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Original poster

Can and should I forgive his infidelity?

100 replies

LivingNightmare · 26/04/2012 08:22

I posted before Christmas about my marriage (search on my nickname if you like) and I'm afraid things got a lot worse after that. To make a very long story short I'm married since 7 years back, a SAHM, 3 young DCs. DH started affair w someone from his work last spring. Continued over summer after confronted admitted only what I could prove but I knew there was more. He promised to cut all contact, we worked on issues in our marriage (the usual of not enough sex, not enough couple time etc).

Before Xmas I had feeling he was seeing her again (still?) and sure enough found very explicit messages he could not deny. The messages were a few weeks old and he claimed he had already finished. Had awful few weeks away on holiday together and when we got back I asked him to move out for a month to give me some space, whilst both said we wanted to stay in the marriage. When he moved back he was very affectionate and expressive of his love so I felt like we had been given a new start. V quickly though I realised he had not been staying at a friend as he said but with her and I was pretty sure he was still seeing her. It all blew up a month ago by me intercepting a meeting between them - I actually sat down and spoke with OW! We was v remorseful and said he had intended to finish w her but was waiting for right time, being a coward - whatever! Said he was relieved that it was now over and was going to spend rest of his life making it up to me.

I said I would take some time to decide what I want to do. Now that the dust has settled I'm really struggling to come to terms with what he did. I think if it had been a one-off mistake or a short-lived affair I would've been able to forgive. But he continued this despite me catching him out several times, and despite assuring me several times it was over. Is it even possible to forgive such a deceit? How could I ever trust him? Even though the affair is probably over (I think it scared her to meet me in RL!) I continue to feel suspicious, questioning his whereabouts in my mind. And I continue to have flash-backs of when he's lied, pictures of what he was like with her etc. Will I always feel like that? He now acts as if nothing has happened (doesn't want to talk about it). At the same time leaving the marriage will have huge financial and practical consequences, not to mention that the kids will be devastated. I think he does love me and the kids, he provides well for the family etc.

I would be interested in hearing views from others who have been through something similar. I thought I would just know in my gut what to do. Btw, he refuses counselling.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 26/04/2012 10:52

that's not grounds for starting a relationship with someone else otherwise no marriage would ever survive a woman having children.

he's an utter arse. and he thinks you won't end it - i think you should let that stunning arrogance and lack of respect for you drive you on now. get angry!

MadAboutHotChoc · 26/04/2012 10:52

Even if he was miserable, its not your job to make him happy.

If he was that unhappy, he could have chosen to invest more time and energy in the marriage, suggested counselling, talked to you etc instead of shagging OW. As if that would help matters.

Having an affair while his wife was struggling with a new baby and PND is very selfish Sad

He carried on seeing OW because he had nothing to lose - he thought he would get away with it and also he was probably already addicted to her ego boosting attentions.

Tell him to pack his bags and go - you will not want him around while the divorce is being filed.

Hattytown · 26/04/2012 11:07

Yes, these are just excuses.

My guess is the first complaints came while you were heavily pregnant or had just given birth and after he had met the other woman and identified an opportunity for an affair with her. In which case it doesn't count. Nothing you could have done at that point would have stopped him and in any case, he knew you weren't in a position to respond. Unfortunately it's what's known as a 'set-up'.

Lueji · 26/04/2012 11:13

What Mad said.

porcamiseria · 26/04/2012 15:26

what swollowed said

DO NOT buy this shit that he left you cos you did not want sex when postpartum and PND, ie its your fault

Ugh, what a cxxt

sorry

Fooso · 26/04/2012 15:49

Firstly not having sex for a few months doesn't give him leave to go out and find it with someone else. I'm sorry but I think that he is not to be trusted. In answer to your question - I think one step at a time - give yourself some time apart - you are going to have to deal with a lot. File for divorce when and if the dust settles and you are in a better place.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2012 18:11

Can you ? You could give it a try (again) and carry on being taken for a fool. This affair is over (if it is) because you found out and OW lost her taste for it

Should you ? No.

