Am thoroughly trapped and looking for suggestions, practical advice and support...

[HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis]

Namechanged as this will undoubtedly contain identifying information, I have also changed place names as anyone who knows me will instantly work out what this is all about. It's really long so bear with me, I understand if you can't get to the end, but I am so trapped I don't know where to turn.

I am considering leaving DH, not under the circumstances I think you'll agree, a difficult decision. But there are massive and devastating consequences for my whole family, most importantly my children, who I fear will be abducted out of spite, impotent rage and desperation.

DH is Tunisian. We met in the UK where he was living and settled in 2006. Since then we have gone in to get married (religious service, not legally bound) and have two children, aged 1 and 2. We married only when MIL gave her permission, As DH will do nothing without her approval. She asked me to move back to Tunisia with him so she wouldn't be alone and I could take care of the house. She lives with her husband and other adult son, so is not, alone, just favours her eldest child.I don't want to live in Tunisia forever, we stay for months at a time as it is, the country is hard, illogically bureaucratic, difficulties with infrastructure etc. women, are not treated well, seen and not heard. I rarely leave the house, spend 12 hours a day plus doing housework. Countless other difficulties too numerous to mention.

Being naive and trying to be accommodating (remember this is pre children) I said I would consider it provided we lived in separate apartments, DH was working and able to support us, I could work and any children could be privately educated at a part English speaking school (no where near as expensive as here btw). DH separately suggested various other accoutrements such as a car to avoid being housebound. I suppose I thought no EA or DV went without saying.

Fast forward 4 years. DC have arrived. I can't imagine them going anywhere other than our local school, DS1 has hearing problems and speech delay, in Tunisia these children are sidelined and not given any additional help, they are just held back a year, after year. The medical care is not as good, facilities such as baby changes, parks within walking distance, baby groups of any description are hard to come by.

DH and I argue pretty much constantly. It is a toxic environment. Women often say they feel like lone parents, in fact I feel being an LP would be easier. No offence to any LPs intended. DH gets out of bed around 11am. He normally sleeps in Ds1's room so I can deal with DS2's nightwakings. I am up with both children from 6.30ish trying to keep them quiet as when we disturb him he kicks off, throwing things, swearing, shouting, threats to beat me etc. if I try to take the babies out in the morning so he doesn't get disturbed I get snippy comments about how real women stay at home. Also getting clothes on, showered, bags packed makes quite a lot of noise.

He leaves the house 30mins after waking to go to his friends coffee shop until around 6pm, when he will come home for 30min and then go again until around 11pm. I will be asleep when he gets back. I can only go out for the evening if I get a babysitter, which is expensive thus rare, even then he complains about my abandoning my duties.

I fund our household on one part time small salary. Rent, bills, extras, travel, all childcare. There is little left for food so H HAS to get that. All my family and friends think he is out every night, day and weekend working which is why I am always alone. Truth is, he hasn't worked (bar 1 week, he got fired) in the six years I have known him. The childcare is crippling, H refuses to look after the children alone save for one morning a week as I just can't afford anymore nursery fees. When the children are at nursery he is asleep or with friends. I bath, change, clothe, pack bags, cook do all housework, laundry, finances, DIY, you name it, I do it. Once in a while he'll hang up soggy laundry (x1 in last year) empty dishwasher (once a month). He picks the children up from nursery at stays with them for 45mins until I get home to feed bath and PJ them.

If he wanted to be a SAHD that would be fine, but he hates looking after the children. He complains bitterly about it. And although playful and cheerful with them and meeting their most basic needs, he won't potty train DS and puts him in a nappy (he pressured me into starting and is now undermining it because he can't be arsed). Will leave DS2 in a sodden wet, but not dirty nappy.

He doesn't check DS behaviour and lets him run all over when walking. As a result DS is now a bolter andI have to have him in reigns when we go out. If I try to discipline DS he tells him it's fine and shouts at me he can do what he wants. Even if that means putting him in danger or letting him run around under others feet.

I don't want DS to grow up with no regard for others too.

He has been violent a number of times. He has a caution for harassment from the last time I tried to leave he has been arrested for assault from when I was 12weeks preg with DS1. They have a record of calls and my HV has a note. The violence doesn't really escalate. It was every 3 months or so and consists of a slap, grabs that leave bruises, shoves, face grabs.

Normally is temper tantrums involve him throwing things, smashed up phone and chewed sim card, smashed items of property, punched holes in walls, thrown toys, cups, everything at comes to hand. The violence and rage have unusually I think diminished over time in intensity and frequency.

This is because he realises the next time I have enough proof to get the police involved I'll see it through. I have kept a folder of photos of injuries from him from over the years to use when I need to/am strong enough.

