Pregnant with DC2 but DP really angry towards my DD1 from previous relationship

[Tellie]

I don't know where to start but really need some advice. i have a wonderful DD who is 12 almost 13 from a previous relationship. I'm expecting DC2 with DP but he has become agresive and unreasnable IMO towards myself and DD1.

my DD is a good girl. does well at school, is mature and polite (most of the time) and is moving into teenage years well. her room is messy and she can eat us out of house and home but i see this as normal behavour. she helps out around the house (prehaps not to my standard but she does try)

My DP has some OCD issues... our home looks like a show home and god help us if anything is left lying around. he has started to become resentful towards my DD. he's constantly shouting at me about it, i came home tonight and he has gone mental because DD bed is unmade and she has left makeup laying around in her room.

the other week he smashed up our bedroom and flatscreen TV because the washing had not been done!!

i really don't know how to cope with this. he has never hurt me but he scares me, i'm 13 weeks pg and i'm terrified of how he will react when the baby is born.

Unfortunately pregnancy is the time when a lot of domestic violence begins. This man smashed up your bedroom and TV? He's becoming aggressive towards your dd? GET OUT NOW!

And don't go back. You are vulnerable, your dd is vulnerable and what about the baby? A man who has so little self control that he smashes furniture because of the laundry is NOT SAFE to be near a little baby.

Of course you don't want to be penniless, of course this seems almost unbelievable that it's happening to you but it is and you ave some red flags staring you in the face right now. Take heed and get out before somebody gets badly hurt.

The bills will be a lot more manageable than you think. If you're working you can still go on maternity leave, you can claim tax credits etc while on ML. Then you will be able to go back to work and claim help with childcare through tax credits, your wages will also be topped up by tax credits if you're on a low income.

If you're not working or don't want to go back to work after the baby comes then you can claim income support until your youngest child is 7, by which time your DD will be 18 and can start paying rent if she doesn't go to uni.

I know it's not a nice thought to be reliant on benefits, but this is exactly what they are there for - as a safety net so you can get out of situations like this.

You've said yourself that you have tried talking to him and he's not going to change because he thinks his opinions are perfectly valid - that tells you all that you need to know.

Please call women's aid and see what support they can offer you. It's just a phone call, you don't have to do anything straight away.

womens aid

Might be an idea to wipe your pc history after looking at that. Somebody can talk you through doing that if you don't know how.

If you don't want to look at the webpage the helpline is 0808 2000 247

Your poor dd. I imagine telling you how he's treating her was very difficult. If you don't do something you let her down.

Fcuking hell, run for the hills

You have to end this relationship. It's as simple as that. You actually state yourself that he feels his anger and actions are justified! He will not change and even if your dd has not seen it yet she soon will. The first few months of a baby's life can be stressful for everyone and things are only going to get worse...

Do not even think of putting financial security before the physical security of yourself, your daughter and your unborn child.

You do know what's going to happen when that baby arrives, don't you?

The dishes aren't going to get done, because you my love are going to be knackered. The baby is going to cry....there aregoing to be clothes, and mess everywhere.....he's not going to like that is he?

He's probably not OCD btw....(has he told you that??) he's probably just yet another bullying abusive twat.

How are you this morning Tellie. Please listen to what the other women have said on here. Also, ask yourself what use is financial security and bill paying if you're spending each day walking on egg shells trying to keep him calm and non aggressive with a new baby and teenage daughter to care for as well.

Tellie,

Leave now whilst you still can (smashing up stuff is domestic violence and he could well go onto attack you next, this is even more likely now). Use Womens Aid to help you get out. You and your DD are under attack in your own home and violence like this escalates over time.

My guess too is that he will favour his own child over his stepdaughter so she will continue to be shouted at/berated/ignored by him. You cannot and must not allow this situation to continue. Being a single mum to 2 children is hard work but better to be alone than to be badly accompanied as you are now. At least you will not be walking on eggshells aka living in fear.

Abuse like you are experiencing is about power and control - this man wants absolute over you. This is broken and cannot be fixed.

This is no relationship role model for your DD to be following either; she is learning from the two of you about relationships and currently both of you are teaching her damaging lessons.

Tellie-we seem to have scared you off im sorry.

Ifyou can face it can you pm me or anyone of us,just for some support.

If it helps I was in an incredibly violent relationship years ago which i got out of.I am now a social worker and dh is a policeman so I could offer you some completely anonymous advice or support. I would hate to think that you now feel you cant come on here for fear of being chastised for staying.

It took me afew years to leave and the same applys to most women so dont isolate yourself because you feel weak and dont wnat to admit you are giving it a go,stay transparent because that will eventually give you power.

As others said.
There's red flags all over and it will be harder when the baby is there.

He doesn't have OCD.
He's just a controlling bully.

abusive men will often not become obviously abusive until they have got the woman pregnant. She's more 'tied' to them. Less likely to leave. It is well demonstrated that a great deal of abuse begins once the woman has become pregnant.

