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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can't control my stress and daughter is suffering....

53 replies

complexo · 27/04/2012 21:22

I don't know why I take it on her, she is only 5 and does push my buttons, I do talk nicely and softly at first, but to repeat myself three, four, five times for each simple request really wears me down and I end up screamming...I feel so so bad afterwords I can't just control myself anymore.

I've done 2 parenting courses in the past, when I was a much more relaxed person (sahm) just to do something with my time as I never had any serious issue with her really.
But now I don't have the time and energy to do another one, and even though I still aplly the techiniques and common sense I seem to be getting nowhere.
And I will never ever do a reward chart, I don't like the idea.

OP posts:

LimitedAppeal · 27/04/2012 21:27

You really must try to step back and stop screaming at your poor child. Do you have a partner or are you a single parent? Can you try the 'ok don't bother then' option? I don't expect you are asking her to build a rocket or solve global poverty. It's not that important if they don't do what you ask all the time is it. They are only babies. Just do it yourself.

Lissaskye · 27/04/2012 21:32

oh god, I can understand where you are coming from.. my daughter is 4 and my husband has just walked out on us. I feel myself getting so frustrated with her when she wont pick up the toys or get ready for bed, that I nearly end up screaming at her...

I know we are going through a bad time and I want to make life nice for her, not be shouting at her, but I just end up in tears because she just defies me all the time. i did an incredible years course, but its not been much help as the time out thing just doesnt work with her.....

I tell myself that she is only 4 and I am the adult here. who else do you scream at in life if they dont do what you want? I dont talk to adults like that, so cant allow myself to scream at her, but it is very difficult, especially at the moment.. The stress caused by her has been one of many factors in the breakdown of my marriage im sure as my husband would come home and Id be like, just get her out of my face she is doing my head in and he hadnt been here all day to see what its like...

LimitedAppeal · 27/04/2012 21:35

Oh dear. Try not to lay any blame for the breakdown of your marriage, on your small child's behaviour. that's not very nice.

sailorsgal · 27/04/2012 21:36

Are you doing anything for your stress? Do you get anytime to yourself? Time for hobbies?

Flubba · 27/04/2012 21:41

Poor you and your DD OP ~ it's hard and you're not alone. It can be very wearing, but there are things you can try.
Are you able to do the whole "ooh, I bet you can't do XYZ before I count to 10" type thing? And the massive praise thing for when she does do what you've asked her to do?
I know you said you don't like reward charts, but it may be worth considering if nothing else has worked? We do smiley or sad faces, then chocolate buttons for each smiley and take one away for each sad face - works really well with our 4yr old.

btw, nice, supportive response LimitedAppeal

Lissaskye · 27/04/2012 21:41

in my defence, she has had both me and my husband at breaking point with her behaviour, she simply will not do what she is told and it has caused problems with my MIL. it has stressed us both out and has caused problems between us, that is what I meant. I didnt want to smack her, husband did. i stopped shouting at her, husband didnt. That is what I meant by it being a problem. It is only a very small part of the overall stress created by many different things, but it has been a part of it.

of course I would never ever let her know that, of course its not her fault,

BumpingFuglies · 27/04/2012 21:42

Op, can you talk to GP? Sounds like things may be getting on top of you. Kids can be frustrating at any age! Have you got anyone to support you?

BumpingFuglies · 27/04/2012 21:44

LimitedAppeal - got anything supportive to say?

Lissaskye · 27/04/2012 21:44

when my daughter wouldnt stop hitting me, I ended up taking away her favourite toy for a week. she was so pleased when she got it back again, and it did make her realise that I mean what I say... she doesnt hit me now.

Praise is also a good thing, it makes them feel great and important.

Happylander · 27/04/2012 21:47

Oh I can so empathise with you. That constant repeat is a nightmare. I now answer 3 or 4 times and then just say either 'what do you think I am doing' blah blah or 'I am not answering that question again' it is slowly working. In regards to requests if he doesn't do it I start taking toys away and putting them up high enough for him not to reach but that he can see and it has worked well. I do that or shut myself away for 10 miNS.

