Insecure about dh and porn

[Foundmymojo]

I really need help to get over this issue in my head. I've recently discovered that porn is really easy to access on mobile phones now. I was being a bit naive before thinking my dh had grown up a bit by now as all his old style dvds and use of the home computer have stopped, the dvds were chucked away.

But it just turns out he has an easier and much more private source via his phone. It turns out he's using it maybe 2 or 3 times a week, whenever he's alone really. It's pretty tame, mainly searching lesbians or stockings, sometimes using mature as a search word.

I just don't know if this is normal and ok or not. I can't stop thinking about it. I am 21 weeks pregnant and our sex life is not great, I guess I feel that if he didn't use porn he could spend more time sleeping with me. I don't make much of an effort at the moment what with a nearly 2 year old, being pregnant, working etc. It just makes me feel like shit.

He doesn't know that I know by the way. I hate myself for it but I checked his internet history a couple of times the last couple of weeks. I obviously have issues. Please help.

Glad he's come through loads and is in a good place. Addiction is so hard to overcome so he must be a strong person as well as you being a strong couple. Has he ever had counselling?

Yes you are probably right about porn = lack of sex, but I think the lack of sex, time and energy possibly came first. Also I don't know how long this he has been using it, it could have been for a while before the sex got less. Perhaps in this case ignorance is bliss.

peachy - he is a strong person, when he wants to do something he'll do it. He has never had counselling. Probably needed it in the past. He is ex army and has experienced a lot. He's admitted in the past that he thinks he probably had post traumatic stress, but dealt with it in his own way. He still thinks about some things he went through everyday. Maybe he just doesn't deal with stress very well now, in any form. He would never go for counselling though, I don't think he thinks there's a problem right now. Thanks for seeing the good in him and making me look from a different perspective.

the expectant father with one child already under his belt is a weed-smoking porn-user ?

and you are scared to confront him because you might look like a controlling nag

you need to grow a pair, love

Trust me anyfucker I'm not afraid of confronting him and have done when I've needed to in the past. I just don't particularly like to tell him what to do and give dramatic ultimatums. I know how he works in confrontations and he often needs to think about things after the initial defensive response before he understands. He needs to want to change whatever it is, rather than just doing it to please me, otherwise resentment builds up.

Have you read everything? You like one of the other posters have summarised it to sound more extreme than it is. Being patronising is not very helpful either.

It is extreme though love. It's not normal to smoke dope every night and it's not normal to use porn instead of having sex with your partner. The fact that you are worried about "nagging" him by expressing your feelings isn't a good sign.

The fact that he won't even think about counselling isn't a good sign either. The various parts of the military encourage their staff to seek counselling because soldiers have high rates of domestic violence, self-harm and violence due to PTSD.

Refusing to acknowledge there is a problem is a red flag.

you are walking on egg shells

why should you give him "time" to process that he is actually acking like a dick ?

why shouldn't he want to not do something that hurts you ?

are his "needs" < stifles cynical laugh > greater than your emotional well being ?

it appears you think so, hence you are dancing around what you actually feel, and prioritising his "right" to act like a crap father

men who smoke weed, and use porn to the detriment of the relationship with the mother of their children are crap fathers

now you can get further offended if you like and defend him, if it helps, but I speak the truth

fwiw, "love" is a northern term, not meant to be patronising in any way

I'm afraid I'm with anyfucker. We all have different levels of acceptance but I don't Believe that anyone's should be lower than mine. Does he have a real emotional problem I.e. a personality disorder that could be diagnosed? If yes then he needs to be a responsible adult and get help. If no, then he needs to grow up, quite simple.

What I also meant to say is that there is a big difference between not giving your partner ultimatums and being too "cool girlfriend" to bring it to his attention when he's being an inconsiderate arse.
Unreasonable is "be home by 9am every night and don't speak to females at all"
Reasonable is "don't spend our families money on illegal drugs and don't look at other naked women whilst having a wank when you're not even sleeping with your wife"

Honestly we have come a long way from how he used to be, and that is because of my influence on him. He has many good traits that outweigh the ones that were bad otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around, married him, started a family.

Since our conversation he has admitted it's not on, and agreed to stop every night smoking.

He is still having sex with me, it is less than it was. Partly me in early pregnancy, partly being like ships passing in the night sometimes. The porn could have been there all along. I don't like the porn or weed stuff, but it doesn't mean he has to stop completely.

Thank you for your responses though, I do know certain things are not right hence posting for advice and trying to understand his actions better. I am working on things with him.

