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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Given up on love!!

18 replies

happyhappymummy · 23/04/2012 15:48

I am wondering if the benefits of being single out weigh the benefits of being in a relationship.
Im obsessed with someone I cant have :(
Every guy I meet I just cant click with, and wonder if I ever will!
Im thinking maybe single is the way forward!!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 23/04/2012 15:53

I'm convinced that the benefits of the single state far outweigh those of coupledom for me but if you're obsessed with a married man someone you can't have, it's no wonder that other guys don't measure up to your non-exacting standards.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2012 15:55

Single is definitely the way forward. :) Love yourself first and foremost and you'll be happy your whole life. If someone comes along truly worthy of sharing in that love, it's a bonus.

MissFaversham · 23/04/2012 15:57

Whats that saying.... "We always want what we can't have and when we get it we don't want it anymore".

I have a boyfriend who stays over a two to 3 nights a week. It's suits me. I would never full time co-habitate ever ever again!

izzyizin · 23/04/2012 16:11

I'm a convert to multiple fwbs but who is the 'someone' you can't have and where are you meeting these non-clickable guys?

tunaday · 23/04/2012 16:18

I love being single. Absolutely love it. But I think it's not a matter of 'is this the way forward' but 'is that right for me'? If you've always been in a relationship I think it's absolutely worth living on your own to see what it's like and then going from there. Some people are really suited to living singly - I like a lot of time to myself and not having to accommodate someone elses needs/wants all the time. My philosophy is to go with the flow and just go with with makes me happy. I wouldn't want to live with someone full time again I don't think. Though you can never say never.

Original poster

happyhappymummy · 23/04/2012 16:53

izzy.. conviced? I would like to be convinced. I am told alot that being single outweigh being with someone, but its usually by people in relationships. Yes he is living with someone, wasnt when I met him. First guy I met after separating from my husband. Iv been single 2 years almost and if Im out and about I meet guys. Have had a few blind dates also.
Cogito.. :-) Im definitely working on myself.
MissFaver.. Yes I have heard this saying and my friend keeps pointing out this guys negative points, but it doesnt seem to register. Crazy really!
tuna.. You love it? Please tell me what you love?? Do you have children?

OP posts:

tunaday · 23/04/2012 20:50

I have one grown up daughter of 26 happymummy. She lives and works about and hour and a half away from me. I love making my own decisions that are (I hope) in my best interests. I enjoy feeling like an adult (ex H took control of finances, utilities, travel etc and made me feel like I wouldn't be able to cope with these things). I like not cooking unless I want to. I like not having pointless, circular disagreements and not living with someone who makes a mess everywhere. I love going on holiday with my friends instead of someone boring, bossy and superficial. I love my flat being my own space and not in a mess. I love feeling self-sufficient and competent. I love the peace and quiet and most of all the peace of mind that I have now. I do have a bf but we don't live together. I love that he understands me, makes me laugh, loves a cuddle but that I still have my space and make my own choices. I do have some 'longer' tendencies I think, and am very happy in my own company. I won't rule out living with someone in the future but it's not something I miss.

tunaday · 23/04/2012 20:51

I meant 'loner' tendencies! Not longer!LOL

Original poster

happyhappymummy · 23/04/2012 21:10

Glad it works for you tuna :)
So your not exactly single? ;)
I dont think I could co-habit again, but would like to think I could find that special someone to share some lifes experiences with.
I can understand all of the good points of living alone but not sure of the good points of being alone!

OP posts:

mumof4sons · 24/04/2012 12:29

When I found myself single after 19 years of marriage it was quite a shock. I really didn't think that I would manage raising 4 DSs, running a household and working. Once over the initial shock I am relishing it. I don't have to answer to anyone with any of my decisions. ExH did me a favour leaving - I got my life back!

I remember going out and buying a pair of curtains I loved, thinking this is wonderful. (ExH didn't like them, and wouldn't have them hanging in our lounge.)

I can't say that I am exactly single. I have been in a relationship with a very nice guy for just over a year. He has only ever been to my house twice - very seperate to my family life. It is very much an adult relationship that we both enjoy. So unlike my relationships of the past - I don't need him to be a complete me!

I hope you find a way to become a complete you.

tunaday · 24/04/2012 13:43

Ive been divorced for 5 years and totally didn't care if I met someone else. Inspite of not going out much, not trying to meet anyone, I ended up in a 'sort of' relationship with the guy next door (literally). I don't think it will last and that doesn't bother me which I think means I can't totally be in love with him. If it does end I won't actively look for anyone else but if I meet someone by chance again I would go with the flow. I've come to the conclusion that I don't 'need' to be in a relationship. I think I'm the exception rather than the rule though because most people I know who are single really really want to share their life with someone and they never stop looking. I do think that sometimes the more you don't try, the more sods law can kick in and you end up meeting someone. I hope that in time you start to get over the unobtainable guy. That's an awful feeling I know. V V painful :(

Original poster

happyhappymummy · 24/04/2012 13:54

mumof4sons.. Im happy for you, glad you have your life back. I think keeping a relationship separate to your family life is a good idea. Thankyou I do hope I find that way too :)
tuna.. Hope whatever you choose it works for you. Yes Im thinking maybe you can search for something too much, maybe its about not looking. Thankyou, I hope I can move on from this too, they say time is a healer and Im definitely healing :)

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InfiniteFairylights · 24/04/2012 14:16

I have kids, so I'm not living totally alone, but I love being single. I don't have to answer to anyone else, can watch what I want to and Mumsnet in the evenings to my heart's content . I am lucky in that I have another single friend, who comes over for dinner once a week. If I didn't have the kids, I'd go out more than I do.
The best thing about enjoying being single is that my twat/bastard radar works really well. I think because I'm not that bothered about being in a relationship, I am one step back and can interpret what they are really saying, through the bullshit!

solidgoldbrass · 24/04/2012 14:26

Two issues here, one is that it's no good you 'loving' this man because he quite simply doesn't love you. Nor is he obliged to do so, he has a life of his own.

The other thing is that being single is great. You are in control of your own life and don't have to worry about putting some man's needs first all the time (even in fairly good relationships, a lot of the time it's 'understood' that the man gets his needs met as a priority, very very few men seem to be prepared to put their female partners ahead of themselves for any length of time, if at all). And when you are happy with being single, it means your standards for dating are much higher than if you are desperate for a man, any man.

Original poster

happyhappymummy · 24/04/2012 14:29

Infinite.. Glad it works for you :) Oh is that what it is, I was beginning to think I had no emotion left in me. Haha ah I have this amazing radar too, its something Iv learnt over a 2 year period.

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henrysmama2012 · 24/04/2012 15:59

I second what everyone else said about single = fabulous. It is 100% true and I say this with no bias as I am now married to the love of my life who is wonderful. I'll never forget my cool single days (I classed myself as 'single and dating' for years!!) and it was ace. If you really embrace it your standards with guys get really high, your BS radar is great, you enjoy your own company, all this time to do what YOU want...it's great. Being in a crap relationship (even a mediocre one) is so below being single it is not even funny.

henrysmama2012 · 24/04/2012 16:00

Ps FWB's are highly recommended when you are single

Original poster

happyhappymummy · 24/04/2012 17:27

henrysmama.. I see alot of benefits, I really do but Im 34, 35 this year and have 3 children. When your single with no responsibilities as such you can maybe relax and enjoy being single. In my position, its harder, and I guess I worry. Im trying not to see it as an issue, not to worry. Im def becoming a pro with the BS radar ;) and Im trying to settle into enjoying my own company. I def agree with it beats being in an unwanted relationship! Haha FWB's yes this I am told :)

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