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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Apparently I'm a lazy spendthrift slattern

52 replies

Dawnybabe · 23/04/2012 22:50

Which is partly why he's obsessed with porn. Apparently its his relief.

We moved to a bigger house with a mortgage a couple of years ago. Since then the bills have increased and I know it puts extra pressure on him as the only earner. We're not badly off, we can afford the nice house and for me to stay at home. But apparently I spend too much money and don't help out at the weekends enough leaving him to see to the dc's a bit more.

Now to me, this sudden accusation - and it is sudden - has come about in the same week that I have been furious with him for yet more porn after we'd already had words about how it makes me feel. Quite frankly I'm a bit sceptical but apparently there's more that will 'come out' when he's ready to discuss it. I don't know what he means.

I have been laying in at the weekend. It's the only bit of peace I get. I do everything around the house, I am the stereotypical housewife. I actually wondered if I had been suffering from depression; odd sleeping patterns, eating more, bouts of sadness and bursting into tears, really not being arsed somedays to do anything. Then I think perhaps I'm just in need of going back to work or something, a change of life. Fucked if I'm gonna discuss it with him now.

He says he's not sure if he loves me anymore and he doesn't know what will happen. Is the onus on me to buck my ideas up and be the perfect wife? Should I turn into a doormat like his mum? I don't think I ask that much, I don't drink or smoke or go out much. I know I've put on weight in the last few years and he probably doesn't fancy me anymore but to say he doesn't love me is heartbreaking. I hate his porn habit but if he would just try and sort it out I would be prepared to support him.

Can anyone make sense of where the fuck my life is going because I can't and I could seriously do with a kick up the back side. I love him to bits and just wish I knew what was going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawnybabe · 24/04/2012 00:39

Would it be worth talking to Relate, do you think? I can't give up on him just like that.

OP posts:
Charbon · 24/04/2012 00:42

I don't think you'll do anything about your situation yourself and that's very sad. That means that what happens to you and your children is out of your hands because you will not act.

So I think he will leave you as soon as he finds another woman who will have him. I think he's found someone he thinks is a likely candidate right now, but is hedging his bets and telling you to shape up or you'll be yesterday's news. That ensures he gets treated like a prince by two very silly women competing for his affections.

And when he leaves, you'll be left with no financial independence, no childcare and no real life outside your home.

The option that I don't think you'll take but would be the very best for you and your children is that you take control of this situation now and tell him you can't stay with someone who's a porn addict, who doesn't love you and tries to cruelly manipulate you with sinister and suspended threats of worse to come.

oikopolis · 24/04/2012 00:50

WHY would you not want to give up on someone who doesn't give a shit about you OP??? what do you want from him? do you really think you can turn his head back to you when THIS is how he treats you?

telling you that his porn habit is your fault, and what's more you ought to prepare yourself for more, which he'll tell you when he deigns to?

please just be honest with yourself. is this the behaviour of someone you "shouldn't give up on"?

surely it's the man who's trying his best and needs your support in that... that's the sort of man you don't give up on...? not a man who can't be fucked even to be polite to you, let alone supportive and loving?

would you tell your DD to "not give up" on a H who treated her like this? honestly? what are you teaching your children with this?

Original poster
Dawnybabe · 24/04/2012 00:57

Apparently he does put up with a lot. Mind you he'll do housework that I was planning but just hadn't got round to yet just to make a point, I think. Oh I don't know. He can be such a nice guy and then he comes out with this. I just can't see that there's any way he'd have an affair. He just hasn't got it in him, any more than I have. I can't see how he'd get away with it, or how he's found the time. I don't think he could be bothered. Really I don't. I can understand the porn because he can do that in his own home but I cannot see him making the effort to bother with another woman.

I just think he's so far up his own arse that he can't see reality anymore either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawnybabe · 24/04/2012 00:58

He didn't say there was more revelation coming from him, he said there was more criticism of me that he couldn't start on now.

I don't know what he means.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawnybabe · 24/04/2012 01:02

And I've just looked at the child support and tax credit calculators and they say I could get roughly £900 a month. Would I have to pay rent and council tax out of that? How would that cover kids, car, food, utilities, oh bloody hell.

I need to go to bed. Thanks for all you've said, I'm sorry if you feel like you're banging your heads against brick walls but I've been with him for eighteen years, I can't snap out of it just like that.

OP posts:
Charbon · 24/04/2012 01:10

He hasn't got it in him to have an affair? What tosh. He's unfaithful to you already using porn all the time. As a porn addict who treats his partner like a doormat and isn't in love with her and tells her so, he's the epitomy of a man who'd have an affair. If he goes to work and other activities, he's got the time alright.

izzyizin · 24/04/2012 01:14

This is some sort of bad dream.

The 'bad dream' is the life you're living with him.

Maybe one day you'll wake up and see what a nightmare he is.

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/04/2012 08:23

My heart sank when I saw this thread.

Everything he has at least half yours and he will have to support you all should you tell him to leave. See a solicitor and they will tell you this.

As for finding the time for an affair - what about those fishing trips?? Many conduct affairs during working hours (e,g use of half days, conferences, lunch hours etc).

He fits the typical cheater's profile:

He is detached because he's emotionally involved elsewhere

He is critical of you because he is justifying his choice to cheat on you

His selfish and entitled behaviour means he will find it easy to cheat

He is already cheating on you via porn/sex sites - an affair is the next step

Please remember none of it is your fault - no one made him do those things except himself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/04/2012 08:41

My heart also sank when I saw this thread also but am not totally surprised at this new turn of events.

