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Original poster

Not sure if this should be a dealbreaker

80 replies

ArthurandGeorge · 04/05/2012 20:07

Dp is crap with money. This has caused tension between us before. He also has his own business which isn't doing well at present but to be fair to him this is as much what is going on for everyone in his trade as his own ability.

He owes 5k on credit card. He asked dfil to lend him the money to pay it off, with a plan to repay dfil whi dfil was happy with. He assurred me that this was what he would do with the money and dfil checked the plan with me before giving dp the cheque.

He has spent it on a car, which he claims is really cheap and he can easily sell at a profit.

I am absolutely furious with him and dfil is very upset. I told dfil as soon as I found out but dp does not yet, I think, know that dfil knows iyswim.

He states that at the point of asking dfil for the money and getting me to agree to the plan etc he didn't know about the car.

I feel that I can't trust him at all.

The issue isn't so much the money as the lies and I feel like he used me to lie to dfil. Really upset.

We are meant to be getting married later this year.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 05/05/2012 08:47

Another one saying dealbreaker, I'm sorry. :(

PooPooInMyToes · 05/05/2012 08:48

Soup! That's awful! Did you end up paying it all back?

HairyGrotter · 05/05/2012 08:48

Total dealbreaker for me. He has acted in a very selfish, irresponsible and deceitful manner, all of which I couldn't live with let alone marry.

I had a partner who was so stupid with money, it's horrible, especially when they can't see WHY it would be upsetting or worrying!

WineGoggles · 05/05/2012 08:51

Deal-breaker as far as marriage is concerned because, as far as I?m aware, legally you?ll end up part of his mess if you marry him, and he has history of being ?crap with money? (irresponsible in other words). Whether it?s worth staying with someone like him and staying unmarried depends on how much you want to be a wife and whether he can understand why you?re so angry. He should definitely have spoken to you and his Dad before using the borrowed money on something other than the intended purpose, and he needs to sort his attitude to money out. I can see why you?re so pissed off.

ToothbrushThief · 05/05/2012 08:54

Deal breaker.
My ex did this sort of thing and eventually went bankrupt. I felt like I was constantly listening to his excuses/descriptions of why it was such a good plan... (whilst making twatty financial decisions) and meanwhile I ran after him on a financial rollercoaster paying off his debts. I divorced before bankruptcy but still ended up with financial loss

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 05/05/2012 08:57

It would be a deal breaker for me too. Sorry :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 08:57

@MushroomSoup... I was also left with big debts but they would have been far higher if I'd not insisted that he kept personal debts (£20k back in 1990) well away from any joint finances.

It's why I bang on about women in long-term relationships maintaining a degree of financial independence, especially if they opt to be SAHMs. Keep a bank account, demand an allowance, get a job, save up a bit of cash and keep it close. Financial incompetence can so easily turn into financial abuse and it is so incredibly common as to be a real possibility. If the 'DP' is still just a boyfriend... you can get out.

nutellaontoast · 05/05/2012 08:58

I met a lovely lady whose husband took out massive debts in her name without telling her.... and wouldn't disclose what for either (gambling?). And when she found out that was the end of that marriage. I think she might have been left with the debt too.

If he can do it to his dad I'd have thought he'd have no compunction about doing to it to you. I'd postpone the wedding at the very least, and make damn sure all your financials are seperate.

QuickLookBusy · 05/05/2012 09:15

It isn't the fact he is useless with money, lots of people are but they generally admit it, allow their partners to have more control over the finances and are glad they have someone more sensible with money.

Your partner has lied to you and his father. He has used money meant to pay off his debts for something else. Sorry but he clearly has no respect for you or his father. He is stupid enough to think he knows better than both of you and is ignoring the fact he had a chance to get his debts under control.

ToothbrushThief · 05/05/2012 09:18

It's quite hard to avoid getting sucked into crap money managers 'get rich' schemes. They lie for one. They also imply that it's you stopping the get rich scheme being a success if you don't 'release' this one bit of money to enable it to be.....

(Sounds lame and dead easy to avoid now I write it)

It is as Cognito says, financial abuse and like much abuse it's insidious and doesn't come with a big banner warning you. It's only with hind sight you think what an idiot I was

Totally agree with Cognito about financial independence. I will never ever again be at the mercy of someone else's financial ability.

