Insecure about dh and porn

[Foundmymojo]

I really need help to get over this issue in my head. I've recently discovered that porn is really easy to access on mobile phones now. I was being a bit naive before thinking my dh had grown up a bit by now as all his old style dvds and use of the home computer have stopped, the dvds were chucked away.

But it just turns out he has an easier and much more private source via his phone. It turns out he's using it maybe 2 or 3 times a week, whenever he's alone really. It's pretty tame, mainly searching lesbians or stockings, sometimes using mature as a search word.

I just don't know if this is normal and ok or not. I can't stop thinking about it. I am 21 weeks pregnant and our sex life is not great, I guess I feel that if he didn't use porn he could spend more time sleeping with me. I don't make much of an effort at the moment what with a nearly 2 year old, being pregnant, working etc. It just makes me feel like shit.

He doesn't know that I know by the way. I hate myself for it but I checked his internet history a couple of times the last couple of weeks. I obviously have issues. Please help.

If you take the porn out of the equation for a second, what you've got are two people who, for one reason or another, aren't making much of an effort with their relationship. If he's not showing enough interest in you then you'll feel 'shit' anyway. If you're not showing enough interest in him, he could be feeling equally 'shit'.

My suggestion, therefore, is not to admit you've been looking on his mobile but to talk, as a couple, about how you can find more time for each other, be more affectionate, and not take each other for granted. Good luck.

Just when you think porn couldn't get any more accessible, along comes iPhone and hey presto, porn at the click of a search button.

It's a tricky one to bring up because he will be fuming that you have checked his phone.

Like someone else said, take this out of the equation and try to talk about how you are feeling.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Hereigo - you have summarised exactly how I've been feeling, I do feel a lack of affection. He initiates sex less, I don't think he finds pregnancy attractive particularly. He feels more protective over me rather than turned on if you know what I mean.

Cogito - I see how it comes across as neither making an effort, but I meant I make less effort appearance wise eg wearing comfortable lay around clothes, getting in pjs early. And so I know I'm not at my most attractive which makes it hurt the more due to comparing myself with these women he's masturbating over. I do try it on and initiate sex more than him at the moment so I'm making an effort in that sense.

For those of you who said to tell him how I feel, I have had a chat this afternoon explaining I need a bit more affection, and that I'm feeling vulnerable. Let's see if it makes a difference!

Have you discussed porn with him before? Does he know your feelings towards it and how you feel uncomfortable that he uses it?

I dont think this is something you can get past you have to either like it or lump it. It really bothered me to the point that I went on his mobile network site.and turned his.parental controls on he.didnt know 4 2 yrs lol until recently and ive wrote him a letter previously sayin how shit it makes.me.feel and he didnt care 1bit so ive basically become more stronger now and no I cnt be happy in a relationship that dont make me.happy so I gave him the ultimatum and.he said he.dont plan to do it he just might 1done he has agreed not to delete his history so if I find it again he knows hes made his choice.and will.be gone and he will lose an awful lot . Another way is to have sex with.him loads to tire him out lol x

I haven't told him how I feel about it before because I think that it is me with the problem and not him, and if I did that I would be trying to control him iyswim?

JustJoanne thanks for your reply, I don't think I could give him an ultimatum, I don't think it's bad enough to end my relationship over. Im just trying to deal with my feelings. Would try more sex to tire him out, but he's not that interested that's the problem. He smokes weed as well, a lot in the evenings, and in those situations he does get frisky but Im then turned off, because he stinks and is a bit fumbly like when you're drunk. That's a whole other problem though!

He really shouldn't be smoking weed. Not only around his pregnant wife, but full stop.

Its not a whole other problem.it's probably the problem. He smoke a lot of weed every evening?

God, weed fucks your brain, destroys the neurons, numbs your emotions and makes you internally angry, seek out meaningless sex and crap in the bedroom .
It's your child or the weed. I went out with a few smack and dopeheads when I was younger. Weed was the worst as it all looked sio 'calm and cool'. Actually they ended up being the freakiest with erection problems and emotional fuckwittery.

Dump.

Just tell him 'it's not you, it's me' lol. Then pack your bags and take your baby away from his drugs. What a dopehead wanker.