The biggest problem is how is behaviour affects DS1. He is only 2 but already knows his father's behaviour is not normal. H totally lost in two weeks ago and threw a cabinet storing books and DVDs across the room. After having beaten me with pillows whilst old DS1 (not a comedy as it sounds, I mean full pelt) and telling DS1 to call me stupid, a donkey, a bitch. DS was terrified, refused to call me anything and just kept saying "daddy threw the books!" again and again. H screaming and swearing, DS holding his ears (me cuddling DS, taking him from the room H following us) as he had had an operation under GA the day before. Since then DS has been having epic tantrums. Until Wednesday morning when we were getting ready to go to nursery (DH fast asleep obv) and DS went over to the cabinet (that I had screwed back together) and said "daddy broke it, he threw the books mummy" which was heartbreaking. And then "throw it pillow daddy, hurt it mummy" I just said "I know,it was frightening and not nice, daddy's was so naughty, it's not nice to throw or break things and he is sorry". The tantrums stopped since that conversation.

Today, we went to the shops. In one shop one the way out I noticed H had given DS toys from the display and was walking out with them squashed between them (DS being carried). Not the first time. I was devastated and took the toys off DS to put them back so he started screaming. I couldn't say anything to H in case went off on one and scared DS again. In the supermarket he started eating fruit from the display, I told him enough was enough that stealing at all was disgusting, but teaching it to an impressionable child was unforgivable. He picked up the fruit, threw it at he and shouted: "fuck off its a few fucking grapes" DS started to say "mummydaddymummydaddy" as he does when voices raised. And I didn't say anything other than cuddle Ds1 and just walked to checkout and paid, to get out of there. This last incident is really an example and happens around twice a month.

If you have got this far and thank you if you have you are probably wondering why am I still with this man. Aside from the usual sometimes he can be nice and loving and the children dote on him thing, there is more. He has made it CRYSTAL clear that if I were to ever leave he would take the children and go. Back to Tunisia, which is not a convention member so I would not be able to get the children back. Which rules out contact for me.

So you think about hiding. And then how that would be, looking over my shoulder for the next 15 years, heart in my mouth every time they stay out, go to school, are late home etc. I couldn't do that. Also I have no money, it is all going on the family, every penny and the childcare. So would be in a refuge. I'd have to leave my job. It's slim picking s out there at the moment. I wouldn't be able to meet my obligations, I'd have to pull the children from nursery, move area, city everything.

I think about people who say "I'd kick him out" it makes my laugh. What if they won't leave?! You can't forcibly remove someone and with no recent allegation the police can't help (I have a lot of professional experience in the field. He won't give up the children. Ever.

You think about injunctions, prohibited steps orders, all ports warnings. None of makes a blind bit of difference. He doesn't give two shits about rules or orders. Orders are only as good as enforcement, and enforcement just isn't quick enough in a crisis such as child abduction. I have no doubt in my mind he would do it. He knows people who can arrange documents for him and is well versed in crossing borders illegally. The children would be a doddle for him.

So I stay, to ensure the children are with me. I try (and fail) not to pick fights or criticise things I know will set him off (I am not blaming myself, if I didn't criticise him or disturb him before 12pm) his tempers would be reduced to almost nil. But sometimes things must be said. The past 2 weeks is the first time DS has become properly aware of his behaviour and I have realised how trapped I am. I thoughtI could just go along with everything placidly until the children were old enough to know if they were being abducted IKYWIM.

But know I don't know. so I am asking for any solutions to an impossible problem.

H does know I am trapped and frequently goads me "leave, live your life, leave me with the children, have fun with your friends in the city, go on, you can start again, just leave them with me" it's vile. I am so ashamed to be in this situation. I will undoubtedly have points against whatever solution is raised, I have been over it myself for years and and not (totally) dim. But can someone help me work this through? I will probably drip feed and I am sorry, but this is really just the tip of the iceberg. I have been drafting this for months.

Thanks anyone, a lonely weekend with no money approaches, am at the end of my tether.

What an awful situation for you. I have no experience but just wanted to add that I'm thinking of you and your sons, wishing you the very best in your escape from this man. Keep focused on what you're striving to achieve and please stay strong. You'll be free soon and one day it will all have been worth it

Oh my gosh, CALL UKBA!!!

I didn't realise he was still married to this woman! That means he is currently here under false pretenses, and if he has submitted a citizenship application then he has no doubt lied on that as well, which is big trouble.

I'm 99% sure they would deport him, depending on whether he leaves voluntarily or not he is then banned form entering the UK for either 5 or 10 years. So even if he does return illegally, you can dob him in and he will be deported again. At some point he will run out of money and enthusiasm to keep coming back, or be chucked in jail.

Seriously, call UKBA. Or at least, see an immigration solicitor, they may know a more direct path to handling this.

That's not how it's going to work, DreamingBohemian.

If OP's partner is in the UK as the spouse of an EEA national who is exercising Treaty rights, they don't have to be living together. He remains a family member, with the right to remain in this capacity, while they are separated: it is only when decree absolute is pronounced that he is no longer a family member. Now, legally a sham marriage isn't supposed to confer these rights. But UKBA would have to be able to prove the marriage was a sham and that they never had any intention of living together as a couple. Not impossible, but not easy, and realistically not something they'd prioritise (they're used to unhappy partners ringing them trying to get people deported after falling out of love- I know that's not what happened here, but they're cynical).

