Don't really know where to post this. It will be long and really more for my own benefit, just need to write all of this down.
I am falling apart, don't know how to pull myself together. A friend came round this afternoon and I really wanted to talk to her about some of it but chickened out.
Ds was born almost 14 months ago, I developed ptsd from birth trauma and tomorrow will finish cbt which has helped enourmously with the trauma; but my relationship is in tatters and I don't know what to do. I am difficult to live with, have very little patience and express all my anger at DH. We don't understand each other, litterally, even though we've been together 11 years. I know he misses sex, of which there has been virtually nothing in the past 14 months due to me, and in the 9 months before due to him feeling uneasy because of the pregnancy. We've never been perfect in that department, he always wants more than I do. More on this later.
It's been hard lately because appart from our problems, he has a long term medical condition and his medicine stopped working, so he is constantly exhausted and in pain, and he is doing the childcare while I work part time, plus ds is going through some developmental leap which is making him very demanding/active/needy, which makes looking after him very difficult, and we have no help, there are no relatives near us who could give us a break, and I am really missing that and feel utterly alone. I know others have it harder, and I try not to be an ungrateful person.
A big part of my ptsd has been self-loathing, I have hated my body and only now feel I might be coming out on the other side. I used to have what I considered a healthy sexual attitude. This past few days I have felt more ready to try rekindling our sexual relationship, and suggested that we make a date on a specific day of the week and 'force' ourselves to have intimacy and hopefully sex then (with the hope that my 'sex muscle' just needs excercising), but since suggesting that I have gone back to feeling anxious, and today after ds went to bed I thought I should try perhaps reading something erotic to see how I felt, and I just felt sick. How can I ever do it if I can't even read about it?
I really don't know what to do, have changed my name in here to post as honestly as possible. I have talked about this with my cbt therapist but she has said that sexual things are not her area, and she seems possitively uncomfortable when we have talked about it.
I can't believe I have messed everything up in this way, we wanted a baby so much, and I am only a step short of actually regretting having one, which is absolutely awful.
Sorry this is so long.