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Original poster

What do I do - toxic parents keep putting MIL in a very awkward situation?

57 replies

bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 10:34

We asked my stepmother and father to stop contacting us last year after a long history of trouble with them. We tried everything to find a way around this but things were getting worse and worse with every interaction, so after a lot of soul searching I asked them to leave us completely alone until they are ready to actually sort things out with us, rather than keep doing abusive and hurtful things and then gloss over them and pretend that nothing happened. Since doing that we also moved house.

My SM was determined that she was going to carry on sending cards and money even though we asked her not to. When she realised we moved she started to send things to my MIL's house. Not only do I find this incredibly disrespectful, but it puts MIL in a very awkward situation as she's seen how upset I get every time she passes these things on.

My SM has absolutely no qualms about using people or putting them in an awkward position so long as she gets to plough on and do what she wants. I've just received an anniversary card, again forwarded from MIL and I don't know what to do about it. I'm tempted to just give them our address so that it takes MIL out of the equation, but then it's like she's won with her high handed bullying tactics. Unless I return it to MIL and ask her to return it to them and ask them to stop doing this, but she won't; she lacks confidence at the best of times and has recently lost her husband so it's really not fair to put her in this position.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 11:12

Squeaky - they send stuff so that they can be seen to be doing "the right thing". Everything with them is all about what people think of them and how they are perceived. Any nobhead can stick a tenner in an envelope twice a year but they won't get off their arses and see their grandchildren (despite banging on about what brilliant grandparents they are and how much they love them.) They have flown round the world 3 times in the last 12 months to see my brother and his new baby (because he lives somewhere that makes a nice holiday), they go on holiday nearly every month, they spend every weekend shopping or drinking or watching the football but they won't spend 90mins in a car to see us. We lived a mile round the corner and they were the same then. They can't be arsed but want to make it my fault so that they can make out they're so perfect and hard done by.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/05/2012 11:14

It sounds like you have reasonable grounds to not want to see them, and as you have also told them you dont want to see them, then you cant get mad because they dont come to see you!

Just send the stuff that they send back to them.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 11:16

squeaky we only told them that 6 months ago. There's 5 years before that where they didn't bother, which is why we decided what we did.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2012 11:20

Hello again Bint,

I see this lot are still at it aren't they?. Am I surprised - not in the least. This is all about power and control, always has been. The only thing that is going to perhaps stop them completely is for you to actually seek an injunction re them from a Solicitor.

Ask MIL not to pass on these items to you, she can see how upset you are on receiving such things. MIL can dispose of the correspondence as she sees fit.

Re this comment:-
(my responses are underneath)
"I think I might ask DH to talk directly to SM as she might be more likely to listen to him".

NOOOOOO!!. You are forgetting here that these people will not and do not play by the normal rules governing familial relations.

"She has absolutely no respect or regard for anything that I say. Failing that I suppose we'll have to pass on our address but I really resent this and feel like we've been bullied into it"
DO not pass on your address under any circumstances. People who are toxic and dysfunctional do not have any respect or regard for anything that you or your H say. These people are not acting as emotionally healthy human beings. You both did not make them this way, they are choosing to act like this.

"I don't understand why they can't either take responsibility and sort things out, or just be honest about the fact that they don't give a shit about any of us and stop with the ridiculous pretence of sending things"
Again the above response applies here. You cannot apply logic to those who are dysfunctional. Its also about power and control and they want approval from others. Self absorbed people like your Step MIL and Dad (who has chosen this witch over you so he is not blameless in all this either by any means) are never going to listen to any reasoned argument you would care to put forward to them.

Re the money for the children, the children are presumably not aware that funds are being given to them. DO not give them this money from them. They're trying to BUY these children; its yet another tactic that toxic parents use, yet more manipulation and this time they're diecting it at the children. Its another low point.

Re-read toxic parents if you have not already done so.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 11:21

I'm wondering if it's worth writing a letter re-iterating what we said? Although I'm guessing that they'll ignore that like they do everything else.

OP posts:
alwaystheblacksheep · 04/05/2012 11:21

I wouldn't give them your address. I would just put in post box with not at this address written on them. You have my sympathy, my M just tracked me down after we moved without telling them. Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2012 11:23

"I'm wondering if it's worth writing a letter re-iterating what we said? Although I'm guessing that they'll ignore that like they do everything else"

Yep, they'll ignore that as well.

Speaking to a Solicitor re obtaining an injunction for harrassment is an option I would seriously consider now. Sounds drastic but self absorbed people like Step MIL and FIL tend to be more afraid of authority figures.

ballstoit · 04/05/2012 11:25

I guess it depends how hard you want to be.

You could contact the police and take it down the harassment route. We are lucky enough to live in a country where we don't have to receive mail, phone calls or emails from anyone we don't want to, and don't have to have a reason for this.

But I guess it depends whether you see any chance of this beiong resolved in the future or not...from what you've written here it sounds doubtful, but clearly that's your call.

alwaystheblacksheep · 04/05/2012 11:27

squeaky It doesn't mean anything in this situation that the parents send cards/money. Mine did this, all for show I'm afraid and to win affection from GCs. I give the money to charity, DCs don't know.

