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Original poster

Insecure about dh and porn

102 replies

Foundmymojo · 06/05/2012 09:37

I really need help to get over this issue in my head. I've recently discovered that porn is really easy to access on mobile phones now. I was being a bit naive before thinking my dh had grown up a bit by now as all his old style dvds and use of the home computer have stopped, the dvds were chucked away.

But it just turns out he has an easier and much more private source via his phone. It turns out he's using it maybe 2 or 3 times a week, whenever he's alone really. It's pretty tame, mainly searching lesbians or stockings, sometimes using mature as a search word.

I just don't know if this is normal and ok or not. I can't stop thinking about it. I am 21 weeks pregnant and our sex life is not great, I guess I feel that if he didn't use porn he could spend more time sleeping with me. I don't make much of an effort at the moment what with a nearly 2 year old, being pregnant, working etc. It just makes me feel like shit.

He doesn't know that I know by the way. I hate myself for it but I checked his internet history a couple of times the last couple of weeks. I obviously have issues. Please help.

OP posts:
LimitedAppeal · 07/05/2012 23:16

Agree with Gurl.

Still think that bloke with the mahoosive tongue is fucking frightening lush.

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 07/05/2012 23:17

Right, am off to bed now. Not sue what to say to DH now about tongues though.....

LimitedAppeal · 07/05/2012 23:19

My son wears pink leggings.

AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 23:20

heh, LA

nice to see you "back", btw Wink

LimitedAppeal · 07/05/2012 23:21

I have no idea what you mean. Shock Blush

AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 23:27

neither do I ... < taps nose >

I have been over indulging in Gurn on Gurn

I feel dirty now, but boy it was worth it

21YrOldMan · 07/05/2012 23:29

You've probably moved on from this massively- I haven't read any replies. But don't feel guilty for being uncomfortable with your partner using porn. There seems to be this thing where women think they have to be "ok" with men using porn- you don't. Even if it's just "tame" you're allowed to feel insecure and crap about it, even if he's perfect in every other way.

margerykemp · 08/05/2012 08:44

OP- just because he is better than he used to be doesn't mean his behaviour is ok. I sincerely hope your holiday isn't abroad and you aren't considering drug smuggling.

You say he's a 'good dad' but good dads prioritise their wives and DCs over drugs and porn. He can live like a teenager if he wants or he can be a good husband and father. He can't have both.

If there is cannabis smoke in your house you will be inhaling some which will cross the placenta and be in your unborn child's bloodstream, reeking havoc on their development.

How old is he btw because he sounds very immature.

Original poster
Foundmymojo · 08/05/2012 11:36

Just want to confirm that I do not smoke weed. And those of you who are worried about the smoke- it is always outside. So I am not exposed to any of that. He's not a drug dealer. We are not going abroad and smuggling drugs. Really this has been taken out of context.

He is not prioritising it over his family, if you read some of the earlier posts he's agreed to sort it out, because he knows what's more important.

He does make me feel loved and looked after. We are still having sex, he's not directly rejecting me to then go off on his own and wank to porn. It's evident he uses it occasionally when Im not around.

I feel insecure because I lack confidence, not as a direct result of anything he does. And I have spoke to him about the porn as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foundmymojo · 08/05/2012 11:40

Just to illustrate he doesn't lounge around in bed in a sex addled haze as someone put it, he actually got up at the crack of dawn with our toddler while I had a lay i this morning.

I know this is nothing special but just saying, he functions normally not like some lazy layabout emotionally numb person you are making him out to be.

OP posts:
peachypips · 08/05/2012 12:06

Can't believe people are entertaining themselves at the expense of the OP!
Hope you are ok mojo.

Really hoping it all works out for you. My husband used to have addiction probs but he is sorted now - it doesn't make someone a bad person.

xx

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 12:39

peachy, don't you find it better that the thread goes off on a bit of a silly tangent, than a nasty argument be continued between posters ?

I know which I would prefer to see on my thread

a bit difficult to follow the thread since Dinah's simply lovvvverly personal attacks have been deleted, but believe me, a slight diversion was very welcome at that time

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 12:40

and now OP is telling us there was never any problem in the first place , so all is good Smile

Original poster
Foundmymojo · 08/05/2012 12:56

AF I'm not denying there is a problem. We are working on it.

