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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant with DC2 but DP really angry towards my DD1 from previous relationship

80 replies

Tellie · 08/05/2012 19:10

I don't know where to start but really need some advice. i have a wonderful DD who is 12 almost 13 from a previous relationship. I'm expecting DC2 with DP but he has become agresive and unreasnable IMO towards myself and DD1.

my DD is a good girl. does well at school, is mature and polite (most of the time) and is moving into teenage years well. her room is messy and she can eat us out of house and home but i see this as normal behavour. she helps out around the house (prehaps not to my standard but she does try)

My DP has some OCD issues... our home looks like a show home and god help us if anything is left lying around. he has started to become resentful towards my DD. he's constantly shouting at me about it, i came home tonight and he has gone mental because DD bed is unmade and she has left makeup laying around in her room.

the other week he smashed up our bedroom and flatscreen TV because the washing had not been done!!

i really don't know how to cope with this. he has never hurt me but he scares me, i'm 13 weeks pg and i'm terrified of how he will react when the baby is born.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 08/05/2012 19:43

General consensus will be to split up.

Has he always been like this with your daughter?

Once the baby is born he will be even more unbearable about the mess etc

If he smashes things up because the washing isn't done he has serious anger problems and you do not want to subject your kids to that.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 08/05/2012 19:44

According to Women's Aid 30% of domestic violence (and smashing the place up in order to intimidate your partner into doing what you tell her IS DV) starts in pregnancy. That's probably partly because the guy KNOWS that the woman feels trapped so she's less likely to leave. Luckily people like WA (0808 2000 247) are there to help them get out.

Use them. Give them a call, find out your options. If they don't answer, leave a message.

AThingInYourLife · 08/05/2012 19:45

You can't make your daughter live with a man who treats her like that.

You just can't.

pictish · 08/05/2012 19:53

The thing is...by bullying your dd and smashing things up, he's letting you know what he is capable of.
The result is that you (and dd) will now begin to walk on eggshells afraid of setting him off again.

So his behaviour intimidates you both into towing the line as he likes to have it.

Soon enough, no-one will be able to stand up to him for fear of the consequences.

He might say "I'm sorry" or "you are overreacting" or "I was angry because (insert lame as fuck justification here)".....but his actions tell you all you need to know.

pictish · 08/05/2012 19:54

Oh and btw - smashing stuff up IS domestic violence.

horseygeorgie · 08/05/2012 19:55

I know to you it won't seem as extreme as it sounds here as you are living the situation, but i really think it is. A man who has OCD, a temper and a baby is not a good combination. Treating your DD like that is unforgivable in my book and i think you need to get out before he hurts you or your children.

PooPooInMyToes · 08/05/2012 19:56

It can never end well with a man like this.

Im sorry but you don't have any choice but to leave.

PooPooInMyToes · 08/05/2012 19:57

Or to kick him out!

ToothbrushThief · 08/05/2012 19:59

Smashing up a TV? This is a show of violence.

If you are scared of leaving and his reaction this is an even bigger indicator that you need help to leave him.

ToothbrushThief · 08/05/2012 20:00

What Elephants said is very very true. You can talk to your midwife about this. You can also phone the police and ask to meet someone to discuss your options.

Xales · 08/05/2012 20:01

If this is just since the pregnancy and you think it is only a temporary thing then you need to tell him clearly and plainly it is unacceptable and it stops now. Any more threats/going mental/smashing things and he is out there and then. No negotiation you and your DD do not put up with this. He gets one chance and one chance only.

If the washing is not done he can stick it in the machine and do it. He does not wreck things and use violence to intimidate you into making sure it is all done next time.

If he goes back to normal then you need some new ground rules.

Your DD is 12 nearly 13. Close her bedroom door. She should now be gaining privacy from a man who is not her father. He does not go in there, he does not look in there and it is not down to him how tidy her room is. An unmade bed and some make up are pathetic reasons for a grown man to be screaming at a pregnant woman.