He does fit the cheaters patterns of behaviour as well.

Quite apart from him, you Dawny are your own worst enemy. If you choose to do nothing, you will continue to remain very unhappy and your children will pick up on your unhappiness and likely blame themselves for something they have not caused. Your H is the root cause of your depressive state; leaving him will give you a shot in the arm - something that you badly need because you are full of self doubt and inertia (states that he has primarily contributed to).

Your H is the lazy spendthrift; how much has he spent on porn over the years. His addiction to this has its roots long before you came on the scene as well (and you were only 18 when you met him and perhaps in a bad place yourself).

You have a choice re your H and your children do not. This is patently not the ideal relationship model for them to be looking up to is it?. What would your counsel be if a friend of yours was telling you all this?. Both of you are currently teaching your children damaging lessons; this is not the legacy you want to leave them.

ManMinder · 24/04/2012 08:52

I don't know about your situation, obviously we only have your side of the story. I know from my own experience that things appear very differently to respective parties in this kind of scenario. It's very easy to come in here and have your perspective strengthened by the self appointed 'experts' who spout their vitriol, but it is not constructive. I would suggest you and your husband find a good counsellor who can talk to you both without bias or emotive language. It won't be easy, and you both need to give it 100%, but you will find resolution to the unsatisfactory status quo, one way or another. After all, it doesn't sound as though either of you are happy right now.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you. My wife and I went through a similar situation, thanks to our counsellor things are on the mend now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/04/2012 09:11

I would ask that you read the other thread that Dawny has posted before writing such ill informed comments about women spouting vitriol.

I doubt very much as well that Dawny's DH would ever consider counselling as he does not think he has done anything wrong and he gets what he wants out of this. Also do you not think that this man is acting appallingly?. I wonder if you've actually read OPs initial post. He is going to give her more criticism of her when he is ready to discuss it. What sort of man does that?.

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/04/2012 09:40

This reply has been deleted

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LyssaM · 24/04/2012 09:55

More to come out = he hasn't thought of it yet but he's working on it.

It sounds like your h thinks the best form of defence is attack, and so he is going to scratch round for problems he has with you. He wants you to swallow and smile.

How you deal with that is up to you. I suggest you keep a diary/journal. That will show patterns of stuff. Good luck.

ManMinder · 24/04/2012 09:56

I was simply trying to offer some constructive non judgemental advice, which can be taken or ignored. There is no need for personal comment by other posters.

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/04/2012 10:10

You called us bitter in another thread - is that not personal?

AnyFucker · 24/04/2012 10:54

dawny, you might want to reconsider how public your profile is, love

this thread reads like a 101 of how a woman can convince herself to stay with an abusive man

dawny...get some legal advice, stop burying your head in the sand....it could be the best half hour you will ever spend

your husband won't get custody of your girls, he will be forced to provide for them and as primary carer you will stay in the house with them

don't believe what he tells you...he wants you cowed and afarid to take any initiative

it started when you gave up your job (and ability to support yourself) because of fear of his reaction to a storm in a teacup. He has isolated you and destroyed your confidence incrementally ever since then. How low are you actually prepared to let him make you go ?

AnyFucker · 24/04/2012 10:56

ManM ...this man will not consider counselling. Your call for a "reasonable" approach is misplaced here. Tell this abusive fuck to be reasonable, not the posters trying to help dawny to see how she has been manipulated into such a position she thinks she can't leave a marriage in the year 2012.

RachelKarenGreen · 24/04/2012 11:01

Read some of the links on the emotional abuse thread. It will read like a bingo card of your marriage I bet.

It might be a long road as you are so in the thick of it. Take courage.

SuePurblyingoodVOICE · 24/04/2012 11:01

Sad. That threat about there being 'more to come' - how horribly manipulative.

RachelKarenGreen · 24/04/2012 11:29

I cannot emphasise reading some of the threads on here enough. Acknowledging the problem is the first and an important step. Especially if your husband is your only relationship...you'll have no frame of reference about what a normal/good husband is.

solidgoldbrass · 24/04/2012 11:32

Fucking hell, he won't get custody. He will have to pay maintenance for the DC and treat you with courtesy and respect. Never mind what he says, he's just a knob, not a superhero, and most other people who encounter him probably think he's a knob as well.

pinktrees · 24/04/2012 11:32

I read the OP - it screams "affair". Sorry.

Trickle · 24/04/2012 12:12

i didn't want to leave without saying that part about 'more to come' is disgusting, designed to try to make you worry day and night till you accept whatever he says. I've had that tried on me and luckily I was not beaten down by years of abuse - I told the person to 'fuck off' becasue it's justy not an acceptale way to carry on regardless of anything else porn included.

Also please ask yourself why your first reaction to leaving was that it would end in you loosing your children and becoming homeless? Who fed you that information - becasue it's certainly not come from any version of reality. Why do you feel so powerless and disempowered?

Vicky2011 · 24/04/2012 12:32

PLEASE talk to a solicitor, you are in SO much stronger a position than you think you are. If you have been together for 18 years, you will likely get half (at least) of everything he owns. He knows this, which is why he keeps manipulating you into believing you are powerless and reliant on him. I've no idea whether he's having an affair and to be honest I think that is a side issue, this EA of you is the crux of this. Get a solicitor and get your life back.