The ironic thing is that I am actually very good at money management (skills honed whilst propping up a profligate ex). I will now benefit from that

Original poster
ArthurandGeorge · 05/05/2012 09:57

Thanks for all of the advice. I have talked it through with my oldest dearest rl friend who was Shock at it.

We have two lovely dc aged 6 and 2.

I found out about this on Monday. We haven't spoken about it since as he hasn't come home until really late every night, I think to avoid the inevitable discussion.

I am utterly devastated at the thought of the implications this has for them. Why can't he see this too?

OP posts:
Original poster
ArthurandGeorge · 05/05/2012 09:58

Financially, luckily, I can manage without his income.

OP posts:
KlickKlackknobsac · 05/05/2012 10:05

I disagree.
If you can get him to understand your POV.
Take control of finances and he shows he can accept this.
Then you may have a chance.
Not sure how old you are, but ime some blokes view these issues very differently to females. Esp when a car is involved.
If this is the only major problem, it is surmountable. Esp considering you have kids aged 6 and 2.
Maybe delay the wedding until he has proved he can allow you control.
If he is unwilling then I agree that this is a dealbreaker.
But the fallout of divorce on kids may be more significant than the difference of view on how to manage money in the long term.
Lots of people here telling you to dump him without any other knowledge than your short post is possibly not the best way to decide such a huge thing ArthurandGeorge.
I would tell him your thoughts and show him this thread.

KlickKlackknobsac · 05/05/2012 10:07

Also depends on whether or not you love him....

KlickKlackknobsac · 05/05/2012 10:08

sorry NOT divorce, but separation (you're not yet married of course!)

MardyArsedMidlander · 05/05/2012 10:27

Total deal breaker for me too, I'm afraid.

I ended a relationship with an otherwise lovely funny sexy supportive man- because it was ALWAYS about the next get rich scheme and I ended up seriously in debt and nearly had the house re-possessed. It's taken me two years to get anywhere near financial stability- and I'm utterly broke and paying bills off. And the bailiffs and demand letters for him still come to my address Sad

ENormaSnob · 05/05/2012 10:29

Massive deal breaker for me.

If you don't want to leave him then please do not marry him and do keep separate finances.

ToothbrushThief · 05/05/2012 10:31

Take control of finances and he shows he can accept this.
Then you may have a chance

I 'took control' of our finances because he landed us in a mess every month. This moved us into a new stage where I acted like a parent to a teenager who constantly spent, denied it, pleaded the necessity of it, promised to change and because I loved him I wanted to believe it ....... then did the same next month.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 10:32

"Take control of finances and he shows he can accept this"

If the only way a woman can get a man to behave like a grown-up is to relieve him of his responsibilities & take them on herself, how is that resolving anything? I tried it in my own marriage and quickly realised that any attempts to 'be the grown-up' in the relationship simply made me a target for resentment & rebellion.... even if it had originally been accepted.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 10:33

x-posted.

KlickKlackknobsac · 05/05/2012 10:34

mardyarsedmidlander your experience sounds awful, but OP describes someone who is crap with money and bought a car whilst lying to her and dfil. Not exactly the same. I think she could turn this around if she explained why and what she wants. But it involves her taking control and him letting her. If he does not agree then a dealbreaker.

ToothbrushThief · 05/05/2012 10:36

Cognito - :)

ToothbrushThief · 05/05/2012 10:40

OP I am utterly devastated at the thought of the implications this has for them. Why can't he see this too?

I feel for you. I really do. I never wanted to be divorced. I avoided the 'implication' by ignoring it or trying every other possibility going to avoid the inevitable.

My teenage (by this time) children have told me they wished I had divorced. I wish I had.

I have a good life. My DC have a good life with me. I am solid and secure in their lives. Sadly they haven't got a father who is. He was probably better when married because I hid the worst, propped him up... however it took it out of me and I was a worse mother for it.

I feel free to be the best mum possible now.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/05/2012 10:57

Just dont marry him, whatever you do. Try to keep your finances separate. If I were you I was start saving money and prepare for life without him. And if he does turn around and change (though I doubt it) you have a nice "education fund" for your children. (Just dont tell him!!)

ENormaSnob · 05/05/2012 11:15

Massive deal breaker for me.

If you don't want to leave him then please do not marry him and do keep separate finances.