DH is in a mess....this is long!

[overandunder]

DH hit me with a bombshell recently - he loves me, but basically isn't in love with me - or something along those lines.

Now, a bit of background info....

We recently had DD2 (6 months ago) - she was the baby we thought we'd never have, after a series of mc's. We had to get treatment for this, and we are so lucky to have her.

DH has a job that involves working away - it as been particularly stressful for the past year, and he has also had hideous dental problems, a bout of shingles 3 weeks after DD was born and his dad has recently been ill.

We have been married for coming up to 11 years, and been together for 14. We celebrated our 10th anniversary whilst I was heavily pregnant last year with a lovely break at a beautiful hotel, and he bought me a gorgeous bracelet too.

I turned 40 in Jan, and he surprised me with a trip to NYC - he did this fantastic treasure hunt around the house, and I cried when I discovered the gift at the end - I just didn't expect it.

We have had our ups and downs like any long relationship, but we've always been good at communicating, and worked through them. I have had problem with depression - due to mc's and other difficult things - and he's supported me throughout.

I think that I've had my head down and just been focusing on getting through the newborn phase, and maybe I haven't been supporting him enough. I can be snappy at times, but I am in no way a complete cow.

He is up for going to Relate and we start seeing someone in a week. He says that he's lost respect for me, and I can see that all he's doing is looking at the bad stuff. I know from my MH issues that this is what you do when you are struggling and stressed.

I gently suggested that he needs to take time off work on the phone last night - he didn't really acknowledge this, and I know that we need to sit down and discuss it. The problem is that he is self-employed and the main breadwinner, and probably sees this as not possible. I have found myself looking at jobs this morning to see if I can get a job - it's a bit tricky as I used to be an FE lecturer in Textiles and the jobs are hard to come by. Also, they don't pay anywhere near as much as DH's salary.

I suspect that someone will come on here and start blathering about him having an affair as there's always one on most relationship threads that I've read! He unequivocally is NOT, so please don't come on and suggest this. There is absolutely nothing in his behaviour that has me worried about this (although I have thought about it, as I think it is only natural to go down that thought pattern).

My DH has always been an incredibly loyal, kind and considerate man and I love him with all my heart. The stress of this has had me taking painkillers to get through it - not ideal, but a short term fix for those really bad days. I am prepared to fight for my marriage and he does want to work on it too, but it hurts me so much to know that he feels like this about me.

His mum came over last night as I was upset, and she thinks that he is in a mess. She is planning to phone him tonight, and she's very gentle and will hopefully get him to admit that he needs time off from work.

I bought him a spa day for his bday recently as I know he's been stressed - I also have been doing more around the house to try to take the pressure off him. I sent him back to work with a survival pack before this happened too, so he knew that we were thinking about him - he was touched, and appreciated this.

I phoned him a couple of weeks ago on his way home from work in a mess - I'd hit the vodka, and was suffering with raging PMT, and just ranted down the phone at him. He called back straight away and told me he'd had an epiphany at work that day when he told someone to Fuck off - he realised that the job is fucking him up. I think he's dismissing that this week, as he's having a bad week and being all pessimistic again.

Sorry this is a long post - I was hoping for some constructive advice, or maybe something from someone who has been through a similar thing. I feel like I am going slowly mad and my whole world has been turned upside down. I also feel like maybe I have been really inconsiderate and not been looking out for him - but the last 18 months have been all about the pregnancy and the baby - I've just had my head down.

who said anything about "painkillers"... it's medication to boost the seratonin in your braind which can be a major cause of depression

sorry Rabid.. can see you are referring to OP and not DH...

Again I think you misunderstand what posters are suggesting OP and you're not addressing the questions of posters who are trying to help you here and giving up their time to do so.

Having some space from eachother while the conflicted one gets his head together is often a relationship saver. It's also often easier to manage for the partner who's shocked and hurt, because seeing the loved one every day and trying to get him to love you is incredibly stressful and debilitating. You've said yourself that it's having quite bad effects on you - self-medication is a problem however much you want to minimise what you're doing. I'd be more concerned about the painkillers than the single vodka episode FWIW.

Having space apart doesn't have to mean permanent separation. If your DD is also used to dad being away, then you don't have to break her heart at all.

Another thought occurred after my last post. I've known quite a few people who had very rigid views on infidelity launch themselves into a crisis about their relationships. Often the very people who castigate others for cheating are more vulnerable themselves, because if they find themselves feeling attracted to someone else they believe it means something more serious than it is. I wondered whether your husband did feel an attraction for his colleague and this has plunged him into turmoil? Whether he's come to the wrong conclusion that This Must Mean Something Bad about My Relationship......and his feelings for you?

How safe would he feel sharing a crush with you?

And can you come back to us on why you think his feelings changed for you within 4 months - and why there has been no follow-up on the 'I don't respect you' remark, because that is very significant and is why so many posters have queried it.

The stress of this has had me taking painkillers to get through it
The OP admitted taking pain killers to deal with the stress, not ADs painkillers

I would be interested to hear his actual definition of why, and how, he has 'lost respect' for a woman he has seen deal with pregnancy loss, pregnancy itself, depression, and who is now caring for a newborn.

He sat there and told you he has lost respect for you while you were holding his child, that you are currently nursing through the difficult newborn stage?

Wow. Just - wow.

I'd be making that point. It's a different thing to say you're not in love, to say you've lost respect. Very different, and I would want to get to the bottom of it.

