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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not who I thought I was

76 replies

feelingnumb · 24/04/2012 20:42

I need some help to get my head around what happened at the weekend. I've namechanged for this. I'm just feeling very numb...

I was at a big event, with other staff. I was working that night and once everything had been done, I headed up to the bar to meet my colleagues and have a drink or two. It was a celebration and although I'd been up for around 22 hours by that stage and was exhausted, I got a second wind and had a couple of wines.

One chap is on a project with me. I'd not really spoken to him before and after some general chit chat about work, he said he'd always wanted me and did I like him. I was very taken aback, I'm a mousy little thing and said no, I'm married and moved off to talk to another colleague.

At some point he was next to me again and the wine and tiredness had caught up with me. He was being very direct about what he wanted to do with me and again I said no, am flattered, but am off to bed.

I'm so ashamed of what happened next and I barely remember much, other that he came to my room (I have no recollection of even getting there) he was kissing me and then was on top of me. I remember it hurting and telling him so. I remember feeling very weak and drifting off while it happened (I think over a couple of hours) and I remember him keeping going and talking dirty. I feel so ashamed.

When I woke up and he left I scrubbed myself raw. My husband and I have some issues, but I'd never have thought I'd cheat. I was so sore 'below' for a couple of days and I just don't fancy this person at all. What was I thinking? It's like I've been taken over by someone else. I feel sick. I can't tell my husband it would hurt him dreadfully.

I have to see this other person at work soon and it's going to be awful.

I don't even know what I'm asking for here. I hate myself. I've never not remembered stuff after drinking before and I only had a couple. I just don't understand how this can have happened.

How can I ever live with myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingnumb · 25/04/2012 14:56

Hello, I'm doing OK. He sent me a text earlier asking how I was. I ignored it and managed to avoid our meeting.

DH is pretty right wing sometimes and doesn't really believe in date rape, feminism or any number of things that I do. Differing opinions is one of the issues we have but not an insurmountable one. He'd be appalled if I told him and I'm not convinced he wouldn't think it was my fault for having a drink. I love him though and don't want him to be burdened or doubt me.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingnumb · 25/04/2012 14:57

Rape Crisis were good by the way. I couldn't talk long, but they were very sympathetic and helped me see it wasn't cheating as I didn't want it to happen. Will call again later.

OP posts:
GravityDefier · 25/04/2012 15:01

There is a difference between having a drink and being drugged. But even if you had only been too drunk to consent, it would still be rape.

I collapsed in a club a while ago after only a few drinks, all of the sudden I just broke down. No memory of the next few hours but luckily DP took me home. A&E did not take it serious, even though I told them I had not much to drink, and neither did the police. Did you 'sober up' really quickly? For me it was like someone had turned a switch after a few hours, definitely not like being drunk.

Do contact rape crisis, I have for someone else before and they have been really helpful. Talk to them and they should also be able to give you advise in regards to counselling etc. Maybe that could help you clear your head before you talk to DP if you don't feel comfortable now?

I am sorry.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/04/2012 15:05

Just adding my support. That's such an awful thing to happen, and the last thing you should be doing is blaming yourself. You're being incredibly brave.

Your husband's 'set opinions' - would he really think that you were at fault for being drugged and raped? I really hope that's not possible.

I hope you get the support and kindness you deserve from Rape Crisis. And, if you manage to find the strength, please, please report this crime. I understand if you can, it's a terrifying thing to do, but remember you are not at fault here, and have nothing to be ashamed of. That vile excuse for a man does.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/04/2012 15:07

Sorry, that was meant to be 'can't' not can.

And this isn't your fault. Never was, never will be.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/04/2012 15:09

I missed your earlier post. I'm so sorry that you feel you can't confide in your DH, when he really is the person that should be supporting you through this. Maybe he could surprise you?

iheartdusty · 25/04/2012 15:09

you are brave, you have done nothing wrong.

Please make sure you keep the text this man sent you. Can you print texts from your phone, showing date and time?

I am thinking what if in worst case scenario this man denies that anything happened - he must have had a reason for sending you the text.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/04/2012 16:03

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Have you reported him to your senior managers at work? Whatever happens to him with the police etc., you need him out of your workplace pronto. He should be sacked for gross misconduct.

vintagewarrior · 25/04/2012 16:23

Can I just say I've had my drink spiked, and that's exactly how I'd describe it. I thankfully came to no harm. But if your husband loves you, he'll support you through this. Sending you very un MN Hugs.

Please see the police, even if you don't press charges, or he may do it to someone else!

AnyFucker · 25/04/2012 16:51

You have got some great support, OP, but I would just add that it isn't your responsibilty to stop him doing this to someone else

Report him if you think it will help you

My greatest concern for you at the moment my love, is that after such a traumatic has happened to you, that you are unable to get support from the person that is supposed to love you the most Sad

ImperialBlether · 25/04/2012 19:34

I think if you do tell your husband, you need to tell him from the start that the way he responds to what you tell him will be absolutely vital and that if he feels himself responding in a way that finds you at fault, it will be the death knell of your marriage.

He should want to protect you. I can understand him being absolutely furious with the guy, but he shouldn't doubt you. If you are a 'mousy type' how could he possibly think you'd led the guy (who you don't even like) on?

sincitylover · 25/04/2012 19:53

I am going to go against the grain here and whilst I agree taht the op should get some whatever help she feels appropriate and report to police it is not necessarily the best thing to tell those who love you and or employer if you feel you can't.

