Differing Sex Drives.

[anon77496]

My DH & I have gone through some difficult times recently, not helped by my low libido.

We have sorted most things out, with the exception of our love life. I find it very difficult to orgasm, and find I really can't be bothered anymore with trying. My DH would have sex every night, more if he was here.

How do I find the confidence to tell my DH what I need when in bed, when its been so long it feels like we are starting from he beginning, but this time, I'm overweight and have a lot of baggage I carry around.

Lose weight?

Sounds as if you have a lot of issues such as self esteem?

Start working on yourself- join WW, do some exercise, start to feel better about yourself.

Counselling- if you have issues- what issues?

But sex is not all about orgasms- yours or his.

Is that how you feel? Do you feel under pressure to have one? For him or for you?

Can't you a) just be close and not worry and b) tell him gently what you like- moving his hands, telling him what feels good etc etc?

I'm trying to lose weight, but I am a size 14, so get a lot of negative attention for trying to lose weight, i.e, your fine, why are you trying, etc, etc. So its hard going for me and I'm not a good dieter, so that contributes to me being in a bad mood.

I grasp on to anything that gives me an excuse not to......

As to orgasm, I know its not the be all, but I am getting a bit sick of never getting there, I lack the confidence to tell him what feels good, I'm all psyched up until we actually get into bed then, back to the old routine.

Thanks for replying bluepetticoat.

Hi Anon 'Tis a truly rubbish situation to be in. However, it is possible to overcome these issues! (hand on heart).

I went through a fairly similar thing after DS was born. Was not happy with body at all, had no energy or inclination for sex. I would talk to your DH about it, if you feel uncomfortable why not do it facing back to back so you don't feel so conscious. Once you start opening up this way you will be surprised by how much comes out... And also how supportive DH will want to be. If he loves and cares for you, as you deserve, he will be willing to help and support in any way he can.

As for losing weight, just do what makes you happy. Don't worry about other people!!

No as for the big 'o', I struggled with this too, many a year ago, then i went to An Summers and got a vibrator... If you already have one great, if not go get one! Practice with that, find what works for you and then you can direct DH accordingly . He will only be too willing to help

Do you find other men attractive or are they all equally uninteresting? Do you flirt in mixed company? Do you feel turned on by films or books, or other common stimulants? Can you masturbate to orgasm? My point being that 'low libido' often simply means you don't fancy the bloke you share your bed with any more or that they don't make you feel desirable/sexy. You say you've gone through 'difficult times' but my guess is that something is still wrong and it's making you hold back. And therefore it's not you (or your body) that's the problem... it's either him specifically or the relationship in general.

Are you on the pill? Just asking because that killed my sex drive, which is normally high. Really messed up my and DH's relationship until I came off it.

what noinspiration said, it nearly cost me my marriage

Thanks for all your replies, no I'm not on the pill, I'm on the Mirena Coil.

I know I have to sort this out, but I seem to loose courage as soon as we hit the bedroom, for fear of upsetting DH.

Cracked - I've just bought a bullet, but again I'm so embarrassed I can't use it

Anon without sounding TO personal, what do you mean by you can't use it?

It is something you need to talk to DH about, both how you feel about yourself physically and about your sex life. I'm sure you would be surprised by how easy it is once you get going. Once you are both know where each other is coming from then you can support one another and really focus together to sort it out. As I see it at the moment you are laying this all at your feet, not that I'm saying anyone is at fault here. I just think ou putting to much unneeded stress on your shoulders.

Yeah, you may have agained a little weight.. Go with flow, don't try and punish yourself by strictly dieting... Life is too short. I have no doubt that your DH, when asked, would tell me that you are the most beautiful person in the world and loves you loads.

I think being honest with one another here is key.

Have you always had low libido?

How long have you had a Mirena coil? Weight gain and loss of libido are side effects of the Mirena. Perhaps you should consider switching to a copper coil.