Apparently I'm a lazy spendthrift slattern

[Dawnybabe]

Which is partly why he's obsessed with porn. Apparently its his relief.

We moved to a bigger house with a mortgage a couple of years ago. Since then the bills have increased and I know it puts extra pressure on him as the only earner. We're not badly off, we can afford the nice house and for me to stay at home. But apparently I spend too much money and don't help out at the weekends enough leaving him to see to the dc's a bit more.

Now to me, this sudden accusation - and it is sudden - has come about in the same week that I have been furious with him for yet more porn after we'd already had words about how it makes me feel. Quite frankly I'm a bit sceptical but apparently there's more that will 'come out' when he's ready to discuss it. I don't know what he means.

I have been laying in at the weekend. It's the only bit of peace I get. I do everything around the house, I am the stereotypical housewife. I actually wondered if I had been suffering from depression; odd sleeping patterns, eating more, bouts of sadness and bursting into tears, really not being arsed somedays to do anything. Then I think perhaps I'm just in need of going back to work or something, a change of life. Fucked if I'm gonna discuss it with him now.

He says he's not sure if he loves me anymore and he doesn't know what will happen. Is the onus on me to buck my ideas up and be the perfect wife? Should I turn into a doormat like his mum? I don't think I ask that much, I don't drink or smoke or go out much. I know I've put on weight in the last few years and he probably doesn't fancy me anymore but to say he doesn't love me is heartbreaking. I hate his porn habit but if he would just try and sort it out I would be prepared to support him.

Can anyone make sense of where the fuck my life is going because I can't and I could seriously do with a kick up the back side. I love him to bits and just wish I knew what was going on.

it's almost certain he's having an affair OP. what you describe in your OP is a v v v common script used by cheating spouses.

please don't go all WifeBot now and try to be perfect... you'll be falling into his manipulation. he wants you to put up and shut up while he does whatever he please.

bollocks to that. if he doesn't like you the way you are, he's free to leave. don't pander to him. he sounds like a petulant child

Here's one of your threads from last week: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1452899-I-just-dont-know-what-to-think-about-my-marriage-anymore-I-could-do-with-some-advice-Long-sorry

It's obvious that he's not going to change.

Have you ordered any of the recommended books?

Dawny, you keep asking the same questions on here

and getting the same replies

will you start listening to us soon, or will you stick with him until you have no self esteem left at all ?

I don't think you are suffering from depression...I think you are suffering from living with an emotionally-abusive man

when you offload him, I predict your mood will soar quite spectacularly

You could do so much better than him. And I say that as someone with a dh who is now and ex porn addict.

oh dawny, im so sorry to read this. I posted on your thread the other day, i dont know what to say :( I really thought you could have gotten over this, but now this. Im so sorry, he is either mortified or soemthing has taken a step further than the chat rooms. Don't think this has anything to do with you, it is his inadequacies. As for his more to come out when he is ready to discuss it WTAF?? really - tell him not to bother I am so sorry you are in this mess. I'd tell him to fuck off, seriously, he will either a) pull his act together if he sees you really mean it (unlikely) b) fuck off (that way you know it was over anyway and you retain your pride). How DARE he put this on you. I know i have totally about faced about him but i am so angry and upset for you. im so sorry xx

He says he doesn't want to work all these long hours to pay for stuff I keep buying. I've bought a few new mugs and some clothes on my storecard if that's what he means. And he turns overtime down when he can't be bothered with it. He had to do a fair bit recently but that was because they needed him in, not because he chose to go. He gives me an allowance but although I'm in my overdraft I can manage it.

He buggers off fishing to relax, usually overnight, and I know he's there cos I know people that fish with him. He must think I spend all day watching children play happily whilst drinking tea and reading the paper.

He's always been more adventurous than me in bed and I have told him sometimes that I'd like it my way for a change. He grumps but we still enjoy ourselves. Well we did up until all this kicked off.