I do speak with some personal experience here and wish I had never told my parents who at that time were meant to be the people who loved me most as they just didn't have the ability or desire to begin ot understand. Comments they made afterwards just made things worse.

In an ideal world yes you would be able to tell anyone without judgement but unfortunately we don't yet live in that ideal world.

So any victim must take great care of herself and not be bullied into doing something she's not comfortable with as it's then more trauma laden onto the original trauma.

HaveALittleFaithBaby · 25/04/2012 19:55

feeling I just had to post my support too. You've been incredibly brave to contact rape crisis and go into work. There's been some really sound advice on here, I hope you can take it on board. Thinking of you.

Original poster
feelingnumb · 25/04/2012 21:12

So. I tried talking to my husband about the topic in general, not saying it was me but talking about 'an article I'd read'...and he went off on one saying that it's just women getting pissed and regretting it the next morning and it's always the men that get blamed and it's lesbian feminists gone mad. Nice. No support there then and am not broaching it further with him. He's gone to bed in a huff because I disagreed with him.

I do love him so very much, but his views can make me Hmm

Gravity a switch is a good way of describing it. One minute feeling very disorientated, the next almost normal. Very odd.

I'm still feeling strange (as in, has this really happened?) and actually a bit sore still as well. Blush

sincity I think you've hit the nail on the head. I'm worried about being judged and always being 'that woman.' I don't think I could cope with that.

I can't help but think that reporting him (although I completely understand the rationale why I should) would mean ending my career, hurting and maybe losing my husband, hurting my family, hurting the man's family (his poor kids)...

I deal with a lot on my own. I think this is going to be another thing to add to the list. I'm just trying to be normal now. Chalk it up to experience. Just not sure how I'll actually react when I do see him at work. I'm still feeling very removed from it all for some reason. Luckily he's not around every day, so I can avoid as much as possible.

Thanks again everyone - I really appreciate and am taking on board all your excellent advice. I'm deciding how to process it all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2012 21:16

I hate the man that did this to you

I also hate your husband

Love, would you consider calling Rape Crisis again ?

You shouldn't have to go through this alone

Original poster
feelingnumb · 25/04/2012 21:23

I know. I don't like my husband very much right now either. Like I said, I love him deeply, but we're not without our issues either. Then this happens and you realise just how lonely you are in your own home.

I think I will call the crisis line again. They're only open at certain times though and I'm travelling tomorrow. But this means I should be able to pull over into services and speak then without being overheard. It's just hard getting the words out properly speaking to a real life person. It helped earlier, but I did feel a bit awkward too. I find it easier writing it down. That's probably a bit strange. Feeling Sad

OP posts:
oikopolis · 25/04/2012 21:26

it's not strange.
i understand. sometimes it feels like you're choking on the words. it's very hard.

i do think it would help to call the line again though. you've gone through something truly horrid and you do need the support of another human voice OP.

and i'm sorry DH is being a cock. tbf, he may react differently when he knows it's you. but i also appreciate that you can't be sure of that. Sad

AnyFucker · 25/04/2012 21:28

I feel Sad for you too.

Rape Crisis are used to people finding it difficult to talk about their experiences. I am glad you seem to be getting a bit of comfort from this thread, though.

StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 21:33

You should not be dealing with your DH's reaction right now. This is so unfair :(

ScrambledSmegs · 25/04/2012 21:41

Oh god, I'm so sorry. Is there anyone close to you that you can talk to about this, obviously not your husband? :( You sound so lonely, and you don't deserve to be.

I hope you get to call the crisis line again soon. What AF said is right, they will let you talk (or not) in your own time, there's no pressure.

Look after yourself, please.

Lulabellarama · 25/04/2012 21:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GeekLove · 25/04/2012 22:11

Remember that the terrible things that man has done to you and what your husband has done says a lot more about them and their prejudices.
You are NOT to blame.
I hope that you are still reading this thread as you are not alone. Whatever action you take you are not responsible for his actions. The moment he decided to rape you he made the descision to throw away this career and family.
you have the strength to get through this.

maristella · 25/04/2012 22:54

I really hope that you access the support that you need and deserve.
Your thread title says it all - you are still the person you thought you were, having your drink spiked, and being an unwitting victim of a nasty crime absolutely do not make you any less of a person.

You didn't ask for this, you didn't invite it, you didn't welcome it, you didn't want it, and you didn't deserve it.

Maybe the R Crisis can talk through your concerns about telling your DH?

With the out of body feelings that you had, I'm wondering if you might have spiked with ketamine. I have been spiked with this many many years ago and had out of body experiences.

If I could hold your hand through this, explain things clearly to your DH and push that rapist off a cliff for you I honestly would.

Virtual hand holding and hugs xxxxx

Prolesworth · 25/04/2012 23:02

feelingnumb, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Can't add to the excellent advice and support already given: just wanted to post to let you know there's another person thinking of you and sending supportive thoughts your way.

ImperialBlether · 25/04/2012 23:38

Yes, me too. I wish you could talk to your husband about it. I know you say you love him dearly, but if he'd been attacked wouldn't you want to help him without thinking it was his fault?

I find it quite odd that a man should think it's always the woman's fault for having a drink rather than thinking a man shouldn't take advantage of a woman who's had a drink.

Not that I think that's what's happened to you - it sounds quite clearly as though you had something in your drink other than alcohol and that he did this deliberately in order to rape you. Can you remember putting it down on a table for a few minutes and having your back turned?