Now I'm really confused - help!

[DadIsSad]

I'm in a sexless marriage (all but - have had sex twice in the last 6+ years). We've been going to counselling, and I thought it was going well with much more intimacy, until the last session, where when DW was asked what she wanted from the relationship and couldn't really think of anything - except maybe to be left alone to read her book. Hasn't directly said anything about whether she fancies me (and I've not dared ask - a lot of my problem is putting off hearing bad news like this), but in her case I'm fairly sure her sex drive is minimal, as I don't believe she has ever masturbated. I'm not sure what good the counselling is doing any more, as DW seems to think it's just me who needs to change, when in fact whatever I do (and I've done a lot), there's always something else which I need to do before she'll want to have sex with me... were it not that our counsellor was busy saying to DW lots of things that I dare not about how our relationship won't survive without a sex life. I was actually quite surprised how forceful the reaction was to a suggestion from DW that the kids always came first (counsellor suggested that wasn't the case as kids also need their parents to have a good relationship, and sometimes that has to be the priority).

Though here's where it gets confusing and I turn everything I've said above on its head. We left the counselling not on that good terms - me upset as DW had given the impression she really wasn't interested in our relationship, I'd upset her by pointing out several times that it really did just come back to her not being interested in sex. A bit later in the day we talked a bit about the session, and she offered that actually she had been thinking about having sex with me, and would be interested if I'd agree to stop if struggling to climax (as happened last time we tried last year) when she stopped enjoying it. Not tonight, but sometime.

So fast forward several days in which I've been trying to reconcile what she said in counselling and afterwards. No signs appearing that it was any more likely to be tonight than any other night in the last 6 years. I'm being treated for depression, and it got to the point I was feeling really down about this (the drugs don't seem to help all that much) which I was sure must be apparent as I was being generally grumpy, so I confronted her last night with my confusion. We had a long conversation/argument which ended in her agreeing that we'd have sex some time in the next week (on same condition as before - which I happily agreed to, as I pointed out I don't enjoy that either)! Hadn't really got over the argument when we went to bed (in a way I feel I should have been really grateful and loving for such a commitment, but she still seemed upset and my moods just don't work like that). Today I've still mostly been down, and things are frosty - less intimacy than for weeks - so I'm not quite sure how sex is going to magically happen.

I'm also still confused - if she doesn't want to have sex with me, is she just going along with it to keep me happy? Did what the counsellor said finally sink in? I suppose it's a start, but have to wonder whether it's actually little better than going to a prostitute. Just can't see it being all that great if it happens, and I also have performance anxiety - it's not like if it doesn't work that well it doesn't matter as we'll just try again in a few days. I feel like I should be a lot happier than I am and not looking a gift horse in the mouth - is it just my depression stopping me from seeing straight?

Anybody help with my confusion and explain what's going on?

I suffer horrendous cystitis as a result of sex and it ruins my sex life. So I totally understand your dws position. I have fancied all my partners but the agony as a repercussion of sex kills my libido.

Sorry - that really came across as quite rude, didn't it? Am just a bit grumpy again this evening - back to feeling it really isn't going to work out, and was coming on here to wallow in a bit of self-pity. I just feel like I'm trying hard to fix this and DW isn't (we both agree things aren't right). Some very helpful comments which I'd like to reply to when I've calmed down a bit - thanks everybody.

ike1 - do you go to the loo straight after sex? If you do, sorry to mention it, but if you don't know this, that might be contributing to the cystitis (quite common if you don't go to the loo straight after). I had cystitis a few times, not really badly but still unpleasant, before someone told me that gem - never had it since. :)

DadIs - Feel free to way whatever you want on your own thread

Ike - What Thumb says! If that doesn't help (it should), go to a GUM clinic where they'll advise on possible causes and other strategies. I'm not inferring an STI, by the way, it's just that they know more about sex and women's health than anyone else [taps nose]

Oh ike1 that's a shame! Both washing carefully before & after sex can help prevent cystitis to avoid transference of faecal (sorry!) bacteria to the urethra. Also emptying your bladder before & after can help too to reduce inflammation.
Dadissad - that's exactly the point I was trying to make - we're not just after a quick shag against our partner's will - we want the person who is supposed to love us to want us! Sex is the expression of love. If your DW won't address this of course your relationship will eventually end. Not because you're a bastard who thinks he's "entitled" to sex against his partner's will but because you deserve & need to be cherished. I really hope your DW can see this & things can change. I sympathise.

OP- god you don't sound entitled at all

thumbwitch I cured my persistent cystitis by having a quick post coital wee too. That may be all it needs.

Dadissad, apologies if this has detracted a little from your main issue.

I did indeed notice your comment in the first post about pondering these issues yourself and what is the point if she doesn't want it.

Something troubled me about the counsellor's remark. But perhaps it does just boil down to exploration of the wider issues of why she has distanced herself, why she wants to be left alone to read her book and so on. I wish you luck in getting to the heart of these issues.

