So after the affair 'bubble' has burst and your husband begins to realise the magnitude of what he's done where did that leave you? I feel kind of stuck not moving backwards but not moving forwards ei

[confusedriver]

Hello ladies I posted quite something on here a while back, firstly describing how DH and I had grown distant and secondly how I had found out he was having an affair, I have name changed as since he has seen me on mumsnet and he knows my user name (as does a friend) so just thought if anything is searched in my old name this may be a way to keep me hidden.

So in a nutshell I found out what he was doing (texting) and then he came clean and admitted he was sleeping with her etc, loves this OW, she gives him things I've never given him before, they talk for hours blah blah all that crap...after a week of radio silence as advised by amazing posts from many but anyfucker, charbon and madabouthotchoc really helped me see the wood for the trees so to speak, he realised he couldn't leave and has repeatedly said he wants to make it up to me for the rest of my life and become a better couple from it, he thought we had both stopped trying, and that now of course he realises what he did was totally wrong....!!

We have talked and talked and talked daily, the first few weeks were not easy....and at first he was very defensive of her, and upset when he thought of her, then after a few days he kept saying how everyday it gets easier he doesn't miss her, he realises just what the hell he had to lose with me, and it took to him nearly losing it all to realise just what we do have, and for him to realise he has always loved me and she could never compete with that. OW tried to text him, so he changed his number that day unprompted, he came home to tell me she had text him, and that he didn't reply (showed me the message on his phone) and also said he has changed his number to try and cut that angle of contact. He has stopped going to the pub (and anywhere actually) comes home from work early everyday to try and remain 'transparent' and says the thought of what he nearly lost makes him want to try and be the best husband in the world and that he plans to make it all up to me (been getting flowers, texts throughout the day to explain his whearabouts and i love u messages and sorry messages etc)

since their last point of contact I have been able to check in many many ways that he is telling the truth (i feel like a spy!) and there is truth in his actions. He also cuddles me all the time, cooks me breakfast every morning and is helping out with the kids no end, he says he thinks he made our relationship out to be worse in his head that he thought, and that when he was doing all these horrible things he said his head was "totally gone" and looking back he cant believe he could ever do it because its so out of character for him.

So yes, he is trying to make ammends big time. He has even distanced himself from some 'friends' who knew what he was doing, he is trying to make it up in loads of ways and lots more than I have listed and I feel like I am talking the the old version of him again... his head is out of this 'bubble' he was in, and he has cried, apologised and just keeps saying he wants us to work and that we will work if I can try and trust him again.

But, he lied and lied and lied to me whilst having an affair, and I just cant get my head round this. I have flashbacks, I am obsessing, I have a racing heart most of the time although I conceal it all so well inside its so very hard.

All the lies whilst he was in this different world, and the way he treated me was so horrible... do I forgive him for these things? Because he is like his oldself again its so bloody confusing. he has told me everything about their affair (I think) from beginning to end (extremely hurtful) and everytime i have a question he answers it.

I tell him daily i don't know if i can do this, even though i love him, I cant torture myself with this life of potential paranoia etc. He gets v upset about this and then says it wont happen because he's going to try his best to make it all better...

But after they 'realise' what they have done, I just don't get how I should feel, I am still so angry, so hurt and I just feel soooo confused like I cant trust anything I think.

I feel kind of stuck, not going backwards but not moving forwards either...

There's no 'should' to feelings. Angry, hurt and confused sound pretty normal for someone who has been betrayed, lied to and treated so horribly. He may well be back to his old self after his little affair, making a big effort, crying and so forth ... bully for him. But you'll never look at him the same way again. Thats the difference. He probably is shallow enough to put it all behind him but you, I'm afraid, never will. You were probably grateful at first that he was still with you. Relieved perhaps that he was still around. After all, who likes big changes in their lives? IME once the relief wears off, the resentment takes over, you see them for the little shits they really are, and the longer they stick around the more you'd like to knife them in the ribs.

To err is human. To forgive is divine. If you're not a divinity, you are under no obligation whatsoever to forgive.

Didnt realised I had written so much

"I feel kind of stuck, not going backwards but not moving forwards either..."

