere in your home. What do you want to teach her about relationships?.

"I know its unacceptable and i can not let it continue. However i do love this man and usually we are happy and fine. But I can't s it back and listen to him say the hurtful things about my daughter. And i do worry what he will be like
when the baby arrives".

What do you get out of this relationship with this man now?. You already are sitting back and listening to him to your child in such a foul manner. What is there to love about this man?. You have been supposedly happy and fine up till now - I think you have ignored the red flags that have sprung up over time. You have come to minimise this and its only going to get a long worse from now on in. He will markedly favour "his" child over your DD.

"I want to give him a chance to put things right and aknowledge there is a problem, without giving him signals that i'm a pushover and will stand by him no matter what".

He will never adcknolwdge he has a problem; abusive men like yours think that they are always in the right. You are his partner and as such are too close to the situation to be of any real use. Not that he wants your "help" anyway because you're precisely the last person who can help him. He also does not want your help!!!. You are already showing him that you are a pushover, he knows you're now pregnant and is his eyes trapped in a situation of his own making.