However, I have found since I started on anti-depressants that I am a lot less stressed and happy and this clearly has impacted on my son. Not that I am saying you are depressed or anything but they really helped me and I was screaming at my son too and it hardly ever happens now. House is an awful lot happier.

Original poster

complexo · 27/04/2012 21:48

i know I need to stop screaming but I do talk to her politely and nicely so many times before I get to the point I loose it....today I even started to tell her: " listen how I am talking nicely to you now, I can feel I will get worked up soon, do you really want me to shout at you again?"
It worked, but than I found myself trying to remind her all the time about me screaming and shouting so she could avoid it...
Honestly the things that I ask and she plays up are so ridiculous like:
get dressed in the morning have breakfest brush teeth put shoes on * live the house to go to school....obviously she can't be late for school and me for work...and she has been going to nursery since she is 2 so this should be a solid routine now shouldn't it?
Every morning I found myself explaining to her why she can't go to school dressed up as Cinderella or wearing every necklace, bracelete or any other piece of crap jewellery she has...or why she needs her school shoes and not clip clops....or why she needs to brush her teeth....I did actually decided to still offer breakfast few times but is she is not hungry, she is not hungry than she gets starving on the way to school (5 minutes walking)

Or than she asks me for example: " can we do (whatever) now? " and I say "not now, after I have a shower" ( I usually have my shower every day at the same time so I can start functioning again after a long day) and she keeps asking over and over and over again even though she can clearly see I haven't had the F* shower yet....and this happens pretty much every day...
She is 5, c'mon, is this normal? Could be any kind of SN?
Maybe she is just a normal 5 year ols and I am the one with a big problem.

OP posts:

Lueji · 27/04/2012 21:49

Try to talk at her level eye to eye and get her to tell you she heard it and she will do it.
Count to 3 and if she doesn't do it, punish her (send to room or similar).

Repeat as necessary.

Don't scream.

Sometimes she may just want to play when you are not in the mood, but a few laughs may help you both. :)

On another note, check her hearing!
At some point I really had to scream at DS and it turned out that he had glue ear and could not really hear well at that point. His eardrums didn't vibrate at all!

Lueji · 27/04/2012 21:52

Ups, cross post.

Is the shower really that important? :)

LimitedAppeal · 27/04/2012 22:00

i think laughing a lot together is important. Knock-knock jokes, silly voices (every animakl and toy we have has its own voice0, lots of distraction and lots and lots of cuddles and kisses. I think a lot of it is attention seeking - looking for love and reassurance. What is she like with your ex-husband and how is she coping with the break-up? sorry if i sounded unhelpful.

Original poster

complexo · 27/04/2012 22:00

I used to do that game: I bet you can't do this or that before I count until 10...she doesn't want to play anymore
I went to the GP to talk about her hearing, GP called her name 2 times and asked her few silly questions which she replied to him so he dismessed the case....this was last year.
Teachers have no concerns, I keep asking them..but I suspect she is hard work at school.
Shower is very important as I have a very phisical job and once I come home, have dinner, do what is need to be done she than have a shower and I have a shower...I need to have my shower in order to put on fresh clean clothes and starting relaxing, reading books for her, etc
Husband works long hours in catering, when he finishes early and is at home things ar easier but it is only 2 days during weekdays if we are lucky.

OP posts:

Flubba · 27/04/2012 22:04

A couple of things spring to mind - one: CBeebies is your friend at times like showers - all kids love a bit of telly! two: can you invite her friends over sometimes so that not all of her attention is on you? three: can you give her jobs to do while you have a shower? something she enjoys maybe like laying the table for supper etc? It'll occupy her at least while you jump in the shower.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 27/04/2012 22:05

I can sympathise, so here's some practical things that have helped me.

I have a visual time table for the morning which me and the DCs follow. We go through the timetable and if everything is done without a fuss then they get a sticker. I know you don't want to do reward charts, but you know what, they work in this situation!

Their clothes / uniform are laid out before they go to bed and they're reminded that they will be wearing them in the morning.