That's because you're between a rock and a hard place btw. You have two stark choices now. Live with a lying cheat or kick him to the kerb. You thought you could get away with the first and pick up where you left off. Now you realise it's probably going to have to be the second, it's a very difficult thing to accept. Once you do, you will finally move forward. Sorry about that but good luck

You're writing a lot because you can't stick a knife in his ribs... trust me. For some reason, even though you 'talked and talked and talked daily', you have not truly expressed the depth of how you feel. That frustration is why you're dumping on a website rather than sharpening the Sabatiers....

You don't owe him getting over this.

He was happy to risk your marriage when it suited him, and just because he has changed his mind doesn't create any obligation for you to stay in the marriage he valued at zero.

The only way this can work is if you stay because that is what you really want for your future - to be with this man, this man who cheated on you, this man who is sorry.

I think what you have described is very normal - he sounds like he is working very hard to make amends. But it will take time for you to get over the pain - flashbacks, obsessing and so on are all part of the process.

Your post does not say how long ago it was but many on here have said it can take up to 2 years. I am coming up to my 1st anniversary and I can say that as each month passes, I am feeling so much better but I accept I will never have the same blind trust and innocence (no bad thing really). I remember going forwards one step and then going backwards 2 steps - recovery is not one straight upwards line, its more of a rollercoaster.

My H will agree with your H when it comes to how vile his behaviour was - he feels sick at the memory of what he said/did. The thing with affairs is that the cheater is in a bubble of their own where only their own needs matter and it is so damaging and hurtful for the betrayed party

I think counselling would be a good idea if you need a safe space to talk through your feelings.

Have you done any reading? I would recommend Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends and there are some great websites about recovering from an affairs (beyondaffairs comes to mind).

Are you doing anything for yourself to boost your self esteem and to rebuild your own life?

(sorry if I am asking/telling you stuff you have already heard from us before - I don't recognise you but do PM me if you want to) x

I did get that book thanks, and I am reading it for the second time, each time i read it i seem to get something different from it if that makes sense. DH also read how to help your spouse heal after an affair, and he said that made him feel terrible but realise a lot of stuff.

I guess whats so confusing it how they say such awful things one week, and then a few weeks later take back what they said. Confused is an understatement.

yes, I too had to re read the book a couple of times, mainly because different stages of my recovery required a different focus/section.

It is a total mind fuck isn't it - it took me months before I was sure that I wanted to stay in the marriage so do not set yourself a deadline or make any long term decisions. All you can do is to get through one day at a time.

Do not forget the importance of looking after yourself and rebuilding your own life.

I've recently gone through a similar thing with my long term partner (17 years) although his was with two other women both started texting from fb and then this led on to four meetings, first woman he kissed the second woman led onto oral sex. It's been just over a month now and dp has been just how you described your dh, being overly attentive and making me feel special again, he's been the one in floods of tears whereas I've been so shell shocked I've been unable to cry and I NEED to. We've arranged counselling although we're currently on the Relate waiting list, must be a busy time for them, he also changed his mobile number, has given me all the passwords to fb and email account etc but like you I currently feel what now, how am I supposed to feel.

I'm currently reading the Shirley Glass book as mentioned on here to hopefully give me some insight into 'what next.

hello there

I am sorry to see you struggling still

I don't have much advice for you, I rarely do give any in the "aftermath" threads. All I can say is you shouldn't feel bad for getting this "second wind" of anger and resentment after the initial bombshell has settled. Whether you still have enough love and respect for your H after he did what he did is something that should be weighing on his conscience, not yours. He decimated it, not you.

Whether that blow is a mortal blow to your marriage, I guess only time will tell. I think it's rather common though, when a couple try and put such betrayal behind them, for the betrayed partner to later wake up one day and realise "Actually, I didn't sign up for this, and I don't want it"

Bottom line, you are not obliged to stick with your initial decision, you can change your mind at any time x

He's doing all the right things ... so it's going to be entirely your call on whether you can live with the knowledge of his capacity to hurt you. It will never be the same relationship again.

