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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not who I thought I was

76 replies

feelingnumb · 24/04/2012 20:42

I need some help to get my head around what happened at the weekend. I've namechanged for this. I'm just feeling very numb...

I was at a big event, with other staff. I was working that night and once everything had been done, I headed up to the bar to meet my colleagues and have a drink or two. It was a celebration and although I'd been up for around 22 hours by that stage and was exhausted, I got a second wind and had a couple of wines.

One chap is on a project with me. I'd not really spoken to him before and after some general chit chat about work, he said he'd always wanted me and did I like him. I was very taken aback, I'm a mousy little thing and said no, I'm married and moved off to talk to another colleague.

At some point he was next to me again and the wine and tiredness had caught up with me. He was being very direct about what he wanted to do with me and again I said no, am flattered, but am off to bed.

I'm so ashamed of what happened next and I barely remember much, other that he came to my room (I have no recollection of even getting there) he was kissing me and then was on top of me. I remember it hurting and telling him so. I remember feeling very weak and drifting off while it happened (I think over a couple of hours) and I remember him keeping going and talking dirty. I feel so ashamed.

When I woke up and he left I scrubbed myself raw. My husband and I have some issues, but I'd never have thought I'd cheat. I was so sore 'below' for a couple of days and I just don't fancy this person at all. What was I thinking? It's like I've been taken over by someone else. I feel sick. I can't tell my husband it would hurt him dreadfully.

I have to see this other person at work soon and it's going to be awful.

I don't even know what I'm asking for here. I hate myself. I've never not remembered stuff after drinking before and I only had a couple. I just don't understand how this can have happened.

How can I ever live with myself?

OP posts:
Flossiechops · 24/04/2012 21:34

I have just googled rohypnol and no it seems that it is only traceable for up to 60 hrs :( but then it may have been a different kind of drug. I know for sure that I would never sleep with another man even if I was very very drunk and from what you have said you know that you would not either. You were raped, you did not betray your husband please don't think like that :(

Original poster
feelingnumb · 24/04/2012 21:47

Kohl, thank you for those details. I really appreciate it.

Flossie that's the thing. I've been with my husband my whole adult life, never even thought about anyone else in that way. And I was so sore. Surely if I was ahem, willing, then it wouldn't have hurt so much Blush

I can't face the meeting with him tomorrow. I'm going to get someone else to go from my team.

I want to pack all this away in a little box, lock it away, bury it and forget it ever happened.

I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'm so tired.

Thank you all for you support. I thought I was going to get flamed for being a harlot.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 24/04/2012 21:54

Just found your thread and am reading it with great sadness. I've got no advice for you, except to follow the advice you've had on here. It sounds like rape to me too. And he might well be known to the police already for something like this in the past, you never know. Stay strong x

nolongeramug · 24/04/2012 21:55

In my local area they have a crisis centre.. You can go along, get examined and have a counsellor talk to you... All free, all confidential, and it does not get divulged to the police. However they keep the evidence so if later you choose to report it is all there.

It was four days ago... Sorry for tmi, but evidence of rape, like bruising and semen will still be there, but not for much longer.
Even if you were drunk, that is not true consent - and is rape full stop.
Hugs and good luck

boringnickname · 24/04/2012 22:01

oh love - please go to the police, i hate to lay this on you, but you have to, he might do it to someone else, he might have done it already :( The sooner you call the police the better - im so very sorry xx

mirry2 · 24/04/2012 22:10

Oh you poor thing, yes, you've been raped. i know from experience that police forces take this seriously and there will be a dedicated officer you can talk to. You really do need to report it as he may be known to the police and you don't have to press charges if you don't want to. Your husband won't even have to know about it if you don't want it to go any further.

Unfortunately the conviction rate is very low - this plus the fact you work with the guy might put you off but you really should think carefully if you can work with him any more.

Be kind to yourself. Whether you were drunk or not you didn't give him any reason to come on to you.

mostlyhappy · 24/04/2012 22:37

I only wanted to add my support. I feel so terribly upset that you have somehow been blaming yourself. Just to agree with everyone else - this is in no way your fault and you couldn't have made it clearer that you were not interested - a 'normal' man would take that as a categorical 'no' and leave you alone. He was praying on you and I agree that this sounds like rape.

The fact that he carried on despite your objections during this ordeal alone and that he took you to bed when you were so obviously 'out of it' in the first place points to that.

I really, really hope you find that you are able to talk to someone and report him. He may have done this to other innocent women as well as you. You sound very considerate but I agree that your husband may well be a huge support to you x

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2012 23:07

I don't think you should go to work tomorrow. You shouldn't have to be in the same room as him and have him look at you. He needs to worry, too, and if you're not there, he will.

