Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep baby of unexpected pregnancy if partner doesn't?

66 replies

heavyheart · 07/05/2012 14:42

Just found out I'm 6 weeks pregnant, and as I was on the coil, completely unxpected. I already hae kids, about t start a new job and move house, timing couldn't be worse, but want to keep it more than get rid, where as my partner has the opposite opinion.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/05/2012 14:44

Gosh I don't envy your position

If you've only just found out, I guess you two have a lot of talking to do.

I hope you can both reach a decision you agree on when you've had a chance to digest the news Sad

blackeyedsusan · 07/05/2012 14:45

if you wwant to keep the baby, do so. he should not be allowed to pessurise you into having a medical pocedue on your body.

blackeyedsusan · 07/05/2012 14:46

procedure... damn r key

RightBuggerforit · 07/05/2012 14:48

Of course it's reasonable to keep the baby you're carrying! This is not a choice your partner can make for you. Tbf he has no way of understanding the attachment and love between a mum and her unborn child, and can't really understand what he's asking you to do imo. x

AceOfBase · 07/05/2012 14:50

Yanbu. You can't help how you feel. I was in the same situation a few weeks ago where dh did not want to keep our baby but we had a long chat and I told him my reasons for wanting to keep it and he came round. Don't rush into anything. There's time to talk and decide. There may be plenty of reasons not to have the baby but if there is one reason to keep it it is that you want to, which at the end of the day I'd pretty damn important. You don't want to regret anything so please for the sake of your sanity talk it out.

catgirl1976 · 07/05/2012 14:52

Ah I'm sorry for your situation.

You do need to sit down and have a big talk. You have a lot to weigh up. As others have said at 6 weeks you have some time so don't rush into anything

Hope it works out for you whatever you decide

jodidi · 07/05/2012 14:54

I was in your position about 3 months ago, I wanted the baby, partner didn't. Most of his worries about it were practical or financial. We discusses it (loudly and at length) and he accepted that we were keeping the baby, we worked out all the practicalities, childcare, etc. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.

So no, YANBU about wanting to keep an unexpected baby. It is still your baby no matter how unexpected it was.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 07/05/2012 14:55

YANBU not at all.

My personal feelings on the matter though (and I know it's not popular on MN) is that if the man had reasonable expectations not to end up in this situation (ie you have the coil) and you choose to keep it when he is against it, I would not expect any help from him - financial or otherwise, I just don't think it's fair. If you choose to keep the baby, you choose to support that child (IMO).

There's no way I'd have a termination because the other person wanted me to - even if it brought the relationship to an end.

peanutbutter38 · 07/05/2012 14:55

we had an unplanned pregnancy last year. I was taking the pill. (and took it perfectly) I knew from the start that I wanted to keep the pregnancy, but would have been devastated if dh hadn't supported me 100%. No method of contraception is 100%. I really feel for you, I do. Our story ended well, with a gorgeous (3rd) baby we love to bits. She's totally completed our family.
Incidentally, which coil did you/do you have? Have you been to the doctor? If not you should go immediately because pregnancy with a coil in situ can be much greater risk of ectopic, and removing the coil to save pregnancy also runs the risk of miscarriage. Get some medical advice quickly regarding what your options are. This has to be YOUR decision because it's YOUR body.
I had a coil (Mirena)put in last week and was hoping it would be reliable. Am very worried after falling pregnant on the Pill.

splashymcsplash · 07/05/2012 15:52

I was in the same situation. Dd is now 19 months and no regrets!

Do what you want :)

TheSecondComing · 07/05/2012 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

splashymcsplash · 07/05/2012 15:56

chipping I do find your view rather ridiculous and bordering on offensive.

Men have a responsibility to pay child support for all children they create. If you choose to have sex then pregnancy is always a risk, no matter what kind of contraception you use.

Child support is also for the benefit of the child, so to deny it would only penalize children. Hardly ethical is it?

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 15:58

Never let anyone persuade you to have an abortion you don't want.

My mum did this to me 18 yrs ago and I still regret it now Sad.

SpottyTeacakes · 07/05/2012 16:01

Agree with peanut about going to the doctor if you haven't already. I recently had this and I was in hospital the next day having scans and the coil removed. Still high risk for miscarriage though even though the pregnancy is viable.

What exactly has your dp said? It must be a shock for both of you.

Noqontrol · 07/05/2012 16:06

I would think carefully before going ahead with a termination if it's not what you really want. The regret and guilt from that will be ongoing for a very long time. It's a difficult situation to be in, but you could find that if you went ahead with it then it is likely to cause damage to your relationship anyway.

Mrbojangles1 · 07/05/2012 16:09

SOrry but you should do what you feel I right after all you will be the one taking care of it

Known so many friends of mine who have got rid on a man,s say so only for that man to leave a couple months later and next thing you know that same man is having a baby with his new girl friend

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 07/05/2012 16:13

Splashy - the man (rightly) has no say in whether the woman has a termination or not, she (rightly) does... I do think this changes things.

I don't care whether you like my opinion or not frankly.

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 16:17

Hmm - don't think that's very fair Chipping.

Pregnancy is a risk of sex - not fair when things go wrong for the guy to be able to walk away because he has made his feelings known and the lady disagrees or doesn't feel physically/mentally able to have a termination for whatever reason.

It's called being a grown-up.

MummySunshine · 07/05/2012 16:19

Yanbu, no one can tell you what to do with your body or your pregnancy.

My DS's father was totally against me keeping my son, but I did and told him I didn't expect any help from him. DS is now 6 weeks and his father is totally involved and head over heels with him.

You won't regret your child, living with the regret of an abortion is crippling.

AThingInYourLife · 07/05/2012 16:25

The man's say happens when he decides to have sex.

The idea that men are entitled to risk free fucking at the expense of women and children is offensive.

fussbucket · 07/05/2012 16:25

I had exactly the same experience as Jodidi, but a few years ago now. I still think of what would have been littlefuss 3 on his or her due date each year, and am very glad we decided not to take steps to stop her or him coming, although I know DP was extremely relieved when nature intervened. It is a thing we will never agree on, but our love for littlefuss 1 and 2 and each other is more important.

Bestb411pm · 07/05/2012 16:33

Yanu but neither is he. Frankly he's entitled to voice his opinions and concerns but he also has to respect that you make the final decision and once you have that's the end of any discussions about it.

If he can't come to terms with that fact I'm afraid for your sake you should consider your future...

Saying that if you've both just found out I would be inclined to call a truce and not talk about it at all for two or three days, you both need to get your heads around it and if you're both defensive things get said without any thought.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/05/2012 16:40

Chipping makes a very valid point. Both had sex but only the female has the say in whether she keeps the child or not so its heavily biased.

If a woman didnt want the child she would be told its her choice, shame we dont allow the same choice for men.

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 16:42

Men do have a choice - to not have sex and the responsibility that goes with it.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/05/2012 16:45

chipping has a point. Both had sex, both thought they were protected from pregnancy, and only the woman has a say what happens next. That is hardly a fair position to either party.