I changed my routine slightly so I get up, get them dressed and eating breakfast and then I stick on Milkshake while I get myself ready. I need a shower in the morning to feel human, so either have it as soon as I wake up, while they have a drink of milk, or after when they're watching the one eye'd babysitter.

Its easy to slip into shouting when you're stressed and in a rush. Preparation and setting down clearly what will happen every morning helps - as are rewards!

Lissaskye · 27/04/2012 22:05

my daughter is the same, mummy do this, ok, im just having a shower, wait a minute, then she goes on and on and on, asking the question over and over, its very frustrating and you cant always give in just to shut them up... its so difficult

Flubba · 27/04/2012 22:05

oops, pressed post message too early. It'll occupy her at least while you jump in the shower. And it makes her feel important, then a lot of praise when she does it (even if she only puts a couple of forks on the table - it'll encourage her to do more)

LimitedAppeal · 27/04/2012 22:07

sorry got muddled with lisa. Not very useful am I. If school have no concerns and doctor has checked her maybe you are worrying too much. You and your husband sound like you lead very stressed work lives. x

LimitedAppeal · 27/04/2012 22:08

stella1w · 27/04/2012 22:09

I thought it was just my dd - she is always asking the same thing.. can I do this, yes, can I do this, yes, can I do this - If you ask me again the answer will be no.

No helpful suggestions, just sympathy. I did like the book How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk

LimitedAppeal · 27/04/2012 22:13

I have a four year old ds too. I use lots and lots of distraction or get down to his eye-level and explain things to him a lot. And resort to a lot of bribery as in 'If you do this you can have that' etc. It's certainly really exhausting having a four year old as their powers of reasoning are rubbish and of course they want everything their way. They test the patience of a saint. But they are beautiful when they are snoozing and their kisses are priceless. x

Original poster

complexo · 27/04/2012 22:17

Thanks for the help. the issue is not me haing the time to go for a shower is her understanding and stopping asking for XYandZ over and over again and I already said I need to go for a shower first...is the repetition that is driving me insane

Or when we are out and she is a bit further and I keep calling her to come back next to me and she doesn't come like today (I had to quicly go back inside the house for a minute) and I end up shouting like a friking chav...

Both our clothes are laid out before we go to bed...the issue here is she doesn't want the uniform or to go to school (even though she keeps asking to go to school all day every saturday, sunday or holiday. no matter what activity we done...she clearly likes school, she asked to go to school when we were at EuroDisney...) I wake up first and get ready in 10 - 15 minutes (as I had my shower the night before, can't sleep if I don't have one) make a cuppa and go wake her up and than we have 1 hour to get ready...and she will not get up earlier than that...I put news on the TV and she enjoys coz she is looking for the weather .... if I put any kids cartoon in the morning than I will be in serious shit, tried and didn't work....

My problem with reward chart though is shouldn't they do as they are told and not lok for reward? I really don't think that my daughter should brush her teeth in exchange of treat...

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 27/04/2012 22:19

See, this is where I think a reward chart is absolutely perfect, for that inbetween age when they are too big for the old toddler tricks of counting down, distraction, but too young to really be able to discuss and see long-term patterns in their and your behaviour (my 6 year old doesn't know the days of the week and asks 'is it today yet? when waiting for events).

This is where charts are your friend, instead of having a mega battle over clothes, choose them the night before with her (so a nice negotiation), put then on her chair, then say 'if you get ready all by yourself without making any fussing', I will put a smiley on your chart'. I bet you anything she will be ready before you in the morning. Same for toothbrushing, same for eating without a fuss. My reception age daughter was taking two hours of screaming to get ready for school, we cracked this with one week of star charts and a reward at the end, after this week she got in the habit of being rewarded for good behaviour/getting positive attention and it all spiralled up instead of down.

I am not big on charts, but for intractible stubborn 5 year olds, they can be brilliant. And, to put it bluntly, charts are much much better than screaming at your child, and then threatening them with your screaming, which is your current strategy, which is also making you feel bad too.

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