Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Can your dh cuddle you without groping you - mine can't...

64 replies

Nina456 · 03/05/2012 07:10

and it's fucking infuriating. My dh has a higher sex drive than me, we do have sex just not as often as he would like. I just seem to be constantly 'fighting him off' - that being a turn of phrase, he is a thoroughly decent, kind bloke - no issues whatsoever with being forced/DV etc.
This morning he was doing it and I said 'I just want a cuddle' (sorry, that is a nauseating word but I can't think of a better one)' and he's now stropped off downstairs to have breakfast and then go to work.

Will this ever change?

OP posts:

hathorkicksass · 03/05/2012 07:15

My ex used to be like this and it is most annoying.

DP is totally different - loves to just cuddle and it's great.

Sorry. That doesn't help you much does it

Original poster

Nina456 · 03/05/2012 07:16

Urm, no.

No intention of making dh my ex!

OP posts:

hathorkicksass · 03/05/2012 07:20

I know - but it is annoying.

Strangely, now with DP I appear to have the higher sex drive and we have sex a lot but we don't live together

DinahMoHum · 03/05/2012 07:22

he does like to grope here and there but hes usually pretty sensitive to when it would be appropriate and when it wouldnt

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 03/05/2012 07:26

Mine is the same, I still tense up after 23 years of marriage. I'm no bloody help either, sorry.

snax84 · 03/05/2012 07:32

My dp of 12 years is the same, it's got worse since dd arrived 2 years ago a my sex drive plummeted. It makes my skin crawl when he does it now as it feels so sleezy .
Sorry this does not really help either

bigTillyMint · 03/05/2012 07:39

Mine is the same too!

SoupDragon · 03/05/2012 07:44

My ex couldn't. I don't think he ever hugged without groping or seeing it as a prelude to sex.

TheOneWithTheHair · 03/05/2012 07:48

Mine dh is the same. The thing is that it means no physical affection as well because he always wants to take it further. He knows he dies this but won't control himself.

We have sex 3/4 times a week so it's nit like he's missing out. It would be nice to have a kiss, not a snog sometimes.

You are not alone.

TheOneWithTheHair · 03/05/2012 07:49

Sorry. *does this

TrinityRhino · 03/05/2012 07:53

Dp can. We both love to be completely entwined and just be.

Sex is initiated in a different way

God that is completely vom-tastic sorry

TheCountessOlenska · 03/05/2012 07:54

Yes mine can - we love a nice cuddle (and he knows that if he doesn't put me under pressure it can turn into something more!)

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/05/2012 07:58

No he can't. Really do believe that if I didn't ask for a cuddle and say but not sex he would never touch me unless we were having sex.

claireinmodena · 03/05/2012 08:00

Yes, now.

But we've been through periods like you describe. For him sex=affection, I sometimes wanted stg different iykwim.

many arguments conversations later we now seem to have found a happy medium!

Original poster

Nina456 · 03/05/2012 08:02

Yes, that phrase 'put me under pressure' is exactly right. I know what he wants, I will do something like move his hand away from where it is groping then I can almost physically feel the waves of disappointment coming off him. It is mainly that nine times out of ten all I want to do is go to sleep because I am exhausted (have some insomnia problems) I wish I had a higher sex drive or he had a lower one. Since we had dc the gap between our sex drive has got wider.
I have suggested that if he is in the mood to suggest something earlier in the evening but he says he doesn't because he doesn't want to be rejected and so it goes on and on and on and on...

OP posts:

Convert · 03/05/2012 08:03

We are the other way round. We have lots of cuddles. Personally I would prefer more groping! I do have the higher sex drive though.

Original poster

Nina456 · 03/05/2012 08:04

Yy Clare dh is the same sex=affection.
So how did you find your happy medium? We have been together nearly 20yrs and we're still having the same arguments.

OP posts:

Mama1980 · 03/05/2012 08:05

Dp can. Soon after we got together he had a groping phase and I told him in no uncertain terms that it was yucky and I was beginning to dislike him holding me. He was shocked by pleased I was honest and now yep we just cuddle all the time in fact he's more snugly than me these days. Maybe try telling him exactly how it's making you feel? Other than that no advice sorry.

FateLovesTheFearless · 03/05/2012 08:05

Stbxh only ever bothered touching me to grope and try to initiate sex.

With my boyfriend, we quite often cuddle up on the couch to watch a film etc and I don't get groped for the pleasure. He will also randomly hug me now and again when I am doing the dishes and he doesn't grope me.

It did bother me with stbxh because I just felt like an object however no amount of telling him changed anything.

Original poster

Nina456 · 03/05/2012 08:08

Oh I do tell him and it gets better for a bit and then it starts again. It makes me miserable, I love dh to bits and visa versa but this has always been a sticking point. I am very overweight at the moment so feel pretty crappy about my body, I am sure that is not helping either.

OP posts:

droves · 03/05/2012 08:19

Dh used to do this all the time ... Until I told him I found it a turn off and there would be no sex at all if he continued to grope without invitation .

Once he understood all he was doing was desensitising me to anyone grabbing my arse or boobs , he was quite horrified.

TheOneWithTheHair · 03/05/2012 08:24

Ikwym about "waves of disappointment".

Sometimes dh will come and hug me and I wriggle out really quickly or say "don't" and he replies "I only wanted a cuddle" all hurt like I am being unreasonable. When I say that it never is only a cuddle he pulls a sad face and I'm the one left feeling guilty.

When we do have sex it's wonderful but it also seems like I'm telling him see I do fancy you but I'm not horny all the time.

SardineQueen · 03/05/2012 08:26

Dh is very snuggly and cuddly. Most of my boyfriends have been TBH.

Maybe suggest they wank more or something? It is not fair to be denied non-sexual physical affection and / or to be hassled for sex.

cheeseandpineapple · 03/05/2012 09:04

I know it probably doesn't feel like it for you but it sounds quite sweet that after all these years and even though you think you're overweight, he's so passionate about you! My dh and I are cuddly but I don't seem to drive him wild with passion just from a cuddle, quite like the sound of it but can imagine if it's all the time, it's wearing...

Is it worth suggesting date nights, even if you don't go out, maybe Friday and/or Saturday nights are your "romance" nights. Might seem a bit prescriptive but at least both of you will have same expectation and less chance of misunderstanding and encourage him that in meantime, you want affection but the hot stuff needs to be when you're not totally shattered and are in the right mindset?

snax84 · 03/05/2012 09:07

Nina I know exactly how you feel my dp is the same.
It's so depressing, sometimes I feel like I just want to be held & loved but won't go near dp for affection as I know his hands will develop wonderitus & make me feel like a cheap sex object

Flip

1 2 3