It does not stop.

Yes, it is hard financially to leave. But it is less damaging emotionally to you and your children.

Someone who is physically aggressive isn't always going to stop at inanimate objects.

It's hard. You're pregnant, you're worried, you wonder where the nice bloke has gone.

He hasn't gone anywhere, that's the painful truth of it. He never existed in the first place.

THIS is the man. The one who smashes things up and intimidates you.

He doesn't shout at my daugter or even kick off when she is at home. Its me who gets the backlash for her behavour when she is out. My DD has no clue that this is going on, and loves DP very much.

I know its unacceptable and i can not let it continue. However i do love this man and usually we are happy and fine. But I can't s it back and listen to him say the hurtful things about my daughter. And i do worry what he will be like when the baby arrives.

I want to give him a chance to put things right and aknowledge there is a problem, without giving him signals that i'm a pushover and will stand by him no matter what.

DD does know believe me, I was the older child in the house where the bio dad lived with his babies and it would all be lovely if it wasn't for me.
It's awful especially if your mum is so tired and hormonal with the baby they don't have the energy to fight your corner. Or just leave.

Twotum, how can your 13 year old not know when the tv is smashed up? You cannot hide it from her anyway.

I get the impression that you think you can shield her from it, but you can't without attracting his aggression yourself.

I'm sure you are very happy and fine normally, but this level of scariness is awful and going to get worse.

It is up to you as the mum to keep your children safe and protected, and to protect youself so you can look after them (as well as have some happiness yourself).

It sounds like you have fallen in love quite recently and don't want to admit this man has a scary side.

Have you any friends or family you can talk with?

Feel so upset that the op is not being the protective lioness she needs to be for her poor dd who has no choice but live with this 'nice' man who has a monstrous streak.

Her poor baby will learn that it is ok for men to intimidate and smash things up to get their own way.

The UK is not a country where women need to be stuck financially forever in abusive relationships. There is a lot of help and support out there, how tragic that material considerations take precedent over providing a safe and happy home for children.

What is sad is that all this excellent advice on here will probably be ignored.

What a miserable family life for innocent children. OP you need to ensure their childhood is a happy one otherwise they'll be scarred for life and it will be your fault for not protecting them properly.

Tellie. She knows. I knew.

Let's pretend that she doesn't know. That she is oblivious to the damage and to the atmosphere.

How long do you think it will be before he turns on her too?

The thing about these situations is that they escalate.

If, out of the blue, he grabbed hold of your daughter and screamed abuse in her face, you'd leave. Or at least I hope to god you would.

But they don't do that. They don't start with a huge thing out of the blue that anybody would be packing bags at. they test the water. They do it incrementally. Will you take a bit of a dig, yes? ok, will you take being yelled at, yes? ok, will you take your stuff being damaged, yes? ok, will you take being threatened, yes? ok, will you take your child being talked about in vile terms, yes? ok,

What's the next increment? What do you think it will be?

It's all well and good saying he'd never do anything to her.

At one point I am sure you would have said that he would never smash up your bedroom or say vile things about your daughter.

You are in an awful, painful and vulnerable situation. I am so so sorry. But please don't bury your head in the sand. It isn't going to be ok just because you wish with all your heart that it will be.

oh, and meant to add that by the time they have escalated up to the huge stuff that you would have booted their arse out for if they'd started with it, they've ground you down, normalised it, made you afraid and broken you.

This level of rage is absolutely unacceptable. I am all for toleration and saving relationships. But violence like this is really worrying and not going to get any better. And over a trivial thing like washing not being done. It's beyond dreadful. Sorry not to be more positive.

What is it you love about him?

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and you must stand up to him.

It may just be a very temporary blip maybe linked to depression. Though this does not excuse his behaviour.

Or maybe this is just the start of years of abuse and it will only get worse.
Trust me, I was the SD and my mother got so ground down by the abuse that she eventually turned a blind eye to it.
This has seriously affected me and I no longer have anything to do with my ex mother and I doubt I ever will.

our home looks like a show home and god help us if anything is left lying around.

You say "us" but you also say it doesn't affect your daughter. Which one is it? She must feel the anxiety about keeping the place tidy!

Do you think its reasonable for your children to live in a show home? Do you think that's normal or healthy for a child.

he has started to become resentful towards my DD. he's constantly shouting at me about it, i came home tonight and he has gone mental because DD bed is unmade and she has left makeup laying around in her room.

He has NO right to be resentful of YOUR daughter. He should respect her as he should respect you.

When you say resentful do you mean he doesn't want her around?

How can you live being CONSTANTLY shouted at? How long before he is shouting at her?

He also shouldn't be complaining about a tiny bit of mess in her own PRIVATE room!

OP - may I ask who was keen to have a baby? Was it mutual or was one of you more keen than the other?