Taken in isolation, a few pictures of old women in fishnets might not have been all that bad. But what you're now describing is bigger picture of an inattentive 'fumbling' man lost in his own world of drugs and sexual fantasy, and that's rather more serious. If you don't find that kind of man attractive any more that would be understandable.... I don't think many women would. Should you end the relationship? Your call. But I can't see it getting any better from here.

it sounds like youre not that attracted to him anymore, which is not necessarily your fault. has he always smoked weed? If you were previously ok with it, and now find it a turn off, then its not really his fault either.
I smoke a little bit of weed here and there in the evening so does my partner, so do a lot of people I know, it doesnt do anything as bad as limited appeal insists, just calms me down a bit. It CAN be a problem with some people however, just as any drug can or even alcohol.
I would be annoyed if the only time he wanted sex was if he was stoned, and that he rejects you. A lot of guys are weird about pregnancy sex unfortunately. Its a shame. The one time youre already insecure. The fact hes rejecting you, but looking at porn, or only clumsy fumbling when stoned would upset me. I think you need a big talk

I think you're right, the weed is the problem. It is not as bad as you might think though. He hasn't always smoked weed as spent 10 years in a job where he could be tested. But he smoked a lot when he was younger and now he's not in that job anymore he's picked up the gait again. It's not all the time, he can go for weeks. But when he does get it, he gets a large amount and has 1 or 2 spliffs a night with maybe one bigger session on one of his days off.

We are in one of those episodes now. Bloody annoying, and he knows how I feel, but when it's here he just can't help himself.

Meanwhile though, he works hard, 40hour weeks including night shifts. Pulls his weight around the house and shares care of our dd. He's a really good dad.

I think I need to weigh these things up and not necessarily end it over this. But I do need a big talk about it all. Im hoping it's a combination of the weed use and lack of time and energy together causing him to turn to porn when he's alone. And the fact he's not liking sex during pregnancy that much. I think I'll ask him when this lot of weed is gone to just stop using it and explain it's affecting our intimacy and how I feel about him.

He won't stop using it just because you ask him to. If its not drugs then its porn; these are both ongoing problems with him which you have tried to work around to the detriment of your own self worth and esteem. It sounds like he has an addictive personality. As for saying, "he just can't help himself" - well that's a cop out on your part.

He is patently not a good dad either if he is treating the mother of his children like this. Also women tend to write the "he's a good dad" comment when they themselves have nothing at all positive to say about their man.

Its not going to get any better for you and could become far worse when your second child is born.

What are you teaching your children about relationships here; is this really an ideal role model for them to be seeing?.

Attila I think thats a really OTT response if youre only going by what OP said so far, unless youre referring to something else too???

I just spoke to him about it. As usual he made me feel like the nagging wife. He argues that 1 or 2 spliffs a night don't make him really stoned. He said it's like the equivalent to a can of beer. And that if he listened to everything I say he would never get any enjoyment ever. He can be a bit dramatic with sweeping statements like that when he's feeling defensive.

I said it's affecting our intimacy, how it turns me off, how he's here physically but mentally he's different. He disagrees and feels he's just normal and can still function and do everything fine. I explained how it's not a good example to set our children. I said there's no problem having a session occasionally but I hate that it's every night, and why does he not just get a small amount every now and again.

I feel like we're no further forward. He genuinely sees nothing wrong in it. It's natural and medicinal blah blah blah.

He's made me feel that Im trying to control him. Which I guess I am a bit really.
Sigh.

I like to think of this as a bad patch. It has not always been like this.

Life is quite stressful at the moment. He does need to enjoy things and unwind.

Attila - I do have a lot of good things to say about him, there's a reason we are together and love eachother. I said he's a good dad to illustrate that he doesn't smoke weed to the detriment of our family time, or his job. I agree that take weed is an ongoing problem. I think I will be battling over things on and off to be honest. But the porn is nowhere near an addiction, and they are possibly not linked.

DinahMoHum - you say that you use cannabis so have some experience. Would you say this amount is excessive? Would it be reasonable to ask someone to do it less often do you think?

You said you would understand it being a problem if he's rejecting me and using porn and only having sex when stoned. But before this last amount of weed being bought, we would have sex normally although not as much.

there must be something in the water as i have caught my dh recently with his phone..yes i have been a nosey sod and told him what i have found...whatever the reason behind you and your dh and you have my sincerest sympathies as i found it like a kick in the teeth tbh hugs sweetheart xxx

honestly, i dont think a spliff or two a night is excessive and i agree its the equivalent to having a couple of beers, but i think it wouldnt hurt him to have a few nights off a week, or to keep it to weekends or something. I use it to help me sleep more than anything, but i sometimes like it for sex too.

