Am thoroughly trapped and looking for suggestions, practical advice and support...

[HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis]

Namechanged as this will undoubtedly contain identifying information, I have also changed place names as anyone who knows me will instantly work out what this is all about. It's really long so bear with me, I understand if you can't get to the end, but I am so trapped I don't know where to turn.

I am considering leaving DH, not under the circumstances I think you'll agree, a difficult decision. But there are massive and devastating consequences for my whole family, most importantly my children, who I fear will be abducted out of spite, impotent rage and desperation.

DH is Tunisian. We met in the UK where he was living and settled in 2006. Since then we have gone in to get married (religious service, not legally bound) and have two children, aged 1 and 2. We married only when MIL gave her permission, As DH will do nothing without her approval. She asked me to move back to Tunisia with him so she wouldn't be alone and I could take care of the house. She lives with her husband and other adult son, so is not, alone, just favours her eldest child.I don't want to live in Tunisia forever, we stay for months at a time as it is, the country is hard, illogically bureaucratic, difficulties with infrastructure etc. women, are not treated well, seen and not heard. I rarely leave the house, spend 12 hours a day plus doing housework. Countless other difficulties too numerous to mention.

Being naive and trying to be accommodating (remember this is pre children) I said I would consider it provided we lived in separate apartments, DH was working and able to support us, I could work and any children could be privately educated at a part English speaking school (no where near as expensive as here btw). DH separately suggested various other accoutrements such as a car to avoid being housebound. I suppose I thought no EA or DV went without saying.

Fast forward 4 years. DC have arrived. I can't imagine them going anywhere other than our local school, DS1 has hearing problems and speech delay, in Tunisia these children are sidelined and not given any additional help, they are just held back a year, after year. The medical care is not as good, facilities such as baby changes, parks within walking distance, baby groups of any description are hard to come by.

DH and I argue pretty much constantly. It is a toxic environment. Women often say they feel like lone parents, in fact I feel being an LP would be easier. No offence to any LPs intended. DH gets out of bed around 11am. He normally sleeps in Ds1's room so I can deal with DS2's nightwakings. I am up with both children from 6.30ish trying to keep them quiet as when we disturb him he kicks off, throwing things, swearing, shouting, threats to beat me etc. if I try to take the babies out in the morning so he doesn't get disturbed I get snippy comments about how real women stay at home. Also getting clothes on, showered, bags packed makes quite a lot of noise.

He leaves the house 30mins after waking to go to his friends coffee shop until around 6pm, when he will come home for 30min and then go again until around 11pm. I will be asleep when he gets back. I can only go out for the evening if I get a babysitter, which is expensive thus rare, even then he complains about my abandoning my duties.

I fund our household on one part time small salary. Rent, bills, extras, travel, all childcare. There is little left for food so H HAS to get that. All my family and friends think he is out every night, day and weekend working which is why I am always alone. Truth is, he hasn't worked (bar 1 week, he got fired) in the six years I have known him. The childcare is crippling, H refuses to look after the children alone save for one morning a week as I just can't afford anymore nursery fees. When the children are at nursery he is asleep or with friends. I bath, change, clothe, pack bags, cook do all housework, laundry, finances, DIY, you name it, I do it. Once in a while he'll hang up soggy laundry (x1 in last year) empty dishwasher (once a month). He picks the children up from nursery at stays with them for 45mins until I get home to feed bath and PJ them.

If he wanted to be a SAHD that would be fine, but he hates looking after the children. He complains bitterly about it. And although playful and cheerful with them and meeting their most basic needs, he won't potty train DS and puts him in a nappy (he pressured me into starting and is now undermining it because he can't be arsed). Will leave DS2 in a sodden wet, but not dirty nappy.

He doesn't check DS behaviour and lets him run all over when walking. As a result DS is now a bolter andI have to have him in reigns when we go out. If I try to discipline DS he tells him it's fine and shouts at me he can do what he wants. Even if that means putting him in danger or letting him run around under others feet.