His mum and dad have always been careful with money and it scares him to have an overdraft. I just think it can't be helped at the moment and I know he'll earn enough to cover it so I don't known what he worries about. The only debt he's ever had is the mortgage and he's got quite a few investments so he doesn't like being overdrawn.

I guess I've always been used to him being a bit old fashioned like his parents but now that I write it all down it does seem a bit unreasonable.

Been there got the T-shirt, its his way of shifting the blame for what ever is going on - he probably is thinking of or having an affair or something equally dramatic he doesnt want to take the blame for. Sorry Op be prepared for something nasty to rear its head.
You dont have to be the perfect wife, even if you attempt it you will never meet his expectation simply because he doesnt know what they are. It is just the easy and if you read enough thread here is a very common target.
Knowing what I know now I would ask him what the real problem is or look for other clues. I had what feels now like eons of EA as he reconciled his affair in his head as MY fault.
I so wish I had MN when this all started for me. I sincerely hope we are wrong though and hope you can work it out

im sorry honey, but i think you should be checking up with those fishing friends :( i cannot get my head around you having an "allowance", if i want something then i tell DP i want it, i dont do that much because we dont have the money, he earns the money but WE control it, its not that he wont allow me to have it if i dont have any. I wouldnt dream of having store cards or an overdraft. Maybe if he were paying you a bit more attention then you woudlnt have to do this. If i were you, id get a job and get rid of him!

Even if he's not having an affair, and to be honest I don't know when he could have found the time, but how can we ever get back to normal? Even if we talked through everything, how could we go on after falling out like this? It'd be the beginning of the end whatever the outcome.

I don't know what he means by more 'stuff coming out'. What else could there be?

Devestated would not begin to describe it. I am 36 and have been with him since I was 18. I cannot envisage a life without him.

On the one hand, there's an issue with porn. You don't like it, he's still using it. It doesn't sound like there is much respect there.

On the other hand, his complaining about money and time with the children might have nothing to do with the porn issue, and simply be that he doesn't like taking on all the financial responsibility and would prefer it if you also worked and shared the burden. How are your children? Have you discussed whether he prefers you at home or not?

Either way, being a 'better wife' or a doormat is not the answer, because that's no kind of life for you and won't make you happy.

The two of you need to talk, maybe get couple counselling, and be open and honest about your feelings for each other, your expectations of the relationship and your roles within it.

im sorry but he sounds thoroughly unpleasant. How DARE he put the blame for this on you, how dare he. Im sorry but you would be amazed how people find the time for infidelity, he finds time for porn and chat rooms, i would assume he isnt with you when he does that!

how can we ever get back to normal?

i don't think you should be bothering to wonder this anymore, tbh.

he has made it very clear to you that you mean very little to him. it's time to start girding your loins to leave imo.

the "more stuff coming out" is going to be webcams, prostitutes or an affair. i can't quite imagine what else it could be.

i'm sorry you're feeling this way OP you ARE going to get through this though. 36 is young. you'll build your own life without his miserable presence in it. x

He said if I want money for something I should ask him first. It's his money. We jointly own the house but he pays for everything so it's his house. He's just never been at pains to point it out before. I feel like a kept woman. Or a prisoner. Not that he actually said that, by the way, but it's always kind of been inferred.

Umm, excuse me, who went through childbirth twice? Sorry if it's boring!

Even his dad said to me recently I 'do alright out of it' meaning that I'm some lady of leisure. But he is incredibly old fashioned so I didn't take too much notice. Dh is their golden child. The well respected, qualified, sensible hard working family man that can do no wrong. They would never believe him to be at fault.

I couldn't tell them about this. DMil has cancer. It'd tip her over the edge.

Right, my opinion has changed. He's an entitled wanker. His house? His money? Who is saving him thousands of pounds a month on childcare and cleaning bills? Yup, that would be you. He can't earn his money unless you're home supporting him.

