Can your dh cuddle you without groping you - mine can't...

[Nina456]

and it's fucking infuriating. My dh has a higher sex drive than me, we do have sex just not as often as he would like. I just seem to be constantly 'fighting him off' - that being a turn of phrase, he is a thoroughly decent, kind bloke - no issues whatsoever with being forced/DV etc.
This morning he was doing it and I said 'I just want a cuddle' (sorry, that is a nauseating word but I can't think of a better one)' and he's now stropped off downstairs to have breakfast and then go to work.

Will this ever change?

That's not really the same though is it, unless you are having sex without wanting to.

Oh please don't quote the 'fight him off' phrase - I did specifically state it's just a turn of phrase - nothing literal about it.

DadisSad - great post, thanks. Dh and I have these conversations and suggest the things you have mentioned but as I have said he is reluctant to suggest early nights because of the fear of rejection. Can you explain to me why this rejection is so much worse than the pestering and being turned down? Tbh although I do enjoy sex when we have it, it is rare that I randomly feel in the mood (particularly if we aren't in bed). If it does happen when we are in bed I always initiate sex.
Oh and I am guilty of the 'why don't you have a wank' comments too. Dh always gets angry if I say it and in fairness I don't like him doing it in bed when I am asleep as I am a very light sleeper and it wakes me up. I will try not to say it again!

Don't you like feeling desired ladyintheradiator?

"Can you explain to me why this rejection is so much worse than the pestering and being turned down?"

Oh - I clearly left myself open to that question didn't I? The best answer I can come up with I'm afraid is that specifically asking to have sex (which is what it comes down to) is a much more psychologically significant step than "cuddling with extras", so harder to do when expecting rejection and the rejection is a much bigger come down.

I find it interesting that actually you do always initiate sex (or is that only when in bed?) Clearly I'm completely missing something here - do you never have sex following his groping? If not, I have no idea what he thinks the point of doing it is (unless of course it's something he likes doing even if he doesn't sex out of it)!

The thing is, if you think he should suggest early nights, and you are sometimes up for it if he did, then maybe you need to try and work out under which circumstances you would happily say yes and initiate when you feel like that. I'm assuming here that you would sometimes be quite happy with him asking you even though you might not specifically feel "in the mood" - if not then suggesting he puts himself through continual rejection by doing that is mean (sorry, trying not to be harsh, as you don't sound at all mean).

I wonder which part of "I don't like you groping me when we're having a cuddle" the OP's husband is having trouble understanding!

Convert I think whether people like to be "desired" or not depends on the situation, how they are feeling, and who is doing the "desiring".

I would also say that what some of the men on this thread are "desiring" (or demanding) is sex, rather than the woman who is bearing the brunt of it. The impact of this actually makes many women feel less desired, as they feel that they are not being treated as a person with their own feelings and desires.

Bearing the brunt of the pestering, I mean.

Ex was like that.

In a way it's a reason why he is an ex. Because the more he did it, the more I'd be put off.

It was the pressure, him completely disengaging when sex was off the picture, being a twat the entire day, and basically going straight to groping in any situation where we were less than 1 foot apart or only suggesting "hugs" when I was naked (usually when rushing to get ready in the morning after a shower - Seriously? )

This, even though I told him (for years) that: a) him not putting pressure was a turn on, b) what exactly made me turn on (he NEVER did any of those things), c) I needed to feel good to want sex.

And yes, like Sardine said, desiring a woman is different from desiring or demanding sex.

I've been married for over 30 years and he still can't cuddle without it turning into a grope, thing is if he persists in the grope I get turned on then have to leave off what I'm doing (usually getting the dinner!) If i struggle free I' told "You're no fun"!

Actually I'm flattered that he still fancies me after all these years

Yes, my DP and I do cuddle and kiss without it leading to sex. We are both very affectionate and hug and kist lots of times during the day. We cuddle on the sofa every night. Hugs and cuddles do sometimes lead to sex, most usually through the kisses becoming more like insistent snogs. It is very easy for each of us to read the other person's signals and if one of us is not interested in taking things further, to make the kisses less passionate. The other person will then back off.

Sometimes, if I am tired and not immediately in the mood, I will go along with the kissing for a bit, and maybe 8 times out of 10 it will get me in the mood for going the whole way. However, I know that I can do so in the knowledge that in the other two times, I can say that I don't really fancy it, without DP getting in any sort of strop or upset. Having had a P who would fly into an absolute tantrum if I ever declined to have sex with him, it took me a while to relax into the confidence that DP would not do the same. Having the confidence that I can say no without any drama has ironically meant that my sex drive has actually increased dramatically. I can fully sympathise with any woman who feels she can't turn down sex without there being some sort of drama, and know all too well how that is one of the quickest ways to have your libido squashed.

"Can you explain to me why this rejection is so much worse than the pestering and being turned down?"

Men are fed the message by society that they should have a high libido, and that they should be constantly expecting sex from their wife/partner. They are fed the message that they have a right to feel aggrieved if they do not get this sex. Therefore, if they are going to be refused sex, it feels more "right" if they make the woman feel a bit bad for not providing sex, as it is recompense for the grievance that the man has suffered. I doubt that many men at all realise that they are being fed these messages, and that they are acting on them- they are the sort of thing that lodges itself deep in the subconscious mind and for most men does not form part of conscious thought.

I too am surprised at some of these replys . I find it absurd that any man would think its ok to grope at someone who has stated they do not like it .

Totally disrespectfull .

I suppose i am in your DH's position. My DP doesn't want sex as much as me and i always try to initiate it.

It was a surprise that even from the beginning he just didn't respond to advances like anyone else i'd been with.

So now i have learned not to pester and get upset (altho i still do inside).

My DP has never touched me without me touching him first and actually doesn't like touching my body very much or kissing at all. It is really hard as we are wired so differently.

My dp is great at just cuddles and can sense when that's all I want. Equally good at bumping uglies though

My husband is like this. We used to have a lot of sex but since having our son 2 years ago things have almost completely stopped. Not completely as I am now pregnant with number 2
But I'm very conscious of my post pregnancy body & would prefer to do it under the covers with the lights off but my husband never comes to bed at the same time as me so it's difficult. He also thinks it's ok to grope me in front of our son which I think is a no-no.
Am hoping that once we're settled in our own home (long back story there) things might get a bit more on track.