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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm not who I thought I was

76 replies

feelingnumb · 24/04/2012 20:42

I need some help to get my head around what happened at the weekend. I've namechanged for this. I'm just feeling very numb...

I was at a big event, with other staff. I was working that night and once everything had been done, I headed up to the bar to meet my colleagues and have a drink or two. It was a celebration and although I'd been up for around 22 hours by that stage and was exhausted, I got a second wind and had a couple of wines.

One chap is on a project with me. I'd not really spoken to him before and after some general chit chat about work, he said he'd always wanted me and did I like him. I was very taken aback, I'm a mousy little thing and said no, I'm married and moved off to talk to another colleague.

At some point he was next to me again and the wine and tiredness had caught up with me. He was being very direct about what he wanted to do with me and again I said no, am flattered, but am off to bed.

I'm so ashamed of what happened next and I barely remember much, other that he came to my room (I have no recollection of even getting there) he was kissing me and then was on top of me. I remember it hurting and telling him so. I remember feeling very weak and drifting off while it happened (I think over a couple of hours) and I remember him keeping going and talking dirty. I feel so ashamed.

When I woke up and he left I scrubbed myself raw. My husband and I have some issues, but I'd never have thought I'd cheat. I was so sore 'below' for a couple of days and I just don't fancy this person at all. What was I thinking? It's like I've been taken over by someone else. I feel sick. I can't tell my husband it would hurt him dreadfully.

I have to see this other person at work soon and it's going to be awful.

I don't even know what I'm asking for here. I hate myself. I've never not remembered stuff after drinking before and I only had a couple. I just don't understand how this can have happened.

How can I ever live with myself?

OP posts:
starsintheireyes · 24/04/2012 20:44

omg, so he raped you...?

Flossiechops · 24/04/2012 20:47

Oh feelingnumb what a terrible thing to happen. Can you actually remember consenting. It sounds like rape to me, what a bastard. Do you feel brave enough to get in touch with the police? (((hugs))) do you have anybody in real life that you could talk to?

ObviouslyOblivious · 24/04/2012 20:47

You haven't cheated. You've been raped :(

Monty27 · 24/04/2012 20:50

Do you think he could have spiked your drink? Even if he did or didn't, you were not capable of consent. :(

CarryOnMatron · 24/04/2012 20:51

Do you think he could have spiked your drink? You saying that you don't remember how you got to your room or how he got there makes me think this. Also your description of drifting in and out of consciousness.

I really think you need to consider reporting this to the police or at least seek help from a sexual assault centre who can help you.

PillarBoxRedRoses · 24/04/2012 20:51

Are you sure that nothing could have been put in your drink? If you only had a couple...

And yes, what you are describing is rape.

You poor thing, what an awful experience. And what a disgusting horrible man.

I don't have much advice to give. Though first of all I think you need to get to a doctor/ GUM clinic and probably think about reporting this man.

Is there anyone you can talk to in RL?

chipsandmushypeas · 24/04/2012 20:53

It sounds like you've been spiked and raped. I'm so sorry.

You need to call the police and report this monster. And tell your husband x

PillarBoxRedRoses · 24/04/2012 20:56

Yes, you need your husband's support. But if there is a trusted friend/family member you can confide in first that might help you.

PatronSaintOfDucks · 24/04/2012 20:56

I agree with everyone. This is awful, and this is rape. You said no and he did not listen. It does not matter that you were drunk.

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:57

God how awful. I agree with the others. It sounds as though something was put in your drink - even though you were tired, a couple of drinks wouldn't be enough to make you respond like that.

Tell your husband now - the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. Then call the non-emergency police line and ask them how you should report it.

You poor thing.

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:58

I don't suppose you told anyone else what he'd said, did you? He sounds a right creep.

LesAnimaux · 24/04/2012 20:58

Gosh. Sad

I agree with the other posters. You need RL support.

Psychopsilocybin · 24/04/2012 20:58

A couple of wines would't leave you unable to recollect things.

