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AIBU to want to keep baby of unexpected pregnancy if partner doesn't?

66 replies

heavyheart · 07/05/2012 14:42

Just found out I'm 6 weeks pregnant, and as I was on the coil, completely unxpected. I already hae kids, about t start a new job and move house, timing couldn't be worse, but want to keep it more than get rid, where as my partner has the opposite opinion.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 07/05/2012 16:46

Women have the same choice. To not have sex, or take the responsibility that goes with it.

thegreylady · 07/05/2012 16:48

Do not have a termination unless it is what you really want.There are so many emotive reasons for this but ultimately the two of you have created a new life whether by accident or design,it is growing inside your body and if you dont want to end that life then no one has the right to make you do so.
I do believe in choice but it sounds as though the op has made her choice and her dp cantexpect her to abort the child if she doesnt want to.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 07/05/2012 16:48

sensual I know. I do sit on the fence with it. But both people take the risk when they are having sex, only one of them gets a say if it results in pregnancy... that doesn't seem entirely fair either

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 16:48

And it's an easy choice is it? Hmm as easy as being able to just walk away?

Biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard. I would be extremely disappointed if any of my sons upheld those views.

GrahamTribe · 07/05/2012 16:49

I'm entirely in agreement with Chipping. More importantly, heavyheart, this is your body you're talking of and your life. if you want to keep this baby that's all that counts.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/05/2012 16:51

It is not an easy choice. But time has shown that men do walk away from their children, any time, whether they are born or not. It is just what they do.

Not saying it is right, or justifies it, far from it. There are an awful lot of shit men around, and they hide it pretty well until after a pregnancy has occurred.

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 16:54

If you are grown up enough to have sex you should both be grown up enough to take on the desicion of an unplanned pregnancy - which rightly is the woman's choice because that's the way biology is.

If a guy feels that strongly about it he should use condoms on top of another form of contraception to protect himself.

difficultpickle · 07/05/2012 16:56

I'm sorry but if a man does not want any more children then there is a simple medical procedure that he can have to ensure it doesn't happen. Instead he has put the onus of providing contraception on you and is not willing to live with the consequences when it fails.

I would discuss with him and make it clear to him that you are having his baby and would prefer his support.

difficultpickle · 07/05/2012 16:57

sensual how do you know you would even know if your sons did that? Ds's father's mother has no clue that he fathered a child and they have a close relationship.

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 17:04

I wouldn't know nessaccarily would I? I just have to have faith that I have raised them to be responsible young men.

Ironically the guy from work I had a fling with and got pg by accidentally 10 years ago is an amazing dad, has never missed a weekend and has paid maintenance religiously for the last 10 years. He comes to parents eve at school and wants to be involved.

The guy I was married to for 10 yrs and had 2 planned children with is the biggest PITA going and uses every excuse in the book to not see/have his kids, and takes no responsibility or interest in his kids lives.

Will never figure men out.

Boysrstupid · 07/05/2012 17:04

I'm 32wks with unexpected pregnancy.

My partner upped and left the day after we got BFP. He absolutely does not want another child... To be fair neither did I. I couldn't terminate, I really tried but my heart wouldn't let me.

I haven't spoken to him since early November. His position hasn't changed he doesn't want to know.

I am smitten with this baby now. My DCs are too. I broke my heart over him but ultimately have to admit the loss of him was a small price to pay for gaining my unborn daughter.

It's lonely at times. Scans are a killer on my own (I'm high risk so have plenty) I want to tell him stuff, I want him to go out and buy me Minstrels when absolutely nothing else will do. I want my daughter to feel the security of his arms & I want him to melt the first time he see's her, but thats just semantics.

I'm here. He's not. We'll cope and we'll do it with a smile because no love compares to maternal love.

You need to do what is right for you.

Sallyingforth · 07/05/2012 17:06

I have to agree with lettuce and bisjo.
If the guy relies on the woman's contraception then he must also accept her decision when it goes wrong.
To be sure of not becoming a father he must take his own precautions.

difficultpickle · 07/05/2012 17:07

sensual I am sure that ds's grandmother thinks that she did the same. You will never know about any aspect of their lives unless they choose to tell you.

heavyheart · 07/05/2012 17:07

Thanks for all your thoughts, I already have 3 kids, all of which were planned by myself and my then husband, only for him to have an affair and leave by the time my youngest was 4. My new partner is worried about money, plus I'm about to move to a new area and a new job, timing wise it couldn't of been worse. But I love my kids, and guess it poses the question that if I had known wot was gonna happen with thier dad, would I have gone ahead and had 3 kids with him? No not likely, but my kids are the most important thing in my life to me. l just feel a bit like I've been told i'm having a baby, not that i have terminal cancer or MS or something i won't recover from. I am worried about it financially, I'm not sure where i will stand with work, as I'm just about to start a new job, but i'm pretty sure i won't end up on the streets. I love my parnter very much and i know he loves me, I think his just scared, i'm hoping that given a few days apart (his working down south) that i will have time to clear my thoughts and he will have time to think too. I very much doubt if i have this baby i'm ever gonna think "I wish i hadn't of had you" cos i certainly don't about my others, but i think i would often think i wish i had been brave enough to have you if i went ahead with a termination.

