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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need Sage Advice (and probably a slap)

53 replies

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 10:54

Hello ladies

Not been on here for a while but was hoping someone could give me some perspective.

2 years ago exH went away for a lads holiday and came back having an affair (he met someone out there), we broke up. I was with him since I was sixteen (14 years)

I have a lovely DP now ... but he is going away this weekend on a stag night ... I am freaking out. I am scared and its bringing back horrid memories. I can feel myself moving away from him in anticipation of what happened with exH happening all over again. I am having horrible fantasies in the day of him getting up to all sorts and making plans about leaving him if he does get up to anything.

I am driving myself mad with it. DP is not the sort that goes out lots (hardly ever in fact) and this is the first time that he has been away without me in 12 months.

So I guess I just need a bit of advice.

OP posts:

sternface · 01/05/2012 11:00

What are the plans for the stag weekend? Will it involve sex clubs and is it to a place that relies on sex tourism?

Has he ever been unfaithful to former partners?

Do you have a close enough relationship where you can be honest with him that this is causing flashbacks for you?

Why does he hardly ever go out? Is that the same for you?

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 11:02

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 11:03

No seriously now, although I hope the clip makes you laugh. Have you spoken to him about your fears? He is lovely and I suspect he will be very sensitive to how you feel whilst away and keep in touch with you. Even if it's just a text or two. Sometimes verbalising the fear takes a lot of the feelings away iyswim?

MissFaversham · 01/05/2012 11:05

OP, this is your stuff to deal with isn't it. Don't tar everyone with the same brush. Yes, (whispers) get a grip.

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:06

I have been 100% honest with him and he knows all my fears. I have told him that I abhor sex clubs etc and he has promised me that if the group goes to one of these places that he will go back to the hotel. I am not worried about this as he clearly knows that if he goes there its over as I have made it so clear to him how much I hate it.

What worries me is the flirting and the banter and all the stuff that goes with things like this. I find it very disrespectful (he has never once shown signs of this to be honest but I know what men are like hen they get in groups)

he has been unfaithful in the past with a previous partner

He goes out on occasion with his friends maybe once a month to meet for drinks. What I meant by he never goes out is that he is not one to stay out drinking regularly until all hours. I go out with my friends roughly the same amount as him.

OP posts:

Lueji · 01/05/2012 11:07

You can't control him and you have to trust him.

If he can't be faithful on the stag weekend, he doesn't deserve you.

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:09

Thanks tea that is what i need

he gets upset that i am expecting him to behave like my ex

OP posts:

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 11:10

You're coming out of your comfort zone and understandably stag do's have quite a reputation, but I honestly think everything will be fine. We all have trust issues after being cheated on. I know I do still and you know about the worries I've had with my fwb and it is a battle whenever things come up that remind us of what we went through. The fear of being hurt again. But each time a situation like this comes up and we face it, we become stronger and grow.

Was it a long time ago when he cheated? What were the circumstances?

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 01/05/2012 11:12

@Warrior - while I can see his point of view, rather than being upset, he should take your fears on board and do all he can to reassure you that he won't make the same mistakes as your ex.

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:12

I don't want to control him. I just have this sense of dread. Whenever ex came back from anything like this there were always whispers between him and his friends "remember that fit bird she was well into you mate" that sort of thing all so I could hear.

Even on my wedding day ex was talking to his mates about what they got up to on the stag night and I stumbled ob them talking about it by mistake.

Its really hard for me to explain... its all this what happens on tour stays on tour bullshit and the thing is I have to trust him that he is not going to be like that when I am not around

OP posts:

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:15

4 years ago the affair happened it was an EA. He has been very open about it and I knew about it before we got together.

OP posts:

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 11:16

He is NOTHING like your ex! You are being irrational woman!

Am I wrong?

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:17

@profcox when I say upset I don;t mean shouting or anything he just says that he finds it frustrating as he says that no matter what he says or does that I will always have this element of doubt there.

he has sat me down and asked me what i want him to do to reassure me whilst he is away. asked me if he wants him to call/text etc. I don't really think it will help tbh its like I have already found him guilty.