My honest opinion is that the cannabis is just something that irritates you, which is ok. You wouldnt be the only one who didnt like it. Ask him to make concessions or compromise, but also ask yourself if youd be bothered by him drinking a beer in the evening too, which will help you work out what it is that bothers you about it.

The porn, well it just sounds like its a bit of a trigger, its made you feel insecure because youre pregnant and not feeling at your best and hes not paying you as much attention as you would like and deserve for whatever reason. If hes turning you down for sex, then he could at least have the decency to not look at dirty pictures. Thats not really fair, and while I dont have a problem with porn in the slightest, i think id feel a bit put out by that too.

It sounds to me as if hes got things on his mind stressing him out and hes not really speaking to you honestly about what it is. He said if you had your way he would never do anything fun. Is that how he really feels? Not saying its true, but do you think hes feeling a bit bad about his life? Maybe a good chat about how youre both in it together, and keep the intimacy and friendship up, and he needs to know that you are feeling insecure and need to feel desired even if he doesnt want to have sex as much?

You think YOU are the one with the issues? This is a man with a toddler and a pregnant wife and he's abusing drugs and getting off on watching strangers that he doesn't know who've been paid to take their clothes off and behave in a way that is objectifying to women.
Nice guy

I don't think either of these are issues I could ignore. Porn OSA deal breaker for me personally. I don't think porn is anything other the abuse and torture of women's bodies. I also think smoking every night ( or drinking every night) when your wife is pregnant and you have a small child is disrespectful. It doesn't show a commitment to his family.

The fact that he's dismissing your concerns out of hand is a massive red flag. That is massively disrespectful.

DinahMoHum - you speak so much sense. Thank you. The weed use does irritate me, you're right. We have since talked further and he's admitted to just wanting his own way, which is why he tries to make me feel guilty by saying things such as I'll never have any fun. I think he's finding things difficult, because work has taken over, and he doesn't get much time to meet friends or go out. He's more concerned about earning money and saving for us as a growing family. But then suffers with not much down time. I am the same but being pregnant Im not as bothered. And I do still manage to meet friends as I only work part time. I almost feel sorry for him!

Anyway, we've agreed that he'll offer some of this large amount to his friend, save a bit for our holiday in June, and after that make it small amounts more occasionally. We'll see if this happens!

I'll have to accept the porn as now I've talked it all through on here I've realised it's not that bad. Im feeling insecure and we're not having sex as much, these things happen I guess. I think the porn is not linked.

Wicked - thank you for sharing your point of view (genuinely) but you make it sound more extreme than it is.

Hey. I don't think the situation is as cut and dried as a lot of other posters think. OP clearly loves her DH and there are a lot of reasons she wants to stay with him and make it work, which is admirable. Ending the relationship is only the answer if it's the last resort- you don't seem to be there yet OP!!
At work we do a lot of helping men through porn addiction- studies have been done which link the reaction of the brain when looking at porn on the same level as heroin- these are the two most emotionally addictive things out there. Your DH won't be able to just stop just like that- I've never seen a lad be able to stop instantly. Also, although weed is not physically addictive (supposedly) it is massively emotionally addictive again.
I would say ur DH has a problem with emotional addiction which will only be helped by talking therapy- CBT for example. This is a common problem with men, and if we all finished with our partners for their illnesses there would be very few working relationships out there. I am not belittling the issues- weed with kids around is a big no-no and porn is massively destructive to a relationship so they need sorting- let's not totally trash they're relationship though for something they can solve.
Xxxxxxc

Thank you peachy, yes I do love him and don't feel close to leaving over this. Both you and attila talked about addiction. He has got an addictive personality, and will go through phases of doing something a lot, but he will then suddenly get over it and stop. He has a colourful past with drugs and alcohol, but at the moment he is the most settled and grounded he has ever been. It has been a long process.

I don't think he's addicted to porn though. But definitely needs somethin emotionally to unwind, whether it be alcohol or weed.

I am sorry but the porn is linked to the lack of sex - its so much easier for him to wank using porn (it is not just "looking at dirty pictures"!!) than to have a intimate relationship with his wife.

Instead of porn being used as aid to sex, it often becomes a replacement for sex. Even if you are still having a sex life, I wouldn't be surprised if the quality of sex has changed for the worse.