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Original poster

Need Sage Advice (and probably a slap)

53 replies

WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 10:54

Hello ladies

Not been on here for a while but was hoping someone could give me some perspective.

2 years ago exH went away for a lads holiday and came back having an affair (he met someone out there), we broke up. I was with him since I was sixteen (14 years)

I have a lovely DP now ... but he is going away this weekend on a stag night ... I am freaking out. I am scared and its bringing back horrid memories. I can feel myself moving away from him in anticipation of what happened with exH happening all over again. I am having horrible fantasies in the day of him getting up to all sorts and making plans about leaving him if he does get up to anything.

I am driving myself mad with it. DP is not the sort that goes out lots (hardly ever in fact) and this is the first time that he has been away without me in 12 months.

So I guess I just need a bit of advice.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 12:04

Am I right that you met your ExH when very young and he was your one and only relationship? So dp is your second? It's no wonder that you're struggling a little.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 12:15

yes tea (you ever thought about being a private detective? Wink) exH was my first serious boyfriend, met him at 16

This is all very good advice Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 12:18

Just left a message for the local Relate office. Going to get booked in.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 12:21

Do you think you were fully healed when you began to see dp?

I am starting to think counselling maybe a good idea for you. Do you think you are slightly codependent as well?

I have found myself repeatedly veering towards codependency with my fwb chap and have had to re-evaluate my behaviour Blush I was horribly codependent in my marriage. But I think I remember you talking a little about the same issue with your now ExH.

Sometimes circumstances can really bring things to the surface and now is good time to work through them. As it could come a self fulfilling prophecy with your now dp if you always bring up this fear of being cheated on when he's away and give him a hard time about it iyswim?

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 12:24

x post.

Miss Faversham first mentioned counselling didn't she? It's good advice. Glad you phoned.

MissFaversham · 01/05/2012 12:30

Well done Warrior. I had about 10 sessions a while back about past issues it helped me enormously. I walked in for my first session and blubbed practically the whole time used all her tissues to boot by the 10th session I had nothing to say Grin

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 12:35

i don't really know what co-dependency is Confused

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 12:38

Codependency Scroll down to patterns and the descriptions.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 12:44

maybe yes, I can see a couple of things there that i do Sad

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 12:47

I'm more guilty of the compliance and low self esteem ones. But I suspect most people do one or two of them.

I was thinking I should buy the Codependency No More book Patienceobtainsallthings recommends. I've been meaning to for a while. I am accepting sex instead of love with fwb. I want more but cannot have it. Anyway this thread is about you, not me Grin

I was meant to be doing transcriptions this morning. Oops. Talking to you has been more fun.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 13:37

appt booked in a couple of weeks

just need to get my head down and get through this bloody stag weekend

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/05/2012 15:21

I enjoyed co dependence no more but I know some find it a bit gloomy or hard work. I guess it just helped me with my self awareness.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/05/2012 15:34

But has made me much more independent and take responsibility for my own happiness.Re trust issues I also was lied to alot so I empathise totally ,however I do try and stay in the day, be patient and see what life brings me. So my advice, fwiw :), would be relax and roll with this weekend,your gut says ur dp is a good guy so use this experience as a positive one that challenges u .Something I read recently is As we deal with life's challenges we can choose to become bitter or better.So try not to let ur past experiences overtake and sabotage ur new life.Hey its easy for me to say ....
but ur awareness of the problem is a great starting point. Do something lovely for u when he is way xxxxx

Teaandcakeplease · 01/05/2012 16:29

Yes Patience is right, you need to plan some special things whilst he's away Smile Keep yourself busy.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/05/2012 18:32

staying in the day sounds heavenly. I am a born worrier !

I like that bitter or better thing too Smile

I am going to go away and see friends and family for the weekend

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 02/05/2012 17:08

How's the worrying today? Maybe you should name change? Wink

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 04/05/2012 14:04

Yes I think worrierqueen is slightly more apt for meSmile

not good to be honest. in a bit of a downward spiral. He flew off today and tried his damnedest to reassure me but I could feel myself shutting down to him as a defense method I think in case something happens.

For the morning I have spent it with my tummy in knots Sad its bringing back some awful memories of when exH cheated and its all quite sickening

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 04/05/2012 15:58

If he's a good man, he won't cheat. And he does sound like a good man.

If you can't say it to him, is it worth texting to tell him you love him and that you know your trust issues are from the past, not a reflection on him? You do know he's not your ex or anything like him, you just can't convince your insides that history won't repeat itself. Or just "take care, have fun, miss you x". So he thinks of you with warm fuzzy thoughts instead of worrying about you worrying for the whole weekend.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 04/05/2012 23:40

When he went today I did tell him that I love him and that I genuinely hope he will have a good time and he knows that all my anxieties are from my ex (we are able to have very good and open conversations about this thankfully).

He has been texting me since he landed and I have kept it light and positive ever since he went .... as just as Annie said I don't want to put a dampener on his weekend.

he is a good man

I hate my exh for clouding all this !!!!

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 23:46

You will be fine OP. This has highlighted what you need to do to gain a healthy perspective.. you now realising this, plus a bit of councilling will help you throw the shrowd of the ex away for once and for all.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 05/05/2012 19:54

Totally buggered it up today Sad

he phoned me and i just burst into tears. I have really struggled today, knot in my tummy and a lump in my throat

I actually feel very similar to how i felt in the first days when exh left, and i feel as though i am going round the twist Sad

he was SO nice about it that just made me cry more. He said that he was sorry that he was putting me through this!!!! But I feel so bad that i could be spoiling his time away.

Just SO shitty !!!

OP posts:
IdjustassoonkissaWookiee · 05/05/2012 19:56

He sounds so lovely Worrierqueen Wink Honestly what a top bloke Smile You have nothing to worry about. Tomorrow is a new day. Deep breath.

It won't always be like this, this is just stirring up some very painful and possibly undealt with memories x

IdjustassoonkissaWookiee · 05/05/2012 19:57

Sorry it's teaandcakeplease here Grin Haven't name changed back since the May the 4th be with you yesterday Grin

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 06/05/2012 20:13

DP comes home tomorrow. I really don;t know how to react when he walks in the door. Confused i will be relieved that he is home but I don't want to be all over him.

NOt really sure what the healthy response to his return would be when the whole time he has been away I have felt sick to the stomach.

I want to know that he did not go to strip clubs etc but I don't want to ask him in case I hear something that I don't want to. Is it best not to ask?

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 06/05/2012 20:21

it sounds like he is nice and understands how you feel, so I'm sure he will volunteer info to reassure you. Did he text you as he promised on Sat night? you could ask 'how did it go' but try not to question on the doorstep, let him tell you (and hopefully that will settle everything). I feel for you, I had similar irrational issue with trust when younger.