Sorry im a little late to this thread. Had to deal with something in RL. I can not see anywhere where Dadissad has said or intimated that he is entitled to sex. My marriage is completely sexless affectionless and has been for 16 years. For the first ten years he didnt want it. For the past six years he cant because of illness and disability. Dadissad sorry to bring this up but people do get sick. How would you feel if this happened to your wife. Would she be expecting you to care for her if she got ill. Reeling you cant just take the bits of the marriage contract that suit you. If "with my body i thee honour" is not considered important then why is it that "forsaking all others keeping you only unto him/her is considered imporatant. Obviuously like midwife im not including people who have suffered sexual abuse.Thats a whole different thing.Dadissads wife isnt even doing the "only unto him" bit either. He is getting nothing.

Here here carer! As ever you have hit the nail on the head!!

I agree with midwife Some people use this as a form of control.
As for that thing upthread "Frigid Woman. My God what a fucking stereotype. What about men who refuse? What are they called.
I think if someone gets together with you and they know they have a low or no interest in sex and are asexual and they hide it from you it is as bad as hiding the fact that they are homosexual. Both scenarios involve dishonesty.And asexuality is now seen as the 4th sexuality (after homosexuality heterosexuality and bisexiality) What does NOT help is when young women first start dating and their parents tell them "ooh be careful cos a lot of boys are only after one thing" Instead of filling their daughters heads with stereotypical rubbish parents should be more honest. But they wont because they worry too much about the possibility of their teenage daughters coming home pregnant. When i met dh i was 19 and he was 42. This was 20 years ago. The idea of sexless marriages and the possibility of ending up in one never entered my head. Well maybe we should start telling our young people about every sexuality including asexuality.

I will admit that after 7 years of no affection i had an affair which lasted 4 and a half years. It was the most wonderful passionate time of my life. The guy knew my situation and when we made love i do remember one particular time when he spent over an hour stimulating me both manually and orally until i came. Sorry for the TMI. I think the reason that it took so long was because i hadnt had sex for such a long time.
The affair ended in early 2008. This coming Christmas it will be five years since i last had sex or made love whatever you want to call it. Im utterly fed up and depressed and i find myself having silly romantic fantasies about male actors. Because its safe i suppose. Being in this situation destroys you from the inside. And i seem to find that in society if a man has sex withheld by his wife people dont seem to judge him as badly as ca woman who is in the same situation. Some people in RL at the time heavily hinted to me that because i am female i should keep my legs closed and keep my mouth shut about it . On no account as a woman must you break the golden taboo of "dont tell" There is still a lot of mysogyny in society towards the fact that women have needs too.

Sorry if ive been a bit ranty. Dadissad you sound like a lovely bloke and i think your wife is very lucky to have you. I hope she soon starts to realise what she could end up losing. In 2003 i tried to get dh to go for counselling, he said it was a waste of time and money and that he wouldnt talk to a stranger. My affair wasnt planned or premeditated but it happened not long after that.

Ike1- I've also had problems with sex induced cystitis but it's not been a problem since I started taking cranberry supplements every day. Also trying to drink lots of water before and after helps flush through any bacteria. I also have a personal theory that it's something to do with your uretha getting bumped about and therefor more prone to infection. Keeping it flushed through helps to clean the bruising off or something.

This isn't about cystitis! His wife calls all the shots and unless a sex therapist can help, a very sweet and loyal Dadissad will be forced to ultimate his wife or just call it a day. It's such a sad story. They're both trapped.

Yes newby I agree. And then he'll be the "bad guy" for leaving her! Not fair!

I think Dadissad should be applauded for being so open about this issue. It's personally made me think about my marriage and the perils of controlling behaviour in the long-term so thank-you Dadissad for giving a warning light.

midwife is bang on the money. If i left i would be "the bitch who left a disabled man"

Surely that's no way to stay in a marriage? Are you sure you aren't a martyr to his disability? I know enough about disability to know that pity is no reason to stay with a crap marriage regardless of whether some-one needs a carer. You can pay for a carer.

No im not a martyr. But i have been with him since i was still in my teens. Change can be scary. And who says that i will find a great love if i do? Might never happen. He did say once that "i could do what i need to do as long as i was discreet about it" I dont actually pity him. Apart from this one flaw there are no other problems though the ATBI can make him a bit aggresive sometimes (NOT physically) And ive seenn enough threads on here to know that others are going through a lot worse.

He is generous in a lot of other ways. Someone once said to me that its probably his way of making up for it.

Understand. How sad and you're right in lots of respects. There are many people who embrace the fear of the unknown but also embrace what they know the best. Who's to say who's right. I was pointing out that being a constant saviour can be self serving, just the same as Dadissad, and even sabotages the other person's right to grow as a person and learn from their own journey, if you constantly protect them from it. Plenty of people with disability have a a fulfilling love life if it means enough to them and their loved one.

newby thats a lovely post. I once watched a tv programme about disability and sex. There was a man on there who was a paraplegic and he gave himself injections in his penis so he could make love to his girlfriend. He said he couldnt feel anything down there himself but he did it for her and said he enjoyed watching her being turned on and having an orgasm. And i remember him saying he got off on her pulling his nipples. They were a lovely couple and it was great that they went on tv and talked about it. I reckon watching that programme probably helped a lot of people.

It all sounds like really hard work..any chance you could try having some fun together...laughter is one of the biggest turn ons. (unless it involves being naked and pointing!) .

To be devoted to some-one like you are, is also wonderful, if they aren't holding you back in your own personal journey like Dadissad's wife will be, in my opinion. Why not ask your husband to have a look at ways of making love?