I can't control my stress and daughter is suffering....

[complexo]

I don't know why I take it on her, she is only 5 and does push my buttons, I do talk nicely and softly at first, but to repeat myself three, four, five times for each simple request really wears me down and I end up screamming...I feel so so bad afterwords I can't just control myself anymore.

I've done 2 parenting courses in the past, when I was a much more relaxed person (sahm) just to do something with my time as I never had any serious issue with her really.
But now I don't have the time and energy to do another one, and even though I still aplly the techiniques and common sense I seem to be getting nowhere.
And I will never ever do a reward chart, I don't like the idea.

Can reate to your issues too.
What has worked for me, in a random order:

• count to 10 5 before answering.
• concentrate on my breathing in and out when I feel I am starting to feel stressed/angry and calm down. then answer question
• leave the room
• having some time for myself where I can really relax
• stop explaining. Just ask to do things. so 'Can I put my cinderella costume?' is answered by 'No, uniform on'.
• keep my answers as short as possible. I fiund my dcs stop listening very quiclky whilst I am getting more and more angry explaining again.
• having a vey strong routine and sticking to it whatever.
• getting up a bit earlier (15~30min) before so I have a bit more time to deal with whatever issue the day brings. Also helps me not feeing under so much pressure.
• warning: 'In 5 mins, you need to get dressed' etc....
• TV can be a god send sometimes
• concentrate on the good points, not for her but for yourself. It helps remembering that the dcs do good things too! eg did get dressed wo too much fuss.
• doing some exercise. I am usually more relaxed after and better at hadling tricky situations.
• think about other ways to react in advance so I might think about it when on the firing line.

HTH

You need to learn to ignore her.
She asks you something, you answer once then go under the shower. o more answers until you come out.
You need to come back in the house, you take her with you so that she doesn't have the opportunity to go away on her own etc...
You know her well and know what is likely to do. By pre-empting, you can avid confrontations.

Thank you ladies
I will think about all this during the weekend _ specially reward chart as weekends ten do be much easier as we are not working...

• but she always "hate" going to swimming lessons until we get there of course.

and sorry for my blunt language, I am not an English native speaker

sorry to anyone disillusioned by this , but op, the point of the reward chart is NOT to reward the child for doing what they are supposed to do, but to TRAIN them to do what they are supposed to do with a view to removing the reward once the improved behaviour has become a good habit!!!

Complexo, your language is fine:)

I can totally relate to your post. My dd2 went through a very difficult stage at around 5 and it drove me potty, really potty. It was like every single thing I asked her to do was a big deal, we'd have an hour meltdown over getting dressed, choice of food, on it went. I am not advocating star charts as a magic fix, more as a way of breaking a bad habit (hers: ignoring you and wanting any attention, even negative; yours: repeating yourself ten times then losing your temper, thus giving her the attention). Something else might equally break the pattern.

I have also found giving as much control as possible, without being silly worked at this age, I was rather babying her. So, she dresses herself, brushes her own teeth, chooses and puts out breakfast stuff, pours the milk BUT only if she doesn't make a fuss and does it nicely. Being independent is her reward, and I am not allowed to help AT ALL!

I have a 5yo DD too and she sounds just like mine TBH. I have tried some of the previous suggestions and they work for us - after answering the same question twice I just say 'I answered that already' AND CHANGE SUBJECT IMMEDIATELY

Get your shoes on. Get your shoes on we are going in five minutes. Catch child, put their shoes on them and leave. I get sick of nagging her, and I am sure she is sick of me nagging her, so I do my best to keep it to a minimum. Some of it is unavoidable

Don't take it personally. They know just how to push our buttons, they are learning the boundaries. DD says something to wind me up on purpose and gives me a sly look to see if I 'bite' - I give her the eyebrows back and laugh when I still have enough patience left but it is very wearing, I know.

Giraffe, that's what I was trying to say, it's not about bribing them forever to behave normally, more to set up a positive attention reward just for a couple of weeks to break the bad habits. Our charts only ever lasted a really short amount of time, til the new routine of not screaming for two hours over every tiny bit of getting ready for school was established!

ok giraffe < I know this from parenting course, I would like to think I am a fair parent and fun too but sometimes for things like - brush your teeth - don't run off - have good manners and etc I like the old fashionable way of "because I am your parent and I say so" if a reasonable explanation can't be understood...
But maybe this is just me and I am making things harder for both of us...

I will think about maybe trying one anyway..hopefully she won't than expect a reward for every little thing

Op, I have a 5yo Dd and she sounds just like yours. I am fed up with ending up shrieking at her for every little thing. She doesn't listen to a thing I say, I am just white noise to her!

