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Original poster

What do I do - toxic parents keep putting MIL in a very awkward situation?

57 replies

bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 10:34

We asked my stepmother and father to stop contacting us last year after a long history of trouble with them. We tried everything to find a way around this but things were getting worse and worse with every interaction, so after a lot of soul searching I asked them to leave us completely alone until they are ready to actually sort things out with us, rather than keep doing abusive and hurtful things and then gloss over them and pretend that nothing happened. Since doing that we also moved house.

My SM was determined that she was going to carry on sending cards and money even though we asked her not to. When she realised we moved she started to send things to my MIL's house. Not only do I find this incredibly disrespectful, but it puts MIL in a very awkward situation as she's seen how upset I get every time she passes these things on.

My SM has absolutely no qualms about using people or putting them in an awkward position so long as she gets to plough on and do what she wants. I've just received an anniversary card, again forwarded from MIL and I don't know what to do about it. I'm tempted to just give them our address so that it takes MIL out of the equation, but then it's like she's won with her high handed bullying tactics. Unless I return it to MIL and ask her to return it to them and ask them to stop doing this, but she won't; she lacks confidence at the best of times and has recently lost her husband so it's really not fair to put her in this position.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/05/2012 10:36

If you feel that strongly about it ask MIL to put 'return to sender' on the envelope and put them back in the post-box. I'm sure she won't mind.

margoandjerry · 04/05/2012 10:40

I think this is in your hands isn't it? Calmly take the things from MIL and dispose of them as you wish. Or just tell MIL to leave them all piling up in a drawer and you'll pick them when you are at her house.

I think you are creating a drama that involves MIL when as you say, she should not have to be involved.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 10:40

I ask her - but I wouldn't be surprised if she won't in case she offends them. Sad

OP posts:
Saltire · 04/05/2012 10:41

I was about to post the same as Corgito - get your MIl to write either "not known at this address" or "return to sender" on the front of the envelope and pop it in post box

pinkpyjamas · 04/05/2012 10:43

I think I might give them the new address and then return all items from them myself.
This would take MIL out of the loop, and make it clear to your SM that you truly want to sever all ties.
I agree with you that it is unfair to expect your MIL to be involved.

chipmonkey · 04/05/2012 10:44

Agree with Saltire.

Sallyingforth · 04/05/2012 10:45

Or better still, collect them from MIL and return them yourself 'not known at this address'

NaughtyElephantsSquirtWater · 04/05/2012 10:46

No advice OP but am watching with interest as we are in a similar position. We are due to move in the summer and won't be passing our address on to my parents. However I know that MIL will be asked for our address and she won't know what to do in the situation to not offend anyone.

DuelingFanjo · 04/05/2012 10:47

If it were me I would take them from MIL and then send them back as 'not known at this address'.

Or would that still put MIL in an awkward position? Are they addressed to you or to MIL?

HeathRobinson · 04/05/2012 10:47

Ask mil to put the stuff in a drawer.
Get some printed labels with 'not known at this address' and 'return to sender' and just do a mass mail back when you see mil.
They might get the point more if a whole load of stuff comes back at once.

Or could mil have a word with the postman/sorting office so none of it is actually delivered to her address?

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 10:47

I think I might ask DH to talk directly to SM as she might be more likely to listen to him. She has absolutely no respect or regard for anything that I say. Failing that I suppose we'll have to pass on our address but I really resent this and feel like we've been bullied into it.

I don't understand why they can't either take responsibility and sort things out, or just be honest about the fact that they don't give a shit about any of us and stop with the ridiculous pretence of sending things.

OP posts:
Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 10:50

The problem is that MIL only lives about 40 mins away from them, and at Christmas they went to her house to drop things off and I guess they'll do the same for the kids' birthdays, next Christmas etc etc.

It really takes the joy out of every occasion as it stirs up bad feelings and arguments.

OP posts:
Saltire · 04/05/2012 10:50

Make up an address Wink

squeakytoy · 04/05/2012 10:50

I asked them to leave us completely alone until they are ready to actually sort things out with us

I don't understand why they can't either take responsibility and sort things out, or just be honest about the fact that they don't give a shit about any of us and stop with the ridiculous pretence of sending things

How are they meant to "sort things out" though, if they cant contact you????

HeathRobinson · 04/05/2012 10:51

Could you send a letter to SM saying that whatever is sent to mil's house is going straight in the bin/donated to charity?

HeathRobinson · 04/05/2012 10:52

Ooh, sneaky, Saltire. Grin

SarahStratton · 04/05/2012 10:53

Collect them from MIL, and in front of MIL write 'return to sender' on them. Tell MIL she is very welcome to do the same. Otherwise just collect and shove back in the post.

Or make an address up, maybe use the local recycling centre's address.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 04/05/2012 10:58

Could you set up a divert for anything with your name on? You could then keep mil out of it and after 2/3 months they'll get the message

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 10:58

squeaky - they could phone, they could email. If they gave the slightest shit about us or their GCs they would do this. In fact it would never have got this far - they've seen children once in 18 months and that's because we took them there. This is all of their choosing.

NaughtyElephants - sorry you're in the same situation. Sad

OP posts:
ifeelloved · 04/05/2012 10:59

Return to sender

GoPoldark · 04/05/2012 11:02

Definitely don't give them your address.

I presonally think the best thing would be to just take the stuff from MIL and try and get hardened to it. What your SM wants is a reaction, presumably - getting stuff by return to sender might give her that - you are replying to her. So if you can steel yourself to simply receive what's been sent from MIL, smile at her, thank her for being understanding, and lob the stuff straight in the bin, then what will eventually happen is your SM will just get sick of wasting her time and money.

squeakytoy · 04/05/2012 11:05

But you asked them to stop contacting you... so to be honest, I am confused.

If they didnt give a shit, then surely they wouldnt go to the bother of sending cards and presents to the children.

Obviously there is a lot of backstory to this, which may make it clearer as to why you dont want contact.

Do you give the presents and money to the children, or do you return it?

TheProvincialLady · 04/05/2012 11:07

This isn't really your MIL's responsibility. She's lost her husband and is not confident, and you need to control your reaction to these letters etc in front of her. Tell her you are no longer bothered. Collect the letters from her and return them marked Return to Sender Not Known At This Address. Don't get your MIL involved. If you can get the post office to redirect them to your father/stepmother, or to your home address where you can burn them or throw away unopened, so much the better.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 11:08

The whole thing is so fucking awkward, because on the one hand, if I don't hand over the money they send to the kids, they can turn around and make me the bad guy. But if I pass everything on and tell them it's from their grandparents, then DS1 starts asking about them, and why can't we see them, and what do I say? Grandad and Grandma hate your mum because she reminds them of your other Granny who you love? Grandad was violent with your mum and now tells everyone she's a big fat liar?

OP posts:
MrsSquirrel · 04/05/2012 11:08

If it were me, I would just bin them. You obviously don't want the stuff, receiving them stirs up bad feelings. Ask MIL to stick them in a drawer for you, as others have suggested. Then when you are visiting, collect them from MIL and bung them in a bin/recycling on the way home.