I know you don't want to hear it, but his shit behaviour is not your responsibilty to "influence" him with

decide what is acceptable to you and take it from there

you are starting from the wrong position, IMO

responsible family men don't use weed to "de stress" and they don't prioritise porn over an intimate relationship with their partner

why is it up to you to tell him when he has gone too far ? Have you to police him 24/7 ?

personally, I would back right off and see if his actions match his words with no prompting from you

that will give you a better idea about whether this entitled man is a good future prospect, or not

Cannabis is illegal. Where does he smoke his cannabis?

Does he smoke it in your house?

Can your toddler ever breathe in his cannabis? Does your unborn baby sometimes breathe in his cannabis?

Where does he buy his cannabis from? He obviously has a drug dealer friend who no doubt supplies other higher class drugs.

You say he has recently bought a large amount of cannabis and is now going to give it to a friend. How large and how much? Your husband is a drug dealer as well as a porn user and drug user.

I am sorry but children are at risk here. Have you told your Health Visitor about this environment?

Do you sometimes smoke weed too?

theres a hell of a lot of weed smokers who do just use it to destress. Its hardly a big deal in this day and age. Dont make it out to be something it isnt just so you can try and poison more peoples relationships AF.

Smoking a spliff in the evening and doing an occasional mobile phone search for ladies in stockings does NOT make someone a bad father or a good father. It says absolutely nothing at all about someones parenting abilities.
judgemental much? wow

Dinah, this bloke is poisoning his own relationship without any help from me

you defend him though, why dontcha

ask yourself why you constantly do that though, and take umbrage when others do not

I hold the co-parent of my children to higher standards than this, thankfully

and just to remind you, Dinah (again..), you can comment on a thread without name-checking people to disagree with them personally

just state your opinion, it's quite easy to understand, really it is

well i like to allow people to have human foibles and i dont expect perfection from my partner, and tbh, i think my idea of perfection is different to yours anyway.

If i held my partner to your standards it would be a bit pointless, since i wouldnt even meet them myself, nor have i much interest in trying to.

A man in a relationship, and a man with children is still a man, is still a human, and is still allowed to retain a sense of self, and occasionally that may just mean doing things he likes to do even if his partner is not keen, and vice versa. You need to look at what the actual harm is, and whether there is any, and whether your expectations are actually a bit unrealistic or unnecessary or even a bit controlling.

I think youll find that im not actually the only one who thinks like this - not by a long shot.

Im not actually defending anyone. I dont think hes right or wrong to smoke weed or look at nude pictures on his phone. I think thats just the way it is, and it sounds like a conclusion and compromise is being reached, which is great news

Well, DH has been a parent for 22 years and has never used drugs or porn in that time, despite some very traumatic stuff in his life. But then, he's a grown up and a truly good father.

I just would not have accepted anything else and I have no idea how anyone else does really.

i wanted to say your name AF as you do it on pretty much every thread on here and i think its toxic. Youve no interest in helping people sort out their problems or come to amicable solutions. You just want to tell every woman that their man is a cunt. It must be so lovely for you in your version of utopia, but just dont assume that your way is what would make everyone happy

I cant think of many of my friends who havent smoked a bit of weed here and there, parents or not, even my own parents were hippies and grew their own. I just cant see it as a big deal, no matter how hard i try.

leave me alone, Dinah

you don't have to name check me on "pretty much every thread" you see me on

it's not necessary

you have an opinion, exercise it without mentioning me, it's quite possible

Drugs and porn are not normal in the circles I live in. Or rather they might have been when we were very young, before we married and had kids. But not when we grew up. Think you have to be more responsible when you become a parent. Also, as I grew older, I began to understand more about the porn industry. Now I won't tolerate it and DH and our two DSs know that. DH feels the same way as me and I hope our two lads are the same. Although it is their choice as they are old enough to decide for themselves.

It sounds to me like he's compartmentalising you sexually. You're the mother of his child and you're pregnant. He can't be what shall I say 'dirty' with you. He can with the porn, because it's easy to sexually objectify the women, and he can fantasize and get off that way.

So when he's not stoned he finds it difficult to approach you as a sexual being and remove that from your motherly pregnant status. But when he's doped up and relaxed, that controlling element of his mind/inhibition shuts down a little and he can allow himself to see you as desirable.

I think children make it easy to take each other for granted. It could also be that he finds the responsibility of fatherhood a challenge. People who have addictions usually have a habit because they already find dealing with life difficult. Extra responsibilities can cause an increase in their addictive habits.

Dinah, yes you have

You are doing it now, you've done it before

I think you have a problem with my uncompromising approach to what is acceptable in a mutually respectful relationship, but it would be unfair to speculate any further on why that might be

report me if you think I should be banned

Dinah, didn't you flounce about this very same subject just a little while ago ?

it's getting a bit old