She is lovely, gentle and caring, but the not listening drives me insane. Am reading thread with interest.

Everytime you say 'because I am your parent and I say so', you are setting her up with a wonderful boundary to kick against. She does this so successfully you actually lose parental authority anyway by shouting. I know how you feel, on occasions I do say 'because I say so' but it can't be the default way of getting everything done, just a last defence when habits/fun/firmness haven't worked.

If you do go with a reward chart, look at one of the books like How to talk so kids will listen, or the toddler taming one to see how to do it properly. You have to pick say three behaviours to work on (not everything she makes a fuss about) and spell them out positively 'Put clothes on quickly and come downstairs'. They only get a sticker/button if they do it, if not, they get nothing but there's no punishment. It's like a formal way of positively encouraging behaviour.

I don't even like them that much but I think if all else has failed (like it had with us) it may be worth a try. I also used one for staying in bed for two weeks, that's the only times in my entire parenting career!

It is good to know I am not alone.
I don't tell her "because I am your parent and I say so" but it is definitly the way I think on some occasions.
I will maybe start a chart on Monday and tell her this is to remind us how she is doing on her behaviour as we both know she is working sooooo hard to improve it and doing her best...(so am I) LOL
maybe get my parenting coursebooks out too

Oh my, it sounds like you have a DD like mine!

This morning she couldn't put her shoes on as "my arms are too short to reach my feet". She said this whilst shrugging her shoulders, dangling her hands and looking for all the world like a teenager (she is nearly 5).

My advice? You can't change her, she sounds like a normal 5 year old (selective hearing, stubborn streak and desire to wear clip clops to school). You can only change your response to her.

I now find the funny side of this stage and have even started writing down all the stuff she does. If anything, I will get imense satisfaction in years to come when she is asking why her daughter is acting in the same way (I think it is a family trait from what my Mum tells me :)

Remember nothing stays the same for long. She will probably be an angel in a few months
x

My ds(6) has autism, and my other (8) is dreamy and silly in the morning.

I have reduced everything to the bare minimum in the morning because I hate stress.

I dress them both. They enjoy it and it means it's done and dusted in 5 minutes flat.

I brush my youngest's teeth for him.

I bustle them out the door when it's time to go.

I take a scooter for my youngest - it has solved all our problems of him being slow and reluctant to leave the house.

I keep a couple of cereal bars and bananas if they're slow about breakfast. They can eat them on the way.

I get them up and out the house in 30 minutes. Less time for them to fight with each other and to drive me mad.

Was also recommended this book:

here

Just read the first chapter and it's fantastic. And look - 89 5 star reviews on Amazon!

Am really hoping it will improve the way I communicate with my kids and stop the nagging and explosions of temper (mine and theirs!).

There is some really good advice on here. I might go and make a reward chart for my stubborn, infuriating four year old!

Not much to add, except that a bit of self-care might help you to be more smiley and relaxed. Get enough sleep! Also, avoid lots of stimulants - sugar, caffeine and alcohol - I get very strung out and ratty even after a fairly small amount of this stuff. Just an idea.

This happened to me and my son when I was going through a really stressful time at home with my husband.

I went to the doctor and gave her three choices - my child was adopted, my child was given something to stop him repeating himself or I was given something to cope.

She was lovely. She said, "Well, let's start with you, shall we?" and gave me ADs. Within a week I could cope with my son.

I think he knew my head was reeling with all that was happening in my marriage and he was trying to draw my attention to himself and did that by repeating everything ten times or more.

You really need to get help for yourself. Once you can cope, your relationship with your child will improve, believe me.

omg londis, my daughter can't go to school 5 minutes walking down the corner because I don't drive and I don't have a car and she is too tired already! and she makes me wonder how she will be like when she is a teenager as for now she is behaving like one already, I am so not looking foward ... I will really try to find the funny side of this stage.

I was thinking about going back to my beauty routine, I feel that I am slowly letting myselg go and this is not doing any good for my self steem and sense of humour .... and I do drink lots of coffee, and fizzy drinks and sometimes a but of chocolate...never thought this could be making an impact on my humour, as it is what keeps me going...

I will try and read the book, thanks

ah, and this morning she told me she didn't put her school uniform on because she doesn't know what school uniform is....

Complexo Your dd sounds like a very normal 5 year old. I think there is lots of good advise on here so I hope the reward chart can work for you.

I would just add that you mentioned your daughter watches the news in the morning. I really dont think that is a good idea. A five year old could get quite upset at some of the things discussed or shown although she might not show any distress she may be worrying about what she is seeing.

