Hello ladies I posted quite something on here a while back, firstly describing how DH and I had grown distant and secondly how I had found out he was having an affair, I have name changed as since he has seen me on mumsnet and he knows my user name (as does a friend) so just thought if anything is searched in my old name this may be a way to keep me hidden.
So in a nutshell I found out what he was doing (texting) and then he came clean and admitted he was sleeping with her etc, loves this OW, she gives him things I've never given him before, they talk for hours blah blah all that crap...after a week of radio silence as advised by amazing posts from many but anyfucker, charbon and madabouthotchoc really helped me see the wood for the trees so to speak, he realised he couldn't leave and has repeatedly said he wants to make it up to me for the rest of my life and become a better couple from it, he thought we had both stopped trying, and that now of course he realises what he did was totally wrong....!!
We have talked and talked and talked daily, the first few weeks were not easy....and at first he was very defensive of her, and upset when he thought of her, then after a few days he kept saying how everyday it gets easier he doesn't miss her, he realises just what the hell he had to lose with me, and it took to him nearly losing it all to realise just what we do have, and for him to realise he has always loved me and she could never compete with that. OW tried to text him, so he changed his number that day unprompted, he came home to tell me she had text him, and that he didn't reply (showed me the message on his phone) and also said he has changed his number to try and cut that angle of contact. He has stopped going to the pub (and anywhere actually) comes home from work early everyday to try and remain 'transparent' and says the thought of what he nearly lost makes him want to try and be the best husband in the world and that he plans to make it all up to me (been getting flowers, texts throughout the day to explain his whearabouts and i love u messages and sorry messages etc)
since their last point of contact I have been able to check in many many ways that he is telling the truth (i feel like a spy!) and there is truth in his actions. He also cuddles me all the time, cooks me breakfast every morning and is helping out with the kids no end, he says he thinks he made our relationship out to be worse in his head that he thought, and that when he was doing all these horrible things he said his head was "totally gone" and looking back he cant believe he could ever do it because its so out of character for him.
So yes, he is trying to make ammends big time. He has even distanced himself from some 'friends' who knew what he was doing, he is trying to make it up in loads of ways and lots more than I have listed and I feel like I am talking the the old version of him again... his head is out of this 'bubble' he was in, and he has cried, apologised and just keeps saying he wants us to work and that we will work if I can try and trust him again.
But, he lied and lied and lied to me whilst having an affair, and I just cant get my head round this. I have flashbacks, I am obsessing, I have a racing heart most of the time although I conceal it all so well inside its so very hard.
All the lies whilst he was in this different world, and the way he treated me was so horrible... do I forgive him for these things? Because he is like his oldself again its so bloody confusing. he has told me everything about their affair (I think) from beginning to end (extremely hurtful) and everytime i have a question he answers it.
I tell him daily i don't know if i can do this, even though i love him, I cant torture myself with this life of potential paranoia etc. He gets v upset about this and then says it wont happen because he's going to try his best to make it all better...
But after they 'realise' what they have done, I just don't get how I should feel, I am still so angry, so hurt and I just feel soooo confused like I cant trust anything I think.
I feel kind of stuck, not going backwards but not moving forwards either...