He has no respect or appreciation for you.

Perhaps you can't imagine life without him, but I suspect you'll be pleasantly surprised by the realities of it once you've cut him loose.

Hes financially abusive as well as emotionally abusive.

have been with him since I was 18. I cannot envisage a life without him.

You can't envisage it because it is an unknown, but you would certainly be able to cope with it. Perhaps even thrive.

The only computer I know he uses is our computer in our study. I don't know if he's looked at it anywhere else, it would leave him open to being found out. He can't access anything remotely dodgy at work, his place of work has been a terrorist target in the past and everything is heavily monitored and censored.

The only thing I think he could hold against me is that he might think I once had an affair. I didn't, but I can't prove it. A friend at work was completely smitten with me and filled my head with ideas of how perfect a relationship could be. I was completely honest with dh about it and told him that although I wasn't interested in anyone else, I wished that he - dh - could be like that. Nothing ever happened between us but rumours started because we were quite close at work and I packed my job in partly because people I'd worked with for years were gossiping about me. I told him it was because I wanted to go part time and I couldn't do that where I was was working because they wouldn't let me, which was the main reason, but it was also because of the gossip.

That was over ten years ago. Can't believe it would come out now.

please don't try to dream up things he might hold against you.

this is not your fault.

if there were problems in your marriage, and his idea of a solution was to use porn, then he is a proper idiot. and that has nothing to do with you.

this man has done a right fucking number on you dawny

you are not listening to us at all, are you ?

your threads read like a stream of consciousness, much of it engineered by him

it's very, very painful to witness in our small way, it must be hell to try and rationalise from your end

Can anyone make sense of where the fuck my life is going because I can't

Gladly: nowhere, until you start taking steps out of your current set-up and into a life worth living.

I could seriously do with a kick up the back side.

Read any of the posts on either of your threads. Really read them and take them in.

I love him to bits and just wish I knew what was going on.

What's going on is that he is an entitled twat, behaving according to his nature. And you are wringing your hands and still hoping it is not actually so. But it is.

I can't see the wood for the trees can I?

Both my parents are dead so the only family I see a lot of is his. We're all very close. His mum has been a bit of a surrogate mum, although she's a bit too quick to criticise sometimes but I guess that's a Mil thing.

So my only family influence is them. I've got a brother and a sister whom I'm close to but don't physically see that often.

I'm sorry but I guess I've had years of conditioning! His parents are so old fashioned. His mum is such a doormat. She always gets her way in the end though but she's spent forty years bossing Pil around whilst he does exactly as he likes. I would say that for their generation they've got a pretty good marriage for them. I guess that's how dh thinks I should be. My parents were a bit different. My dad earnt the money and my mum ruled the roost. God I miss her, she'd never stand for this.

Find her, dawny

there's a big part of her in you somewhere

Channel your mum, honey - she's nearer than you think and her blood flows in your veins. If she wouldn't stand for it, there's no reason on this earth why her daughter should.

I would love to show him this thread and make him read it. I know he wouldn't take any notice though.

We'd have to sell this house. I threatened him with divorce once before, recently, and he said he couldn't afford to run two houses. I have no money and no job. Where the fuck would I go? And how would I take my girls? I have no way of supporting them. If it came down to it he'd get custody surely? He has the money and the family network. I'd end up homeless at this rate. I don't want to lose my family.

I can't believe I'm even discussing this. This is some sort of bad dream.

there is no way in HELL he would get custody of them!! are you mad! you're their SAHP, you're the primary carer.

you are entitled to half the house
you are entitled to child support payments from here
you are entitled to tax credits as a lone parent
and you are probably entitled to even more than that... just talk to a solicitor and you'll find out for sure.

women can and do leave their husbands under MUCH more dire circumstances than yours OP... and they retain custody of their children too.

if he doesn't want to maintain two households, he can make the choice not to be a knobber