Original poster
LivingNightmare · 26/04/2012 18:58

Saw my wonderful counsellor today and she also led my thoughts towards looking after myself and cutting my losses. I have seen here on and off since June. My DH has agreed to talk to me tomorrow night so praying I will be strong. He has some sort of mental power over me - clearly, otherwise I would never have stayed this long.

One thing that makes it harder is that my mum, who I'm very close to and knows all the details, is being his biggest defendant in this. She is telling me to wait and see how I feel in a few months, that I should give him a last chance for the DC's sake, that I should try to trust him, that she's sure he's now realised what he stands to lose etc, saying it's never wrong to forget infidelity and that I might regret doing something drastic. I can't quite get my head around why she is taking this stance other than that she became a single mum when I was a baby and really struggled so doesn't want to see me go through this. But it doesn't help me as I start doubting whether I'm being rash.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/04/2012 19:18

Your mum is not being helpful

if I were your mum, I would be supporting you in standing up to him. He has waaaay too much control over you. To the extent you are actually forgetting what a decent partner should consist of. Your mother is wrong.

oikopolis · 26/04/2012 19:22

oh no OP he is so horrible!! he's a horrible lying dreadful man! please don't take your DM's advice to heart, she is just being silly!!!!

he sounds HORRENDOUS op. your children have already picked up on how little he thinks of you, as long as you're with him, they're learning that a) women are worthless creatures and b) "real men" lie, cheat and dissemble. don't let that carry on!

Annielove · 26/04/2012 19:22

Please be strong, i forgave and forgave and it eats you up. I stayed for 23yrs and it happened again every few years . You start doubting your sanity and they ALWAYS try and make out it had something to do with you !! I tried to be the perfect wife, never refused sex and in the process lost who i was. The mental power he has over you will end up destroying your soul.

Original poster
LivingNightmare · 26/04/2012 19:23

Re Fooso's post, when he moved out for a month at the beginning of the year, we got away with telling the kids he was working abroad (he travels a lot for work and they are young enough to accept that). But DH has said he will only have the conversation once with the kids that he is moving out, ie if he goes he is not coming back.
In a way I can see his point that it's not good for the kids if they don't know whether he's coming or going, they need stability. But part of me also thinks he is saying that as a threat to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LivingNightmare · 26/04/2012 19:32

Annielove - that's exactly how I feel - it's eating me up inside and I'm not the person I used to be.

OP posts:
struwelpeter · 26/04/2012 19:51

Have lurked on your posts. You need to take control of the situation and decide how you want to be treated with respect, whatever you may lose in the short term you will gain in the long-term - self respect, the respect of your DCs.
He needs to go as soon as you can get him out. The rest falls into place afterwards. He is threatening you re when he goes and how because he can as he knows you have been thus far hoping that things can be worked out.
They will work themselves out for better or worse in the future, but until you say what you want and do it from a place of strength he won't realise that he can't call all the shots.
Talk to your counsellor, post here if you wobble, waver or are unsure but don't let him have an inkling of your thought processes. He lost any right to be treated nicely by you the moment he unzipped it for the other woman.

Original poster
LivingNightmare · 26/04/2012 21:10

I know you are all right but I'm crying my eyes out this evening for all my dreams and hopes for my life and my family that have been shattered. For so many years I thought he was the love of my life and that he didn't want anything but good things for me. How could he do this to me and the kids. Oh this is somawful :(

OP posts:
oikopolis · 26/04/2012 21:18

Sad ((((Living))))

i am so sorry. you poor thing. you deserve so much better than this.

balotelli · 26/04/2012 21:26

I had similar situation.
My DW had numerous 'affairs' with numerous OM. Every time I found out I forgave her and tried again. Eventually She left me for a 'friend' of mine and I came to the conclusion that maybe this time I should not only show her the door but close it firmly behind her, lock it and swallow the key. I regretted it terribly for the first 6-8 months , mainly because of the 2 dc but now 14 years later it was the best thing I ever did and now have the dw I deserve.
I think you know what to do.
Good luck.
Stay strong.