I don't want DS to grow up with no regard for others too.

He has been violent a number of times. He has a caution for harassment from the last time I tried to leave he has been arrested for assault from when I was 12weeks preg with DS1. They have a record of calls and my HV has a note. The violence doesn't really escalate. It was every 3 months or so and consists of a slap, grabs that leave bruises, shoves, face grabs.

Normally is temper tantrums involve him throwing things, smashed up phone and chewed sim card, smashed items of property, punched holes in walls, thrown toys, cups, everything at comes to hand. The violence and rage have unusually I think diminished over time in intensity and frequency.

This is because he realises the next time I have enough proof to get the police involved I'll see it through. I have kept a folder of photos of injuries from him from over the years to use when I need to/am strong enough.

The biggest problem is how is behaviour affects DS1. He is only 2 but already knows his father's behaviour is not normal. H totally lost in two weeks ago and threw a cabinet storing books and DVDs across the room. After having beaten me with pillows whilst old DS1 (not a comedy as it sounds, I mean full pelt) and telling DS1 to call me stupid, a donkey, a bitch. DS was terrified, refused to call me anything and just kept saying "daddy threw the books!" again and again. H screaming and swearing, DS holding his ears (me cuddling DS, taking him from the room H following us) as he had had an operation under GA the day before. Since then DS has been having epic tantrums. Until Wednesday morning when we were getting ready to go to nursery (DH fast asleep obv) and DS went over to the cabinet (that I had screwed back together) and said "daddy broke it, he threw the books mummy" which was heartbreaking. And then "throw it pillow daddy, hurt it mummy" I just said "I know,it was frightening and not nice, daddy's was so naughty, it's not nice to throw or break things and he is sorry". The tantrums stopped since that conversation.

Today, we went to the shops. In one shop one the way out I noticed H had given DS toys from the display and was walking out with them squashed between them (DS being carried). Not the first time. I was devastated and took the toys off DS to put them back so he started screaming. I couldn't say anything to H in case went off on one and scared DS again. In the supermarket he started eating fruit from the display, I told him enough was enough that stealing at all was disgusting, but teaching it to an impressionable child was unforgivable. He picked up the fruit, threw it at he and shouted: "fuck off its a few fucking grapes" DS started to say "mummydaddymummydaddy" as he does when voices raised. And I didn't say anything other than cuddle Ds1 and just walked to checkout and paid, to get out of there. This last incident is really an example and happens around twice a month.

If you have got this far and thank you if you have you are probably wondering why am I still with this man. Aside from the usual sometimes he can be nice and loving and the children dote on him thing, there is more. He has made it CRYSTAL clear that if I were to ever leave he would take the children and go. Back to Tunisia, which is not a convention member so I would not be able to get the children back. Which rules out contact for me.

So you think about hiding. And then how that would be, looking over my shoulder for the next 15 years, heart in my mouth every time they stay out, go to school, are late home etc. I couldn't do that. Also I have no money, it is all going on the family, every penny and the childcare. So would be in a refuge. I'd have to leave my job. It's slim picking s out there at the moment. I wouldn't be able to meet my obligations, I'd have to pull the children from nursery, move area, city everything.

I think about people who say "I'd kick him out" it makes my laugh. What if they won't leave?! You can't forcibly remove someone and with no recent allegation the police can't help (I have a lot of professional experience in the field. He won't give up the children. Ever.

You think about injunctions, prohibited steps orders, all ports warnings. None of makes a blind bit of difference. He doesn't give two shits about rules or orders. Orders are only as good as enforcement, and enforcement just isn't quick enough in a crisis such as child abduction. I have no doubt in my mind he would do it. He knows people who can arrange documents for him and is well versed in crossing borders illegally. The children would be a doddle for him.