Please go to see your doctor tomorrow. I know it will be hard for your husband to know, but he has to. It was rape, not an affair, ffs. He should be furious on your behalf.

mebythesea · 24/04/2012 23:12

Oh feeling im so sorry this has happened to you. It is not your fault. And it was rape.
The almost exact same thing happened to me when i was 20 - a seniour colleague spiked my drink on a 'works do' and took me home and raped me. I never reported it as we were in the states and it was my dream job and he was my boss...and wish i had done. I know how you feel re just wanting to shut it away and just get on with your life. But for me the fact that i didnt report it has meant living with the feeling that he got away with it and some how 'won'. Like he has some power over me.

How did you feel physically the next day? Appart from sore. If it was a date rape drug you probably felt very thick headed, sick, like a bad hangover but more spacy... Uncoordinated.
I really hope you have the courage to report it , this guy is dangerous and devious and should be stoppped from doing it again. Big hugs your not alone. X

horsetowater · 24/04/2012 23:43

Call Rape Crisis in your lunch hour?

No love, call them now. This man raped you and could have drugged you. They need evidence and you should do something about this so that he doesn't do it again. Do it for his wife and his kids sake, as much as for yourself.

Don't wash your clothes.

Original poster
feelingnumb · 25/04/2012 06:54

meby that's exactly how I felt. Really nauseous and spaced out.

OP posts:
Flossiechops · 25/04/2012 07:01

Oh feelingnumb you poor poor thing. I'm afraid that this is something that you will never be able to pack away and forget about. I suspect it will take great strength and courage to do this, but this man violated you in the most horrific way. I am sure that your husband will be devastated for you too :( please know that we are thinking of you x

Mama1980 · 25/04/2012 07:06

Oh heavens I am so sorry but this is rape. I agree that it sounds as if you were drugged. None of this is your fault! Please please call the police or at least rape crisis, I hate to lay this in you or say this but he may do this again. You need to get medically checked out as well locally we have a anonymous crisis centre do you have something similar? No one at all will blame you you did not betray your marriage this man did this to you if you cannot remember you could not have given consent.

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 25/04/2012 07:12

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You have to go to the police. Please. He will do it again. He clearly spiked your drink with something - what? You're still feeling spaced out. What is in your system? Where did he get it from? Who will he target next? Please go to the police.

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 25/04/2012 07:18

I'm so sorry. I hope that you get some support. You've done nothing wrong, you clearly said no and left. This man has taken advantage of you, it sounds like you have been drugged, and he has most certainly raped you. I understand you must feel terrible right now, so please do call someone, Rape Crisis and the police. Don't be ashamed, you are not to blame here.

Your husband will be mad, but certainly not at you, don't feel like you can't tell him, because you may need his support to take this to the authorities and be sure this man doesn't get away with what he has done to you, and doesn't do it to anyone else.

Be gentle with yourself. x

StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 07:19

How are you dping op? You've had loads of good practical advice, I just wanted to say you are the same good, faithful person you have always been and you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He does. How do you think your dh will react when you tell him? Because you need and deserve his love and support.

StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 07:21

Oh and please get some support and tests for stis.

Original poster
feelingnumb · 25/04/2012 07:47

I'm going to call Rape Crisis today. Just building up the courage. I feel really detached from everything right now. Am on autopilot, making dinners, working, but it's like I'm not actually here.

I hear what you're all saying about reporting him and telling my husband. I just can't bring myself to tell him yet, if at all. He has very set opinions on things like this.

Imperial I'm going to work. I refuse to be frightened away from the job I love just because of this man

Thanks again to you all. Am off to work now so may be back later today with an update.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 07:48

Good for you op. What are your dh's set ideas though? Do you have an rl friend you could tell?

PfftTheMagicDraco · 25/04/2012 07:54

Does your DH have set opinions about being drugged and raped? Or are you thinking that he will think you have cheated on him?

PillarBoxRedRoses · 25/04/2012 07:58

OP hopefully calling Rape Crisis will help you realise that this is in no way your fault or cheating of any kind.

((((hugs))))

PostBellumBugsy · 25/04/2012 08:58

Just wanted to add a post of support. I hope you get some good advice from the rape crisis people.

mebythesea · 25/04/2012 10:46

oh love it really does sound like you were definatly spiked with something, possibly rohypnol. here is a link describing the effects of it on your system and shows how shockingly quickly you can become totally out of it and at anyones mercy
drugs
are there any religious reasons your husband wont be supportive of you?
do you think he wont believe you?

i hope you can muster the courage to call rape crisis.

x hugs x

PillarBoxRedRoses · 25/04/2012 12:19

Do let us know how you are feeling

kohl · 25/04/2012 14:50

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you today and that you are being incredibly brave at an awful time that no one should have to go through.
I really hope Rape Crisis proved to be a safe space to talk.
All love to you.

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