There's a difference between deportation and removal. Deportation happens when a person has committed a serious criminal offence. I don't do criminal law so don't know what he could be charged with, but I'm guessing it would be one of the more 'minor' offences against the person. Someone can correct me here if necessary. If so, it isn't likely to be something that would automatically lead to a deportation order. It's worth OP reporting the offences anyway, just in case, but the odds are against it.

Also people don't get thrown into prison for long periods for entering the UK illegally- it is a criminal offence, but him being chucked in jail isn't a long term solution.

So, while I did mention action OP could take regarding his immigration status, realistically he's more likely than not to be able to remain. It still makes sense to take this action, because criminal convictions could throw spanners in his works. But she has to assume that he'll be in the UK. I don't say this to piss on anyone's bonfire, but so that OP is aware that there's only so much she'll be able to do wrt his status. The main thing she could do at the momnt is report the assaults, because any criminal conviction still outstanding will make a citizenship application fail. Doesn't curtail his existing leave, though.

OP, sounds like a decent plan. Do you need help checking your legal aid eligibility?

I can't offer any practical advice, I'm afraid, but I just want to offer my support and best wishes to you in your quest to escape. Stay strong and take all the help you can get.
I also want to say please try not to feel guilty ("I know this will devastate him and MIL who I cant stand at the best of times. it sounds so weak, but I can feel it nibbling at my conscience. I don't want to hurt him even after everything") I haven't been in a situation like yours, but I have been in relationships where I've been treated very badly and my only regret was not leaving them sooner, because I felt guilty and didn't want to hurt them (no matter how much they were hurting me).
You can't help being a compassionate, loving person, but you need to have that love and compassion for yourself 1st and foremost, otherwise cruel and predatory people will try to exploit you.
Feel strength in the knowledge your doing the absolute best thing for your kids getting out. Good luck with everything, you deserve and wonderful and happy new life.

I see what you're saying Flangelina, I just wonder if you're being too pessimistic. I myself was in the UK as the non-EU spouse of an EU national and I certainly had to prove we lived together at the time and had a real relationship. Yes you can be separated for certain amounts of time but if this guy has really not seen his supposed wife in ten years, since the day they got married, then I don't think it would be too hard to prove it's a sham. They have been cracking down on this massively in the last 2-3 years.

Also, do we know the spouse is still exercising her treaty rights?

At the very least, his residency application had to have been based on false information -- if he applied X years after the marriage, through the family route, and had had no contact with his wife since that date. That would be enough to revoke his status.

I know UKBA have to prioritise, they also are trying to remove (you're right, not deport but remove) as many people as possible at the moment to get the numbers down. If you show them a Tunisian national with a clearly sham marriage and a history of DV, whose wife is going into refuge to escape him, that's a pretty easy target.

At the very least, the OP should try to scupper the citizenship application, because that would really make things more difficult.

Yes I'm not saying it isn't worth a try Dreaming but it's not going to be easy. It sounds like he has permanent residence, as he's been married years and there's no point applying for citizenship without it. If so, it doesn't matter if the spouse is still exercising her treaty rights or not. She only needs to have been exercising them for five years, and it's not the hardest criteria to meet. Unlike the rest of UK immigration law, rights for EEA nationals and family members have become more extensive in recent years, not less. It doesn't matter if they've been separated for years, they don't have to live together AT ALL. As long as they're not divorced, he's still her family member, and that stops mattering once he has permanent residence anyway. No EEA family member is an easy target, especially not one who's perfectly entitled to be separated from his wife without it making any difference to his status.

Additionally, UKBA aren't trying to remove more people than ever. They might want to, but their staff numbers are being reduced. This is only going to have one consequence.

So if OP wants to stop the citizenship application, the best way would be criminal proceedings. But if the criminal conviction wouldn't be enough to form the basis of a deportation order, she has to assume he's going to be remaining in the UK and plan accordingly. Unfortunately the DV is completely irrelevant without a conviction.

But what if she isn't even still in the UK? That would make a difference, right?

I'm just going by my own experience with UKBA as well as my friend who got caught in a sham marriage. That was 2 years ago, he said he probably would have gotten away with it in past years but it's harder now. Maybe he was just really unlucky though.

Anyway I don't want to give false hope so thank you, I guess I've just seen UKBA at their most efficient!

If he's got permanent residence, it doesn't matter where she is.

Your friend is right in that cracking down on sham marriages is one of UKBA's new buzz phrases, and I know of people in genuine relationships who have been harassed when trying to get married, or even prevented. But the focus is more on trying to stop them happening. It's loads easier to turn up at a registry office and scare people than to gather evidence that a decade old marriage was a sham, so of course that's what they do. They're certainly very efficient when they have the bit between their teeth, yes. If he was attempting to get married just now, there'd be loads more OP could do!