And then I would be insisting that counselling, and a reassessment of the job situation, was undertaken before ANY decisions were made. What is WRONG? It may not be as simple as job stress. I would bet any money it may be something to do with the pregnancy and birth - how affected was he by your miscarriages? Do you think that now your DD is safely here he feels he can 'relax' and his pain and stress is coming out? Is it simply the stresses of having two? Do you think that he may have felt, re. your depression 'Well it'll all be ok when we succeed at having another baby' -you have, and of coruse nothing's magically changed, in fact right now things are MORE stressful because you have a newborn - do you think that's thrown him into a tizz?

The affair thing. OP, I totally see where you are coming from - I would never, ever believe my DH capable of an affair, he just isn't that kind of person. And as far as I know, he hasn't. But the other side of the coin is the ENDLESS threads where a woman probably just like me says exactly that, and he is ALWAYS cheating. Always. I've never, ever seen a thread like this where it didn't come to light that the reason for the behaviour was an affair (emotional or otherwise). So that is unfortunately something that you just would be foolish to discount. So don't close your eyes to it is all I'd say.

Bottom line, I wouldn't allow someone to just state that they had lost respect for me without clarifying that, what they thought the issues might be, and stating their willingness to work on whatever the problems are. One thing you should NOT do is go into protection mode - I would be (in a measured way) getting angry. If he can't offer the kind of explanation he owes to you after all these years, he needs to get his shit together or get out (temporarily).

Wow

All about him isn't it? He sounds like high drama. I remember your thread where you said he was investing a lot of time and energy helping a young woman from eastern europe with housing arrangements. Aren't you p ed off that he found the energy in this crisis and fog to help a stranger whilst you were suffering.
He sounds like a nightmare poor you.

I have just looked at your other thread as I seem to remember posting on it:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1443558-DH-isnt-sure-how-he-feels-about-me-anymore-sorry-long-post

Can I ask why you really thought he was having an affair then? what has changed? what has changed your mind?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1443558-DH-isnt-sure-how-he-feels-about-me-anymore-sorry-long-post

That thread seems to have been started by "lovemysleep" which isnt the same as author of this OP.

OP, I've been with my DH for 15 years, married for 9. Your post struck a chord with me because we hit a low point a few years ago when, like you, DC2 was newborn which coincided with DH being very stressed and unhappy at work.

My DH did not tell me he was no longer in love with me, but he did say 'I sometimes wonder... is this it?'. It occurred to me that he was having an affair (he had a female friend at work who he was working with very closely at the time), but with hindsight I am 99.9% sure he was not. However, as Charbon suggests, I think maybe he did have a bit of a crush on her, which made him question his feelings for me ("if I find her attractive what does that mean about my feelings for my wife?") - I think Charbon is right that a decent, loyal guy can find these thoughts very confusing.

I can give you some reassurance that we got through it and are now very happy.

I can't give you any magic solutions that you haven't already heard - it's the same old stuff - give it time, talk about it, make an effort to spend quality time together as a couple (we did date nights and made time for our sex life - feels a bit contrived at first but worth it), and he changed jobs which helped enormously. We also went on a marriage course and found it very useful.

Good luck - I hope you can work this out.

I'm afraid I also agree with Charbon that you are being unnecessarily aggressive towards people who are only trying to help you.

Op, I believe you about knowing he is not having an affair!We went thru' a simiar thing after DC2, and I have friends who had this with DC2 - it does seem to be a very tough time for many peopel. It does sound as if your DH is depressed.
No helpful advice for you - what worked for us was to to keep communicating even when you least feel like it..

The respect thing was said last night during a phone call, so we haven't had time to discuss that .Like I've said during this thread, he'd had a shit day with people at work not treating him with respect, and he wasn't being wanky about it. I'll just have to see what comes of it really.

If he has had a crush on someone, he could discuss this with me, as we've been in a similar situation where I had these feelings for someone years before. We talked about that, and about how it made me doubt our relationship, so yes, that could be a possibility - but again, I don't think it's necessarily the case.

As for his feelings changing in just 4 months - I don't think it's as simple as that. I may be wrong, but this may have been brewing in his head for longer than that.

I know that for some people moving out and having space can provide the solution - but as my DH said, we have that space during the week anyhow, so I'm not sure how much it would make a difference. In some ways, I actually think the time we spend apart is part of the problem.

If I do suggest separating for while, he gets upset but also thinks that I may be being too negative about the situation, and we can work it out.

I don't mean to be coming across as aggressive, but there's nothing I can say that will change some posters opinion on my DH and where his behaviour stems from. I am saying thanks to the posters that I most relate to and who seem to understand my situation better, that's all.

Often the very people who castigate others for cheating are more vulnerable themselves, because if they find themselves feeling attracted to someone else they believe it means something more serious than it is. I wondered whether your husband did feel an attraction for his colleague and this has plunged him into turmoil? Whether he's come to the wrong conclusion that This Must Mean Something Bad about My Relationship......and his feelings for you?

Hmm id think about that.

I also agree that he really must see a doctor. Does HE feel that he might be depressed? With my husband he didn't even realise that's what it was. He wouldn't even consider it because he was so caught up in looking for things to blame how he was feeling on. It took me threatening all sorts of things to make him see the doctor. He did and went on medication and felt much better in a week.

I'm with those stating that 99.9% of times I'm not in love with you is a direct translation for I am shagging someone else.

Regardless any man who can tell the mother of his 6mth old, who has suffered multiple losses, that he has lost respect for her is a twat.

I don't care how "unrespected" he felt, that bears no relation to how he feels about you, and frankly if he is struggling with people not showing him respect then he is being all the more unkind by behaving towards you in a way he has already identified and acknowledeged as so objectionable.

He sounds awful.

I don't really understand the respect comment. What sentence did he say it in?

I can't help but think that should have been supporting you as the one looking after a new baby full time. Its a bloody hard job!

I also wondered, what made you think to take pain killers? If i am stressed pain killers are not what pop to mine to deal with it.