So I stay, to ensure the children are with me. I try (and fail) not to pick fights or criticise things I know will set him off (I am not blaming myself, if I didn't criticise him or disturb him before 12pm) his tempers would be reduced to almost nil. But sometimes things must be said. The past 2 weeks is the first time DS has become properly aware of his behaviour and I have realised how trapped I am. I thoughtI could just go along with everything placidly until the children were old enough to know if they were being abducted IKYWIM.

But know I don't know. so I am asking for any solutions to an impossible problem.

H does know I am trapped and frequently goads me "leave, live your life, leave me with the children, have fun with your friends in the city, go on, you can start again, just leave them with me" it's vile. I am so ashamed to be in this situation. I will undoubtedly have points against whatever solution is raised, I have been over it myself for years and and not (totally) dim. But can someone help me work this through? I will probably drip feed and I am sorry, but this is really just the tip of the iceberg. I have been drafting this for months.

Thanks anyone, a lonely weekend with no money approaches, am at the end of my tether.

How does he fund his current lifestyle?

If you stay with him and continue to visit "Tunisia" are your DC not at higher risk of abduction in a sense because he could insist on no return to the UK on one of your extended visits and make your life such misery that you would be ground down to leave alone?

There is surely a possibility that, if you leave in this country such a self-entitled, lazy, waster of a human being would give up the fight quite soon and possibly find himself a woman from his own culture to marry and control and dominate children with?

Meanwhile, if you do nothing, could you at least access some counselling from a charity that could help you start to work on that "accommodating" side of you that you describe which actually seems to have meant that you have had such a low opinion of what you are worth and what you can expect from another human being?

Very sorry to hear of the hell that you are stuck in.

Imperial he can get fake passports and has no problem with evading border control, he entered illegally and knows plenty of people who travel backwards and forwards on a variety of documents. I have nearly no confidence that border control could stop it.

YY to stoner. I find the evidence of hash smoking in the car. My car I mean, the one I paid for over five years, that he took off my, drove into mechanical disrepair and accrued £7ks worth of tickets I can never ever pay in my name.

brie I have access to all documents. He keeps quite a close eye on passports, but they are easy to get too. He is out all day every day.

fetch thank you for kind words. It means A LOT.

pchip has it exactly. Exactly. He frequently tells me his mother should be bringing them up. And that is exactly what he would want, and she'd support him in it. He would justify the abduction by saying that he was bringing them up in the right culture. His mother would immediately find him another wife. They have discussed it before I think.

How has he become a 'permanent UK resident'? Is he receiving benefits/JSA?

fool ooooh the marathon visits. I wouldn't miss those. Fortunately we can't afford it at the moment. And yes, I would have to out into place plans here and not go back there. Ever. A change in the law now means I don't need his permission to exit as they are dual nationality. Reapplying for the UK and Tunisian passports are the least of my worries though, I can get court order that stop that that don't depend on him monitoring his own behaviour.

Olympia there are some reported incidents. Two, I think.

He entered illegally.... But is now 'legal'??

Izzy he is married to an EU national with whom he had a business type marriage (met her for 6 hours 10 years ago) got residence through marriage.

He is receiving JSA. He has given me £50 of it for food and socks for the children in 3 months. The rest goes on coffee cigarettes and petrol I should imagine. He does do some food shopping.

Olympia our immigration system is like a leaking sieve.

He married before a cert of consent was required. The rules for marrying an EU national are far less onerous than a UK national because it is EU law, not UK, oh and free, but that's by the by.

As someone else said, you are investing so much power in him. You also seem to worry about what others will suffer from the fallout - that is good hearted of you but I'd say, let the other adults take responsibility for themselves.

If you leave, it is uncertain what will happen, but as I and others have said above, staying gives no certainty that you will not be pushed out or worse at some point.

If you stay, the future is certain, you will work your fingers to the bone for him to sit about stoned, probably sleep with other women and generally do nothing but take out his inadequacies on you. You will be physically and mentally abused by him. Your DC will probably come to form very unhealthy relationships themselves as a result of growing up in this.

Sorry, this probably sounds very harsh. Don't mean to be unsupportive just trying to show that you staying to be abused is no guarantee that it will keep your DCs with you and safe.