OP posts:

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:18

no he is nothing like my ex tea

But.... there was a time when I thought ex would never cheat either

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 01/05/2012 11:21

Well, what else do you want the man to do then? Not go?

sternface · 01/05/2012 11:24

Is it likely that his friends will be going to sex clubs then? If he's that great, why is he friends with them if so? You can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps.

Previous cheating a red flag obviously, but you chose to overlook it and assume you had your reasons for that or have rationalised it somehow.

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:24

No I want him to go.

I want to be back in the place where things like this would not have shaken me. I want the naivety/innocence back that ex took away.

I know this is my issue and not DPs and I have no right to ruin his weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:29

No I think it is very unlikely that they will go to a sex club. But...there are a lot of them going though so I guess there is always a chance of some of them putting the suggestion forward... his close friends in the group would not though I am pretty sure of that.

When i thought about his affair, it was a very big red flag for me and I thought about it for a very long time. I asked him so many questions and we had a lot of talks about why he did it etc. He was going to counselling at the time to work through it and he has changed a lot about himself as a result.

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 01/05/2012 11:29

Why not go for a bit of councilling? It certainly helped me to get things in perspective.

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 11:31

I think reading some of your old threads may help you. As your ex was an utter arse for a long time, he told you he was unhappy for a good 18 months, he didn't fight for you and your kids, he then changed his mind, said he was reformed, but then he moved out again a second time, claiming he had feelings for someone else. Whilst you exhausted yourself trying to fix things and tried to forgive him again and have counselling. He promised the counsellor then that he would tell you if unhappy, but then he lied about how he felt and the state of his involvement with the OW. He put your through emotional torture. He gave up on you and the kids and didn't have the guts to tell you. He was a congenital liar. Go back to the dumpling threads again and read them. It took you ages to get to the bottom of his lies.

The situation where you were betrayed is nothing like your relationship with your now dp. This is why I say it's irrational. You have a good, solid relationship with your dp.

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:33

Thanks tea

i thought about going back ot the old threads exh was an absolute BLEEP!! he has got an awful lot ot answer for that's for sure

OP posts:

Original poster

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 11:44

do you think it could be latent anger at exH ? I never really got that angry with him just got on with it all for the sake of the kids really. Got my head down got through the split and started again.
People were always saying that they could not believe how well I took it.

I have thought that maybe I am projecting my anger on DP when it is in actual fact exH that should have got it 2 years ago

OP posts:

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 11:49

Once you made your mind up to leave, you found and arranged a move quite efficiently as I remember. Your ex was surprised. However I don't think it's anger. I think it's purely fear of being hurt again. Trust issues and who can blame you?

Do you remember him saying this: "i asked him before he left did he think he fell out of love with me since i became a mum and he said that he thought that was part of it"

If you try and look at this lovely relationship with dp, it is on a completely different footing to your ex. You had a lot of problems already with your ex.

Sorry I am taking over your thread now

sternface · 01/05/2012 11:50

That background from another poster is really helpful.

I take the view that someone who's been unfaithful, took responsibility, learnt from it and knows their boundaries - is a much more secure bet than someone who's never been tested, so good for him. That 'once a cheater' crap is a myth, because I know several people who've done what your partner did and they are far less vulnerable to cheating than the average bod who's never had that experience.

And if he and his close friends would say no to sex clubs and value women as people and not commodities to be bought on a stag night, then although that should be the minimum standard in a male partner, it's reassuring.

I agree with the suggestion about some counselling. You're still understandably very bruised by your ex and by the sounds of things, more damaged by the lies over a long period of time than you would have been if he had come clean straight away and said he was leaving for someone else. That's why I always suggest on threads that people find out early on if there's an OW because of the damage the 'not knowing' causes. What you're experiencing is the legacy of that and is why it makes me so cross when naive posters say there might not be an OW or there's no point in finding out if there is.

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 12:00

Oh yes and he also said: "he did not love me anymore, he felt as though he desered a relationship where there were sparks and butterflys again and that he was putting himself first for the first time in years"

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