EldritchCleavage · 04/05/2012 11:28

I think I might ask DH to talk directly to SM as she might be more likely to listen to him

Your call, but if you do that, all you will achieve will be to teach your SM that months of imposing on poor old MIL will get her contact with your family. So she will ramp up the MIL-bothering.

if I don't hand over the money they send to the kids, they can turn around and make me the bad guy

The key thing is to try to detach from caring about what they'll think or feel, surely (and keep impressing on your MIL that it is ok for her to do the same)? Easy for me to say, I know. But you're the bad guy anyway. You say yourself SM has no respect for you, so really being the bad guy in her eyes makes no odds.

I wouldn't even return to sender (that's a kind of contact): shred cards, letters and cheques, give cash and presents to charity.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 11:33

Funnily enough my mother suggested this. (Getting some sort of injuction.) It seems a real shame, and I can't believe that they are content to let things be like this. I can't see there being any sort of reconciliation though, because it has to come from them, and clearly it won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 12:05

Would you normally talk to someone/warn them about what you were thinking before you went for an injunction?

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 04/05/2012 12:11

I don't understand the problem relating to mil. So they carry on sending cards but to mils house instead . . . So what? Why is that putting mil in an awkward position? Just take the cards and don't make a big deal of it. Then mil won't feel bad about giving them to you.

I don't think you should be asking mil to tell them not to send things! Its not her place to do that! Why would you get her further involved like that!?

EldritchCleavage · 04/05/2012 12:11

You don't have to issue a warning.

If you do, it should be via a solicitor I think-it means you don't have to have the very contact you're trying to avoid and will be taken more seriously.

ballstoit · 04/05/2012 12:23

Would suggest using non-emergency no. to contact police for your area. The police can, and will, issue harrassment warnings, and injunction works slightly differently, and if you use a solicitor you'll probably have to pay.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 13:03

Thank you. Thanks

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 04/05/2012 13:49

Is it actually upsetting your MIL? Have you discussed the situation with her?
Or is it your reaction when given the cards etc- if its this try and grit your teeth until you get home

btw i am in the position that I get cards info and suchlike for my best friend. She cut contact with her toxic family, I grew up knowing them and supported her decision.
It doesn't bother me as I'm not emotionally involved. I know that the sending of cards and presents is only a gesture, to be seen to be doing it, its not done out of love by these toxic people.

diddl · 04/05/2012 14:06

Do you have a friend who would happily just dump stuff for you-if so, give them her address?

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 14:44

DH got pissed off and texted SM. Said that we'd love to sort things out with them when they're ready but in the meantime could they please stop using his mum as a go between as it's not fair.

Can't imagine they'll reply, but if they do it again they really are massive arseholes.

OP posts:
hattifattner · 04/05/2012 14:53

I actually love the idea of a post office redirection service....she posts to your MIL....and plop! it reappears on her doormat a week later. You never have to even know about it. £30 for 6 months peace of mind...bargain.

EssentialFattyAcid · 04/05/2012 15:08

Put everything in the bin, money included.

Regardless of what you do, sm will always make you out as the bad guy.

Your dc don't need this blood money - keep these toxic people out of your life and out of your dc's lives too.

Be strong.

PooPooInMyToes · 04/05/2012 15:15

The whole thing is so fucking awkward, because on the one hand, if I don't hand over the money they send to the kids, they can turn around and make me the bad guy. But if I pass everything on and tell them it's from their grandparents, then DS1 starts asking about them, and why can't we see them, and what do I say? Grandad and Grandma hate your mum because she reminds them of your other Granny who you love? Grandad was violent with your mum and now tells everyone she's a big fat liar?

You don't have to tell them who it is from. Just buy them a treat with it or put it in their bank accounts.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2012 15:20

Bint,

re your comment:-
"DH got pissed off and texted SM. Said that we'd love to sort things out with them when they're ready but in the meantime could they please stop using his mum as a go between as it's not fair".

That was unfortunately not one of his better ideas. Bad move there Bint's DH particularly the part when you told them that you'd love to sort things out with them when they're ready. Snort. Any contact is a way in and they will know now that they've got to you because they've had this response. Power and control. They won't likely reply but you'll continue to get the cards etc.

Your DH needs to realise that this cannot be sorted out at all primarily because Step MIL and FIL are toxic, self absorbed people and selfish to boot. You are not dealing with normal healthy functioning individuals here.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 04/05/2012 15:50

I know -DH always likes to see the best in people and likes to be optimistic that they will sort themselves out. (Although I think even he is started to give up on them now.) But he got really pissed off that he came home at lunch time and (yet again) we're dealing with this shit. If they do continue to send things after this I think an injunction might be necessary.

I'm so bloody annoyed - I've spent a lot of time meditating recently and I got to the point where I felt really positive and free of all this crap. Turns out not so much as I thought, at least, not today. I even found a letter that my father wrote me last year after we had the huge argument and managed to re-read it without wanting kill someone. I was thinking about posting it actually, just to get some perspective from people who know about toxic people's responses...

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 04/05/2012 16:29

I don't quite understand actually. You say that they can call or email you yet you're not happy for them to send cards. I don't understand the difference.

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