Dinah - your earlier post I agree with. You've got to look at the actual harm and decide what is acceptable. I've decided it wasn't acceptable and he is doing something about it, we are compromising. I agree, you can't control someone completely.. I want him to be happy too.

Peachy - thanks for not writing him off straight away!

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 08/05/2012 12:58

If I knew my DP was using porn, I would be worried about what was thinking when he was having sex with me.
Was he really making love to me, or just using me instead of his right hand while imagining he was in some porn video?

peachypips · 08/05/2012 13:21

Sally I have chatted to a lot of men about the porn issue and while it seems hard to believe, most of them (if they are married or in a LTR) have no diminished desire for their OHs. It has such an addictive quality it is hard to stop. Men are so driven by sex on the whole that it is a huge temptation. However, it is very hard for the woman involved to not think she is inadequate or not living up to porn standards - natural way to feel!

Good luck mojo

margerykemp · 08/05/2012 13:27

"Men are so driven by sex on the whole" what codswollop! Stop stereotyping men! men aren't slaves to their penisis. They have brains and choices over their behaviour. Or are you one of those people who thinks it's ok for men to raoe women when they are horny? 'Cos, you know, they just cant help themselves. WTF!

wickedestsminthewest · 08/05/2012 13:37

"I feel insecure because I lack confidence, not as a direct result of anything he does"

I think this is what you want to beleive.

I suffered from insecurity from about 15 years old (first relationship) until 22 years old end of last relationship before current one) and I always thought it was me with the problem. I thought that the fact my boyfriends used porn (not excessivley but still) and that they objectified women in other ways, smoked weed, put me to the bottom of the list everytime they were having ishooos and needed to hide away in their caves etc had nothing to do with it. We are sold the fact that all of this is normal "Man" behaviour.

It's not... well, maybe it is normal. But it's not right and it absolutely destroys self esteem in a totally insideous manner.

peachypips This is purely anecdotal but I have afriend who has seen so much hardcore porn that he can't get off without having it on in the background and as a result cant have a long term relationship, only one night stands - which he sometimes doesn't even bother with as porn an easier option.

I can't beleive someone actually used "porn stars earn more than you or I" as an arguement for porn - wow.

peachypips · 08/05/2012 14:10

Wow Marg there is a huge jump from believing men are sexually driven on the whole to think that it's ok to rape women because they are horny!! Of course I don't think that - no normal person would particularly a female - get a grip!

Have you actually talked to a man about how often he thinks about sex? And have you looked at the stats that tell us how many men look at porn regularly? I deal with this all the time - it is part of my job!

I think porn is repellant and funds sexual slavery for women, kidnapping, drug crime and many other things - I am a feminist at heart. But I am not going to say that men aren't sex driven because it is a stereotype - many if not most of them actually are! I KNOW it doesn't excuse poor behaviour!

peachypips · 08/05/2012 14:12

And I am very offended to be tarred with a 'rape is ok' brush - actually find that very upsetting.

Sallyingforth · 08/05/2012 15:20

peachy
"However, it is very hard for the woman involved to not think she is inadequate or not living up to porn standards - natural way to feel!"
I don't think I'd feel that way - although the porn issue hasn't -yet- come into my experience - but for me it would really greatly demean/diminish the act if I thought he was thinking about the porn rather than about me.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 15:27

if you don't want to be tarred with a certain "brush" peachy, it's best not to use the particular vernacular < shrug >

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 08/05/2012 15:28

I'm a bit bothered by the assumption that men who use porn are addicted, although I realise that in some cases they are. I think the majority of porn users just use it because they can and because they haven't given it much thought.

I didn't find it at all hard to give up once I faced the fact that I might be wanking to sexual abuse. Neither did DP. I don't think we're that unusual.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 15:29

Porn doesn't make me inadequate, nor even feel inadequate

I think the people who need to use it, and would upset their loved ones in the process, are inadequate though

wickedestsminthewest · 08/05/2012 19:03

I more feel sad for the women involved than "inadequate" against them