I'm going to try and answer what I think you're asking; sorry if I've got it wrong.
When a man (or woman, but we'll stick with 'man') has an affair they Fall In Love. This is as overwhelming, exhilarating and "right" as it was when they fell in love with you. The lover becomes the centre of their world, their validation, their reason for living. Everything else pales to insignificance, including you. You don't understand him like she does. You become somewhat like his mother, the first time he fell in love - ever-present, loved, but annoying and Couldn't Possibly Understand this true passion.

Remember how dreadful it was when your very first love went wrong? The crushing disappointment, the universal injustice of it all? The way no-one else had ever been bereaved of love like this and, eventually, resignation and some acknowledgement that it had to happen. You still wouldn't tell your mother she was right, though. Your personal drama was yours alone.

OK, so your straying man goes through all that. It's overwhelming. He gives it all up, realises that your love (and his children's) is a more steadfast thing than the passion he's lost ... and, having undergone such huge sacrifice, returns his heart to home. But, in a way, he's still behaving like a teenager going home to Mum. She's always there for him. She'll never understand his Huge Passion but will help him glue his pieces back together.

See what's missing here? It's all about him. His feelings, his drama, his adventure, his loss. He gets that he's hurt you (what HE did) and that he needs to nurture your wounded heart (what HE must do) so as to return to how things were before (when HE felt so safe, he was able to take you for granted.) He doesn't truly understand that your drama has been as deep and wide as his - and a lot more miserable. He simply can't understand it. For this reason, he can't understand that the relationship you had before is over. He killed it. It won't come back.

I'm generalising here and your H might be the one in a thousand who intuitively does get it. However, I doubt that because you're posting. If you're to reconcile properly, you both need to grasp that you've got to build a new relationship. That it won't be the same as the old one. That the old one is dead. Your old partnership was based on unflinching trust in your value to one another. The woman who believed he'd never hurt her that much has gone. You know he can; nothing will remove that knowledge. The man who believed he was honest has gone; he knows he's capable of deceiving the people who love him.

The thing is, you're both capable of it. Everyone is. Think about the early months of a relationship: you're still checking one another out, testing your own feelings ... evaluating whether you're willing to place your trust in each other. You don't assume unconditionality. Unconditional love is only for children and pets. This is why you're not the same as his mother!

Now, you need to remember that you are both individuals with equal capacity to hurt one another. That it takes a lot to trust, and that love between adults is always conditional. You need to get to know each other - not "again" but afresh; to get to know each other now. And find out what kind of a relationship build, and whether you want to.

It can be done! Couples do it every day. There's no guarantee it'll work: you might not like each other much any more, or have anything in common. Who knows? It should be fun finding out ...

The thing is, there's no going back. You can't undo history. You can only go forwards. You (he) might need a few counselling sessions to really get this. Good luck!

essay

"it should be fun finding out.."

that's just it

it isn't fun, it's miserable and soul destroying and you shouldn't do it unless you are 110% committed to it

something that isn't fun, doesn't enhance your life, makes you feel small, makes you question yourself, makes your happiness conditional on one other person not hurting you again blah blah blah

that sounds like the extreme opposite of what life should be about, to me

YY, AF. If you don't like each other enough to have fun creating a relationship, you shouldn't even be trying.

It is just like dating again, really. If the man he is now doesn't appeal to you ... you move along.

and at first he was very defensive of her, and upset when he thought of her,

That must have hurt so much

witnessing, like a sidelined bystander, how the betraying partner grieves for their "lost" relationship....how do you maintain your respect in that scenario ?

not respect for them as such, although of course that factors hugely, but respect for yourself

what a good post garlic. So true

I could never forgive an affair. I think that him saying that he gets it is fine, but irrelevant: however much he gets it, it doesn't put it right. He's smashed the marriage to pieces, and like a lovely priceless vase, you can carefully glue it together again, but it will not be the same: it's flawed.

Bottom line: will you ever be able to trust him again? I can't imagine that the transparency he's showing will last forever - it must be exhausting. It's like he's trying to make up for something that he can never make up for. Like he's constantly having to remember to be open - that's not natural, but it's the consequence of his actions.

This is about you, not him. You owe him absolutely nothing, so be totally selfish and follow your heart and your gut.