Just a quick question. You are hesitant about going into a refuge, and fear fake passports and birth certificates could be easily gained . However, if he is saying things like his mother should be bringing them up, and wanting to bring them up in his culture, you will always have the risk one day he will decide to do that , whether you are living with or without him . If he has a close eye on them, it is likely he is thinking about it anyway, and may act whether you stay or go. Therefore would it not be sensible to go into a refuge , and at least have some protection ?
I am not saying it will be easy , or that it will stop him. But it will at least prevent him . If he is shown to be a flight risk , and you gain a solicitor, access to the children could be through a contact centre to prevent him having the chance to take the children. You may be in a difficult position, but sadly it looks like it could erupt either way.

Do you have any proof of his illegal entry and false marriage?

Surely if you get yourself a good distance away, with the kids and all the paperwork, then report the DV, immigration and fake marriage issues to the police he will be in such deep sh*t there will be no chance of him being allowed to stay in the country, let alone track you down and make a nuisance of himself.

BTW it can be very quick and straightforward to get an injunction to stop him harassing your mum - see if you can get a free appointment with a solicitor - it would probably be very helpful and give you a lot of confidence.

And finally, on a rather harsh note (sorry) - if you stay and your DS's continue to see their father's example, how will you feel in twenty-odd years time when you see them treating their partners and kids the same way?

Olympia re solid proof, I have comtemporaneous notes and photos of bruises and huge red blot where he threw a size ten at my ribs. Three incidents reported, one harrasment caution and noted by HV so some corrobative information I hope.

I know I am worth more, believe me, I just dont know how to get their ensuring mine and the childrens futures. Oh he's back I think. Will check back tomorrow, thank you all so much for believing me, it sounds so ridiculous I thought I might be called a troll.

God what an awful situation to be in OP.

I think you and your DCs need to get as far away from him as possible.

If you can't work for a couple of years then so be it. You will make new friends wherever you go and will build up a support network.

You can't continue like this, it's no life for you and your children :(

Why don't you start by putting your friends and family straight and tell them he hasn't worked in 6 years.

Is he still married to the other woman?

You need proper advice, you need CAB, WA, and anyone they suggest you contact. You will be able to get away, far away, and yes you'll keep him away from you.

You are here, people are here to help you. You find the opportunity and you go for it. Your DC are being abused in all this, this situation has to stop in any way it can be stopped. You'll need multi-party intervention.

I think you need to think of the effect he is having in your dc & get the hell away from him.

It's a no brainer....when he leaves in the morning, get the kids passports, shove as many clothes as you can & get to the women's refuge. Escape while you have the Dc's & start a new life.

You can get an injunction to stop him harassing co-workers, family and friends. He is not above the law, he is not all-powerful, he;'s just a nasty little drug-addled shit who can be put in his place (and quite possibly deported).

I don't have any experience of your situation and I can well imagine that the obstacles to you leaving seem insurmountable at the moment. You are undoubtedly in a very tough place.

But please talk to the women on here who have been in your situation and have left...call women's aid, speak to CAB. There is help and support out there for you - take it. Nobody is going to force you to do anything until you are ready, but you need support. Posting here is a good start.

I think Eurostar hit the nail on the head when she said you seem to be worrying about everyone but you. I am sorry your Mum is ill, but you staying and getting the crap beaten out of you and the soul sucked from your life will not make it better. It's not your responsibility in life to make her happy.

Please also be aware that your DC will learn from your relationship. They will learn that men beat women and that women stay. Please think about that - and please get some help. This isn't a life.