There is going to be more clutter/mess with a baby around. If he is redeemable suggest he gets some help to deal with his OCD as he is in for a heck of a shock once his own child launches stuff off a high char/projectile vomits or shits.

If there has been low level stuff building to this now you are pregnant I think you need out before you or your DD is harmed any further.

OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 08/05/2012 20:02

Please leave.

ScooseLooseAbootThisHoose · 08/05/2012 20:02

I would get out of there what is he going to be like when you have a new baby in the house? It will only get worse

NormaStanleyFletcher · 08/05/2012 20:02

What they all said ^

You really need some RL support too. Is there anyone you can talk to? As well as women's aid (0808 2000 247)

shuffleballchange · 08/05/2012 20:03

Please leave, its not going to get better. It will be harder to leave with a tiny baby.

ToothbrushThief · 08/05/2012 20:09

My main concern here is that there is a huge gap between reading LEAVE on a forum and the act of leaving.

However the advice here is pretty consistent. You need to leave.

You do need RL help. I cannot strongly recommend enough that you get RL help to fill the gap and help you move to a life not treading on eggshells, not avoiding upsetting him, not suppressing a teenage girl's normal behaviour and making her feel second class.

This sort of man usually reacts badly when you try to leave - you need people experienced in this behaviour to support you

lou4791 · 08/05/2012 20:17

What a terrible situation to be in. I really feel for you.
But as others have said, there really is no choice, you have to split up from this man.
It's not going to be easy. But staying in this situation will end up being so much harder- and so much more damaging for both of your children. Get all the help and support that you can. Take very good care of yourself- you are going to need to be very strong.

ledkr · 08/05/2012 20:26

Womens aid wont force you to do anything you dont want to but can talk you through your options and help you make decisions.

You say your dd is a lovely gilr well she wont be soon if you put her though this,she will rebel and possibly cause herself some problems and you.

It is easy for us to all say leave but I also agree you shouldnt stay with a man who behaves this way towards you or your child.

FanjolinaJolie · 08/05/2012 20:35

He sounds like a horrible, horrible person.

ll31 · 08/05/2012 20:54

just thinking ahead how would he react to baby being there, you being exhausted, not able to do everything, your dd meanwhile being a normal teenager - I dont'think you can stay

mummytime · 08/05/2012 21:19

Talk to your midwife, in fact in all my pregnancies my midwife asked about DV as it is such a common time for it to start. That is if you are not talking to Women's aid right now.
Please take care of yourself and your DCs. You can survive without him.

Aussiebean · 09/05/2012 00:48

When my aunt first married my uncle he complained about the washing not being done. So she gave him the instruction manual to the washing machine.

They are now divorced and it is horrible for her and their 2 DCs.

I think you need to make a stand. If divorce is too much for you to think about right now you need to at least make it very clear that this behaviour is not on. You need to let him know your children (both of them) come first, before him, and always will. And it needs to change now.

Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and that you want him to leave for a while. He needs to think about his behaviour and you need to reconsider your situation. If after a time he understands then he can come back, if not then you can take the next step.

By giving both of you space, you can consider your options. And your daughter knows something is wrong. She is 13, not deaf and old enough to feel the tension.

It is better to address this now and make the changes while you have the energy and not have to worry about a new born on a few hours sleep.

Good luck

duchesse · 09/05/2012 01:03

Tellie, I'm sorry but you must leave.

izzyizin · 09/05/2012 06:04

he has gone mental because DD bed is unmade and she has left makeup laying around in her room

WTF is he doing noseying around in her room?

This twunt is so out of order he's off the scale.

Who has the right to occupy the property you are living in? Is it yours, his, or in joint names?

You managed before you met him and you'll manage perfectly well once he's been despatched to planet offufuck.

If you're luck you've got maybe 5-8 years before your dd flies the nest. Kick him out of your life and make the most of the time she spends under your roof.

Get your priorities straight. A dc is for life, not just for Christmas. The wrong man is as disposable as a tissue. Bin him.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/05/2012 08:12

How are you and DD today Tellie?