I agree that you will need to build a new relationship with him. But, seriously, if you have to work so hard to build a new relationship with this man, this cheat, why not cut loose and build a new relationship with a new man?

I know lots will disagree with me, but I firmly believe that if they do it once, however contrite they are upon being 'forgiven' - then there's a huge chance they'll do it again.

I'd separate if I was you (hey, I was you!) and decide exactly what YOU want. It's easy for him to be as he is now, because he has you at home. He can lavish flowers and texts etc., but ultimately, he's got you where he wants you. You don't have space to sort out your feelings, and that's what you need.
Focus on you, and remember that he caused this, and you owe him nothing; and now you call the shots.

Good luck.

About trust - can I say that I do trust my H again, and this is because he now understands what made him so vulnerable to an affair, resolved his issues, addressed his flaws, he knows what is at stake and he has put in place boundaries that were missing before.

I have learned the signs of an affair so if there is something dodgy again, I'm off.

As for transparency, surely this should be the norm for all relationships anyway?

I agree though that one cannot monitor the other party - if he/she really wants to have an another affair, there is NOTHING you can do about it so it would be pointless in the long run (although in the early days I used to keep checking his emails/calls/texts).

As for wanting to start afresh with your spouse, this is much easier if you both had a good relationship prior to the affair.

As I have said before, you need a lot of time to process your thoughts and feelings - there is no rush.

Going through a similar thing, though not due to an affair.
Trying to retrain my brain, by every time I feel upset, annoyed etc, I remind myself of why I chose him

Going through a similar thing, though not due to an affair.
Trying to retrain my brain, by every time I feel upset, annoyed, resentful etc, I remind myself of why I chose him in the first place, or a time when he really showed how supportive & lovely he can be. It's actually working quite well, although no miracles overnight. I've moved forward by thinking, it could easily have been me that made a massive mistake, we are all human after all.
If you really want to forgive him, I do think it's possible, but takes a long time.
Good luck, you sound like a really nice person :-)

MAHC makes a really good point I think. If a relationship was good before an affair and it wasn't this that was the problem, then that seems to be a good portent for the future. I've known of lots of couples who've built a very successful marriage after an affair, but only if the person who cheated changed the behaviours that allowed him/her to cheat in the first place. And only if the faithful partner has a greater awareness of those behaviours and how enabling them in the past, was a mistake. A forgiveable one though; so little is known about affairs and how individual-based they are and how behaviours that were forgiven and even indulged were actually red flags pointing to future infidelity.

I've noticed that people who are pessimistic about the chances of recovery had no choice in the matter in their own situations, so it's understandable that the break-up of their marriages is reframed as a positive thing. And in the case of a partner who wouldn't commit to the marriage, give up the OW or wasn't prepared to learn anything from the experience, ending the marriage was probably the only and correct choice.

But that's not true for everyone. Sometimes it takes a catalyst like this for someone to change deeply ingrained behavioural traits and if that's done, everything about their lives and personalities improves. Not just the marriage benefits. People who've done the hard work and learnt a lot about themselves in the process become better parents, siblings, sons, daughters and friends to others.

OP the best advice is to suspend the decison you've got to make for a long while yet. It takes months and years for someone to change their behaviour and IMO, it's never achieved without the cheat having some personal therapy.

Has your husband done that?

I dont know, i really want to be positive here, but my story is this

My dad had an affair, he left us for TWO YEARS, i was 12.

I can see that there was very much two sides to it all, my parents weren't happy together really. They loved each other desperately, they truly did and they got back together.

I wish they didn't

I wish they were strong enough to go their separate ways - they made each other miserable. My mum could never forgive my dad and made his life a misery, i imagine hers was a bit crap to, due to insecurity.

I think you need to get some counseeling to be sure that this reconcilliation is what you really want.

I hope I do not derail, and please OP tell me if this is not what you are thinking as well...

How do you forgive and trust again - not him but yourself? Is some of the problem tat you can no longer trust your own judgement? Everything you thought/felt was false?

I know this is a problem for me and wondered if you felt this too? If so, anyone who can help with regaining faith in yourself, as the one betrayed, discarded and who was gullible and broken hearted would be useful for both me and OP I think.