My heart goes out to you...
Your post reminds me of a friend i had about 20 yrs ago. Her husbnd was fron Tunisia. She had 2boys. Her husband was like yours but more DV. The reason she left in the end? Not when he broke her fingers or arm but when he he started beating her boys. Your husband has already hit your 2 year old. As your children get older they will become more difficult to keep quiet/ out of the way.
My friends boys started to speak to her as the father did, they would call her bitch etc, the father would encourage them to. The children were physically & emotionally damaged by witnessing the physical & verbal abuse of their mother.
She couldn't bare the idea of going into a refuge, losing her job, friends & family. She eventually made a plan to escape. Told no-one, not even her parents where she was going. None of her family realised how bad the situation was, so she wrote letters to all the people she knew he'd contact, she posted them the morning she left.
She hid money away for months, sometimes only a fiver a week. She did the usual with the passports, birth certs etc.
Your very clearly an intelligent women, you clearly love your children so if nothing else please think about your lovely children. Homes,jobs & friends can change. You will only get one chance to bring your children up, they will only have one childhood. They deserve a happy and safe childhood. You deserve to be happy & safe too.
I appreciate your scared but in a relatively short time you could be in a much better place in every respect. Be strong, even though you must be so exhausted. You can do this, you know you can.

Look after yourself and your children.
Take care...

But this is how it feels in an abusive relationship. Like we can't leave because of x y and z. In sure there will be organisations out there who support relationship breakdown with similar cultural risks. I think you need specialist advice x

SORRY... you didnt say he hit the 2 year old, he frightened him....SORRY!!! I need to go to bed.

Again, take care...

I think you have a couple avenues to pursue here.

If you have any proof re his EU marriage, you could try to get his residency revoked. I know someone who was deported because of this, they really do pursue these cases.

How serious is his drug use? Enough to interest the police?

It is not that crazy expensive to get a hidden video camera setup. If you had the latest incident on video with the bookshelves and the hitting he would probably be in jail right now.

This may sound harsh but: at some point in the not too distant future, your DC will be able to tell people outside the house what's going on. Your son could go to nursery and tell people he saw daddy hitting mummy. Basically at any moment SS could get involved. I understand you are trying to protect your DC from being abducted but that is NOT an excuse for failing to protect them from abuse, not when there are options out there to protect you from the abduction.

You need to start talking to a lot of people and finding out what your options are. Yes a refuge would be tough, do you think it's easy for anyone? At the moment you are raising your DC in an abusive environment, nearly anything is better than that. I'm not discounting your fears, I'm sure he can get fake papers etc., but you have not even begun to exhaust all the options for dealing with him.

You obviously need to be really clever here but at least start talking to some professionals and find out what you can do.

Also, even if, worst case, he does abduct them back to Tunisia, there are private options for dealing with that. I know someone who works for a private security company, he just came back from dealing with a family abduction case in Algeria.

Obviously that would be the ultimate worst case scenario, but just to say that even if every other element of your safety plan failed, there would still be an absolute last-ditch option.

Look after your babies OP. Go to a refuge. Take it from there and stop second guessing/procrastinating.

You are right to be worried about his abducting the children. The UK Border Force have stringent checks on those entering the UK but there are no routine checks on those leaving the UK. As you point out, even if the authorities were to stop him from getting British passports for them, he could quite easily obtain passports for them from his own Embassy, no questions asked.

You are spot on to think that his ultimate plan is to take the children to his home country where they will be raised as "good Muslims" and brought up by his mother.

There is no point reporting him to the Home Office regarding the sham marriage to the EEA national. In the highly unlikely event that they revoked his status, he would be able to apply to stay on the basis of long residency/having kids here.

You sound very realistic. I don't think you can put your faith in the authorities at all unfortunately. I don't think others on this thread quite appreciate the disregard that people like your husband have for the authorities.

But I do agree with others that you should leave with the children and go to a refuge. It would mean giving up everything and losing everything but that would be a small price to pay for regaining your freedom. If I were you, I would go to the other end of the country, change my name and the children's completely. There must also be groups you could contact - women who have been in similar positions to yourself who could support and advise you.

I was married to a Turkish man many years ago and would have been in your position had we had children before I left him although with all respect, he wasn't as bad as your H.

I hope you find the courage to make the right decision for you and your family and wish you all the best.