It does sound suspiciously like you were spiked and raped :( Definitely talk to your husband, there seems to be no consent on your part.

Sorry this has happened to you ((hugs))

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 20:58

Oh and you should see your doctor re the morning after pill.

Psychopsilocybin · 24/04/2012 20:59

I meant talk to your husband then contact the police. Hope you're ok.

feelingnumb · 24/04/2012 21:02

Oh Jesus, I was afraid that's what you'd all say.

I'm very petite, so I know my limits with drink (ie. only a couple). I know when to stop and this didn't feel like being drunk iykwim? More like an out of body experience. Very weird and nothing like I've had before when tipsy.

No one to talk to in RL. Husband would go mad.

I have to be in a meeting with this guy tomorrow.

I just can't see how I can have freely consented. I have no memory at all. He's not even the kind of bloke I'd give a second glance at. And I love my husband.
Can't go to police, what if I did say yes and I just can't remember? His word against mine. I found out today he has kids :o(

Oh god, this is a nightmare. I've not slept much since. My head is spinning.

OP posts:
discrete · 24/04/2012 21:04

Please go to the police.

The longer you leave it the harder it is going to be to get evidence.

discrete · 24/04/2012 21:05

If you can't remember you were not in a position to consent.

PatronSaintOfDucks · 24/04/2012 21:07

Listen, you need to speak to somebody even if you do not tell your husband yet. I know the police can be really shitty in this situations and realistically the odds are stacked massively against you. But, and this is a big "but", the police may have a decent women's officer who is sensitive and used to dealing with such matters. Even if this does not result in conviction (we all know what the situation with convictions is like), at least you will have had some emotional support, somebody who knows what you are talking about, so you do not have to feel all alone. Another option is to speak to the local women's refuge/support group or even Relate. Please do not stay on your own. And remember - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

feelingnumb · 24/04/2012 21:07

That was meant to be a sad face. Stupid phone.

GUM clinic good idea. Think too late for morning after pill now, but the chances of me ever having kids without medical intervention is fractional.
I feel so numb. Surely I should be feeling something else.

Perfectly possible for drink to be spiked. I was chatting merrily away to lots of people I trust. Would never have occurred to me to worry about spiking in that environment.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 24/04/2012 21:11

dear God OP i am so sorry this happened to you. please ring Rape Crisis. you poor woman x

Flossiechops · 24/04/2012 21:21

I agree with oikopolis you really need to speak to rape crisis. There is a chance that if you were drugged then there would still be traces of it in your system. Please for the sake of your own future sanity and for other women this man may rape.

feelingnumb · 24/04/2012 21:22

Imperial I didn't tell anyone what he said, no. I just moved away from him.

I can't believe this has happened to me. Not to our cosy little life. I really don't think I can speak to my husband, I don't want to blow his life apart. I have zero recollection of giving any consent, what I do remember through the fug is him on top and me saying it hurts. That's about it - what I've said above is all I can really remember.

Friends and family many miles away. I don't want to be the subject of gossip and knowing glances.

I don't want to burden anyone else. It's all so sordid.

Speaking to someone anonymous may be the way to go, just to understand what next, if anything.

He's more senior to me at work too.

Oh yuck, yuck, yuck.

OP posts:
feelingnumb · 24/04/2012 21:27

Flossie it's been four days - would it really stay in my system for that long, if that's what happened?

I'll call Rape Crisis (I can barely write the word) in my lunch hour tomorrow. I'll be able to get some privacy then in my car or something. I don't want to call now, at home. DH is upstairs.

I've not cried or anything yet. I just feel sick and numb yet guilty at betraying my wedding vows, even though unintentially.

OP posts:
kohl · 24/04/2012 21:28

feeling I am so sorry.

Please think about giving Rape Crisis a call, they are trained, they will listen, will give you all your options and are completely confidential.
0808 802 9999. website here

This was rape and is not your fault.

X