QOD · 26/04/2012 21:27

Jeez, I thought for a moment that you were the wife of my friends married man .....
It's finally over, from the girlfriend point of view, he was a lying manipulator who convinced my friend he was separated in all but home. He was sleeping in the boys room, he was paying off debts, they were just friends and both moving on.
Reality was exactly what you posted, even to her meeting with the wife.

It's over, she has someone else, and yet still he texts her.

I just don't think you can trust a man like this ever, you can forgive him, you can stay with him, you can keep your family together, but you can't trust him. Can you live like that?

FYI I in NO way condoned my friends affair, it was fricking nightmare.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2012 21:29

LN, I am really sorry

but this is the man he is

it is aful, but you have to accept that he doesn't have your best interess at heart

he is happy to have you bend over backwards and become Mrs Stepford. For what ? So he can take the piss out of you again ?

Draw a line under it, and I guarantee that he will never make you cry again

but you hve to decide this for yourself, and stop looking to him to be a decent man and rescue you from the hurt he inflicted on you

he isn't, and he won't

no one man is worth this

the day you accept that, is the day you will stop ctying over him

AnyFucker · 26/04/2012 21:29

*crying

porcamiseria · 26/04/2012 21:30

of course you are crying, its a massive shock, get the tears out

your mother loves you, and it must be so hard she is ill advising you, try to not discuss and just use her for practical support

Please realise you deserve better xxx as you yourself said "it's eating me up inside and I'm not the person I used to be.

you can and will get through this

but it must be terrible hard right now

x

Maybee · 26/04/2012 21:47

Sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much more it sounds like you really want to believe him and that you want a happy ending but it will not happen. You need to go. It will be hard in the early days but you will emerge stronger and with your dignity. Your mum probably means well but her advice is not good here. I think in the long run you will do your dc a favour by setting the example that lying and cheating are not acceptable behaviours. My x cheated I caught him, was incredulous wanted to hide under the covers and pretend it hadn't happened thought i'd never cope with 3 young dc but i did leave him and am living harmoniously without him now. Dc are thriving. This is a horrible situation for you now though be kind to yourself and stay around people that care about you take wee steps towards building a life of peace and trust with your dc.

captainmummy · 26/04/2012 21:49

If I file for divorce I'm sure he will try to make me out as the bad person deciding to break up the family when he wanted to stay.

If he wanted to stay in the marriage, he should not have had a (longdrawnout, persistant,possibly on-going) affair. This is not your fault, HE did it.

Original poster
LivingNightmare · 26/04/2012 22:00

Thank you everyone for being so supportive! I really appreciate you all taking time to write. Maybee - it's encouraging to hear you can survive this, I worry that I gave up my professional career when I had DC1 and have no financial independency - were you a SAHM too?

Tears have stopped for now. :) On the positive side I'm slimmer now than before I had kids (DH having an affair is a great diet!!), I'm not yet 40 and my friends tell me I'm beautiful (although they might just be nice) so maybe there's a small hope I will meet someone else - who won't mind that I'll have 3 kids in tow!

I will keep you posted over the next few days. Can't quite believe that this is my life but at least I have 3 gorgeous healthy DC.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 26/04/2012 22:43

Oh I do feel for you LN.

Please try to resist that emotional pressure from your mum. I don't know how old she is, but she might be from the 'put-up and shut-up' generation and like you say, she's probably projecting some of her own memories on to you.

The point is, you tried to save this long beyond what was healthy for you. That's why you feel as though you're not the person you used to be.

The fact that you believe that he will turn this against you if you divorce him speaks volumes. You know he isn't a good man any longer.

Keep posting for support. This is usually the worst it gets; the moment when you finally come to terms with the realisation that the relationship must end.

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