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 17:08

That's pretty obvious isn't it? Hmm

I work in sexual health - believe me I KNOW there is a lot of things that people don't know about their offspring!!

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 17:09

Good luck OP.

jodidi · 07/05/2012 17:11

I have had 2 unplanned pregnancies and in both of them the man would have preferred an abortion. With dd1 I walked away, no questions asked, he has never met his daughter or contributed financially. It was a very easy decision to make and his family don't have any idea that he has a child out there somewhere (afaik)

With the latest pregnancy it would have been a very different situation, and more like the one the op is facing. I already have 2 children, we have a house together, we have plans to spend the rest of our lives together. I was prepared for him to walk away when I decided to keep the baby but I desperately hoped he wouldn't. He didn't and I am extremely glad he didn't, but keeping the baby was my choice (even though I didn't get to keep it in the end), whether to stay or walk away was his choice. I would have expected some form f financial support though as we both took the same risks and he knows me well enough to know an abortion would never have been an acceptable choice for me.

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 17:25

I mean financial/emotional support for the child I don't mean a guy should stay just because a lady is pg.

OP www.bpas.org is a good website for support and guidance.

bochead · 07/05/2012 18:52

It's a hard fact of life that men can and do walk away from their own offspring without a second glance with depressing regularity. They can choose to do this at any time between that little blue dot and the child'd graduation from Uni. There are no real societa sanctions placed upon men who choose to abdicate all responsibility for their children, no matter how much we women might bitterly complain at times.

It's not fair or right but it is what happens every day in the real world, and we need to accept that harsh reality and deal.

For this reason I very strongly feel that NO woman should ever be without sufficient skills and education to "go it alone" prior to any conception, even when the child is carefully planned by both parties.

If we want to society to change, we need to carefully evaluate how we raise our own sons and indoctrinate them with the following mantra from the cradle "you play you pay"; while all the while recognsing that in doing so we are trying to overcome hundreds of years of social conditioning that says it's OK for a man to do a runner in response to an unplanned pregnancy or relationship breakdown.

If that godawful Ched Evans case hasn't yet shaken a lot of women out of their complacency as to how women are STILL treated as disposable when it suits men, and how far we have still to go in terms of societal attitudes towards male sexual responsibility then nothing will.

Only If YOU want the child, & are prepared to go it alone should you continue the pregnancy. However do remember that you can only take total responsibility for your OWN actions as a parent in future, your partner will have to account to noone but himself for his choices. Also be prepared to accept that you may be bitterly disapointed with any choices he makes.

Don't wish for the moon (ie hope that he'll suddenly want to be the poster child for fatherhood & stay wiith you)start planning to raise this child solo in ALL aspects. (Don't rely on the state or CSA to force him to aid you in raising the child either!). It's always better to be pleasantly suprised than bitterly disapointed.

Mosman · 07/05/2012 18:55

YANBU - but think carefully, are you sure you want two children on your own ?

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 18:55

Depressingly accurate bochead Sad

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/05/2012 19:13

I agree with Chipping.

I'm not entirely comfortable with saying that, but I think that in a situation where contraception has been used, it is unfair to force a man into paying for a child when he (rightly) has no choice about having that child. He has done what he can to prevent it, it shouldn't be up to anyone else to make choices that will affect his life.

AThingInYourLife · 07/05/2012 19:22

"it is unfair to force a man into paying for a child when he (rightly) has no choice about having that child. He has done what he can to prevent it, it shouldn't be up to anyone else to make choices that will affect his life."

He does have a choice.

His choice ends when his sperm leaves his body and might fertilise an egg inside someone else's.

He knows that when he makes the choice to ejaculate inside a woman.

A woman has different choices.

But neither should have the right to leave a baby that resulted from their choices without financial support.

inabeautifulplace · 07/05/2012 19:28

That's a really difficult situation for you. I think the best way forward is to do as others have suggested; take several days to think things through and then spend a long time talking with each other about the positives and negatives of your choices. I speak as a man who's been on the other side of this equation but I can't speak for every man, not would I want to. I only hope that you can find a way to square the circle together.

picnicbasketcase · 07/05/2012 19:31

I too agree that Chipping makes a very important point. I have tried to say similar things before on different threads but usually get shouted down. There are situations where neither the man nor the woman has had any intention of having a child, have done everything to prevent pregnancy but it happens anyway. The woman then (absolutely rightly) has a choice, the man (somewhat unfairly) does not.

OP, I'm sorry you find yourself in such a situation. You need to think very carefully about how you feel about doing this alone if he really isn't going to have a change of heart. Of course it might all work out fine, he'll turn out to be dedicated and happy about this child... but it might not.

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