Could you put some music on or a short DVD if you don't want her to watch children's tv?

My oldest daughter, who is now 27, says she clearly remembers being taken to nursery aged about 3 by her dad and she just decided to lie on the floor and scream and scream to see what would happen. She was AWFUL, I think no one realises what a 3 to 5 year old can be like until they have one. It is the great age of finding out about everything including human relationships and how far you can push things. I used to rage at mine and they have survived fine.
More important however is your own sanity - can you schedule in time for yourself including if poss, little pockets of 15 mins between dropping her off and picking her up from nursery and any other treats you can manage. As to repetitive questions, I developed the ability to just shut off mentally and say automatic things like 'oh that's nice' or 'mm wonderful' or 'no idea' or 'what???? said vaguely. Eventually when they were much older they realised my tactic and they then used to amuse themselves by asking for large sums of money and when I said 'um, fine' not having listened to a word, they would fall about. Seriously, it is really good to have learned how to zoom in or out of a situation, maybe it's even a bizarre form of mindfulness training! And it will not harm your child, mine have all been educationally v. successful and are now solid citizens.
And just looking at your last post, you obviously are and need to be I guess organised about your life and schedules and I wonder if she is kicking against that? And it sounds to me like you are bending over backwards to be nice and reasonable, which is costing you a lot (do you feel a bit guilty about how much time you spend with her??). Explain or answer twice if you have to, but then go deaf. Don't drive yourself mad, you are actually rewarding her behaviour by continuing to answer and give her attention. I have seen so many mums responding to their child's every request and question at this age and all it does is produce monsters who don't understand that sometimes they have to wait and sometimes they have to do things they don't want.
So last thought is choose your battleground if you like (tooth brushing if it's important to YOU) and have a reward system in place if it suits you but otherwise learn to be deaf, sometimes dull and sometimes selfish and you'll feel better about it all and less inclined to shout. Hope that helps a bit. It will all pass you know! :-)

My own feeling is also that it feels worse when they are 5 as you think they are not toddlers and should be behaving better by now. Even worse, they behave nicely for the teacher, and save their worst, rattiest, stubbornest, repetitive questioning behaviour for you at home. I actually found age 5/6 a difficult age for mine, not babyish but not old enough to take on things like say an 8 year old. I also think starting school and the exhaustion and change, which is entirely normal, makes this a tricky time.

You will survive, one way or another!

I also meant to say, if you do go down the reward chart route, read how to do it properly in one of the great books around (e.g. the toddler taming man's book or elsewhere). You have to pick a maximum of three behaviours to improve and make it very specific and positive. You can't just put up a chart and expect everything to change.

"My own feeling is also that it feels worse when they are 5 as you think they are not toddlers and should be behaving better by now. Even worse, they behave nicely for the teacher, and save their worst, rattiest, stubbornest, repetitive questioning behaviour for you at home."

Mumsy you have hit the nail on the head! I have been wondering lately why I have been getting so wound up with DDs behaviour lately. I think it must be because I KNOW she is capable of good behaviour. I accept that 3.1yo DS is going to be a frustratin toddler, but I expect DD to have grown out of it by now (plus I can't cope with both of them acting like 3yos!!!

I think I'll have to lower my expectations a bit!

Pushing boundaries is going to be a recurrent theme for the next years.

The 6 year old stage can be just as annoying as the teenage years.

You have to find new ways to cope and deal with the new behaviour. You are the adult and you are in control. Remember that and don't lose it.
Use your brains, your heart AND your sense of humour. :)

Trial and error and being consistent will get you there.

Also, reading back, on reasonable explanations:

• if you don't brush your teeth they will become rotten, hurt and fall out

What about doing something very different. Sometimes children are getting difficult because they are looking for attention, good attention.
I know my 2 get more difficult at some point. It can be because I have been particularly busy and haven't spend as such 'quality' time with them ie I have been fully present, listening to them compared to be there but thinking about somethingelse, answering the phone etc..
It can be because something is happening that is disturbing them (eg anissue with a child at school) and they need some extra calm and quiet time to relax and explain what is going on.
Sometimes I have no idea why but one of them just needs me to spend 30min on my knees cuddling. No word but things get much much better afterwards.
My 2 dcs are 9 and 7yo so bit older than yours but it still makes a difference.

Also, I really think that when you have issues like this ie you are sressed, child is 'difficult' at home but an issue at school, then the first thing to look at is yourself. Rewards chart etc.. can work but better is to change your behaviour as a parent (ie my child is behaving 'badly' because I am stressed) rather than putting all the responsability on the child (ie I am stressed because my child doesn't behave).

• another vote 'How to talk' book. It is fantastic!